Competive Family Problems

K.,

Whether it's family, or girlfriends, or a Mom at playgroup, you're going to get this everywhere. I think the problem is that Moms, especially first time Moms, are insecure. We all worry that we're not doing everything right, or we're missing some key aspect of parenting, or some such thing. So we compare. We compare ourselves to the other moms at the park (Wow! she's completely dressed AND has makeup on! I'm a failure.) We compare our kids to the others around them, like your sister is doing. It's all an effort to reassure ourselves that we're doing all right with this Mommy job.

It's pointless. No matter when your kid crawls, walks, talks, and reads, there will be some kid that's ahead of him, and some kid that's way behind. None of it is a reflection on us as parents, or them as people. When she goes on about how great her son is doing, just smile, say "He sure is doing well!" and change the subject. There's no way to call her on it, or dispute her claims that doesn't feed into what she's doing. If it makes her feel better, and she needs it that bad, just let it roll off. Your little guy is who he is, regardless of his cousin.

Jess

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hi K., we will always compare our kids, just like we compare everything else about ourselves. it is so sad, but from day one we are trained to do this, especially as women. and what is there in life that we care about more than our kids? nothing, which is why it is our most vulnerable point, there is nothing we strive for more than to be the best mom we can be, and we dont always get the support and encouragement we need. its very hard to be a first time mommy, we need so much reassurance. boards like this are really very helpful for that. after i had my first baby, i spent a lot of time on a breastfeeding message board, and those women really saved me. get positive, supportive people around you, especially moms. it really is up to you. you know that you are doing a great job, your son is happy and healthy, right? so you have to realize and get in the mindset that all children are different, that is what makes each of them so special! he will take longer to do some things, and shorter for others. and if you always compare him to kids that have older siblings, he will probably be "behind" them in many areas, thats just what happens when a kid has to keep up with another sibling, like you said. its not a reflection on your son at all. the range of "normal" is sooo wide, especially as babies because they learn and change so much every single day. they are doing a lot of hard work, physically and mentally, they cant do it all at once. a baby learns more in the first 3 years than they will the whole rest of their lives. think about how hard that is. some areas have to take a back seat. next will come those milestone charts, i swear, just another tool to make us insane, for the most part. these things should be a loose guideline. keep up with your regular doc appts. are you confident in your pediatrician? do they ask development questions at your visits? if so, dont worry too much, and dont compare. (easier said than done, i know) and if there is a development issue that YOU are really concerned about, just talk to your doc. i am expecting my 3rd baby soon, and i still call the pediatrician all the time, with every stupid little question. thats what they are there for, and they should never ever make you feel stupid for asking anything. a good pediatrician is worth their weight in gold, if you dont have a great one, get one. be confident, you are doing great. and as for all those people who are always comparing, just smile like that other mom said. they mean well (mostly), and they are insecure just like the rest of us. best of luck to you, D.

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My sister had twins four months after I had my first child...she also has three other older children. We compare what all the kids did at certain ages out of curiosity, but we never compare them in a way that we think one should be doing what the other did at the same time. The bottom line is that all children are different and develop at their own rate. Don't let it bother you....who knows, yours might start walking or talking before hers....just like us, they are all different!! Good luck.

yes people compare all the time and they wont stop. my husbands family does that and it anoys me.

as soon as my older sister found out I was pregnant, the jealousy started. she's older than me, and had been trying for a couple of years to have a baby. that was like a slap in the face to her, even though it's not like I went out and got pregnant to hurt her.
in my delivery room, waiting, she told me she thought she was pregnant. I made her take a test in my bathroom. my husband confirmed it, it was definitly positive, she was finally pregnant!
so our sons are 8 months apart, and see each other once a month because we live pretty far away from each other. (and I'm always the one to travel)
when my son was 11 months, he started walking. she asked me to go on a private bus tour to kentucky. (she coaches a softball team) it was loud, it was obnoxious, and it was horrible for my son, and myself. the girls where thrilled, of course i understand that, but with the TV speakers above my head, and then people talking over them, and then turning the TV's up full blast. 16 hours in a bus full of high school girls is not fun for a little boy with a nap and sleep schedule. so when he screamed, he did what I called at the time, a jungle scream. high pitched, ear piercing, and he did it for attention or to stop something he didn't like. unfortunatly there was nothing about that trip that he liked.
my sister couldn't understand why I couldn't get my son to behave, or why i couldn't comfort him enough to get him to stop. she pointed out that her son could sleep through it. I also pointed out to her that her son was about 3 months, and forget this happening when he was my son's age.
guess what? he turns a year old very soon and she was shushing us constantly on our last visit.
many times I feel as if it's a competition between us. it was the same when i was growing up with my cousin. by the way, my mother still doesn't see anything wrong with telling me why I couldn't be more like my cousin throughout childhood.
Many times they are pointing out what their son can do, and that's natural to be proud of their son. but now i'm pretty sure my son is delayed in speech, and it seems like she thinks it's bad parenting on my part.
not to mention that every time we go out to visit, my son magically turns into a lil devil because his schedule is out of whack, he doesnt have his bed, his toys, he's teething, and everything else on top of the long car ride.
so i'm wondering when the time will come that she takes the road trip to see us. i'm wondering when she's going to pack her son up for a 15-16 hour car ride.
and I wonder what word she's going to tell me he said next.
i love my sister, but it really ticks me off.
so i know what your going through.

I don't have any siblings but, I do get this competitive feeling from other parents. The solution? Education. You have to educate yourself. Your child is right on track. It may seem as though another baby is way far ahead but, you don't know where and with what is that baby far behind in compared to yours.

You child will do things when the time is right for your child. There's no real time limits unless your child just learned to crawl at 3 years old, then there's a medical problem.

You're doing everything perfectly and so is your son. When you sister boasts about her kid, just say how awesome it is. I promise there will be many, many times she's saying the same to you. Just wait and see. Give your boy tons of love and opportunities to grow. Challenge him and love him dearly, show it a million times a day. He will flourish and be untouchable forever.

Yes. My cousin's son is 10 days older than my son. I hear it from them as well as my siblings all the time. Their son was crawling & walking way before mine. My son is almost 16 months and hasn't talked yet whereas their son has been talking for months now. Don't let it get you down - I try not to. Each kid develops at their own pace.

My son is very smart for his age. He started talking at the age of 7 mos. Full sentences by the time he was 2 with the vocabulary of a 3 or 4 yr old. And he didn't crawl until he was 9 mos old. Didn't get his first tooth until then either. He didn't even clap his hands until he was older then 1. Babies do things at their own pace and just because your sisters kid does things first doesn't mean anything. My son only crawled for a couple months and then went straight to walking by the time he was 1. Some babies walk at 9 mons. This truly means nothing. It does matter if their not reaching their milestones at a certain time (like she's 1 and hasn't rolled over). But a few months here or there isn't anything to worry about. Next time your family starts, just tell them to shut up. Your son will do things in his own time and he's just fine.

My twin sister had a boy that just turned one this past week, my little girl is 8 months old and they get compared even though they are a few months apart. I guess it is something that happens with families and even friends, the thing to remember is each child progresses at his o her developmental range, and there is a big range that is considered normal. My little girl has always been close in ability and at times, weight with her cousin, even though he is older. My sister and I have different parenting styles and those get compared too.

Hi K.,

My son and my nephew are 4 days apart. Even though my sister lives in another state. I feel the same way. My son didn't start to really hold a conversation until closer to 2 he spoke maybe 3 word sentences before that. But my nephew spoke much better than he did and my sister said out right don't u read to him.(like what was that suppose to mean) she has 3 kids at home 13 31/2 and 21/2 so the two little ones keep each other company and it happens with other things also but now my son speaks much better and i think she realizes that so she curves herself now. Just say each kids will do things at their own pace. I'm not concerned

K.,

My Son was late doing everything and my sister-in-law had a girl 3 mo after my boy. She was doing things before my boy and that was never a problem, as we know that ALL kids develop differently.

My Sister never made me or my child feel inferior because her daughter weighed more, was taller, got teeth faster, crawled faster, etc. In fact, recently, she hesitated to even tell me that her now 4 1/2 yo daughter is reading fluently because she didn't want me to feel bad. When I found out, I was esctatic for her and she was relieved that I wasn't jealous. I just found out that she is already loosing her 2nd tooth. She doesn't turn 5 until April. Boys don't usually lose teeth until around 6 or 7. Some things they learn can be influenced by what we expose them to. My son was potty-trained before his cousin because her mom didn't feel like doing it yet.

Some kids just aren't interested in doing certain things, but eventually they will get to it in their own time. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with them or they are not as smart or that you are a bad parent. My son is very smart and has a different way of looking at things. He is creative and really thinks about things. Sometimes I am shocked at what he says and does because I don't realize just how smart he is. He is a wise-guy and has a wonderful sense of humor.

The worse thing about your sister's criticism is if she is doing it in front of the kids. Kids can understand things we say way before we know they can. If she is putting down your son's abilities in front of him, this could hurt his feelings and self confidence. If she continues to do it in front of her son, when they are older, her son may say mean things to your son. My sister and I are very careful about what we discuss and say in front of the kids. My son really listens as he is playing. It is amazing what he hears.

What your sister is doing is not ok, and you will have to find a kind way to ask her to stop. Chances are, she doesn't realize her words are hurtful. She probably thinks you need someone to push you into stepping up your parenting skills, when in reality, kids are simply individual people and learn differently. When they are older, your son may surpass his cousin's skill levels and hopefully, you won't do the same thing to your sister.

K.

It's natural to compare your child against others, but unless there is something constructive to be said, then opinions should be kept quiet. Children hit milestones at different paces for a number of developmentally appropriate reasons. If your sister overlooks this, she is either uneducated or small minded and insecure. She won't score points with moms on the playground if she keeps that up.

Hello and yes I have six brother and sisiters and each have 1 to three children and yes all about the same age. My children are 7 and 4 with their own set of problems and not to be compared with their cousions. It is natural to want to compare how your child is progressing in life and the special little things that they can do. In reality it is only important to the parents and to be shared and not compared with others. It can break up family's and create alot of hard feeling if you always think you or your children are better than anyone else. Better to encourage parent and child, rather than make a parent feel as if their child is not as good as.
Make each day count and your children
the most important to you!

Well K.. We share some of the same situations. for example: my sisters in law and i were all pregnant. We were 4 months apart from each other. My first nephew was born in may the second in september and my daughter in january of the following year. There was always an ambiance of competitiveness. I guess it always happens, even with strangers. the only thing we differ in is that my daughter although being the youngest was doing stuff early fo rher age. Even now, my daughter is ahead of her cousins. They are going to turn 4 and my daughter just turned 3 but she talks so much and clearly. My oldest nephew is finally speaking but you can barely understand him and thye other nephew is still pointing at stuff. he only cn mumble words like food, milk, and tv. I tell you this so you can not feel bad. It is a natural thing. Just like us woman compare ourselves to other women, we do so with our kids. As long as your son is loved by you, your husband, and your families, the competitiveness should not harm him. I had a baby in December and my sister in law is having one in July and i already know that everyone in the family is going to be comparing them and not only them two but also comparing them to the kids we all have. So i dont worry. Like i said love your child, and everything will be wonderful. If you cant to talk you can email me. my email is ____@____.com. I am also a 24 year old mother of two daughters (one 3, the other two months) and been married for 5 years and with my husband for 7). good luck

My cousin had a baby in January, another cousin had one in march, and I had my daughter in April. Even though there was some space between them, they constantly compared. Oksana never crawled, and walked last. I tried not to worry.They all bragged and it upset me also. They all develop at their own pace. Now she has the best vocabulary and they all want her to teach their kids.She can count to 10 and say her abc's. So I just said that they were doing a good job, but they all will do things at their own pace.So good luck with your little guy and hold tight.

Hi K., I am in a simmilar situation. My cousin (who is very close to me) had a haby 10 days after I had mine. During all this months we have gotten the babies very close so they could be friends, but of course my cousin's baby is always a step ahead my & some of her remarks are a little anoying. But this is what I do. If she tells me her baby is starting to walk I'll bring my baby right away I notice that as soon as my baby sees what his cousin is doing he start to imitate and eventually does it himself. And for those anoying little comments: what he's not doing *whatever* yet? I simply say a firm no, & then compliment anything that my baby is mastering at the moment that generally suts her up. The most important thing is to remember your baby is a miracle of perfection and he will acomplish EVERYTHING at his own time. Very soon your are going to be asking yourself why did I wanted him to grow so fast??? Trust me I know. Good luck & congratulations on your very own bundle of perfection!!!

Hi K.. This kind of stuff annoys me SO MUCH!!!! It's like, motherhood is hard enough, why add this kind of needless stress. I had big boys also. They were both around the same weight at the same age. My first NEVER crawled, until he walked. My second crawled at the same time yours started. Anyway...just saying that because they are ALL different. Someone else said that your greatest defense is education and I agree with her. Just keep reading up on milestones and stuff. I get the babycenter newsletter all the time and I always love reading it and seeing how my kids are doing as far as milestones. Even though it doesn't reduce the obnoxiousness of the situation, if it can give you more confidence to just say, 'I don't care", and enjoy your baby. And also, it absolutely does make a difference that your nephew has a 4 year old sister!!! My little guy is always running after his 4 year old brother and I can see that it's made him reach milestones faster than my first did at least.
So that's my 2¢. Hope all goes well on your next visit. Keep up the good work mama!!!

Hi K..
My older sister and I have daughter that are 3 weeks apart. They are 4 years old. My niece is the old of the two but is also the second child and my sister is married. My daughter is an only child and I am a single parent. Even though they live completely different lives, my sister continually compares them. My daughter and I spend all our time one on one and my niece doesnt get all of my sisters attention. I dont think that it is unusual for these comparisons to happen. I do, however, understand the frustration. My situation is the reverse but it still is hurtful. My daughter is very advanced and my sister always compares the two of them. It makes my niece feel awful everytime she does it. All I can say is that you should talk with your sister and let her know that if you dont treat the boys with the same amount of respect that they will grow up to resent each other. Just know that everything that you are doing and teaching your son is what is right for him and even though the camparisons are there know that you provide the best for him and neither him nor Eli is better. They are both healthy boys that will grow and learn at their own pace.

I hope you find some common ground.

M. J.

Isn't it awful how motherhood has become the newest Olympic competition? Don't take the bait. Your baby is wonderful in his own way. Your sister's feeling jealous of something else in your life.