Competition

hi L.,
first, congrats on being such a wonderful mom, especially doing the difficult single parent road, with your smart and sweet boy! it doesn't sound to me as if he's encountering ugliness, just the offhand comments that kids make not realizing they're wounding. some competition is good! rather than focusing on getting his friends to change their style (assuming that there's not true bullying or meanness going on) i'd work more on your son's internal strength and self-confidence. this doesn't happen through effusive praise, but in quiet acknowledgement and reinforcement of what he does well and how he handles challenges. i think his decision to limit time spent with his uber-competitive friend shows thoughtfulness and maturity.
my bet is that with your loving support, this difficult time will end up being an amazing growth and learning opportunity for him.
khairete
S.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, L.!
I am a retired teacher and I have seen this competition game played at various levels throughout my career. Actually, it is not limited to grade school or children and teenagers. Adults are most competitive, and they can be just as cruel, inconsiderate, and insensitive as the younger ones. However, on the younger level, there is a bit more that you can do to change the situation.
First, you can go to your son's teacher and ask her to speak to all of her students about hurting one another feelings and self-esteem when they constantly refer to a classmate's failings. Most teachers, if they are on their toes at all, are very much aware of the taunts, teasing, and ribbing that go on among their students. They also know the pecking order, who is the most popular, the cutest, the best at sports, etc., according to popular opinion in the classroom. But, just in case his teacher doesn't know all this or if she has failed or is refusing to do anything about it, request, strongly advise, or whatever you have to do to get her involved in reversing this trend. Also share with his teacher something interesting or noteworthy about your son, something that he knows quite a bit about or something that he does really well or is really good at. If you can't think of anything, teach him to do something or encourage him to learn about something that he knows the guys his age would be interested in: space, astronauts, animals, etc. If he's very young, ask him what the guys think is really cool and get a book on it or look it up online and tell him about it. Then ask the teacher to allow a time for all students(because you don't want the class to think that this is just for you son; that would be worse) to share with the class their own special things or topics. If you have friends in special fields like biologists, biochemists, policemen, firemen, etc.,boys are bound to be excited about having your son's "friend" come and show them some really neat things or experiences from his work. If his teacher is not very approachable, you can maybe appeal to other teachers in the school that you know, or, if necessary, the principal. It is just that important.

Next, you can find stories about people and animals that are not very popular, or don't seem to be worth much to humanity,not very attractive, not really good at sports,don't seem to be worth much to humanity, etc., who have shown the world that they were still special in their own way and earned the respect of their peers in time. You might look up the story of Albert Einstein. Many do not know that he had problems in school and his teacher didn't think very highly of him. However, Einstein is one of the greatest,if not the greatest, scientific mind that ever existed. Bees are not anyone's pets, generally, and no one thinks very much of the bees, except when they are stung, however, as seen the Bee Movie, not only flowers, but fruits and vegetables, herbs, and other vegetation depend on bees for for their very existence. We would not have fruits and vegetables to eat or honey if it were not for the lowly bees.

Finally, point out the good qualities your son has and tell him how much you appreciate them. Let him know that he is special to you, your family, and God, because God made only one of him. The whole world determines value by how scarce a thing is, and there is only one of him. Also make a point of commending him for a job well done and/or a job completed, his thoughfulness, and unselfishness.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
D.
____@____.com

Hello L.,

I am the mother of a 9 yr old gifted child so i relate very well to this concern. I would start by suggesting that you look up common traits of gifted children, because your son is exhibiting a classic sign. Gifted children have a very difficult time when they make mistakes and put a lot of pressure on themselves to be "perfect". They also, have a difficult time trying something new if they are afraid they wont do it perfectly the first time. (I have struggled with this with my daughter since she was 5.)

My daughter is artistic so i will give you the scenario and how i handled it with her, and maybe you can gain some insight. We were sitting at the kitchen table coloring in a coloring book together when she began cry. I ask her why she was crying and she told me it was because I colored so much better then her. I explained that i had about 20 more yrs of coloring experience then she did, and I hadn't always colored this way. Infact, i was about her age when i was coloring with a friend and realized she was better then me. So i tried to decide what it was about her work that i liked so much and next time i colored by myself i tried to do something similar. I told her, that in coloring with her (my daughter) i had just learned about a color combination that i would have never thought to put together but she had and the next time i colored I would prolly use those two colors. She was shocked to learn she had actually just taught me something and she smiled. I told her we all have something to learn from everyone we meet and everyone we meet has something they can learn from us.

I wont say this little conversation with her "won the war", but it won the battle. When her feelings of self doubt come up, i remind her what an amazing person she is, no one will ever be perfect, and depending on how bad it is, tell her a funny story of some mistake either her father or i made recently.

I wish luck and i hope that helps a little.

Hi L.,

Did the school counselor have any suggestions? I think it is her job to talk to all the classes about bullying vs. positive ways to behave. I also have a 10-year-old boy in a magnet program & I think that if your son gets As and Bs that 1) he is doing great! and 2) he most definitely belongs there. I would speak with the teacher about watching class behavior and also about encouraging your son, praising him for things he does well. Also, your son should work on how he talks to himself, being encouraging rather than discouraging (This is something everyone in the world should do!) -- I'll bet there are "self-talk" books in the library. I would check there.
Best of luck!

There are some Bible verses I tell my children concerning competition:
I am my own unique self. If I try to be like others I lose my specialness.
Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done and won't need to compare himself with someone else. Gal6:4
But when they, measure themselves by one another, and compare themselves with one another, they are not wise. 2Cor10:12
I hope this helps. AF

This is not an immediate solution but I really suggest taking The Parent Encouragement Program: Becoming A More Encouraging Parent. Helps you learn what you child is going through and how to best encourage them to be independent, self-confident people.

http://www.parentencouragement.org/index.html

The supplement material if you can't take a class right now is Children the Challenge.

You may be in a tough situation that could get worse as your child gets older. I was labeled gifted beginning in 3rd grade and was sent to advanced classes until high school. There was a move to a new town in 6th grade which didn't help, but I always found myself being not as smart as most of the advanced kids, but smarter than the regular kids. Of course I was ostracized by the regular kids for being in the advanced program (jealously makes mean kids), and I didn't identify with the nerdy super-advanced, competitive kids in my classes, so I found one or two friends who were like me and we rebelled. We had terrible study habits, acted like burn-outs, tried to act like the regular kids and shun the nerdy kids. As the school work and homework got more difficult, I fell behind because I didn't want to compete at that high level. By eighth grade, my parents were having frequent parent-teacher conferences and it was recommended I enter high school at mostly Level 1 classes, not AP or honors classes.

But that was a good thing. In high school, the ALPS kids were integrated, not always taking classes together as a group. I played sports, had many activities, had a greater variety of friends, and excelled in my level 1 courses. It felt good to be the smartest one in the class again, instead of feeling unable to measure up. I could finally balance my school work with my social life. I felt capable, things felt manageable again. By junior and senior year I was back in a few advanced courses. It took lots of encouragement and praise from my teachers to convince me I could do it. They saw a lot of unrealized potential in me. Anyway, I graduated 5th in my class and went to a good college on a scholarship.

So, I guess the moral of my story is...don't let advanced classes rob your son of his self-esteem. If he can do it, great. If the competition is too much, let him go back to being the smartest of the regular kids and supplement his work at home, or with special assignments from his teachers.
Make sure he has balance in his life, so it doesn't take all of his energy to keep getting good grades. And do speak to the other parents and teachers about toning down the level of competition in his classmates.

My 4 yr old started reading early and seems to be heading down the same road I did. I don't know what we plan to do as far as his schooling. Having a smart kid can be a blessing and a curse! Good luck to you.

Hopefully, I can at least give you some encouragement to help you and your son feel better through this. It's so very hard for our kids now days. Other kids can seem to say some of the most hurtful things sometimes. We often wonder what in the world these kids are taught. Our oldest son, now almost 13yrs, went through a really tough time with low self esteem. In fact, with my son, it became a behavior issue. I knew something had to be up because we are a family that does not tollerate misbehavior at school. He finally told us crying one day, that he didn't care how much trouble he got into each day. He just wasn't gonna let his friends see how stupid he was. Now he really thought he was stupid. What we learned through that experience is that some kids are hurt more than helped when they are taken out of their 'regular' class and placed into a higher level class or a lower level class. We adults can see the good in the move but if our child is not ready for it, then why make them suffer? He will still be just as smart as he is today if he goes back to his 'regular' class. Learning has to be fun or they will grow to hate it. You can request that he not be in that other child's class in the future. I personally would not talk to the other child's mom. The child learned his competitive nature from somewhere/one. And who knows what can-of-worms that might open?! You have a tough job mom. Now, more than ever, you have to make home a safe place for him to share with you ALL of his troubles. When you guys are together, point out for him ALL of the things he does good. This really helped pull my son out of the doom and gloom back then. And I have made it a habit to do with all of my boys. Constantly tell them what a great job they are doing. If he picks up a toy, I say thank you. And if he puts his plate in the sink I praise him. All day long I am constantly praising him, uplifting him, encouraging him, asking for his advice, requesting his help...I'm sure you get the picture. It is a lot of work for you, but it is so worth it to see their faces light up with self confidence.
Learning has to stay fun. Maybe he can do the more advanced work with you at home and keep to his regular work load at school.

I can't wait to hear how he is doing down the road. L., you have to really give yourself a 'that a girl' pat on the back for doing such a great job with him. He wouldn't be doing so well had he not had YOU by his side. GREAT JOB MOM!

As for that unemployed status, I would be gald to help you change that. What I do, may or may not be for you, but it sure wouldn't hurt to listen, right? Call me anytime ###-###-####.

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal. If you or someone you know would like more info please email me anytime at ____@____.com Thanks!

Sounds like you have gotten some fabulous advice. I have been going through the same things with my son, albeit younger. He was moved up in KG to a 1st grade math and wanted to move down again. I worked with him at home to review the answers he got wrong on quizzes on the weekends to be sure he understood the concept. I also put him in Kumon in the summer months for math and reading, as most of his friends were in higher reading groups and he felt stupid. He was developing low self esteem, so the extra work gave him confidence. He is now in 1st grade and has moved up to a higher reading group with his friends and feels better. He still has to work a bit harder than them, so the teacher suggested to make up flash cards for the words he does not know. It takes all of 5-10 extra minutes a night to improve his spelling, reading with this method and he gains confidence. His math is excellent now and he gets 100%. Best of all now he feels better about himself. The challenge now is that behavior is now more strict and he feels bad that he loses points for not listening, etc and others don't. I have had him see the counselor at school and she has been great at helping him understand how to accept consequences and how to improve his behavior, and understand he is not a bad child. He was crying hysterically when he lost points - really it was upsetting to see.

I am telling you all of this because I am now working in the middle school near our home with ESOL students and can see the same behavior. It breaks my heart. They mostly need words of encouragement and a little help that allows them to understand and become more independent successful workers. I don't think children should be overachievers, but if they have abilities and need to overcome confidence issues, you can see how good they feel about themselves that they are improving their grades. They are more relaxed also.

I can't say that I have seen the competition of other students/parents ever go away. That saddens me, but it is a fact to live with. If it is too much, there is always talking with the teachers, administration. I do instill values at home that its okay to not be perfect all the time, and everyone cannot be good at everything. I show my son my shortcomings and ask his assistance, so he can learn to be a team player and not compete. Soccer has been great for this, and it's good your son is playing soccer. And I encourage my son to choose his friends wisely.

My son was also labeled gifted at age 2 by social workers. He is not genius level, but does exhibit the emotions that go along with the intelligence. I like to be sure he is challenged in fun ways to offset things.

Best of luck.

I would let him handle it the way he has decided to handle it. I think it is good that he has decided to limit his time with him. I would encourage him to study more if he wants to be as smart as his peers.

I wanted to let you know that I work for Lockheed Martin and we have won a large contract called IHOP. If you go on the wwwk.lockheedmartin.com website and search of the job and type in IHOP under the Program name, there are many jobs out there. Primarily in Crystal City and Merrifield (Fairfax on the Dunn Loring/Merrifield metro line). They are looking for anyone who has previous TSA-HR experience. All the best to you.

Hi.
Your problem really hits home. My 7y has a friend that is a neighbor that he feels this way about. This boy was able to read very well in K, and my son, who was just learning to read felt stupid because he wasn't as good or as fast as friend 'A'. The friend would say the same types of things that your son is being told. I told my son that everyone has something that they are really good at and not so good at. 'A' may be stronger in reading, but your stronger in sports. 'A' may know how to play DS games better than you, but your more socable then he is... Its been three school years now, and we got word the other day, that my son and friend 'A' took the yearly reading test to see what grade level equivalent they are on. Guess what, they tested the same! When I told my son that they tested the same, he couldn't believe it!!

As for your son, help him see past the grades and the comments. Just because someone says "You didn't know that?" or "I knew that already", doesn't mean that they really know it too, they may just be making it seem like they already knew it. The fact that your son was asked to test for the class, and was actually accepted into the class means that he is smart enough to be there. He may just learn at a different pace then his classmates.
Good luck.
M.

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Mommy tell your son to be strong, he sounds like a bright, smart child. Hold fast it sounds like his friends has a case of the know-it-all tongue. Even if you are brilliant but humble, your mere presence may cause those to develop low self-esteem and feel inferior. son tell them I am prudent and therefore I do not flaunt my knowledge.( A prudent man conceals knowledge. Proverbs 12:23
Mommy you help him show him tell him that his self worth is more then all the silver and gold in the world, he is priceless - priceless make him feel priceless. There is no one like him in this whole world.
God Bless

Keep in mind that they statement "you didn't know that" could be something that the other boy got from his family. I think probably our best bet would be to work with your own son at that age. Getting this other boy to stop saying that isn't going to make your son's self esteem better, in all reality. someone else could come along and say it, bringing him down. How about trying to get him into something other than soccer, to be exposed to different people? Maybe him meeting some new people, opening up new friendships, may be good for him. He may start to realize that putting others down like the friends he now has is not a very friendly thing to do. Did the councelor give you any advice in helping this situation? Sorry I don't have much advice, but basically wanted to say that it is a deeper issue, and trying to "fix" your son's way of thinking through another boy will probably end up backfiring on you.
K.

My heart goes out to you because what hurts our little ones, hurts us as mom. I wouldn't suggest taking him out of the advanced classes because he'll gain a lot more from staying in them than he will from less challenging classes. I suggest that you reinforce his self-esteem by taking opportunities to point out his great qualities (which I'm sure he has many) and tell him how proud you are on the things that he does well. There is always going to be someone else faster, smarter, etc. than ourselves, but there is also going to be someone else less so, as well. And he needs to learn to be proud of his own achievements without comparing himself to anyone else.