Communication and How Important It Is to Me, Not So Much the Other Half.

Forgive me if I missed something on that 1 very long paragraph.

How old are your 4 children?
Was the recent relationship you just ended with their bio dad or a boyfriend?

It sounds to me like you are looking to hook up again too fast with a new boyfriend, You can be a good mom and woman without a steady boyfriend. Let things fall into place at the right times vs pushing it.

Why have you already introduced him to your children? You do know it's not good for children to be involved with revolving boyfriends?

I know it's important for you to have your time and single moms do deserve free time and fun but you should have your 4 children as your priority and not worry so much about a boyfriend.

Those children will be grown up, in college and out on their own before you know it. Enjoy being mom.,, you'll have more time than you realize once the children are out of the house.

Don't try so hard to be in a relationship. Work on yourself first so you are self confident, self sufficient and provide a stable home for your children.

You were distraught in May and it's too soon to be in a serious relationship again.

If he's still dating his ex girlfriend he's not in a relationship with you and you are foolish to believe otherwise.
Unless you also go "shark diving" with your ex's?
Have some fun but for crying out loud don't expose your kids to any of it.

You've only been dating for a couple of months. I think your expectations are way out of line with such a young relationship. I would think he would be feeling very suffocated by your expectations. You've only been together for a couple of months. Your expectations are more in-line with a couple that is married or engaged or at least seriously thinking along those lines. He might not view the relationship as being as serious as you do and think you're encroaching on his freedom a bit.

I think I would give it some more time and wait until your relationship is more serious.

I think it's important to understand why you're ready to be in a relationship again so quickly. Spend time pondering why your other relationship failed. Analyze and learn from it. Learn how you contributed to it. Otherwise you will more than likely repeat the same mistakes. Introducing him to your children is also a red flag. You're taking your children along for the ride emotionally and that's not fair at all. In my opinion, it's near impossible to "know someone" in 8 weeks.

My advice, slow down. Be happy being a family with your kids. Make a list of traits you're looking for if you decide to be in a relationship again. Focus on your kids. Swear off dating for at least 6 months.

You have only been dating a few months and you already introduced your children to him? Whoa lady, hit the brakes here. Your last man (who you exposed your kids to) was an alcoholic. Now after only a few months, you've exposed your kids to a new man. You need to slow down and focus on your 4 kids. If you want to date, that's your business, but I think you need to keep your kids best interests first by NOT exposing them to men this soon. They need stability and I can't imagine they feel stability when in the last 6 months you have had 2 different boyfriends in their lives.

It also doesn't sound like this man, who has no kids and is used to doing what he wants, when he wants, is ready for a serious relationship with a woman who has 4 kids in tow. I think you need to cool your jets and slow down a bit before you push this man away. Take a long long break from dating and in the future wait a long long time before you introduce a new man to your kids.

He's a boyfriend and you've been burned before.
It seems to me that both of you are not ready for an exclusive relationship with each other.

If you want a guy that's fun to do dinner or a movie with every so often - he's your guy.
You should have others listed in your little black book - and it seems he's still seeing his ex and who knows who else.
If you're looking for 'the one' to bond with for the rest of your life - pass on this guy.
Take your time and play the field.
It's worth your while not to rush into any situation which might land you right where you were with the last relationship you went through.

In fact - you might want to take the time to figure out why you seem to fall for the same type of guy - those who don't communicate with you to your satisfaction.
Once you have that figured out - go in a completely new direction and dump anyone that resembles the same old baggage.
This current guy seems like more or less the same thing you just went through with the last guy.
You owe it to your kids to get this right - they don't need to see you going through this over and over again.

You are in too much of a rush, dear.

Just four months ago, you got out of a long-term, "toxic" relationship with a guy you said you loved (in your last post), and now, just a few months later, you've already been dating this new man for 2 months and are pushing for a serious relationship. (Yes, you are. You've already introduced him to your children).

That's not enough time. You need to be on your own, without any serious relationship so you can learn some important things about yourself. Giving yourself this time and space will help you grow and learn things about yourself that you need to know. If you don't, you will still keep making the same poor choices in relationships.

It's a different guy this time, but the issues are the same. You want this new guy to do something he doesn't want or is unwilling to do---just like the last guy. It's as if you think, "if they will just do this_______(stop drinking/lying or communicate before making plans) that everything will be perfect.

It won't. You're trying to make this new guy fit some idealized vision you have, and it's not reality.

Be on your own. Learn about yourself. Be with your young children. Don't try to force a relationship with someone who isn't on the same page as you. When it's real, it's not this hard.

Can you just put the brakes on this? Let's review the timeline here. Your 2.5 year relationship (which was lousy) ended 4 months ago. And you've been dating the new guy for 2 months. So you took a whole two months off from men before jumping back in. And your INTRODUCED THIS GUY TO YOUR KIDS? What the heck, really? Have you considered how unhealthy it is for your kids to have to deal with the parade of mommy's boyfriends? What are you doing, really? If you're so lonely that you can't be without a man for more than a few weeks, then fine, date around, sleep around, do whatever you want but leave your kids out of it! Sorry to be harsh because I know that this isn't what you asked for advice on but honest to God, single moms like you make me furious. I'm a single mom too and when I start dating (which won't be a for a long time because my energy and attention is focused on my kids, where it belongs right now) I'm sure as hell not introducing every guy I like to my kids and you shouldn't either.

Anyway...this is the very beginning of a relationship. You are learning who each other is. If his "communication style" bugs you, then move on.

Sounds like you are more into this than he is. If you had plans to go to the zoo with the kids and then he made plans afterwards with an ex-girlfriend I would say he is casually dating you and you are in a relationship with him. Something more fun came up and he decided to do "fun" and not "family".

To me, this is more than just a communication problem. You have different views of the relationship. You have only been dating a very short period of time. Relax! Your kids have through a lot. You need to spend your energy on them and not some new guy who might or might not be as committed as you seem to be.

At least he's saying the right words. It's only been a couple of months. Give him time to adjust, it sounds like at least he is receptive to the idea.

Dating is about figuring out whether or not someone is right for you. That's why you should do it for at least a year or two before you make a permanent commitment.

Don't come down on him too hard yet. Changes are hard for any of us to make. Maybe he needs a gentle reminder. And as TF says, maybe you should make the primary focus your family. Enjoy your time with him when you have it, and time will tell you if he's a flake.

Is it communication, or are you hurt?

To me - you sound hurt. You just got out of a relationship with a man who lied to you, that you didn't trust. I don't think you should be with a new man at this point. Why? because your self esteem must have been pretty low to put up with a guy like your ex for 2 1/2 years. So it takes longer than 2 months to develop self worth.

I am saying this (maybe I'm totally wrong) because I've been there. I ended up saying no to dating after I left my ex for a very long time. It wasn't until I felt 'amazing' on my own that I even looked at a guy again. You have kids. Think of how emotionally drained you were over your ex's issues for 2 1/2 years. Take time to concentrate on your kids - and yourself.

That would be my advice.

As for this guy, he just doesn't sound any where near as committed as you think he ought to be. To me - that would be a red flag, that a) I'm attaching too much weight and emotion to things right now, and why is that? and b) maybe he's not looking to for a serious commitment. Especially if he's hanging with his ex. Maybe it's completely platonic, but I don't think I'd be thrilled if my guy was cancelling plans on me to spend time with his ex.

well, you're only a couple of months in. i think it's great that you're clearly communicating your needs to him, but now maybe you need to take some time to learn HIS communication needs instead of just expecting him to conform to yours. and it's great that he's saying that he hears you and is working on it.
it's only been a couple of months. you don't even know at this point if it's serious or not.
you say you 'initially' had plans to take your kids somewhere, and include him in the 'we' part of the planning. you're unclear about this bit. did you BOTH plan to take the kids somewhere and THEN he made the shark diving plans? or did YOU plan it and not check with him?
i'm not touching the fact that he's going on an adventure date with an ex-girlfriend..........
you say you've had a talk (that you dreaded, which also speaks volumes) three times in a single week and are now frustrated that he hasn't got it all down and accommodated your needs.
i'm sorry, hon, but to me that reads like nagging a guy who isn't, perhaps, all that into you.
going forward i'd continue to be open about what you need (although maybe not having a Big Talk three times in a week), but also be open to hearing him and how it works for him instead of simply dictating how you want it to work for you.
and.....er......... maybe taking a dim view of him creating memories with other chicks.
khairete
S.

You shouldn't have introduced your kids to him at all. That should take months at least. He should be 100% invested in YOU before you introduce your kids to him. No way would I be okay with how he's acting, and you're expecting to have him like you've been married 10 years and they are his kids.

You need to take time to work on YOU. Focus on your KIDS. When you are good with you and your kids, then look for a man...but put that on the back burner for a long time.

So many things popped into my head reading this.

After a couple of months, you have no idea if you are compatible with this man. If you've had to have a "dreaded" conversations several time already and your relationship isn't even 6 months old, you are likely NOT compatible.

You are dating him seriously. He is dating you casually and still dating other people. You have a mismatch in expectations. If you want to keep going out with him, that's fine, but with the full understanding that this is not a serious relationship. This is just for fun at this point.

With the above things in mind, he should not spend time with your kids. If you are still dating a year from now then, maybe, re-introduce him to your kids.

Finally, as to your question itself - remember that you can't change someone else. Didn't you learn this lesson in your last relationship? You couldn't change his trust issues, and you couldn't change his drinking. You can't change this man either. His fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants style is who he is. He can understand your perspective all day long, but that doesn't mean he can change who he is, which is a spontaneous person who doesn't think to let others know his plans. You accept this about him, or you move on.

A.,

You're a stay at home mom to 4? Where is their father in all of this? How do they feel about the boyfriend? Why, after only a few months, have you introduced them to him?

Is he living with you now? What is your arrangement? Is this the same guy you had a hard time letting go out with his friends? What magically changed that you are now "FINE" with him going out with his ex-girlfriend?

I don't get this. You sound like a VERY HIGH MAINTENANCE female, who is in need of constant adult interaction. Do you call him at work too, just to say hi? I'm not trying to be snotty - but seriously. Come on. Take a step back and see it from the other side.

He is telling you he wants to communicate better. However, is it possible that you're just talking way too much for him to get a word in edge wise?

Take a break. Focus on yourself and your kids. You don't NEED a man in your life, do you? You were in a long relationship - now take time for you. Let this guy go and take time on YOU.

you might need to learn to LISTEN and not talk TO him but WITH him. there is a HUGE difference.

Good luck!

There's NO WAY I would introduce my kids to a new man after a few months.

You've moved way too fast. Put the brakes on and break up with him. Found a counselor for you and your kids so that you all can learn to communicate with each other. You need to find YOU.

Great that you are a stay at home mom and single. Not many women can do that. Kudos to you. Now focus on your children and NOT a love life.

You had plans to go to the zoo with the kids and then he changed plans to go out with an ex girlfriend? Sorry but it sounds like he is just not that into you. He ditched you and the kids because something better came along.

My opinion is that at only 2 months into the relationship things should,be easy and fun. If you're having communication issues and had to have 3 talks in a week, the relationship just doesn't sound like it's so great. At least there is no way I would be willing to settle. On the other hand, I can't imagine calling the guy I am dating for only 2 months my "better half" it sounds like you are not on the same page about your relationship status.

He may look good on paper but that doesn't mean he is the right guy for you.

whoa!! down girl!!!

You shouldn't be in a new relationship!! That's my opinion. You need a break and your kids need a break.

Kids should NOT be introduced to a boyfriend until there is a firm commitment there. And two months does NOT make a firm commitment.

Focus on your kids and you. Get to know YOU. Stop dating for at least a year. You have FOUR kids. You sound REALLY young. Take a breather. Let this guy go. He's still seeing his ex-girlfriend.

ETA:
Wait..
This isn't even a 4 month relationship. You broke up with the more than 2 year relationship 4 months ago. So this one is "a couple of months" old? Is that 3 1/2 months, or is it 8 weeks? Either way. You are really pushing the envelope here, in my opinion. You need to slow down. Makes me wonder if going shark diving with his ex is a hint. He's not seeing this as some sort of committed relationship. How could he? It's weeks old. It just doesn't work like that. Why the rush to be in a heavy relationship already, again? You have 4 kids who need you, not drama, in their lives.
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(original)
I'll jump on the bandwagon and ask if this isn't expecting too much, too soon, and way too soon for a 4 month relationship to have your 4 kids already involved in it.

ALL of that aside (and that's saying a lot), I still am curious about the details you left out. "For instance: going shark diving with one of his ex girlfriends when we initially had plans to take the kids to zoo lights next week and I didn't find out until their plans had already been set in stone. " What? You had plans to take the kids to zoo lights? How set in stone were these plans? Was it just something you mentioned in passing and when he seemed interested you took it to be set plans? It obviously wasn't a set plan in his mind. Otherwise, he wouldn't have made shark diving plans with someone else. Are you certain he didn't understand you to say that YOU were taking your kids to this event, and therefore he made other plans for himself? (just one possibility here... since we are lacking in details).

You allude to there be many instances, but this one just in the last week. What were the others? How often does this happen (miscommunication)? Maybe it isn't him that is mis-communicating?
But, yeah... 4 months in and you expect him to take your kids to a Christmas light show in stead of shark diving. Shark diving sounds great. I'm guessing you don't dive, otherwise why didn't he invite you? Are you certain that this is a closed, monogamous relationship? I'm not suggesting he is being dishonest, just wondering if this has been discussed and communicated clearly on both sides. Because it doesn't sound that way from this post and his behavior. I didn't go back and read your previous posts, either, but from the other commenters responses gleaned that you have 4 kids. Maybe I'll go back and read the previous posts, too.

Since your relationship is so new you are getting to know each other. I would plan on dating for a good long time while slowly getting to know him. Plan on keeping it light...don't move in together and don't expect him to be there for your kids yet. Your first priority is just you and your kids. After a year or so of dating you will know him better and you will know if he is the kind of person who would make a good stepfather and husband. Then you can both start getting more serious with each other. I think you are rushing things and are expecting too much from a guy you have only known a few months. He may or may not be the person you want to be serious with...take your time. I think it is way to early to have "the communication talk" with him over and over. Keep it light for now and just do things the two of you while you get a babysitter for the kids.

Have you considered a different way of communicating? It sounds as though the "talk" part isn't going well. So try visual.

Put up a calendar, with plenty of space for writing. Post it where you both can see it if you share a house. Or use a shared calendar app on a smartphone. Or a whiteboard. Or post-it notes. I'm sorry I don't know the names of those kinds of shared calendar apps but I believe there are plenty out there, where one person can write "doctor Smith 2 pm" and the other person who has access to the calendar can see "oh, Joe has that doctor's appointment that day". Just ask him to put something in his phone; it doesn't have to be detailed, just "busy 6 - 8 pm" or something like that if that's all he can manage.

I'm just thinking that he's not used to having to think about the planning that goes into events with children, or perhaps he's not used to or comfortable with verbally discussing plans. Maybe you can try telling him that while you're a mature adult, kids have a different mindset, and when plans are made and kids are anticipating going to the circus, or the playground, or to McDonalds, they get excited and they don't always have the maturity to understand changes in plans. That comes with growing up a little.

And make sure not to use words like "entitled". Just try a lighter hand. Tell him it helps with the kids and planning events and a sense of peace if his unavoidable commitments are made known in advance.

You can still have great communication, just visual instead of audible.

So how long before you ended things with the previous guy before going out with this one?

Time to move on, A..

There are some things we learn as we get older and experience being with other people. To me, the repeated conversations are red flags which indicate: communication really isn't a priority for him. He may be nice, and like your kids, but he may not be on the same page in regard to having that level of commitment. This means that he takes you and the kids into consideration before making plans---- and he's not in that space.

It may be that he enjoys being with you and the kids, but isn't ready to really make any sort of commitment. Which, to me, translates to "be wary, guard your heart".

Between my divorce and dating my now-husband, I dated a great guy. He did a lot of fun things, some of which I deeply admired, was ambitious-- and what I realized was that he was more concerned and caught up with making things happen for himself and running his business than he was with making sure to spend time together and keep his commitments to me. There were a lot of "I'm running late" phone calls, weekends upended because 'something' came up.... he wasn't cheating, just busy and preoccupied. I decided I wanted more than what he could offer and even though "I love yous" had been exchanged, I knew he wasn't the right person. It freed me up, both with my schedule (not sitting around, waiting) and emotionally-- I didn't have to settle for someone who wasn't inclined to prioritize me or the relationship. It's okay to really like someone, even love someone, and to understand that they aren't exactly what you are looking for and let them go. Something to think about. I would have missed out on so many good things if I had tried to make it work.

That guy? He married for a short while and is single again. I see him at the park sometimes with his dogs. He doesn't seem very happy, but that's not something I dwell on too much. I will say, though, that when I see him now, I'm so glad I knew enough to walk away from something he could only give by halves to.... waiting for him to be completely emotionally invested would only have ended up in heartbreak.

Honey:
The signs are all there RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS ..
You are in another toxic relationship. He didn't plan to go diving with his 'ex-girlfriend' he planned to go diving with his current girlfriend --- YOU are the woman he is using to cheat on his girlfriend.
Dump this creep. Find a counselor and start counseling -- heal yourself before you get involved with another man.

There are a couple of possibilities that come to my mind reading this. The first one is that he is not as committed to this new relationship as you are. Have you talked about being exclusive or if this is something he sees getting serious? Skipping on plans to hang with his ex tells me he may not be at the same point you are in this relationship and that is something you need to consider moving forward.

The other possibility is that he just honestly doesn't know how to communicate properly in a relationship, and being alone for so long can make someone rusty on what is expected.

But not knowing him personally it is all just speculation.

After reading your so what happened and seeing he invited you on the outing with the ex and canceled with you could not come makes me lean more towards the idea that he is just rusty on this relationship stuff, give him time.