Communicating with My Husband (Sorry for the Wordiness)

I suggest reading the book "Non-violent Communication." There is a web site that will tell you about this form of talking and has excerpts from the book. It's about how to word things so that the other person is less apt to misunderstand your intent. I know your difficulty is more complicated than the way you word things. This is just an idea for a start.

I strongly urge you to get started with counseling. I suspect your husband won't go. He sounds very rigid in his belief system. But you go and learn how to manage things so that you can be happy.

Later: I went back and read a couple of your previous posts. It sounds like you want for your husband to work together with you as a team. I learned with several of my relationships that some people just aren't able to be a part of a team. I suspect that they're too insecure to allow anyone else to have a part in their decisions. Unconsciously they believe that if they are totally in charge that they will be OK. Obviously that's not true.

I read that you have some serious health issues. I hope that you've been able to take care of yourself without depending on your husband to help you. He's not able to understand that you need certain foods because he's not able to accept that you're ill. I suggest that he believes that as long as he denies the illness it will be OK. At the same time he knows, also unconsciously, that you are ill and as you said this affects his attitude in a negative way. He's expending a lot of energy fighting with you so that he doesn't have to accept that you have serious health issues. Does he now have serious health issues too? If so he's very, very scared.

He's behaving out of fear, an emotion. Logic will not help him. He's too frightened. It would help immensely if you could find a way to allow him to talk about his fears. I suspect he's macho and can't do it. You really need to get started in counseling even if he won't go so that you can learn how to deal with his personality. You can also learn how to deal with your own fears without depending on him.

One caveat that helps me is to remember that everyone is doing the best that they can do at the moment. Perhaps if you could be empathic to both your situation and his then you'll be less angry to get angry with his angry responses.

Another caveat that helps me is the idea that my world is unfolding in the way that it should be. I try to see every situation as one in which I'm to learn something. Looking back on my many years of living, I see this as true.

What I suggest is that most of all you need to take care of yourself. Your shutting down is a way of doing that. So, don't be afraid to shut down. It's a good thing to do. It's healthy because you know he's unable to have a reasonable conversation. Backing off show that you know you can't change what's happening.

I suggest that you can't change your husband and his macho attitude. You can change the way you react to him. Counseling will help you learn how to do that.

As to fixing things that need to be fixed, my mother learned how to make that happen. She did it herself when my Dad wasn't around. I suggest that the smoke alarms can appear on the ceiling and he won't notice. Or if he does you can refuse to discuss it. Don't get sucked into his need to fight about it. That would be a time to withdraw/shut down. You can't change him, only yourself.

It's very reasonable to want a partner in your marriage. It seems obvious that your husband, at this time, is unable to share responsibility. When you see that something needs to be done, you'll need to do it, quietly, without involving him. For example: you can eat healthy. Let him eat however he wants to eat. You don't have to eat out with him. Only when you stand your ground and do what is right will he be able to see that what you're doing works. Stay away from blaming him.

As for Christmas, could you have money to spend the way you want to spend it. Do your Christmas shopping without him. Start to become independent from him in a quiet way. Stop trying to change him into something he's unable to be. Yes, he should share the holiday spirit but he's not doing so. You make your own holiday happiness with your children.

I am confused as to has the major health problems. If it's him, you cannot change the way he eats. You can only be an example for eating healthy. That might eventually allow him to also eat healthy. But eating healthy when he's not is extremely difficult. If you eat healthy for your own health then it's worth doing so. I suggest, however, if you're eating healthy for his benefit then you run the risk of feeling angry at him which make the issue of eating one of anger instead of one in which you're doing it for yourself. If you eat healthy for yourself, then it doesn't matter so much if he eats healthy or not. How he eats is his responsibility. If you can let go of feeling responsible for what he does while doing what you know to be right for yourself and your children you'll have less reason to feel anger and your communication with your husband will be less angry. Complicated, I know. Counseling will help you understand this.

If it's your husband who has had several small strokes, keep in mind that strokes can change one's personality. Some of his inability to communicate could very well be related to parts of his brain having died. You might be able to find a support group for families who are affected by strokes or other health issues.

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J.,

I have been married for 23 years. I know that marriage is about give and take, and communication. It sounds to me that the communication has completely broken down between you and your husband, if there ever was any. It also sounds to me that he is pretty controlling. I think you and your husband would benefit from a series of visits with a marriage counselor. I have lived with a perpetually angry husband... its not easy, and its rarely about you. It's imperative that you communicate your frustrations and work through his anger if you want your marriage to survive.

As for Christmas, if you are going to catch hell either way, I say make your boys smile in the meanwhile.

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the John Grey books about Mars and Venus communicating are very helpful to learn to communicate. it expalins that men are rubber bands who need to pull back for a while before they can come closer, and that when a man goes into his "cave" (pulls away from you) you cannot follow him into the cave you have to wait till he comes out on his own. (because men are from a different planet -dont try to understand why)
I would hang the smoke detectors when he is not home,)he prob wont notice and it could save your children's lives! I have a tall step stool that isnt as high as a ladder and is easier to carry around if that would help you reach it would be a great investment.
Dont ask your husband to plan details of Christmas with you. He cant deal with too much planning and details right now. Ask him what he thinks is appropriate for a budget (when you're home and relaxing, not out shopping) If he won't answer then you decide what is reasonable then either tell him or just go forward with your plan. YOU can make this an enjoyable Holiday for your kids- just leave your hubby out of it, don't expect him to help decorate, Dont discuss cooking or menus with him Just do it and IGNORE him when he gets angry. Say "It's for the children" and walk away. Single moms are enjoying the holidays with their kids not waiting for a hubby to help them plan and decorate and shop. Yes, it's worse to be acting like a single mom when you're not, and having a cranky husband to deal with is worse than no husband. But just decide to have a nice holiday with him on the fringes.
The only conversation I would want to have with him is "have you gone to the doctor?" say it every time he brings up his health and then say nothing more, walk away. What would he do if you made the apt and just told him "I know you're so busy so I made the apt for you. You have an apt with Dr. --- on Dec. ----. I wrote it on the calendar."

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I didn't read the other responses, excuse me if I'm repetitive.

A few things stand out to me. You have cyclical habit of fantasizing about communication, that doesn't happen. You shut down, get angry. He gets angry and cuts you off. You fantasize about him dying. (This is a MASSIVE, deep problem.) You both ruin and cheat your sons out of good childhood experiences (holidays.)

You both are equally the problem. Your marriage is crumbling. This has probably been happening, for a very long time. Your children probably know it, because it is probably glaringly obvious. THEY are being affected most, I assure you that. I can't imagine how they could feel any peace, in this kind of atmosphere. If for no one else, get help for the sake of your children. This is so incredibly damaging to them and their future relationships. You can't fix this on your own. No amount of effort just from the two of you will repair the damage here. You need professional help to intervene and counsel you through this. Your children need counseling, too.

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If you haven't already done so, I think it would be helpful
if you got into some counseling for yourself.
I know better than to suggest bringing him to counseling.
However, you can learn some tools for 1) taking care of yourself,
2) taking care of your children, 3) taking care of what needs to be done.
You'll especially learn some techniques for avoiding the frustration
of attempting to have a conversation with your husband.
Good luck.

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J., I don't know how you live with this. If you want your marriage to work and your children to grow up to treat their wives properly, you need to get you and your husband to a counselor. I don't know how you'll get him there, but you should do whatever it takes to get him there.

If his checkup turns out to be normal (no cancer), you might want to get life insurance on him, and be the OWNER of the policy so that he can't change the benficiary to keep controlling you.

I have to say that things seem very wrong in your marriage. As far as getting gifts for the boys is concerned, I would just go buy what you want to for them and ignore your husband's tantrums. The money in the family is not just his.

Good luck,
D.

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Gosh...it sounds like you've been walking on egg shells for awhile now! I'm sorry to hear that because it has clearly impacted you greatly.

Everyone seems to be suggesting counseling of some sort and I have to agree. Things to maybe explore are why you are so controled, maybe some co-dependency issues, and maybe why you stay in the marriage. Happy parents make for happy kids so maybe x-mas gifts to think about are not material so much as good experiences. If that seems tough with the hubby, maybe you and the kids and other family/friends can accommodate?

Your husband sounds like he's still grieving and maybe has had some other difficulties that go beyond communication...respect is demonstrated through actions and words...not just words.

So please take care of yourself and do what you need to do to find yourself again or maybe even for the first time? You'll be happier for it and your kids will too:)

Good luck!

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Your foundation definitely IS cracked. In more ways than one.
I think you should seek counseling to learn to communicate better and also to deal with health fears.
Clamming up, shutting down, interpreting or misinterpreting body language, etc is no way to try to continue.
Your husband wants things simple, you want fanfare.
You want to do things and he doesn't want you going to any trouble.
In the end, things don't get done and you're no closer to a resolution.
There is a way to learn to compromise. It takes work, but it's better than going the way you are.
Give yourselves a present and schedule an appointment to talk to someone so that you can work on things for the sake of your marriage and your children.

I wish you the best.

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Wow, there is a lot of narcissism going on here, not sure who's dishing more of it out though. Seems like nothing will improve until both of you are committed to communicating effectively, maybe you should seek counseling before the relationship becomes more toxic.

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Your husband sounds depressed and it seems like his lack of motivation is causing some major communication issues between the two of you. To really get to the root of the problem, counseling is really the only way to go. If he won't go at first, tell him you are going on your own. If you don't have insurance that covers it or you can't afford it on your own, many churches in your area may provide free or low cost marriage counseling. The bottom line is BOTH of you need some help to get talking again and get him out of his self-pity mode. You are in my prayers as I can see you are hurting. God Bless.

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It's all a communication issue between you both. Women think and communicate differently than men. If a man feels nagged or mothered, he gets angry and rebels against his wife by not helping out with things and becoming hostile towards her. It sounds like he sees you as his enemy rather than his wife. I think you have totally good intentions but just don't understand the man-brain. The man brain is all ego. If he feels in any way that you don't think he can figure something out, handle something, or that you need to tell him how to do something, etc, he will become hostile towards you. In your mind, you are just trying to communicate and work together. In his mind, you are attacking his intelligence and questioning his capabilities. Rather than telling you this, he will do his own thing and neglect things that he knows you care about to get back at you. I know it really doesn't seem fair or nice, especially when you are not trying to be mean or hurt his ego or any of that. My husband operates this way. I had to back off, not even ask for things for awhile, and then if I did, had to say, "dear, if it is not too much trouble, when you have time, can you do x?" So for Christmas stuff, you could say, "I know you know our finances and stuff. Do you think it would be a good idea to buy x that costs x? I just don't have any idea how much to spend? You are so good with money. What do you think?" This way, you are feeding his ego, you still get your question answered, and he doesn't feel like his intelligence is questioned. I know not all men act this way, but if a man feels insecure about himself, or scared, like you said, and in addition feels like his wife views him that way, often they behave this way. Hope this helps.

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Your boys are 15 and 19!

Just buy them a vid game or whatever it is they want and don't worry so much about traditional Christmas.... it does faze out when kids grow up.

You and hubby have some bigger fish to fry seems to me.

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"I start thinking that I hope that my husband will just die and quit bitching. "

You need counseling. I don't think your control-freak husband will go with you, but you should go for yourself.

If it were me, I'd be a bit more worried about my husband's health than presents for Christmas, but that's just me.

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Hi J.,

I haven't read every response, so sorry if I duplicate.

Yes, counseling. For both of you if he will go, just for you if he won't. Sounds like co-dependency (the "walking on eggshells " bit especially.)

If he won't listen when you talk could you write him a note saying what you want to say? send an email?

If you can arrange to go shopping by yourself, and finances are not an issue, I would get the child the item he has been asking for for a long time. If you want more "pageantry" I think it is ok for you to try to provide it for your kids--cookies, church-going, cards, whatever....

Aside from that, you owe it to yourself and family to try to get the two parents on the same page. Your kids are learning that this is an OK way to relate to one's spouse. Is that the message you want to send?

Good luck to you

K. Z.

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Dear J.:

You've got much bigger problems than the Christmas season buying. You and your husband desperately need couples counseling. If he won't go, you go. Your home life is unpleasant and dangerous, i.e., the smoke detectors laying around!

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds extremely controlling and he doesn't know how to deal with his stress. His anger and need to control everything is a large red flag.

If you won't change things for yourself, change them for your children. Their idea of what marriage should be like is learned from you and your husband. This cycle needs to stop! You and your children deserve more.

L. F., mom of a 15-year-old daughter, married for 23 years to my best friend

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Put things into perspective. There is no toy, or holiday fanfare that will replace your husband or your family unit as a whole for your children. They will have many more rotten Christmases if they see you treat him poorly and if indeed he is seriously sick. They'll only remember the coldness, not some silly toys.

I'm hoping that your obsession with planning the perfect Christmas or buying that special gift is a coping mechanism for the very frightening prospect that your husband could be seriously ill.

Your goal right now should be to comfort and console this man, so he will not be afraid to get into the doctor! Otherwise, you'll not only be living in a run-down house, you very well could be living in it all alone with your two boys wondering how you could have wasted all of those years worrying about insignificant arguments and peeves regarding your husband.

Bleeding isn't always a sign of the end. You need to remind him that early intervention is the best medicine. Reassure him that you'll be there by his side until he's healthy again. Tell him you love him. It's the best thing you can do for your children...the best thing you can do for him...and the best thing you can do for yourself. You wouldn't want the guilt hanging over you that you gave him second best after the fact...and all over some stupid toy or chair that will wind up in a garage sale pile 5 years from now.

People are precious. Even annoying ones. He is afterall the man who helped get you that home, gave you those children, and chose you to be there for him in sickness and in health. Keep up your end of the baragain and get him the help he needs and stop worrying about a lot of nothing and focus on what matters.

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It sounds like he's one of those husbands that has been put on the back burner...("It turns out that he is angry because I didn't ask him how things went last week when he went to the cardiologist.") That doesnt sound very good.
Umm, you are angry and probably rightfully so to a certain extent.... If you don't get your way you shut down, he thinks you nag when you want something done. It's obvious you guys arent on the same page. You want to fix the marriage and he probably wouldnt agree to go to counseling. Is money really tight? If it's not and you can Christmas shop without him then go for it. My husband hates the pressure of Christmas too because it seems like it's all about spending money. He doesnt freak out if I buy things during the year and send them to our kids or grandkids but he does care when it's Christmas for some reason. He hates the commercialism and always flips the channel when its Christmas related buying propaganda. Instead of asking for his opinion just do what you know your budget can handle. BUT right now he needs to be on the front burner with his medical problems and it sounds like he's really wanting your attention and affection in this matter.
You need to get it all that out in the open. I'm the one that sets up doc appts for my husband when he starts telling me somethings wrong... if I waited for him to do it he would probably just croak or have to be hauled out in an ambulance.... men are a tad crazy sometimes... all of em.
Try to set aside some time when the kids are not going to be a distraction and just talk to him, don't whine or nag, just give him a hug and talk to him. Tell him you know he's frustrated and worried and so are you....
I dont know how old your kids are, but sometimes if they are pretty young you can skip a traditional Christmas and they will never know the difference. It sounds like this could be one of those years. I also suggest that in the future you start a fund for Christmas so YOU know exactly how much you can spend without affecting your current budget. Most husbands don't like to fall further in credit card debt over some toys that end up tossed into a toy box after a couple of days or broken.
He is completely distracted right now with his medical condition OR he's using it to try and get some kind of attention from you. My ex used to always tell me he was dying..... that's a whole nother story, but men will do crazy stuff to get wifeys attention (and he is dead now). You guys shouldnt have to compete for attention. You two come first and the kids come second, if you don't do it like that your marriage becomes very vulnerable.
I'm sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he's pretty immature and you are about to throw in the towel.
If you can get some counseling somewhere you probably should. It's good to talk to someone with experience that can give you tools to help fix things or to make you strong enough to make changes if need be.

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My husband and I have been on the verge of divorce since we were married 5 years ago!

Read; "Forgive for Love" by Dr. Luskin and beg him to read it too. SAVED our lives.