Communicating with My College Freshman

I can feel your pain, I did that last year. The college my son went to had a GREAT recommendation. They said to send a card, and in the card write, "I hope you can find a way to use the gift card I've enclosed" or "have fun shopping with the Target gift card I've enclosed" or "Hope you enjoy dinner at (restaurant) with the gift card I've enclosed" BUT HERE IS THE CATCH - Don't include the gift card! That way, they'll have to call and say, "Mom, thanks for the card but the gift card wasn't in it!" - Hope this helps.

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I moved my son into his dorm last Saturday, too. However, I guess I am lucky in that he has called a couple of times and we've been in touch (briefly) by email and IM. I think my husband has called him several times to ask some question or another and I had to remind him to switch to email, since the classes started today and it would be less likely to come at an inopportune time.

My son had a pretty busy schedule (with work, friends, day trips, girlfriend) even before leaving for college, and whenever he was gone he was really good about just briefly checking in ("we arrived" "we're leaving now" "just wanted to say good night"...)

At the Parent Orientation they told us that once a week being in touch with our kid would be reasonable, that we need to give them space, they need to get adjusted and figure out their way around campus, get caught up and settled in, figure what activities are available for them and what they want to do, etc. While I am happy to hear from him before the week is up, I won't expect to have him call every day.

I agree with the facebook (or myspace) suggestions. I started doing facebook a while ago (and asked to be their friend), as that allowed me to have an idea who my sons are communicating with, what's going on, what their friends are up to, etc.
They are very likely to post some status updates for their friends frequently, which I will see, too. While those messages are not necessarily meant specifically for you, it will let you know that your kid is alive and doing well..

Never mind that I was surprised to see how many people I know are on facebook, and that I am enjoying it for myself now, to have a glimpse into the daily lives of relatives living far away, and friends from all over the country...

I plan to primarily be in touch by email, and call him myself only if there is something urgent going on, allowing him to call when he has the time and opportunity to do so. Soon he will be studying and I don't want to interrupt his focus by just calling to say Hi.
And I am sure your son would love to receive an old fashioned snail mail letter once in a while ;)
He may actually return the favor at times.

And once in a while we may be on-line at the same time on facebook and chat via IM, as happened last night for a brief exchange.

At theparent orientation at the university they had also a panel fo students who shared a bit about their freshman experiences. One gild said she could not wait for her parents to leave at move-in day, She was not in touch with them, she just wnated to focus on being a student and away fro home During fall break was her first visit home, and her parents just happened to live where she spent her nights, but she was only interested in seeing friends and catching up with them. The next time home was for Thanksgiving break, and all she was interested in was spending time with her parents and family! By that time she had realized that they were the only people who knew her really well, the good and the bad, who she had a history with, who she could be totally herself with... and since she has a good relationship with her parents, different than before, but good and on solid footing, with mutual respect for each other.
I think many students will go through a different metamorphosis, their timelines will vary, but they are growing up and into adults, and they and us as parents need to figure out how to relate to each other.

When you first left home - did you call all the time? Maybe you did, but then people have different personalities, too. And even if you did at the very beginning, chances are that those calls became a bit less frequent over time...

What to do? Breathe! LOL - and hang in there. Send him a letter or an occasional email.
Ask HIM what sounds reasonable to him for how often to check in with you and see if you can live with his suggestion. If he is allowed to set the pace he is more likely to follow through on it.

We shall get through this!

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My heart goes out to you. My son was a freshman last year. He did not call, text, email...nothing! It was horrible. I gave him his space. About once a week I would send him a short email telling him what was up with his brothers and sister and the rest of the family. Eventually he started sending me short little emails and telling me what was going on in his life. Then he started calling periodically. Just relax. He is having a lot happen in his life in a short period of time in college--new classes, new professors, new roommate, new environment. You will miss him more because you are at home without him. He will miss you less because he is in a new environment where you have never lived. When he comes home cook his favorite meals and send him back to college with a care package full of everything he needs. Mail him a card once in awhile with a short note and a gift card to Moe's Southwest Grill, Mellow Mushroom, or any of his other favorite restaurants. He has moved on to the next stage of his life. It is exciting for him, but the letting go is really tough for mothers!

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Give your son some space (tough, I know). Try calling him once a week at a set time and if you two have been used to communicating via other methods (texting, etc) then you might try texting 2x a week just to say hi.

I know different people have different opinions about these issues, but I think our main job as parents are to raise healthy and self-sufficient adults. My mom was perhaps a little more over protective when I was in HS (don't know why--I was a good kid), but I craved my space, so I rarely called when I went to college and I was even in the same town!!! Thankfully, mom gave me my space and our relationship is great now...I needed to come around myself.

Some parents will use the excuse that they worry if there child is OK/alive, etc., but don't play into that fear. Your son needs to grow into a man and you need to help him. Yes, he will do some really stupid things this year and you will not approve, but if you have done your job for the last 18 year, it will 'stick' and the real man will be on the other side of these couple of tough years!

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J., Try not to worry. It's only been a few days. When freshmen move in there are all kinds of activities going on to help them acclumate to the new life. I know this because last year my son went through this. If you really feel stronly about it, just call and say hello, how's it going. I also have a son on the road as a truck driver. I told him to call every few days and let me know that he was still alive and well, so he makes sure that he does.
My college son is involved in the BCM(Bapist Collegiate Ministries). They have lots of acitvies for everyone and offer free food. Chances are your son is just making new frineds.
I do feel for you.
terri

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Letting go is the hardest part. He will definetely call when he need $$, LOL. Does he do myspace or facebook pages on the computer? If he does then you might want to get your own page and then you can look him up and send him messages. If he you are online at the same time you can chat back and forth. He is probably learning his way around campus and meeting new friends, seeing old friends. You can text him and just inquire how he is or if he needs anything? Just be patient. After he does contact you maybe suggest that he call home at least once a week on a specific day if that works for you. God Bless and Good Luck!

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Shoot him an email. That's far from obtrusive. It can't interrupt him in the middle of anything. Just make sure not to send him a bunch of forwards or links the same day (or any day really), because it might end up in the trash. When he responds see if you can set up a time to video chat. It's better than the phone and you can schedule a time that's convenient for you both. :)

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The truth is that your son is most likely to respond to a text quickly. Just send him a text and tell him that you miss him and hope that he is doing well and finding his way around campus. Tell him to call you when he gets a few extra minutes. He will, especially if he needs MONEY!!

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I would want to communicate with him daily... whether he liked it or not. I'm the type of Mom that would just show up if I didn't get a text or a phone call.

Just my opinion.

I dread when it's time for my daughter (7th grade) and niece (Junior) to go to college. Hope all goes well for you and your son.

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I don't think you have to wait -- he may be waiting for you to initiate how you will stay in contact. I teach college students and many of them are used to hearing from their parents daily or at least every few days -- try to balance it with how much you talked before he left.

One thing I know my students don't like is when their parents call during class -- try to get his schedule and find a good time to call once classes start. And they don't like their parents always asking the same questions or calling "for no reason" so it might help to start with news from home rather than questions. Good luck!

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I understand how you feel. I've sent four away.

My mother says she waited for two weeks, but that was in the days before internet and cell phones. I wait about five days in between contacts. As other mothers have suggested, I think email is the best way to contact him. You can keep it light and unobtrusive, so he won't feel you're checking in on him (even though you are!). Share news from home, etc.

If you both belong to Facebook or another social networking site, you can chat with one another. I had some great conversations with my 19-year old last year on Facebook.

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No worries. You'll see him during fall break. Leave him alone. Your job with the day to day raising is done. Keep sending money and give him the space he needs to become his own man. Now is time to develop an exciting and productive new hobby.

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I remember my first week at college. lol!

I'd send him a letter telling him flat out (but in a loving tone) that while you know he needs some space and doesn't want you to hover, he needs to call and check in at least once per week, even if it's only for five minutes- and suggest a day for it. Add in there that if you haven't heard from him by the third day after the designated day that you will be forced to come visit in your new neon pink t-shirt that you'll have made with the picture of him being potty trained on it.

You might want to also suggest that he call before and after he takes any road trips over 150 miles, just to let you know so you won't worry about his roommate stealing his care packages while he's gone.

After all, if you can't get in touch with him, however will you know if he needs money?

lol!

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Decide for yourself what level of communication YOU really need. I would recommend no more than once or twice a week - less if you can.

Then if you are paying for anything of his (school, books, living expenses etc) then set up a system, "honey, I really need to hear from you once a week - some sort of update by email or phone. If it is text only, then I need to have a whole text conversation with you (not 'doin ok'). If you will do me the honor of staying in touch, I will do you the honor of leaving you alone." Explain that this is a reciprocal, respectful and mature arrangement and if he can't handle the maturity level, you can also bring the maturity level down by badgering him, his friends and teachers with communications inquiring about you. Keep it light hearted.

If he is paying for everything himself, then I suggest you be really nice to him so he'll feel like including you in his life.

Regardless, you will see and hear A LOT less of him and it's time for you to develop another interest.

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CALL HIM!!! Right now this very minute!!! Do not wait! He can get space later. YOU are his MOTHER- it is your right and place to (pretend to worry) and call him - He may think he has to be the BIG MAN and not call MOM. BUT you don't have to be big - if nothing else leave him a message - the sound of your voice (just like when he was younger) will comfort him and who knows he may even be glad you called!!!(LOL) T. :-)

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sending an email saying that you were just checkin in to make sure everything was ok wouldn't hurt.

My mother was so afraid that I would think she was butting in that she never called. She did email though so I could answer her when I hada chance. However, i really WANTED her to call so that I knew she missed me. I'm not a guy though :)

I don't think it would hurt just a quick email or call just to check in. I wouldn't expect a long drawn out conversation though because he's making new friends, fitting in and all that jazz.

Good luck! I know this can't be easy!

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CALL HIM!!! It is Weds and you want to be able to ask how he is doing? is he all settled? does he need anything you might have forgotten? has he signed up for any clubs, fraternities, etc Is he excited about starting next week? I would also ask him while on the phone, "I hope to talk to you at least once a week, is there a certain night you want to talk or can I just call you once a week? Make him understand that you love him, worry about him, but do not want to 'smother' him. :O)

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Well that is good advice. I will make t shirts right now!! hahaha
My son went almost three weeks without calling me while in A school for the Navy. I was starting to freak out, but he was fine. I did ask him to contact us once a week or so, just so I know he is still alive. He still doesn't. I think I'll take the t shirt to base and sit in the chow hall.
ONe of these days he'll get a girl that will call you, hand the phone to him and say "Honey, you just called your mom."

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Hi J.,

My sister-in-law has two kids in college - my niece is a rising sophomore and my nephew is a rising junior. She lives in Paris and the kids are in the US, so that creates challenges with the time difference and calling.

What my S-I-L does to keep up with the kids is through their Facebook accounts. She is an invited friend and has their password, something all parents should demand from their kids, I truly believe. After all, she paid for their computers and is paying their college bills. She doesn't fuss at them for content at this stage, though she did while they were still in high school. She did have "THE TALK" with them many times about not posting pictures of them drinking or acting stupid, or suggestive poses, or trash talking. Anything that a prospective employer might be turned off by seeing.

By monitoring their Facebook accounts, she has a sense of what's going on with her kids without asking them. And I think she does talk on the phone with them every other week when they can get their schedules together.

See if you can get that set up with your son.

Good luck!
D.

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We live in TN and have a son and daughter that live in TX. My daughter calls me WAY more than my son. I can call him and call him and call him and he will not pick up. I can email, text, you name it...it's a boy thing I think. I've gotten on to him many times, and it's getting better.

As far as getting in touch with your son in the dorm, I would think you could contact the dorm RA(Resident Assistant) and just tell them you've not heard from him, you know he's adjusting, etc. but you just need a quick HI MOM I'm fine call. Then just establish a specific day/time for him to call each week, say Sunday's at 7 just to check in.

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A little late to respond, but can you just have a frank discussion with him. I love you, I miss you. this is very hard for me, and it's something you won'treally get til you are a dad. I don't want to bug you or interfere, so how do you want to handle this? Find out good times to call (probably not Saturday early or Saturday late :) When I was in college, my parents called every Sunday afternoon. And my mom calle doccasionally or I called her at other times. This was before e-mail (ugh...) I would e-mail him as often as you want, and ask him to respond some minimum amoount so you know he is doing okay while not expectign a response to every message you send.

My daughter is starting kindergarten in two weeks. I am a wreck. I don't know how you are handling this. Good luck!!