Coming of Age for Learning Disabled Son

Unfortunately, he does need to be allowed to make some mistakes so that he can learn but....not ones that are going to change/wreck his life forever. Start out with small things and build trust. Have him run small errands for you and maybe have him set up a bank account (with you as the co-signer) and have him earn money at home by doing chores. If he makes mistakes, they will at least be small ones and it will give you an opportunity to teach him better ways of living. As he makes good choices, you will learn to trust him more and it will be easier to let go because you will know he has at least some basic skills in life. It also might not be a bad idea to get him some counseling or hooked up with a life coach who might better explain to him why he needs to be patient with you (and himself), as well as how to live with a learning disability as an adult.

Hope this helps!!

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I have the same problem. My son also had a terrible accident where people got injured and his car was totalled. He wouldn't listen to advice. He kept saying, "I need to make my own mistakes". And it's cost him. Now he is struggling to pay of debts on a small income, living at home. However, he is cooperative, and as hard as it is to watch him grow up, you just have to stick by them. Our culture teaches children to NOT grow up - but to stay children. As a result, their mistakes are much larger when they are first adults, than they used to be when I was in my 20's (30 years ago).

Watching this age group make their mistakes can be very painful for the parents.

Encourage him to get any job that he can get. Places like JC Penny, Staples, pizza place are hiring. Then when he gets a job if he can afford it, ask him to pay rent (it can be $100 per month) just to get used to being responsible. Mine pays for his own stuff, his own car, insurance, etc. If he has a learning disability, he should probably get a trade, instead of going for the academics. In Europe when people aren't good at academics, they are automatically funneled into a trade, which can be just as lucrative as a college education. Make sure he gets a trade that can give him an adequate income. Often the hands-on a trade gives you can bypass any learning disabilities you may have.

Since your son IS going to college, I would recommend to continue to support him. It's not like he's wasting his time.

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D., I have a mentally retarded sister who is 41 and lives on her own, she has the mentality of a 13yo on some things. She can drive and works very part time 8 hours a week at the local hospital where she lives. She gets SSI from Social Security and she wouldn't get any if she got a real job (which she mentally can't handle). I know she had to take a bunch of tests to be eligible but for her and my parents it was a godsend because it allows her to be out of the house and have her own money and they are still in the same town and can help her out. She also qualified for low-income housing so that is where she lives. I don't know what kind of disabilities your son has but you should look into that program on the Social Security website or visit an office. Maybe he can at least get the income without moving out and it might make him feel more independent. Good luck and pat yourself on the back, it takes a special kind of person to raise disabled children.

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You didn't say what his specific learning disability is, and as a teacher and person who has worked with those with disabilities in many contexts-- that could be a big factor.

I have seen people who have forced their disabled child to conform to an education system that truly did not meet their needs or abilities when they should have had them in life-skills based programs. On the other hand, I've seen parents blame every shortcoming/misbehavior/bad judgement of their child (and their parenting) on a diagnosis on a piece of paper that a psychologist or psychiatrist drafted. I've also seen many, many extraordinary parents who have worked through, around, and with the systems available to make sure that their child has their needs met to the best possible outcome.

You have to examine what you think your son is able to handle emotionally, financially, and legally. You also need to think about what others have mentioned--is it his disability that is in the way or the attitudes of you (family) and he about the disability?

If he does have some limitations that would qualify him for community resources, you can work with someone at his community college who specializes in placements. If he truly cannot handle the responsibility of driving, then perhaps a next best step is to use public transit.

Just the fact that you're reaching out to best help your son is a big sign of hope! I bet you will get lots of helpful advice here.

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I would negotiate with your son which things he can do own. Decide ahead with your husband which items you are willing to negotiate. If he messes up re-negotiate those items. Always be positive.
I do think he needs responsibility along with freedoms. And logical natural consequences if he messes up. You break it, you fix it.

I don't know what kind of learning disability he has, but if it severe enough, he may be eligible for social security to help him live on his own. On the other hand, if he does venture out this soon, chances are, he'll be back. They ALWAYS come back. Just support his changes. It's an exciting time for him to think about being an adult and making his own decisions. Even with a disability, it is best to let him mature and grow through his own mistakes. The more you help him, the less he will become a responsible adult. I know how hard it is to let go. I was never one to want to kick them out of the nest.

You don't say what your son's learning disability is, but if he is attending junior college, I assume that he finished high school. The only way for him to learn responsibility is to give him responsibility and suffer the consequences of his mistakes. I am concerned about how he got a car if he doesn't have a job. My son had to earn the money to buy his own car when he was old enough to drive so that he would appreciate what it took to get the car. The longer you keep him tied to your apron strings, the less likely that he will ever learn to make his own responsible decisions. Keep reinforcing the idea that he is responsible for what happens in his life and that you will support his right to make decisions. Also encourage him to discuss decisions with someone else before he acts.

if you live near a city where PAX workshops are available, a "Celebrating Men" workshop might alleviate some of your general teenage-boy concerns (for all three boys) ... they have a free 3 hour(?) introduction course to try to get you to go to the full weekend one (of course), but even the 3 hour one is full of good stuff, where they lay out all the things American women "know" about men but they put them into a picture that (get this:) *makes sense*(!).

Anyhow, not directly related to learning disabilities, but perhaps a different piece of the puzzle.

PAX is in (as I recall) Seattle, LA, Phoenix, and NYC ...

Hmmmm, It sounds like he is 19 and wants some freedom, well in my family we had freedom but it came with responsibilty....no responsibilty=no freedom. ?-Who pays for his car repairs, tickets, and insurance??? In my family we had a choice we could work and we were allowed to use the car but if we weren't working to provide insurance for ourselves, gas $$$, etc., then we weren't allowed a car. It is a LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE. Having a job teaches responsibility. It sounds like your son could use a little lesson in that. As he grows through the responsibilty he will start making better choices. As long as you coddle him and hold him close he is free to make tons of dumb decisions because his mom will take care of the mess that he makes. Start making him responsible for his own choices.

If you're not already receiving services from the department of developmental disabilities, get connected to them! There are lots of options for him having his freedom but not being in danger or putting anyone else in danger. This is the field I worked in pre-baby and a tenant support program is probably a good option to ask about.

Absolutely, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My son also had some learning difficulties, and puberty was the most challenging time. I used to call him my light switch child because I never knew what I was going to have day to day. Never give up, ever. My son is now 25 and he still does some pretty stupied things, yet once you realize that you can't teach common sense, you have won that battle. He is working now, but there were times when it was really tough. What has helped to get me through is remembering that his biological age is about 6 years diffierent than what he is experienced with. My hopes that are by the time he turns 30 he has a pretty good idea on what it takes. Keep the faith, sister. It will be well worth the journey.

K. D (single mother for the whole time)

D.,
I read you request and responses because I'm a mom of three boys and our middle child is different in his development. We don't know excatly where his path will lead, but we've know from very early on that something is well just different...(but all loveable). I sometimes wonder what it's going to be like when they are teenagers - I wish I could peek into a day in your life to get a heads up. Reading your words and their responses only makes me smile. It's easy to see the joy and humor in life from afar....just like everyone tells me "enjoy them while thier young!" (Are they crazy????) When did they ever "enjoy" taking their 4, 3 and 1.5 year old boys grocery shopping?

Lots of Love and Laughs
R.

My 19 year old brother in law is also learning disabled and having many of the same problems. He is currently living a a great group with other learning disabled boys his age. The home allows him some freedom, but he is also closely supervised. Their mentors are boys from the local college, so also gets good role models near his age. It has really helped him take on responsiblity and to learn better social skills.

He is not able to drive, so my husbands parents have not had to deal with those issues, and he is still working on completing his highschool diploma (hopefully this year!). Like one of the other comments suggested, he is on social security and gets a monthly check to use for his needs and wants.