College Choice

Hello L.,

I am a student advisor at a University and will offer you my perspective from that angle (as well as from being a mom and a former high school teacher).
If your daughter is a good enough student to get into the college you mentioned, she will not be happy at a community college. She will not feel challenged and will not be with her academic peers.
Going away and meeting new friends is hard. What I see from the students I advise, it makes a huge difference if they get involved in something right away. Some colleges have freshman orientation meetings during the summer before, or trips, etc., so that the new students can get to know each other. Also, have her look online at their student clubs and organizations, and have her pick two or three to check out as soon as school starts. Some schools also have something like freshman learning communities, meaning that a group of students take classes together, helping them get to know each other. Or maybe she can pick a dorm that is a "living community" based on some interest that the students share.
Another piece of advice: after she begins classes, have her go to the office hours of the favorite professor/instructor. It makes such a big difference to students if they know their professors. And the professors look more kindly upon students who seem interested in them and their classes.
As for career, there is no reason for a 17 year old to know what she wants to do. In fact, college should be a time to investigate everything. Business is not such a great major right now -- in this economy it is very difficult for business majors to find jobs. There are so many interesting liberal arts majors that can lead to wonderful jobs (I had one of those majors that everyone said, "what in the world will you do with that?" but ironically I've had several different careers, some related to the major and some not, and I've never been unemployed and have always been very marketable. My husband the marketing person has been unemployed on and off for two years). Her college's career center will have tons of resources for your daughter -- even as a freshman. And she can look into volunteer work and internships that will earn her college credit. So many choices!
Finally, can she do an overnight at the college soon? Most colleges have freshman host incoming students for a night, so they can see the dorm, cafeteria, go to classes and club meetings, etc.
Good luck!
B.

6 moms found this helpful

Sometimes the bird needs a PUSH out of the nest. Are you ready to push? She might be waiting for YOU to give her the go-ahead. I remember feeling the same way when I left my mom to go away to college. She was divorced and I was the last to go....

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She's 17 - it is completely fine for her not to have a real career choice yet. College is not 100% always about taking classes to fulfill career goals; it is also (for some) the opportunity to try living life as an independent young adult, making decisions on her own, learning to manage her own life while exploring courses/topics that may be of interest to her. Many undergrads matriculate with a general studies major, taking required courses and getting ideas of what career paths or courses of study that one may wish to pursue.

Have the two of you visited the college that is 3 hours away? Call the admissions office and set up an appointment to do so. Ask if it would be possible for a current student to host her overnight so she can get a feel for what it would be like in the dorms, to eat in the cafeteria, to see how life on a college campus as a young woman learning how to take care of herself can be. I think that would be a perfect first step to finding out whether or not this is a viable option.

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My husband still regrets not going to a good undergraduate school, and he feels a sense of inferiority compared to his co-workers that (mostly) went to good schools. He stayed home to be close to his mom, who had various illnesses and was dependent on him.

For me, going away to school was the best thing I could have done, it was a wonderful experience both academically, socially, and my growth as a person (I was 8 hours away by car, 1 hour flight). Career choice at this age is irrelevant, she hasn't been exposed to anything yet, how would she know what she wants to do. My friends that went to the local state school (who had better high school grades than me, and were just as smart) did not have the same career opportunities I had.
It may be hard at first but if she lives on campus she'll meet lots of people. Don't let her come home every weekend!

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From the little snippet you wrote I would say go away! Sounds like your little girl thinks it is her job to stay and take care of you since Dad is gone. Make it clear it is time for her to live her life and that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. Send her off........it's not that far.

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I would DEFINITELY say go away to a 4-year school. Community college is a decent option for students who CAN'T, for whatever reason (financial, family obligations, not accepted etc) go directly to a four year school, but all things being equal, I think it's best to go to a four year school and stay there.

By going to a 4-year school, she'll get to experience "campus life" in a way she'll miss out on if she does 2 years at a community college (upper classmen don't really live on campus in the same large numbers are freshmen so the scene changes by he time you're a junior). Also, although the content of individual courses may be the same at a university and community college, the student body and teaching staff or necessarily different which changes the class dynamic as well as the style of instruction and resources available (community college cannot compete with major university for library, labs, facilities etc.).

On a personal note, I would add that when I applied to graduate school in the fall of my senior year, my three letters of recommendation (a very heavily weighted piece of a grad school application) the dean of my college (not the whole university just my particular school) whom I first met as a freshman and two professors I had as a sophomore and worked with subsequently. If I had been a community college transfer I would have only known any of my professors for a semester or two before I would have needed them to write letters on my behalf.

Whatever choice she makes will be a fine one, I'm sure. I just wanted to offer my prospective.

Hope this helps,
T.

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I can relate with you I have two girls that have graduated High School and were accepted at out of town schools... they were afraid to go away and have decided to stay home and go to college here in the city. Now they hear their friends talk about how wonderful it is being away and the independence that they have and are now regretting their decision to stay home. Now they're both planning on getting their Associates here then transfer to a school away but not too far away that they can't come home to visit. I encouraged them to go away telling them that it was a wonderful expeience, and now they see that I was right. So the only advice I can give you is to keep encouraging her to try this new experince and let her know that she has the option after her first semeters to transfer to a school closer to home if she doesn't like it and that she can always come homefor visits.3 hours is not as far as 5 1/2 hours. The fact that she doesn't have a career choice is okay after the first semester it will come to her. That was the same with my youngest and now she knows what she wants to do.It will be hard for both of you but do not let your fears get in the way, that was our mistake. By the way my ex husband was no help either : ) good luck and hope eveerything goes well for both of you.

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3 hours is nothing! You could get up at 6am (most older people have no problem getting up early-no offense, you know what I mean, I hope) and be there by 9am. Just in time to take a weary college student out to breakfast! Sounds fabulous to me!

Even though it might not be true (for you) I would tell her to go, and that you will be fine! A new life adventure for you both...I would go with all the excitement and make it a great adventure for her...she is probably waiting for you to say just that! I agree a tour of the college would be excellent, than you both can see that 3 hours is not that far away!!

~I have always been an easy early riser and have found that the older you get the easier it is to get up early...hope I didn't offend anyone with my ageist remark. That didn't come out the way i had hoped, but couldn't think of a way to say it nicely?~

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y suggestion for at least the first year is to go with a community college if she doesn't really know what she wants to do. It is a great way to get the gen ed stuff out of the way without paying a huge amount of money. If she has indicated she is not ready to leave home then don't make her. it makes for a really hard college choice. now having said that if she is only staying home cause she thinks you need her thats a totally different thing. maybe go and see the school college councelor. good luck

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you insist she goes to the better college. tell her that is what would make you the happiest. three hours isn't that far away.

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My daughter was the same way and still is, she is now 27 and is still my best friend. She went to college an hour away and came home every weekend to work, plus we talked everyday. She was accepted into a college near Niagra Falls and turned it down. Looking back I wish she had gone only because I think it would have done her some good to be on her own. I also wish I had made her stay up at school, coming home only to do laundry, a visit, etc. Now all her friends moved away and it is hard connecting with people her own age but she is. My suggestion is let your daughter do what she wants but do your own thing while she is in college and start letting the string get longer and longer. She will always be your daughter and you both will always be there for one another, but like us you both need your own lives too. By the way which colleges did she get into? Becky went to the University of Hartford, great school, I highly recommend it. My son went there too and loved it; he wants go get his masters there as well.
Hugs,
T.

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I agree that she should be given the push to go away. I went 3 hours away and could really see a difference between my experience and that of my best friend who stayed home. And she now at 42 STILL regrets that she didn't go away too. As everyone said, it is close enough that it is easy to drive home for the weekend, but it truly gives your daughter an entirely different experience to go. And if she has to pick a major (my university wouldn't let you be "undecided") that's okay because many, many people change at least once while they are there. Good luck!

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Encourage her to go away she can always transfer next sumester if she is
not happy (what about tuttion if you can afford it). I have a 17 son he never wanted to go away so he is going to a local private college. I am a widow
and wish he would go away hope he has no regrets but so happy at home
We all need to let go.

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It is all about a good college. She should go away and take business as a major- finance/accounting. You will have so much fun visiting her! It is good for her development.

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I have baby babies, so you can take my advice with that grain of salt. But if I were you, I would tell her to go go go!! Girls are born predisposed to giving up everything for others and it is not a healthy habit to get into. Learning to balance your owns needs and the needs of others is an important lesson.
I never wavered about where to go to college (my choice was 1000 miles away from home), but my mother did get very sick while I was in school. My last year she passed and when she was on her deathbed she made explicit instructions that I was to finish school and my older brother who had already graduated would be called upon to help out more.
My parents also were divorced and it was just myself and my mom at home for several years. We were best friends and not a day goes by (maybe not even an hour) that I don't think of her or miss her. and it has been over ten years now. She gave up a career and freedom for her kids and after the divorce she worked hard to regain those things. I know she did not want me to be in the situation of having to rely on anyone for financial stability. This is especially important for young women to understand.
according to my own experience, 3 hours is nothing. She can get a car and come home every weekend if she likes, she could even structure her classes to have mondays or fridays off so she can help out at home more often. And she can always decide after a time that she doesn't like it and make her own decision. But i think you should really encourage it.

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She really needs time to concentrate on exploring options of what she wants to do with her life. 3hrs. aways isn't that far from home and some occupations only need an associates degree rather than a B.S. The biggest problem is that she is unsure of what she wants. You can go to a 4 yr. college, but it can wind up be 6 years or a waste of time if they don't have your major. Career decision is not a race and college isn't a place to use as an expensive play ground. Have her go online to the Occupational Outlook Handbook at http://www.bls.gov/oco/ It lists all kinds of careers, what experience and eduation is required for careers, how much people make in those careers, and what careers are predicted to be in high demand in the future. Also, have her take career assessment tests to help find out where her interests are. Knowing what you want to do with your life will determine, which college you really need to go to.

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Encourage her to go away, please. My mom encouraged me to go away (about 4 hours) and had done the same thing when she went to college...but she still cried when I left for school. You learn so much being away and independent.

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tell her to follow her gut period any thing else would be a mistake. My son didn't want to leave me either till he found out a college town has alot of girls that would be single and his age. Then I couldn't have begged enough for him to come home. I would suggest basics at the community college and give her time to cut the apron strings. If you can afford to stay on campus give her a cell phone and home on the weekends.
My son was fine as long as he could come home on weekends. This lasted for a while then quit then I hardly heard from him because he was to busy being a kid to call unless he needed me. or was mad and needed to talk. Hope this helped

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I think it would be best for both of you to move on! If she is struggling with a career choice she should look into some kind of nursing there are soo many choices with that there is also the management side of it too. If the community colleges are close( same town) then maybe she just start out slow and still live at home! OR the college that is 3 hrs away isn't that far either she could live on campus and come home on the weekends to visit! You can plan out weekends so she sees you and her friends that are still around! Please keep encouraging her to go! I am 34 and just now going back and I am scared to death! I also (for the past 11yrs) lived far away from my family and I know its tough but you both can do it! It also might be too much for her(or even you) BUT the military is also a good thing these days! Not all of them get deployed.., US Coast Guard is great! she could start as a cook and get a cash bonus! maybe you could look into it!
With whatever you both choose--GOOD LUCK and may God Bless you both!

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I went to a community college simply because I didn't want to leave my mom either. It's cheaper (a whole lot cheaper), but now looking back, I wish I had gone away. It's scary, but you just have to encourage her. Did you go and visit some schools with her? That may help. If you are worried, you can't show her you are (or she'll feed off that and stay put).

Good luck and congratulations!

~C.

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FYI, most Liberal Arts colleges no longer ask students to declare their majors till the end of their Sophomore years. They will even extend it to the first semester of their Junior years with special exceptions.. This should never be something they will ever have to worry again.

Unless you were extremely ill, I would let her know you will be just fine. Let her know that it will be fine if she wants to stay, but this is a great opportunity and it is what she has been working for to go to college. She will love the college experience and the transition is easiest as a freshman, cause "everybody is in the same boat"..

She is only going to be 3 hours away, so if she needs you or you need her it is going to be easy to get to each other.

Thank goodness for cell phones and the internet.. we are able to keep up with our daughter, she is at college up North and we always feel like we can get a hold of her at any moment if needed.

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Going to college... any college, will be good for anyone.
If she is not able to figure out what she wants to major in or study... then don't force it. Some kids need time. But main thing is that she go to college.... even if it is the community college.

To me, the issue is she doesn't know what to do as a career or what to major in. She will not know, until she realizes that herself. Not just to please everyone.
When I was that age, I didn't know what to major in. And, I was a terrible student as a result. Not because of my inability, but because I just didn't know what to major in. So, for that time, college costs were like a waste... and my grades weren't great. But I stayed in college. It is beneficial for maturity and in life lessons, not just academic.
Once I decided what to major in. I got straight A's. And I excelled. But I liked being away from home, in college.

She is only 17. Its not easy to plan and know what your life will be.
Perhaps a college academic counselor can help guide her.
But make sure, you tell her she needs to attend college. Even if that means a Jr. College..
She seems to need help in directing her, helping her to evaluate herself and her talents and likes/dislikes and interests.
Don't just make this about having her leave... she is just having a hard time figuring out life.. and it is overwhelming for her.
Be her rudder....

All the best,
Susan

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My youngest daughter started out at a college 5 hours away and it was horrible for both of us. She transfered to one that was only 2.5 hours away and it worked great - she could come home if she wanted to and I could go see her. After a year and a half there she was secure enough to transfer across the country to California (UC Davis - her dream college). She is doing great out there and we communicate regularly - although she lost her cell phone, yet again, so thank goodness for facebook.

Encourage your daughter to go to the one that is 3 hours away - if she is a good student she will do better there and will have more interaction with kids her age that are just as confused as she is. Community college has its place - my daughter has done both - but being in the university atmosphere is so different than community college. If she has been accepted I would encourage her to go.

I'm in the 4-yr college boat. I agree with what Beth C. said about not finding her academic peers at a Community College. One way to let her discover that is to see if there are any summer courses she can take. I teach highschool students, and many of them get some of their requirements out of the way by taking classes at our local community college. Every single one of them has commented that it's "just like highschool" if not even a little easier (due to the less-structured atmosphere), and they all saw it as a very easy option. Being that your daughter is currently undecided on a major, the greatest thing she can do is go to a school which is well-rounded - get herself "liberally educated" and find out where her interests and passions lie. You can do it, Mama! Three hours is really not bad. My oldest is almost 2 hours away, and we visit her and she visits us. Close enough for being there when she needs it, but far enough to discourage her from hiding out at home.

Does not sound like she is ready to leave yet. I would start with the
community college. Let her get the required liberal art courses. She
should then have some idea what she wants to do. Then she can go
away. Nothing is in stone. If she does not like community college,
she can then transfer to another the following year. Right now she is
only 17. Cut her some slack.

My 17 yr old daughter will be attending college about 7 hours away - clear across the state. Is it scary - yep - but she needs to be there. Encourage her to follow her dreams - you will be just fine! that's what i am doing. as my baby - we just have to adjust. She will be going over seas as part of her college in a year or so - so it will be another adjustment. Pray with her, but most importantly believe in her - she can do it!

I totally understand how you feel. My daughter is a freshman in college and it was very hard for me to let her go to school. She wanted to go far away to school, we compromised on a Jr. college that is only an 1 1/2 from home. She has her freedom and we get to see each other often. She lives in the dorm and it is cheaper even with the dorm expense than a 4 year college.
Good Luck with your transistion. I won't lie to you I cried all the way home when I left her after moving her in.

The drop-out rate in community colleges is significantly higher than 4 year universities.

First, 3 hours away is nothing. That's like your backyard when it comes to going to college. Second, if she has been accepted into a decent 4-yr college, I cannot stress enough how much better it would be for her to attend the 4-yr, rather than 2-yr program. It is much harder to later transfer from a community college into a good 4-yr program unless the student does extremely well at the community college level. And of course she doesn't know her career choice. That's often what college is for -- take a variety of coursework (related to what she's generally interested in or maybe just talk to different people/friends about their careers and see if anything sounds good to her). I know it is hard for your daughter to understand this now, but this is the easy time of her life. Life and its responsibilities only get harder as we get older.

If she doesn't know what she wants to do how about her going to the local community college for a semester or 2. That way she can take the college basics and a wide range of classes. It gives her a chance to see what she likes and you both time to "cut the apron strings". It also is a huge financial savings! A.

I lived at home and went to community college to save money the first two years. The college was way cheaper, and I didn't have a ton of bills by living at home. I lived VERY independently even though I was at home, and signed up for my college classes and paid for them by myself. Even though my parents didn't run my life, they were still influential and I loved the stability of living at home when I saw some people being crazy on their own. My parents are not controlling and very loving and it just worked out very well for me. I still had a social life. The main reason I stayed home was to save money, and I graduated college debt-free, which was very important to me.

I got married young, so I went from living at home to living with my husband. I think it would have been nice to have lived on my own a bit before marriage mostly for the experience, but it didn't cause problems. I shared a room with my sister my whole life and it was easy adjusting to sharing things with my husband. I just missed out on some of the fun college memories that some people have, but I have very little college regrets as well.