Co-Workers Bash Children, Parenting, Pregnancy, Etc...

Updated on March 11, 2008
J.P. asks from Denver, CO
7 answers

I have been in my current position for 1 1/2 years and ever since I joined this team, my co-workers continually make negative comments about children, parenting, pregnancy, maternity leave, etc... Of course the people who do this do not have children, are either single or married without children.

Can anyone lend some advice on how to deal with these comments, I am considering contacting my HR department to double check on if these comments fall into creating a hostile work environment.

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L.H.

answers from Denver on

I would discuss this with your HR contact. These kinds of negative comments can be considered hostile and/or discriminatory - especially if they are directed toward you. Your HR contact should be able to help judge the situation and help you find a way to handle the situation with your coworkers.

Coworkers that don't have kids often think policies that allow for maternity leave and time off for dealing with family illnesses are unfair. They think of them as benefits that they don't get to enjoy. They often end up taking it out on their coworkers even though you have nothing to do with creating the policies.

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A.O.

answers from Denver on

J.,
People sometimes speak without thinking. I have had negative comments in the office before (previous job) and I got tired of it. Just confront them and respectfully address the issue. "I don't like your comment because I'm a Mom; and it is a blessing for me to be one". These people open their mouth because there is no one putting things where they belong. If after confronting them, they keep doing it; then you should address it to HR. Stand up for your beliefs. They are just dumb or they don't think it bothers someone. Since I assume you have not spoken, they have also assumed that this doesn't bother you.
Good luck and be brave! There's nothing worse than letting people put you down. Then you can get mad at yourself for letting it happen.

A.

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A.T.

answers from Denver on

I absolutely agree that letting the people who are saying offensive things know that their words are hurtful is a good first step. I suggest speaking to each person individually and privately, in that way, the other person will not feel publicly humiliated (even though they may have done that to you). Also, the other person will feel less need to defend their offensive speech.

If that doesn't work, I'd talk to the team leader. Let him/her know how the team's words are are affecting you.

If that doesn't work either, THEN go to HR. A hostile environment will indeed have been created and they have the muscle to make the cultural change necessary.

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H.K.

answers from Denver on

I have no clue if this will work, but I would come back with positive statements about my child and motherhood. I kind of have the same situation-boss with grown children and one who chose not to have any. It's hard to relate to them and uncomfortable talking about kids because you don't know if they'll understand or scoff at you. But, for your sake, I would say positive things about your child, your plans to have more, married life (at least some can relate to that) to at least give yourself positive feedback! And, even people who don't have kids can appreciate the darndest things they say and do. That will make your children more real to them. Is it possible for your children to meet your coworkers at a company event?

Definitely check with your HR Dept. on the hostile work environment though. The above advice was to keep you sane in the meantime. I don't think these people intend to hurt your feelings, but they need to be made aware that they are. Even if it doesn't constitute a hostile environment, it is making you dread going to work.

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D.K.

answers from Denver on

First just say "well that is something that is an opinion and you are entitled however I love my kids and my family and would appreciate you keeping those kind of comments to yourself"
People like that are probably lonely, sad and want a family so it is better to just complain and be negative.
It is always good to ask those people "and you know this how??" Meaning how can they comment on something they aren't even experiencing. If it wasn't about parenting or the other subjects they would find something else to complain about...put it off on them and try not to take it personally. Feel sorry for them.

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J.S.

answers from Boise on

That is really too bad. Have you tried speaking up about it? I usually try to just say something to the offending people first, since the last thing you want is to make your group feel like you will always run to HR. Just remain composed and only do it at a time when you are not feeling angry or resentful. Tell them that their negative comments are affecting how you feel, even if they are not directed at you, and that you value your work relationships and don't want petty banter to get in the way of that. I've tried this approach with other issues and had good outcomes. I would get an instant apology and it would be obvious the person had no idea how it was affecting me. The behavior would stop. Just pad your complaint with positive comments about your group and avoid sounding too accusatory. In the end, you may even end up with a bit more respect from your co-workers.
I think sometimes when HR steps in the group becomes overly sensitive and then people lose all sense of humor or sense of free speech, which we all know is essential for getting through a workday! Unless you work with some extraordinarily insensitive people, I doubt they know the extent to which these comments bother you. Even if they believe what they are saying, they would probably never say these things if they knew. They will at least wait until you are on maternity leave someday to make more comments, and then who cares?! ;)
Good luck!

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A.A.

answers from Denver on

tell them that your a mom and married and that they shouldn't think so lowly of it because it takes a lot of work and yet your doing it and working. If being a nurturer and a money maker doesn't make them stop talking then, they are very disrespectful people who are very negative and do nothing but bring you down. Not worth hanging out with. Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen.

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