Co-sleeping with a 5 1/2 Yr Old

Yup...here's my suggestion. Back off. That boy is more comfortable sleeping with his dad when he comes over to his DAD'S house who lives with his GIRLFRIEND. While I certainly wouldn't co-sleep with a Kindergartener and you obviously wouldn't that doesn't make it wrong...it makes it different than what you would do. And who are you to say what's right and wrong? My friend and her husband have a family bed. Their 6 year old and 8 year old, both boys, still sleep with them every night. I guess that on the days the boy is coming over to his dad's house you will have to get out of bed and let the boy sleep where he is most comfortable. With his dad. When he and dad are ready to change the arrangements, then it will be very very slowly. Bed on the side of the bed on the floor, bed at the foot of the bed, bed at the doorway and then bed in his own room. Those 4 steps will probably take a couple of months.
I would be PISSED if a judge told me that I couldn't do something with my OWN child just because they "think" it's an issue. I would bring in experts to debunk that. The judge doesn't know what he is talking about. He just thinks it's an issue because it's HIS issue.
L.

14 moms found this helpful

I understand you think this is not normal behavior, but to those who co-sleep, it is completely normal. The practice spans across ages, genders, race, economic status, etc.

I get that it is disruptive to your household, but he is a child and respect is due to the woman who is raising him. If he spends more time with his mother, which I'm guessing is the case and you want to be supportive of your boyfriends relationship with his son, an adjustment needs to be made by you.

Regardless of what a judge decreed (which makes me furious, BTW) this is an issue that unfortunately has nothing to do with YOU and if you want to be helpful, you'll be understanding of the boy.

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Okay....no offense. Honestly. I swear.
But, knowing that the boy has issues with sleeping, it might be more than just not being able to sleep with his dad. Or mom.
I'm not a prude, but I don't know why, under the circumstances, he would spend the night at your house when he has his son.
You think it's inappropriate that the mother still sleeps with a 5-1/2 year old. The mom might think it's inappropriate for father to be having the boy sleep at his girlfriend's house.
Everyone does things their own way, but I've been a divorced single mom for a long time. I have never had a man spend the night in my house with my kids there.
My divorce was bitter and it was ugly. It was pretty traumatic for my kids.
I've let my kids sleep with me plenty of times and it was never a problem because they were also perfectly happy in their own beds as well from the time they were infants. My kids could literally sleep anywhere.
In other words, they weren't dependent on me for sleeping.
The only downside I see to co-sleeping is that it can be a hard habit to break and in my opinion, the longer it goes on, the harder it can be.
I just don't know if you should be so quick to point fingers about what the mother does.
If you care about your boyfriend and his little boy, and I'm sure you do, then, to avoid him associating stress or unpleasantness with you, your daughter and your house, maybe your boyfriend should take a break from spending the night at your house with his son.
Again, no offense, but I'd feel pretty foolish complaining to a judge that my son was still sleeping in his dad's bed if I was sleeping at another man's house in front of my son and expecting my son to like it.
Is there such a thing as a lesser of two evils in that case?
If you think the mom is wrong, that's fine.
But, ask yourself if it's possible that you and your boyfriend are wronger.
You know he's not handling this well and if his mom truly is doing things that are inappropriate, then you and your boyfriend should cut him some slack.
Divorce and blending families is not easy on kids.
Spending the night at your house might not upset him because he isn't sleeping with his dad, it could be the fact he knows that YOU are.
In California, they have Children of Divorce workshops. See if you can enroll in one with your boyfriend.
If there is any future for you, you're going to have to see things from the kid's point of view in order to make anything better. Regardless of what his own mother does.

Just my opinion.

10 moms found this helpful

i can give you some perspective from the child's viewpoint. My parents separated when I was 6, when I was still sleeping in their bed 90% of the time. I was just a very needy sleeper as a child--I remember still climbing into my moms bed when I was 12 once in a while, i just got scared at night by myself even though i had siblings in the same room as me. I just wanted to be with my safe, protecting parents. My dads girlfriend moved in with us (us 5 kids and my dad) about one week after my mom moved in with her parents, and she kicked me out of the bed and punished me for trying to sleep by my dad when I was very scared and confused about the security of my family. It was horrible and the feelings are still raw 20 years later. Please let your boyfriend and his mom deal with it and stay out of it--it is not your place to say where the boy should sleep because he is going through a LOT for a 5 year old right now. I'm sorry if this comes across as rude, but i've been where that little boy is. And it was horrible.

*added* where is he expected to sleep at your house?

9 moms found this helpful

Please give the kid a break. My oldest has been in a stable home with her father and I since birth yet has always been a needy sleeper. Her younger sister isn't. Kids are different. And guess what - our daughter slept with us a lot at age 5 and even 6. Gasp! My friend getting a divorce has her 5.5 year old daughter typically sleep with her. It's about security. If you don't think anything inappropriate is going on but just think it's wrong, don't be so sure. I agree it's not optimal but my oldest is smart, very social and a normal kid etc who just gets scared at night. I didn't like it bc it kept me up! Let his son ease into it at your house. None of this is his fault.

8 moms found this helpful

I am fine with the cosleeping--not so fine with YOU in dad's bed. Talk about stress. Sorry but this little guy has enough to deal with.

8 moms found this helpful

I suggest not causing the boy more anxiety than he already has to deal with: his dad's girlfriend! This is difficult on him much more than you, so show some love, will you! Geeez... He's 5, not 15! By the way, if you want to marry your boyfriend, you should try to be more sympathetic to his ex since your man had a child and the mom will always be in his son's life! Oh, and the single mom could be you one day!

6 moms found this helpful

He only sees his dad every other week? Every two weeks? It seem natural that he would want to bond, and be close and not want to share his dad with a women he doesn't really know (you!). The fact that he wants to snuggle with his dad at 5 1/2 -- seems perfectly understandable for a child whose home has been fractured. It seems far more challenging and (for him) bizarre to ask that he get used to the fact that his father is snuggling in bed with someone other than his mom. I wouldn't subject him to that, and would not have sleepovers during the time his dad has custody. Don't think its good to subject your daughter to your boyfriends sleepovers either. If this relationship ends (sorry but it can happen) -- what are you saying to your kids? That mom/dad will have a series of people in their bedrooms? That marriage isn't something sacred and to be cherished and honored? I think you should not be subjected either of your children to your relationship as far as sleepovers go -- unless you're engaged (and determined to be married). And it's acknowledged and understood by all.

Otherwise you are sending messages to your children that are not positive . And I'm amazed that a judge would order a mother not to sleep with her kindergarten age son -- but not get involved in restricting sleepovers with parent's boyfriends and girlfriends.

5 moms found this helpful

Alright I am trying not to judge but here is my opinion, straight up~

Still sleeping with mom at age 5, kinda weird but I don't see much wrong with it. It it's just the two of them all the time and mom has a big bed, I get it. The kid will grow out of it and want some space eventually.

I see more of a problem with two people who each have a small child dating and trying to have sleepovers and late nights with their children in the mix. I guess I don't have all the facts (how long you've been together, how comfortable the kids are with their parent's bf/gf) but you are not married and your date nights should probably be ending at a reasonable hour so the children can go home to sleep in their own beds. Whether that means his own bed at dad's house or in dad's bed with him is dad's business. Bottom line, I think for most single parents, their child's welfare comes before the personal needs of staying up late with the boyfriend. Once you two are married or living together it obviously is a little different. But in the meantime, if you are each maintaining separate households, let these kids go home to sleep in their own beds with their normal preferred routine. They are little guys y'know. A 5 year old shouldn't have to sleep over at someone elses house on his weekend visits with dad.

4 moms found this helpful

This is normal behavior because sleeping with his mom is the norm. Many families sleep together in the same bed. So it's no normal for you but it is for this little boy and his mom and his Dad. I'm guessing when he sleeps over at his Dad's he sleeps with him. (or do you live together?)

This little boy needs the consistency of sleeping with his Dad for now. His Dad could begin weaning him from doing this. One way is to have him sleep on a pallet in the adult's room and then gradually move the pallet until it's in another room. Talk about what is happening as you do this. Slowly teach him that a big boy sleeps in his own bed at your house.

How long has the boy been a part of your relationship with his father? If this is new he no doubt feels insecure because he doesn't understand what is happening. He may be confused about why his Daddy sleeps with you and he sleeps with his mother.

Unless the relationship is of long standing and expected to be long term, I suggest that sleeping together (you and boyfriend) when kids are around is not a good idea. The adult becomes a parent role model and when they leave the child is more devastated than if the relationship was more casual in front of the children.

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I am not a fan of co-sleeping...just from the standpoint of "why would you want your kid in bed with you while you're having sex"? LOL!

But honestly, as a daycare provider, children who co-sleep have an outrageously difficult time sleeping independently when in childcare. It's great for SAHMs, but truly emotionally debilitating for the kids when away from the parents. & it's the kids who pay the price, not the parents.

It doesn't matter whether the child is 6 weeks, 6 months, or a toddler..... naptime at the daycare is a nightmare for most kids who co-sleep. I know this statement offends a lot of parents....& I do not apologize. I am simply reporting 1sthand what experiences I've been thru with working with kids for the past 25 years.

Now to move on to your request for suggestions: get the legal system to follow thru on the judge's verdict. This situation is creating stress for the child & he is the one paying the price. Fast forward this situation to pre-teen years: does he really belong in mom's bed then? I am hoping the judge will recommend counseling for the entire family. Peace.

2 moms found this helpful

This is hard. On one hand I agree that the mom has created a very bad situation here. He needs to keep working with the courts to correct it. Until then, you want to try to limit trauma to the boy. Could you put his bed in your room so he can be close but not actually in bed with you? I would also consider getting the child a therapist.

2 moms found this helpful

When my husband is out of town working 24 days a month BOTH my girls sleep with me. My oldest is 8 my youngest almost 3. They both could sleep by themselves and let me sleep alone, but i really dont care or mind. When my husband is in town my 8 year old is in her own room no problem.

What is everyone's big hang-up with co-sleeping?.seriously, sleeping next to ones own kid is as natural as gravity.

2 moms found this helpful

As hard as it is, for now let him still sleep with his dad. The parents need to decide together when this will stop, and since it is causing him anxiety you want to make visits to your house as pleasant as possible. This is a tough situation.

What if your boyfriend slept on the floor in his room until he fell asleep? Or slept in the son's bed? Maybe try some way to get him in his room with dad, then slowly pull away.

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Well, sleeping in the same bed with a kindergartner every night is NOT normal to me. It's weird. The parent should not be so dependent on having the child close, and the child should have some semblance of independence. It creeps me out. I think it's gross.

With that said, you aren't the mother. You are not even a stepmother. You are a girlfriend. You have no legal right. You are playing house. If it bothers your boyfriend, he needs to take it up with the custody judge. She is not honoring the agreement, and it can be brought to his attention. Other then that, YOU can't do anything...other then support whatever action your boyfriend decides to take.

1 mom found this helpful

M., I read your SWH and looked at some of the posts. Funny how you are called judgmental - she is certainly plenty judgmental herself.

Some parents who want to get a child out of their bed put a mattress on the floor right beside their bed. There are blow-up mattresses that you plug into the wall and they blow up quickly and easily. A mattress beside the bed helps to separate without as much stress as putting the child in another room.

Dad can sleep right "over" his son, where he can reach down and touch him.

If this situation with his mom, who doesn't even have a bed for her son (that's very telling, to be honest) doesn't change in the next year or two, this child may very well need therapy. It really sounds like the mother is substituting an adult need for closeness with this child. And that's unhealthy all the way around.

Good luck in navigating this.
D.

Get him a special small bed that is his. Place it at the foot of your bed at first and later on move him in with your daughter so that he isn't sleeping alone at night.
I cannot figure out what you can do other than encourage him to grow up.
For anxiety I would take him to a homeopath for a remedy.

After my divorce my younger two would sneak in and sleep in my bed because they just didn't want to be alone. I was always too tired to deal with it. My ex on the other hand let them sleep in his bed because he was too cheap to buy them their own beds. Mind you the man makes six figures, just saying!

When Troy moved in with us it couldn't continue. My ex would have flipped a nut even though it continues at his house. So we put out foot down. Yeah they went through all the usual complaints. I am choosing Troy over them (their father put that one in their heads he likes to drive people away from me), they get to do it at dads (I explained that one to them), you don't love us (again dad), blah blah blah.

They fought it for a couple weeks and then really didn't care.

My older daughter came home from college and bought her little sister a bed for at dads. Yelled at her dad a bit....

Thing is though, make sure he has his own bed, his own space. Make a big deal about him picking out his bedding and such. That was what made it so easy for us, they had their own space. If the boy doesn't have his own room or at least his own bed then what you are doing is wrong. You are basically kicking him out of his comfort zone and not providing a new one.