Clingy One Year Old

I have a hunch she has a fear of abandonment. Could be a past life thing (if you believe in that) that is causing it. I have done hypnosis on people to go into past lives and they find out something about themselves that they then are able to let go of by just going there. Then their lives start to change because there is no longer a "charge" on it. Just my take.

Hi,

I have a 14 mo old who is much more clingy than my son ever was. I noticed it got more intense over the last couple of months on and off. I think it is teething. I think she is getting her incisers (very slowly) and it is uncomfortable.

Do you wear her? I notice that if I put my daughter on my back in a sling or wrap she just gets quiet and I can get some stuff done. Since she is very used to the carriers I use, my babysitters and husband can do it too. It is very nice. Otherwise, she'd just cry anytime I left her.

I'm curious how it is going now.

Do you leave her without saying goodbye or giving warnings? My experience as a childcare provider for this age and now a parent is that the separation anxiety is intense but it only gets worse when parents leave without warning. The kids start getting anxious all the time wondering if and when the parent will leave. Then while you're gone they are stressed out. Try LOTS of warnings and even countdowns. Then leave when you say you will and do it only once. Don't go back in, pick her up again, etc. You will probably need some help from someone else. Maybe a weekend of intense work on it. It sounds really hard! I'm feeling the intensity of my daughter's attachment right now too although not as bad as your situation. She is 16 months. I hope you find some relief soon.

My best advice if this is something you are going to try to just ride out is, like others have said, leave for short periods of time at first and gradually make them longer. Always tell her when you are going to leave, then tell her when you are leaving and when you will be back so that she knows (even if you think she doesn't understand or have a concept of time, it tells her 1) you are going to go, 2) you are going 3) you are coming back at this time). Always return when you say you will, and when you go, make sure it is out of the house, away from her and where you can hear or see her. Make sure to leave her with your husband or someone else you trust and she knows very well. Have them read to her, sing to her, play games, focus on her while you are gone. Some kids get the idea, especially if they are clingy and prefer a certain parent, that that is the only person who knows how to care from them. Getting away where you can not see or hear each other, for you each to focus on something else may help (or at least reduce your stress level). That will especially help her learn that if mom isn't around, that dad is perfectly capable also. Good luck to you.

omg This sounds just like my almost 3 year old boy, Jessan. The only good news I have for you is that it's gotten less over time. As his confidence grows, his desire for me seems to lessen, somewhat. The best thing I've done for him, is to leave him anyway, yes, screaming and all. I've arranged with someone i trust (not to go stark raving mad), either my husband or sister in law, to leave him for short periods of time (an hour at the most). Never sneaking out, always telling him I'm leaving, that i love him and when I'll be back. We've been dealing with this almost from birth. I'm not quite sure why he's like this when none of his 7 siblings were, and I didnt do anything differnet with him than I did them. I guess he just naturally senses that he's the baby of the family, and there won't be any more after him.

All I can say to you is good luck, and this too shall pass.

I suggest that you read the article below. It sounds like she has some touch deprivation and needs a little extra. Try getting a carrier, holding her as much as possible and letting her sleep with you. Touch is absolutely necessary for proper neurological development. It creates happy, well balanced children and adults. Please read the article, it's really long, but the information is priceless.

http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/PS2010/html/Touch%20and%20...

She sounds like she has been traumatized somehow. I think the advice of wearing her is a great one. Also, try to figure out how she got traumatized. It sounds to me like something very serious is going on here. My kids have been clingy, but not like this. Are her needs being responded to when you're not there? Find out from her other caregivers what may have happened. I like the idea of the homeopath as well from one of the other moms. It's amazing what they can accomplish, and maybe a child psychologist as well.

If you have any religion you are involved with, maybe you can engage that to get her calmed down. We have icons (pictures) of Jesus and Mother Mary which I use when my kids are really upset. It really helps also for night terrors. Prayer does a LOT.

Make sure that you don't get ancy when she is traumatized. I've learned from painful experience if I get upset, my children get more upset, and it's a vicious cycle. Make sure you are and stay calm no matter what she does. I will hold and rock and pray with my children when they become too emotional. God bless you. I hope you come to a solution to this problem.

Hi J.,

I have a 14 month old son who is very similar in clingy-ness and meltdowns when my husband leaves the room. He also had sleep issues that were keeping us up all night. We went to a classical homeopath (Doug Brown in downtown Portland) who gave my son a remedy that calmed many of these symptoms down almost immediately. It's an ongoing process, but we're sleeping better, and my son is less anxious. Hope that helps!!

E. M

I can totally relate to your predicament as my daughter (now 13) wanted me to hold her all the time. And I DID. I worried that she would be a "needy" person. But she is one of the most centered, self-sufficent, independent teens you have ever met. I never skimped on my time with her when she was a toddler, but lavished her with lots of snuggling, playtime, etc. even though I owned and operated a full-time retail business. I practiced "attachment parenting" and wore her in a sling until she was too heavy to hold. (About 3 years old)I nursed her and sang her to sleep nearly every night for the first 5 years, and when she quit nursing on her own, I continued to read to her at bedtime, lay next to her and sing to her every night until she was about 8! Even now, at 13, I often go in & sit next to her before she goes to sleep & we have heart to heart talks. It sounds like you need to create a little "ME" time for you when she is taking her nap & accept that this is just what babies do! They want to be with their Mommy! There will come a time when it will be all about Daddy, but now, your baby wants to be with you & only you because it is what nature intended. Even though she is only one, she still senses that you are not wanting to be with her. Instead of getting upset, play with her,make it fun for both of you; make dressing a game; sing to her! Act silly! Become joyful with your baby. Get a sling and "wear" her during the day. This is a short period in a person's life. Give her the foundation she needs. Remember: This,too, shall pass!

does she have any food allergies? (vomiting!?)

also.... I don't think she is too young for time out... put her in her crib and go put on the headphones and listen to some music - even if it is for just 5 minutes..crying won't hurt her.

it could be a stage... and maybe you need more time out by yourself... see if your husband will let you take a night time pottery class or something else that interests you.

I agree that you need to leave her with someone you trust, telling her bye and when you'll return. The more often you do this the more quickly she'll learn that you are returning and thus not be quite as upset.

Another idea, while at home, is to set her up with playthings near you so that she can see you as you do other things.

Her clinging does seem excessive to me. Has she had any negative experiences that frightened her?
Perhaps without knowing it she is picking up on your anxiety and frustration. Because she doesn't know why you're feeling and/or acting that way she feels more insecure and clings even more.

I've heard the suggestion to handle clinging children by slowly increasing the amount of time that she is without you. Go out for 1/2 first reassuring her that you will be back in 30 minutes. Gradually increase the amount of time you are away from her.

When you're at home and she clings, calmly set her down, give her something to play with and as difficult as it is do not pick her up for 10 minutes and then gradually increase the time. Put a baby gate on your room or the bathroom so that she cans see you but not get to you. Perhaps play some calming or cheerful music while you're focused elsewhere.

Yes, this is the age at which babies are trying new things. They do not have a sense of permanency. If they don't see you, you don't exist for them. This is why peek a boo is a good game to play with them. I suspect that sensitive babies get overwhelmed by the new things that they learn at this age and when they cannot see you or you are understandably angry or frustrated they become hysterical. Getting thru this stage takes lots of patience. You do need time to yourself. And she needs to learn how to be without you starting with short periods of time increasing to longer times.

I've read children's books to my daughter and grandchildren that tell a story of Mom and Dad going out and having a babysitter. Perhaps reading books to her would help even tho she's not very verbal. Kids understand more than they can speak. Also by reading these stories of other kids or even calmly telling them stories will take some of the tension out of the situation.

It takes time but calmly tell your baby that you are going to have a shower now and give her some toys and leave her with her dad might help. Dad should then focus entirely on her, helping her to play, reassuring her, reminding her that you will be out in a little bit. She will scream at first but I think that if you keep doing this and are able to not respond to her scream she will eventually realize that you will always be there even when you're busy doing something else.

It's especially important to respond to her clinginess and hysterics in a calm reassuring manner. Expressing anger and frustration makes her feel less secure. She is totally dependent on you and she doesn't know what you will do when you're upset. If you put her down in a harsh manner because you've lost patience she is probably responding to the harsh manner as well as not being able to have you hold her.

It's tough being a parent and it's nearly impossible to have private time when your baby is so young. But they do grow up and before you know it they don't want to have much of anything to do with you. I wish you well!