Church with a Toddler

You didn't do anything wrong- the speaker needs a good lesson in manners!

I've brought my son to church with me/us since he was born. Our church doesn't have a nursery either as the pastor believes that church services are a family obligation. I believe in going to church as a family and not separating out children also and it is part of the reason why we attend this church.

Take a bottle and food, and quiet toys to entertain. I try to sit in the very back so that I could take my son out if needed. He is now 3 and is very good in church - he knows some of the prayers and participates. I rarely have to tell him to be quiet. He doesn't always listen to the priest - he does color and read his books to himself but sometimes he listens and asks us questions later.

Last summer, when he was 2, we took him to a wedding. He was the best behaved young child there because being in a church wasn't unfamiliar territory to him. He was also used to being "dressed up" in church so he didn't fuss about that. Maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something right.

Don't stop attending church either like one of the posters mentioned. I honestly believe that God means for us to go and that being there with babies / small children is just a part of the life process. I remember being in church as a very small child (before I could read) and it has just always been in my life - thanks to my own Mom:)

C.

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Sit in the back of the church, take turns with your husband taking your child outside when needed.. A 1 year old is not built to sit facing one direction and not making sounds for more that a few minutes. Their attention span is about 1 to 2 minutes.. No kidding. Take a bottle a soft book a blanket.... But do not make your child have to stay still for that long.

I am sorry you were embarrassed, but Church is a sanctuary and some people really feel like they do not mind children being there, but anyone walking around the church is a distraction.

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I read a few responses and want to add my own. I have a 6 and 8 year old. Our congregation has age appropriate bible study at 9:30am on Sunday and then at 10:30am we all meet in the auditorium for worship. When they were little and got a little fussy or bored, I would try to settle them at our seats with coloring or a quiet toy or maybe a little finger snack. Sometimes, that wouldn't work and we would go out into the foyer. I believe that it is good for children to sit with their parents/grandparents/older caregivers during a worship service. It is a great bonding time and they SEE how we all love God and praise and sing to him. They learn from watching us. I don't agree with these congregations that separate the children from the adults during worship. That said, I think it was rude of the guest speaker to say anything. I have never, ever, heard a preacher or speaker say something to a parent or whoever just because they are getting drowned out momentarily or getting a little distracted. I mean, who's the adult here, who's the professional? As for pointers, I think you should try your best to get her to sit with you, rather than walk around. In order to accomplish this, she needs to know you mean business. Speak with her before worship and let her know what is expected; granted, one year old is very young, but it's a good time to start. Possibly, give her a little reward afterwards if she behaves well. Make sure you have things that she likes, quiet things, like coloring, a stuffed animal, a sippy cup, etc. You could get a little chalkboard or one of those etch-a-sketch's. My girls loved the Polly Pockets, which are tiny, so that might be better when she gets a little older. Books are great, too. It's tough with toddlers, but if you set the standards now with what's expected, then it will be better down the road. Good luck and God Bless!

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I agree with Melissa! When my son was baptized there was a couple whose child was laughing and playing before the ceremony started and you could see them trying to settle the toddler. The pastor announced in the beginning of the ceremony that parents were encouraged to keep their children in the church even if they weren't sitting quiet (I can't remember the exact words he used) but he mentioned that children are a gift from God and they are welcome in God's church!

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My first reaction is how dare they!!
We welcome babies and children of all sizes. It's a shame to be so negative to a mother trying to give her child a good Chirstian upbringing.
Is there another church you could attend?
We are Presbyterian but have not felt that we really fit into the Presbyterian church here so we are attending a Nazarene church. Pretty much the same message but they are a lot less stuffy in this town..

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It sounds like you are really trying to be conscientious. I applaud you. I am certain that the other members of the congregation appreciate your desire to attend and not be a distraction and to teach your child proper behavior in church. One year is quite young to have too high of expectations for your daughter, particularly in light of the fact that there is no nursery for her age. While on your quest to teach your child well, keep in mind that loud or noisy behavior are not the only things children do that can cause distractions. Your child walking beyond your reach might easily be enough to have the folks nearby concerned about what is going to happen next... that's a distraction.

I think most families have been through this stage and try to be understanding. It is a tough spot to manage as a parent. For me and my husband... walking around just wasn't allowed by about 18 months. If they couldn't sit on my lap and be entertained quietly or sleep, then one of us had to get up and take the child out for a few minutes. Try to sit near an exit so you can slip out with the least fuss. The thing that worked best for us (aside from patience, lol) was having high expectations and follow through. As your daughter gets older, explain to her before the service, in the car on the way and again once you are seated, what exactly you expect of her. Church was not a place to have a bag of toys or stacks of coloring books. A small quiet book or two (no velcro things), a doll or poseable super hero (for a boy) and a ziploc bag with quiet snacks. No noisy wrappers. No pens/pencils to bang on the pews. No kicking the backs of the pews, etc. When our kids were about 4, we let them have a small piece of paper and a pen from my purse... but if they used it loudly (and pens CAN be loud when they write too fast or too hard) then we took it away and they lost the privilege.
Now... you said your child is one, so some of these things are a little beyond what would be expected right now... but don't be afraid to raise the bar. We never endured outbursts or "fits" from our kids. And they have (not always been perfect angels, but) always been complimented on their behavior in church. Learning to sit quietly, even if you are bored, is a skill that must be taught... they don't just one day wake up and lo and behold they are behaving in church, lol.

You will find, as your daughter gets older, that you actually can make it so that you need fewer and fewer "toys" to keep her entertained. Teaching her to stand and face the front when everyone else does, and close her eyes facing the front when prayers are said, to stand and sit along with everyone else, to turn to the correct page of the hymnal during different parts of the service, breaks up the long monotony of the service for the younger set. The kids that are allowed to color in a coloring book in the pews with their back to the altar during any and every aspect of the service, who are allowed to remove their shoes and sit on the floor and play, etc... are the ones that become big distractions later on. And it is a real shame, because the other congregants develop opinions about those children based on their behavior that will stick with them for years.

I wish you the best because that is a tough age with no nursery to use as a backup when things just aren't "working". Is there ANY sort of "cry room" that you can take her out when she just can't sit on your lap any longer? Perhaps it is something you could ask the church council about.
Blessings!

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If a church does not have a nursery for you to bring your child to, then it is expected that you bring the child to the service with you. I'm sure God doesn't mind. :)

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Yikes. He should have pulled you aside and said something.

If kids are loud OR climbing around , then it does seem to disrupt the whole service. People make an extreme effort to get up early, dress themselves and their kids, to get down there, (when they could be out playing,) so that they can be fed the message of God. All for nothing if they can't focus on the speaker. Common curtesy is to keep the child from disrupting the services. With that said, visual distractions in the isleways are a distraction to the speaker. I don't know if you have ever had to give a speech to an audience, but visual distractions can totally throw you off. It distracts others watching also.

If you could find a way to keep her in the very back row, and not let her toddle out on either side, .... Also if you must leave the services you could watch them at home on your computer if they have something like that setup on their website.
One of my FAVORITE online websites for watching ministry is 'People to People Ministries' with Bob George. Talk about an eye opener! I have heard truth on thier like I have never heard anywhere else. In fact, that is my church now, I do not attend services outside my home anymore because I can't find a church who knows the true Gospel .

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I don't think you did anything wrong at all! I'm a preacher's daughter and my dad has only interrupted a service once and that was to get onto me, not another person's child! He would never dream of calling out another parent like that, especially since so many people decide not to even attend services anymore. Furthermore, this was a GUEST speaker. If he had concerns, he should have addressed those with the elders or other leaders of the church or whoever in the congregation was organizing his speaking engagement AFTER service. If your child had been being loud or running all over the place, that's a time for a meaningful look at an elder for them to address the situation.

I'm glad that you are keeping your daughter in the service with you. There are a lot of children who know that as soon as they make a peep, they get to go to the nursery or a classroom and play for the rest of the service. Exposing her now will only help her be more behaved as she gets older. Keep up the good work!

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Wow! We don't have a nursery other than Sunday morning. Our Pastor never bats an eye. He loves having the little ones in the service. If they get close enough to him, he scoops them up and goes right on preaching. We have a small room right next to the santuary where parents can take little ones and still see the sermon on a small monitor.

I can't believe the speaker would say that.

Anyway, we do chair training. It teaches my little ones how to sit without being a distraction. I started with 5 minutes and gradually got up to an hour. They have to sit in a chair with only a book. They can't move from the chair and can only play with their book. If at the end of 5 minutes they have succeeded they get a small candy or cookie or something. Gradually I've added 5 minutes to the time. We practiced this everyday for a while until we made it to 1 hour. It's been such a blessing. It's a wonderful self control teaching and they are able to sit quietly in other places as well. Waiting has become easier. Now they aren't completely soundless in church and they only usually can make it aobut 45 minutes, but they aren't causing problems or running all over.

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My son turned 2 in November and we have been going through this for a while! I actually ended up switching churches about a month ago and am so glad! They have a nursery which helps me concentrate on what's going on and also gives him play time with other children.
I had a really hard time at our other church and would even leave early almost in tears because I felt like all my effort to be on time, get everything ready, actually tune into the readings, etc, were fruitless....
Keep an open mind and try not to worry about other people's insensitivity!

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I am so sorry this happened to you! I don't think anyone in my church would be bothered by what your daughter did! My pastor certainly wouldn't!

When our son was little he got away from me during the service and toddled up to an elderly lady. I was mortified because she was known for being critical. I apologized to her after the service expecting her to chew me out, but, she actually got tears in her eyes and said that she loved to see LIFE happening in our church. Amazing. That's how I want to act, instead of being annoyed by "distractions".

Sorry for rambling! My point is that I think you were JUST FINE! Please don't be embarrassed.
HUGS!!!

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OMG!!! Isn't church a family place? He should be the one embarassed for putting a regulation on who can come to church. People understand and especially those with children of thier own. Don't put others in front of what you are trying to accomplish. If you have to take her then take her. And there will be a time when she does cry or act out so you just take her outside until she is ready to come back in. What is a distraction is the guest speaker actually pointing out your baby. Give me a break!! Keep going and don't let anyone stop you. Eventually your daughter will get the message.

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YIKES!! Maybe don't go the next time that person is there. Don't be discouraged and stop taking your child to church, that's where she needs to be!

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The speaker was a jerk. Shame on him.
Best, K

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Find a new church, that's rude! They should accomadate parents or not say anything. Sorry u were embarrassed, I wouldn't want to be a part of that church, hope u find a more child friendly church. Where do u go? L.

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It's obvious that guest speaker has no children or he would have understood that this is something common for children to do. Not all adults like children or noise, especially if they're not accustomed to it, are anxious, or just old and cranky. Besides, he was a guest speaker, not the pastor/minister/priest so he has less of a right to act this way. I am not religious and do not attend services, but my daughter goes to church with her father and his family, who are quite religious, and the times I had attended church with him in the past, just to accompany him when we were living together, the pastor was very friendly towards our wandering daughter because he has 3 kids himself and he knows what a handful they can be and he wants kids to start listening to church services from a young age. He was happy and grateful I was allowing her to attend the service even if I am not a believer and never did he interrupt the service or look at us in a bad way if she was walking around being "a distraction". Kids are kids, this is something they all do, and you cannot expect a toddler to behave, even if put in a stroller. If the child started screaming or crying, then I would expect the parents to take the child out, but some innocent fussing can be equated with someone coughing, would you kick out someone who is coughing? I think your pastor/minister/priest should have approached you, privately, about this, along with the guest speaker, so that you could have offered an explanation, but I believe the guest speaker deserves to give you an apology. You could have said something like "sorry my child is like all children and she is too young to understand that she cannot speak or move while in church and why; if you would prefer I not bring her in whenever you're speaking, let me know". This may make him feel bad enough to apologize.

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I am in shock reading this! I don't think that is the proper way to handle that situation. Our church has a pamphlet in each pew called "A Child in the Pew" which is designed to help everyone through the experience. Keep her in church and excuse yourselves if it is too much!

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I would find a more family friendly church.

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The guest speaker sounds like a butt! Can you get a hold of him somehow, to ask him for pointers on what to do this coming Sunday, because you WILL be bringing your daughter to church.

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It is a distraction and rude. Children need to learn how to act properly in different situations, and it's never too early to start teaching those lessons. Our daughter is 5 now, and has traveled extensively with us for my husband's business and we receive lots of compliments on her behavior. What I found helpful - is to have a bag of things for her to play with that she only gets to play with, read, color etc. when it is imperative that she sit still and be quiet. That way - she is excited to see the things, and they always entertain. We have books, crayons, coloring books and the biggest hit was the Crayola Color wonder books and markers. The markers all look the same - and only make a clear water mark on anything they are not supposed to be on, and on the crayola special paper the color magically appears. Also - maybe a special baby doll - with a bottle that she can feed the baby and practice being quiet and keeping her baby quiet. My daughter would go with us to the track, and sit in the timing and scoring booth with me all day - all be it - up there she could watch videos and move around a bit - but she still had to be quiet, and then we would inevitably go to dinner with a bunch of customers / friends after being at the track all day. She would sit quietly in her stroller or a chair and color, look at books, play with her doll whatever, eat her meal and some times fall asleep - and never with out a grand mal fit or temper tantrum - and this after leaving the house some times as early as 6 am! Good luck!

I am a visual learner. If anyone is interested in figuring out how they learn they can google learning styles. Anyway, anything that is in my line of vision, catches my eye, is moving around...a distraction and I can't help it. It is a big issue to me when there are people moving around, getting up, going in and out, etc....I have left Church many times with my jaw hurting from gritting my teeth and I can't even tell you who spoke or what the lesson was about. I have to sit in the foyer many times becasue people don't take their little ones out before the service to go to the bathroom or get a drink and there is just too much motion in the Sanctuary. It's like a squirming bowl of worms or bugs or something. There is constant movement.

That said, all children are in our Sacrament meeting and they have Primary after, during our Sunday School and other meetings. Parents really try hard to keep their kids in line, and they are generally well behaved but every now and then there will be that one child who is singing primary songs at the top of their lungs while the parent is trying to take them to the foyer...it's so fun to see the parents trying not to laugh at their kids.

I think the speaker was out of line. Had he been your Pastor and your child had wandered too far I think the Pastor should have said something to you privately. Since this speaker was a visitor he had no business speaking about that. I would have been focused on your child though and encourage you to keep them on the same pew as you. There is plenty to keep them occupied, or distracted. Also, take them out if they need to run around, sit next to an exit door. My preference for you would be the one out of my range of sight.

I don't even go to Church anymore. It's just a waste of time for me since I can't concentrate. I didn't like leaving mad either, and the kids were being good too. Just too much movement for me. Just continue being thoughtful and conciderate and it will be okay.

M.,

As far as I am concerned a church is not limited to adults only and if the guest speaker has a problem then your chuch might want to reconsider before asking him to speak again. Your child has to have some familiarity of going to church and behaving properly...how will she ever learn being put in another room with other kids??

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing and it saddens me that this rude speaker has you doubting your parenting rights. If she is doing some kid things, but not keeping others from worshiping then you have evry right to expose her to something you feel is going to be a positive aspect of her life. Some churches have a prefrence for which service maybe more child friendly as well. I am sure your pastor would agree that the earlier they can attend the better.

Don't let someone else make you feel uncomfortable in a place you go to to seek solice and peace. There are too many people trying to tell others how to live their lives.....turn to them and simply say you have no right to project your issue upon me and my family. Also that no one knows what is best for your children but you!

Good luck and God bless
A.
Leximarket.com

There's a book called Parenting in the Pew (don't know the author). I don't know much about it but my pastors wife speaks very highly of it.