Church Destroying Relationship

You don't need to be a better woman for your boyfriend. You have to stop that line of thinking right now. That is a totally subservient line of thinking and that leads to lots of problems down the road. It doesn't seem very religious to be very harsh and criticize the one you are supposed to love in the name of religion. Perhaps you need a break from one another to sort out where you each really belong.

Your gut is telling you this new church is not for you. You would be wise to listen to what your heart and gut are telling you. Factor that in with what you have learned about this church. Not everyone who claims to be religious or to be preaching the word is a pious as they say.

I'm sure he's very excited about this new church but that doesn't give him any excuse or right to treat you poorly. And furthermore, there is no reason why you should take that kind of behavior!

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If you aren't comfortable at the church, then don't go. If your boyfriend wants to go, that is up to him, especially if he won't listen to your concerns. If he continues to treat you poorly, you need to do what you need to do for yourself. He obviously isn't valuing you as he should, and any religion that is promoting this is scary to me. If he is choosing a church that instills these beliefs over you, then he may not be the man for you.

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I experienced something like this when I was young. You do not say how old you are (I am in my 40s). I was heartbroken when my first love became focused on sin and began to berate me. I heard "You are going to hell because you are Catholic." He once got really upset with me because I wore pants to his church, but he did not tell me NOT to. It was kind of like a game that made him feel superior, if that makes sense. It was very hard when that relationship ended, but now I am so glad that it did. Love is not about berating and tearing down a person. Christ is not about blame; He is about forgiveness and love. Spirituality should be about strengthening your relationship. Also, ultimatums are never a good sign in relationship.
If this is a serious relationship and you have or want to have children, is his church a place you feel that your children would be happy? With differences in religion, once children are involved, it gets extremely emotional and difficult. They become pawns.

You sound like a lovely, loving woman. You deserve to be cherished and loved by your partner. That is what God wants for you.

BTW: my former boyfriend is now an atheist. I am still a practicing Catholic. I mention this only because I think it is very common for young people (early twenties) to go through extremes as they try to understand their spiritual identity. The problems occur when one person tries to force another to bend to his or her belief. This is why I try always to be very respectful of each person's belief (or non-belief).

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Hi L.,

HOORAY! Rejoice!! You are not married to this guy. LEAVE HIM! He's becoming abusive. Time to protect yourself and find someone who will actually care about YOU. Sounds like he's using this cult to give him reason to have power over you, not be your partner. Be happy that you found out about this tendency in him before you married. Save yourself!!!

Yes, it's a bummer that you have lost the person that you thought you loved, but he's not who you thought he was. Don't worry. You'll get over him. Find someone who you can be actually truely happy with. HUGS!!!!

Good luck,
MD

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This is exactly what broke me and my boyfriend up years ago. The church he belonged to said living together was a sin and they were very strong about tithing. Here's the thing, me and BF were living together, so even though he all of a sudden believed sex out of marriage was a sin, he would have sex with me then later pray to God for forgiveness. When I realized that was what he was doing when he left the room, ALL sex stopped. I was beyond insulted that he would engage with me then ask God to forgive him. This was only the beginning of the insanity. He could barely hold a job and we were living super tight and behind on rent, yet when we went to church he'd drop like $60 in the basket. I was appalled, hello??? we're broke??? Then at the end he made it very easy for me. He said either we get married or we don't live together, sionara psycho, I'm out!!! Honey it is the beginning of the end. Use your beleifs for strength and move on, it'll only get worse.

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It sounds like he has made a choice and so have you. If you have to part ways, then pray for a peaceful separation. You don't have to go to that church if you are not comfortable and I don't advise that you do.

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Dear L.,

My advice is to be thankful to the Lord that you are not married to this man. Tell him that you will attend the church that you feel comfortable with and he of course is free to do the same.

God does not always give you the answer that you think you want, He may very well have someone else in mind for you that will be more compatible, loving and meant to be your partner in life. If your current boyfriend truly loves you I don’t think he would all of a sudden be so critical.

Blessings…..

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Go back to your church. They way you describe how he is treating you is not Christian behavior, so that may tell you a little something about the church he attends. Usually when you get baptized you are baptized into a certain. Although part of preaching the Gospel is teaching against sin, but also the grace, and the love of Christ, if that is missing, then who ever is preaching at his church is picking and choosing what parts of the Bible to teach. I was baptized 18 years ago into the church that I attend, and form me to even visit another church, would be like visiting a different husband. Go back to your own church. J.

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Christianity is positive, not negative. It guides, not dictates. It's the Living Word, not criticism. I agree w/ the moms below; you are so lucky that you aren't married to this man. This would be a deal breaker for me, so to speak. End the relationship, and consider yourself lucky!

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Congrats on your "new beginnings" and "new" life! Since he is a "boyfriend" and luckily NOT a husband of yours you have options. I would imagine that one of these days you would like to get married and I would imagine you had hoped it would be him but boy does God ever have some other plans in store for us-lol! It says in the bible that husband and wife should be equally yolked. Meaning you both have got to be on the same page and many different people interpet the bible in many different ways. Some may say being equally yolked means differently. Take it as you may but you need to pray to God even more asking that he give you clarity and open your mind to his help. Sometimes God can give us a sign but because our minds are not open -we miss it.
From what you described though-to me personally I would take THAT as my sign to RUN and run very far away. However as someone else stated I don't want to tell you what I see as a sign for myself especially if God is within the works of his "mysterious" ways in showing you what you should do. You might even need to do a praying "fast" to get your answer. Some people believe in that others do not again-your decision. Good luck and my prayers with you and I would like to know what happens!

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Why oh why are you praying to God to help you be a better woman / girlfriend for him???????? You should pray and ask God to help HIM be better for YOU!
He is obviously trying to "find himself" and is not happy with himself. You are happy with yourself, don't mess with that.

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My daughter left a boyfriend under similar circumstances. She's so glad she did. He went on to marry a woman he could bully emotionally, they had kids, she finally left him, it's all very sad. He is not an emotionally healthy man, and the church he chose just played into his worst ego faults. There's nothing loving or Christian about judgment and control of others.

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When you prayed what did you hear? Did you feel that confirmation in your spirit about what to do? I hate to tell anyone what to do or not to do when they have asked God and may not have listened to his answer. It is the hardest thing to do, just sitting and listening while praying for guidance. Ask him again.

If you are supposed to be together then you both will have to compromise. If he is unwilling to compromise and you are unwilling to compromise then even if God did want you to be together then your free agency has made a different decision.

First, CONGRATS on your baptism!!

Second, while I can understand you wanting your boyfriend to be supportive and to attend church with you, and to get the same warm and fuzzy that you are getting every person has a different experience because they have different life choices and pasts. That is why there are so MANY different churches. You are so new in your relationship with Christ. There will be many tests of that faith and your decision. This is your first.

My advice is this:
1. Ask him to try attending a third church that you pick together.
2. If you can't agree on that, then attend church seperately for awhile. There is nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't have to sit in a church where you are uncomfortable, and neither should he. Its like leading a horse to water, you can't force him.

L.,

I am not sure what decision you need to make because only God can guide you in that direction. However, if you are not happy at the church your boyfriend attends (for obvious good reasons), then you should go to the church that you feel comfortable with. We are put in this world to have a loving relationship with God and that relationship should be most important in our lives, then family, then job. God does not like religion because it is nothing but a set of rules and that is not why he died for our sins. He only wants us to be close to him by reading his word daily, being servants by helping mankind and spreading his word, and going to a church where you can praise and worship him. Church is not hellfire and brimstone. God has already forgiven your sins when you were saved back in July so you where reborn. If your boyfriend cannot respect that the church he wants you to go to is not for you and you cannot have the true fellowship their that you desire, then unfortunately you may need to think that relationship because if you don't your relationship with God may suffer in the long run. Good luck to you and seek God's word for your true answers. We know his word never fails.

Here is what that kind of "church" will get you:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2007/dec/09/tracymcveigh....

RUN and find a decent church. RUN from a boyfriend who thinks this kind of thinking is OK. RUN from the nutjobs who call themselves pastors. IMHO the freaks -and they are freaks- who lead "churches" such as this are no better than Al-Qaeda and the freaks who run the madrasssas.

GL!

Cut & run, sweety. You know this isn't right. If you can't convince him of it, get gone.
Good luck & remember GOD IS IN CONTROL!

In my experience, anyone who gets excited/jumps on the band wagon about treating people badly/ having "permission" to be mean instead of getting mortified/indignant about the very idea of it is NOT someone you want in your life.