Christmas Parties/Gift Exchanges

Hello L.,
I understand you position and I live that as well.
I am a single mom raising 2 teenagers. My daughter will be graduating high-school next year and my son finishing middle school this year.
Everything is incredibly expensive and doesn't leave much to enjoy!!
I would be honest with your friends and say "I would love to be part of your holiday party, however we cannot afford the gift exchange". You are ok with it yourself and being true to yourself is the key. If your friends then begin to judge you because of your financial situation remember what our parents alway told us as children, "then they must not have been your friend"!
Holidays are not about commercial gifts. Holidays are about the kindness,warmth, love and joy we share with mankind during this season.
I am almost certain they know that as well!
Like I said, be true to yourself it is your strong values that will reflect in the morals of your children. They too will then understand the meaning of Christmas.
Happy Holidays!
D.

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Well, I certainly don't think you need to go to every party. Just maybe pick a couple you would like to go to. Then can you maybe get crafty and make something at home? Like a tall mason jar with ingredients for a cookie recipe and a chritmas ribbon tied around the top? Or ingredients for a soup recipe? Or go to the dollar store and get creative? I think you could come up with a cute and very cheap/free gift if you think about what you could make! I'm not even a very crafty person...but you do what you have to do with the budget you have! Good luck to you, and I hope you enjoy the season:-)

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I think it is so great that you send money to your family so that they can have a large Christmas dinner! I like that you are thinking of different options of what to do.

Here are some thoughts of mine that might trigger other thoughts of yours... could you make something, sew a cute bag, make a batch of brownies (if a box of brownie mix is on sale, it can be under a $1, I don't know if that is still out of the running), other homemade gifts, or 'kits' ... the ingrediants for them to make their own brownies (all put in a glass jar) or a soup mix (same glass jar idea) or beaded necklace kit with a ribbon or string and a a bunch of beads or some choice few.

CraigsList.com or 2Good2Toss.com or FreeCycle.com are some great places to get really inexpensive items or even free (people just want the stuff out of their house sometimes). Or even me, I'd be fine with letting you just have some fabric.

Another thought... the gift exchanges, is it a "White Elephant" gift exchange? Those are supose to be just stuff that is lying around your house (unless they say otherwise), makes for great fun. I actually got some great gifts at White Elephant gift exchanges... rollerskates, a cheapet that one of my kids wanted one year (it was never opened), and an new apron that the owner had just never worn (last years gift manybe).

If they are good enough friends to invite you to their Christmas party, and they know your finantial situation, then I'm sure they would WANT you to let them know that you are thinking of not coming because of the gift thing! The host of the party usually? (I do) have extra gifts there on the ready for those who didn't bring a gift.

I know that it is not part of your question, but with the 'not giving you husband a gift'... what if you wrote him a letter, thanking him for all he does and what he means to you and ... you know. You probably aready do that, I just thought I'd put it down. Actually, that was one of the best Mother's day gifts I ever gave to my mom and mother-in-law and grandma's. I started with just a plain white piece of paper and just wrote any good memory or good word or thoughts or thanks... I drew simple flowers (I'm not an artist) in the corners and green lines in between the flowers with markers to decorate the paper. Each 'mom' was crying when they thanks me saying that it touched them so much. Okay, enough of memory lane for now.

I have no dought that others have written wonderful ideas and I'm going to read them and get some ideas to use for me.

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How many people are attending these parties? It seems absurd to me to break our banks and our backs to come up with a bazillion gifts just for a silly party. I have a large extended family in which many are wealthy (some are VERY well-off) and we've been doing a white elephant exchange at our christmas parties for years. Even the young children can get into it and have fun! Everyone brings one (silly) gift that you can pay no more than $25 for (you could even bring a $3 thrift store gift), and we play this game where numbers are drawn, people can 'force' a trade with another person's gift, etc. It is a lot of fun and you get to exercise your humor and creativity more than your wallets and tolerance for malls.

Why not suggest this to some of the party hosts? In this economy more people are struggling than you would think and I believe a lot of people break their banks and go into credit card debt just to keep up. Someone needs to stand up and advocate for a change to less materialistic traditions! My family always spent a lot on each other for Xmas and this year I suggested modest gifts because we are all tight and my siblings were surprisingly receptive to it, even though it will feel strange being our first time not giving each other $75 sweaters and jackets to prove we really do love each other. Change can feel awkward at first, but sometimes it is the healthiest thing for everyone!

BTW, I also agree with being straightforward with your friends that you can't afford gifts. Maybe you'll be able to opt out of the gift giving or they can come up with creative solutions for you (maybe gifts can be exchanged at the very beginning or end and you could just 'miss' that part by showing up late or leaving early?) It sounds like you have a lot of friends and people who really like you -- who wouldn't want you at their party? I'm sure friends would value your presence much more than your presents! :-)

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There's nothing wrong with saying that you can't afford it. :-) Especially with the economy the way it is right now, I think there are a lot of people in the same boat. I would hope that real friends wouldn't think any differently of you for it (and if they do, maybe you don't want them in your life anyways). By saying you can't afford it, it puts it on them to say whether or not you can still go to the party. Personally, I don't know why you couldn't, but be prepared that you might miss out on a few.

Also, just because you can't afford to BUY a gift, there's always the option of making gifts or suggesting a "White Elephant" gift exchange. Our close friends and us always have a Secret Santa gift exchange. It's open to anyone who wants to participate in our group of friends, but you don't have to participate to come. We put a $25 limit on the gifts and many times we use our talents to make each other gifts. We've made paintings, jewelry, baked-goods, t-shirts, knitted scarfs, etc. I even sewed up a belt for one friend a couple of years ago. My point being, that use any talent you might have and give that as a gift. It can be as simple as offering up some help in a form of a "Coupon" of something you enjoy doing or better yet, tell them you'll volunteer someplace for an hour in there name.

If you do do a White Elephant, then you just take something that is not needed from around your house. These kinds of gift exchanges can be really funny and there's always something that people really want and really DON'T want. You get to keep trading the gifts and it can be a lot of fun.

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Have you thought of making mini loafs of special quick breads like: banana bread, zucchini, apple, walnut,cinnamon/raisin etc...? How about a homemade card with your good thoughts and wishes to the person? Bring a story to share. If you knit or sew make small ornaments for their tree, Anything you make or bring should be accepted with gratefulness at the effort you made. It's not the price or bigness, but the thought. You make, give, do what you can and your heart will be in it. I would celebrate with your friends without worry. They invited you because they want to spend time with you and your family.

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First- regarding your family gifts. With the exception of sending money to your husband's family (which is really nice of you), limit all other gifts to kids only. If you eliminated the gifts for your brothers, wives and parents it would lighten your load.

For the holiday party gifts I agree with the others- bake something, make a nice ornament (also nice option for your family) or just bring a bottle of wine. Go to the dollar store for cute gift wrapping options, ribbon, etc.

And remember- this is a tough year for everyone. Even people who are really well off have lost money in their investments and savings. You may find that most everyone you know is cutting back on gift giving this year. I'll bet if you asked the friends who are throwing these parties they would tell you to not bring a gift.

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Hi L.,

Sometimes people assume that those with more money or larger houses have greater expectations when it comes to giving, than others who do, with less. If that's that's the case (that their expectation is over-enlarged) and you know this for a fact, don't go. However, if it's simply some internal concern you carry within your being, I say, turn that switch off and go.

My advice to you is to go and bring a gift from your heart. Many things are easy to do, don't take incredible amounts of time and can be beautifully presented (big wow factor). One of my long favorite things to make at the holidays is peanut brittle. It's a classic. If you want a super recipe, send me an email. But - anything - anything you spent time on - is invaluable and special. Giving is in the action, not the thing and, my personal belief is, by your actions in life, you will be known.

I hope that those you would feel welcomed by as friends are those who would appreciate ANY gift you bring - whether it's a cheap bottle of wine, a beautifully-wrapped batch of fudge or anything else you impart with the spirit of giving. Just be sure it's not YOU that's worrying about something they may be 'expecting' of you, needlessly. As long as you're certain you're living to your own standards in life and not allowing yourself to be sucked in by what others may / may not expect of you (you might enjoy a blog from earlier this year called "What's Your Fear Factor in Life" - http://www.tristansepinion.blogspot.com) all will be well.

Have a huge amount of fun this holiday - it's not about the dollars we have or don't. I say, banish all thoughts that keep you from loving, giving, doing and being - FREELY. Life is too short!

I wish you a loving, giving season.

Warm Regards,
T. B.

PS - OOPS! Didn't notice gifts were for kids only - :-+ So - forget the wine, buy cheap puzzles! They're great for all ages! :-)

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Go to the holiday party and enjoy it! :"}Try going to the dollar tree and buying one or more times.They have wrapping or bags for presents from the dollar tree.I have been to parties when there have been dollar tree presents that people really like.You don't have to say its from the dollar tree.Take off the tags.They make some of the cutest things for a dollar.You could buy a handle towel and a matching hot pad.Maybe a cup with candy.A figurine.There is so much.Each dollar tree differs.Good lucky and enjoy the holidays.

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Hi L.,

Have you thought about having a party yourself (i know this sounds like more $ out the door but hear me out :))

Last year I had a cookie exchange party and thought it made quite a bit of work for everyone in making a ton of cookies this time of year when time and money can be tight! So this year I am having a sweet retreat. Everyone brings one dessert and several copies of the recipe they used. This will be fun and the hostess food is provided by you (your one dessert) and your guests.

Having something like the party above or you can figure out what ever you and your friends like....lets you be a hostess to all of your friends. If you are unable to attend a friend's party you can still feel like you and your friends could get together for the holidays without money getting in the way.

The best of luck to you.......there is no embarassment in knowing your financial limitations. This shows good sense and good stewardship of your money!

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L.,
I really think that going to the host of the party and honestly telling her that you and your family would love to attend her party, but that you'd rather not participate in the gift exchange is the best thing to do. If she's a good friend, she really should understand and would want you to attend as well.

You could also ask your friend if the kids could draw names and have a price cap of $15 or $20. This way, each kid just has to bring one gift.

A lot of people are scaling back this year and some of the other guests might appreciate having fewer gifts to buy for people outside their familes.

I wish you luck with this. F.

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You have some great advice. Yes talking with your friends is always good. If they are true friends with big hearts they will understand. If not then they are not good friends to have. And well yes the economy is a good reason too. I know you will find & do the right thing for you and your family. It is the holidays and well you are right it is about people and being happy and it isn't and shouldn't be about the gifts.

I have a best friend that well has never had much. Even when things have been tight for me it has made me happy to give something to her kids and her. I do it cause I love her. My family also decided a couple years ago for the same reason that we are all in a different spot with $$$ so the kids get a gift from grandparents & the kids give to each other (we draw names) the adults have one small gift and we do an exchange. It is more fun to do that then to have us all buy gifts for everyone. It is amazing to see two grown people fight over a $5 starbucks card. But this is what makes it all fun is being together. And well yes we do have some family that is in the same boat and well we always have a backup. Because you never know if one of the teenagers will bring a special someone or not.

Plus if the parties are for the kids well I am sorry I have 2 kids and they are swiming in toys. I don't need more toys and if that is what they want then tough. My 6 yr old son loves having a gift card to almost anywhere. The idea that he can use it to get something is just so cool. It is way cooler than actual $$$. He got a $5 gift card here for his birthday to an ice cream shop and the next day guess where he wanted to go :) It was better than all the pile of toys for his birthday.

I hope you find something good in all of this advice. Have a great holiday season. M.

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Hi,
I would eliminate all family gifts except the kids. I don't know how much you spend on each one, but if you give them a $10 bill, they will be very happy. You can give more if you would spend more. Your brothers will understand if you don't give them a gift, but give their kids one. And send the money to the parents in a poor country.

About the parties, is the gift exchange one of those ones where you wrap it and people open one and can steal another? You could get a dvd from Walmart in the $5 bin, or make something to eat or for the house or a hat or something, or get something on sale. You don't know who gave what in those kind. I got a keychain flashlight for those games, or the card game Phase 10, stuff like that. If it's a different gift exchange, that could mean lots of thing, too vague.
Please don't stress about it. Christmas is a time to remember that God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son, so that we might live. It is about spreading the love and joy of Christ. Oh, you could make a sign that says something like that with paint and wood. Anyway, keep in mind what it is about and don't stress. I hope things get better for you, for all of us. Merry Christmas early!
Blessings,
J.

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Here's a unique idea which may or may not fly depending on the personalities of your friends:

What about going to a thrift store and finding the most godawful ugly thing you can, and calling it a funny white elephant gift? You can probably pick something up for a dollar or two, and if it's really, really awful, chances are it will be the hit of the party and may even start showing up in future gift exchanges..

I have a group of friends that has been passing a horrible gift back and forth for years. We don't do it at gift exchanges...it just kind of sneaks its way into our homes when we're least expecting it. It's become a loving joke between us.

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As some of the others have suggested, I would suggest making something. There are lots of really cute inexpensive crafts you can make or put together cute gift baskets from inexpensive materials. One of my favorite sources of ideas is a company called Cello in a Box. I joined as a rep to get the 20% discount on the products they sell, but you can look at the website for free to get ideas. Some ideas include fancy chocolate dipped pretzels, oreo cookies or marshmallows, making a "gift basket" from an oven mitt from the dollar store and filling it with things like a muffin or cake mix and wooden utensils, etc. Be sure to look at the whole website (including the shop online part) for lots of great ideas.
Here's the website: http://www.celloinabox.com/725

We have been in the same boat in years past. I completely understand and empathize with you!

A gift from the heart really does speak loudest. I just read your note again and saw that it's the kids. I would go for a gift I saw once touted for kids' birthday parties...the gift of time spent together. You can make up a special gift certificate that reads "one afternoon baking cookies at Jane's house" and tie it up to a cookie cutter - or "one afternoon making crafts at John's house". Pick something fun like decorating a gingerbread house (my 13 yo stepson still loves to do this!) or decorating easter eggs. My kids even love to do this OUT OF SEASON! You can find an inexpensive craft at familyfun.com

You could make the gift cert. for a "Kids' Night Out" where they spend an overnight and you have popcorn, games, movies, homemade pizza...my kids' friends LOVE this. It seems that kids don't get enough of this family time in today's society, and we are also on the go enough that slowing down to do a family fun night doesn't come often enough. If it's an overnight, the parents also get a date night...great double gift for them!

The place that I read about this said it was often the hit of the birthday, with the kids DYING to get over there and have a playdate...and talking about it LONG afterwards - with the other expensive toy presents soon broken or forgotten. They even went so far as to take photos while making cookies etc. and send them to the kids to remember their special date.

I think you may find you are the hit of the party with these ideas. You'd be my best friend if I found out I got to have a night without my kids, *laughing*!!!

Incidentally, I found an idea for our tweens on familyfun.com last year, a year's worth of tween coupons:

http://jas.familyfun.go.com/guestsubmit?action=displaygue...=

Our kids LOVED it. They didn't even use them all! It's a great green and inexpensive way to have fun with your kids.

All the best to you!

Honestly - I think it is going to be a really tough Holiday season for a lot of people. As of right now - my son will NOT get a Christmas from us this year - fortunantly he is so young that he won't really miss it. And that we have a lot of family and extended family that will probably get him gifts and such. I would be up front with my friends about the gift exchange - if you can't afford it....then you can't afford it. Plain and simple. If your friends give you additude about it, then I guess they weren't your true friends. Because money is not everything. Money does make things a little easier in life, but it's not everything. My additude this holiday season is that we (my family and hubby's family) can get together and have a wonderful feast of a dinner and are as healthy as we can be - enough to be alive and kicking. With today's economy and people's jobs are either cutting back on hours or even jobs themselves - I think money is going to be really tight all around. One of the things that we are going to do at my husbands side of the family this year is a cookie exchange instead of presents. Last year we had to make something and that was really fun.. I got to show off my crafty side. Anyway - I would just chose which parties to go to. I personally would tell my friends that I can go to the party, but I can't afford to do the gift exchange. Why lie to yourself and cut your own throat to try to keep up with the "Jones" when you can't. It's not fair to you and your family. Good luck. I hope that you still have a wonderful Holiday Season (Christmas).

I am also in your shoes. We where that other family, then my husband got diagnosed with a rare disease and now we have just enough to make it threw the month.
So I do a couple of things.
I would talk to your friend and suggest that they put a $10 limit on the gift. I would then go to the dolor store and put a nice little basket together. You can do amazing stuff with the dolor store.
I would make a plate of goodies, cookies, fudge, brownies and give that.
I would put together a coupon book or a gift certificate for something that you and your husband might be willing to give. It could be a free night out for your friend while you watch their child. Helping to clean up after a party. Or doing taxes, or ???? you know what you and yours has to offer.

I have found that my friends understand about our money situation. So be honest with them. We have had friends loose touch, but I think it has more to do with my husbands disease than with our income level. Be honest with your friends, they may surprise you..

You might suggest to the hostess "Since we all have so much and are so blessed, perhaps instead of exchanging gifts among ourselves at the party, we could each make a donation to our favorite charity in each other's names?" This would allow each of you to give what you can without any judgements about what something cost.
If the hostess is firm on the idea of a gift exchange at the party, dollar stores often have very nice Christmas platters that you could fill with your special Christmas goodie and perhaps an ornament or two (also from the dollar store, trust me, nobody will know where they came from)...this gift would remind the receipiant of you each year as they use them.
I also think that being honest with the people who really care is absolutely okay...they should be sensitive enough to your situation to not but you in an uncomfortable position regarding gifts. Use this opportunity to help us all to focus on the best reason to get together over the holidays....time with the people we care about!!!!!

I can completely empathize - we run into the same problem. I really don't understand why adults are exchange presents regardless of income. I've done a couple things.
-I know it's cheap, but I have brought a gift to the first party and used the gift I left with as the gift for the next party. Of course it only works when the parties are a completely different crowd.
-I have a begonia and collect cool pots from garage sales. The begonia can be split into many plants over the year. I've gifted the begonia many many times with the cool pots. It takes awhile, but the plant is gorgeous.
-You could also consider giving a "date night" where you offer to watch their kids overnight?

I have always felt that the gift of a service, no matter how small, is a very personalized gift that may be very much appreciated. For a group of people you know, babysitting or if they have no children maybe helping with ironing or laundry one day, raking leaves, things like that, may be a nice gift. If it's a group of people you don't know, it's harder to find something like that. But maybe you have a special talent you can share, like a piano recital, a gift of a song on a guitar, drawing a picture (my husband is an artist, so this would actually be a really great free gift), or a manicure.

I agree with others about making something, although it doesn't even sound like you might have the money to spend on that.

The most important thing is not what you bring, or even if you bring something. Your friends invited you b/c they want the pleasure of your company. Don't opt out just b/c of the money. Your friendships are WAY more important, as well your friends know, or they wouldn't have invited you. :-)

I would just let them know that you hope they appreciate your situation and that you would love to come but would like to opt out of the gift exchange portion. If you are not giving a gift you needn't receive a gift but that you do want to be a part of each others holiday with your presence:) I'm sure they would understand.

I would just say that right now its financially hard with the way the economy is right now. I am sure you friends will understand.
Some gift ideas would be baked goods if you want to or can afford a loaf of bread or cookies. People love that.

Good luck and happy holidays.

As for the parties I would suggest either talking to your friend or like others have said, getting crafty and making an ornament or baking treats and wrapping them up - no one said it had to be anything spectacular. Or give the gift of service, make a coupon for an authentic homecooked meal or cookies of your choice or free babysitting so they can go out, the possibilities are endless.

As for family gifts, if money is tight why are you buying gifts for your brother and nieces & nephews?

My husband and I struggle with finances, especially in the winter, and while my siblings have a family rotation gift exchange, we have told them that we can't afford to be part of the exchange and removed ourselves from the rotation last year. Yes, it would be nice to get everyone gifts, but that isn't what Christmas is about. We keep it simple, we get each of our kids one gift and either get each other something simple that we need or get a family gift. We don't do stockings or anything extra, because that is what it is, "extra". And our parents and siblings understand that. Hopefully someday we will have the money, but for now we don't. I know this can be difficult, especially if your kids are older, but if you are open with them about your financial situation I am sure they will understand.

Good Luck!

Hi L.,
I have been to many parties like this and the reality is, not everyone participates in the gift exchange. It's Ok to go a to the party without a gift. If you want, you can also let your hostess know before hand that this is what you are going to do. As many others have said, if they are truly your friend, they will understand.
Have a Blessed Holiday Season!

L.,
Why dont' you ask if the gift can be hand made? or baked??.. .You can come up with some really creative ways to give gifts without spending a lot of money. There are lots of ideas on the web and in craft stores like Micheal's... If you did this for family as well, then maybe it could even out a little and you can attend the parties. It's amazing that you can get materials to make things for a fraction of the cost it takes to buy them already made. also, you could do an inexpensive gift basket with a cookie recipe in a jar and a small cookie sheet and an oven mit from the dollar store? use your imagination and I'm sure it will come out just fine:)
good luck and have fun.

The "oops I forgot" option is not good. Just be honest with your friends. So you aren't completely left out of the holiday season, perhaps you can pick one of the parties to attend instead of going to all of them, and breaking the bank, or not going to any. One good thing about this rough economy is that nearly all of the stores are holding good sales with decent markdowns. Hope you have a good holiday season. Take care.

L., Have you sugested the cut throat gift exchange, this is where you set a price (we keep it around $20.00, or a white elepahant where we have something at home , no buynig allowed)and draw numbers. One gift is only allowed to be taken up to 3 times max, if your gift is taken then you get to take a unwrapped one from the pile. This is a lot more fun then just exchanging gifts. We have been doing this with my inlaws for over 20 years and this is the highlight of the party. Not everyone brings a gift so there is no pressure, the ladies bring for the ladies and the men bring for the men. We have had some realy preaty hand made gifts in our pile.

One other sugestion is that you could sugest that every adult could bring an unwrapped toy for a child that dosn't have anything and you take them to your bank or donation site of choice. I always go to the Dollar Tree to buy a teddy bear to donate, they have hade in the past some nice 12 in. bears and nobody will ever know the difference. Here your family will go away feeling better for helping others, isn't that what the season is about?

Money is realy tight for a lot of people not just you. I personally have not been able to work due to a back injury for over a year and it is driving me crazy. This is the money that we usually use to buy our daughters Christmas gifts and extras and it is realy hard when you have to tell them no. But it is not what you have but how you spend the season and help others. We are wanting just to spend it together and with her father who works out of town, this is all that is important to us. I wish you the best of luck with just one little bit of advice more, a lot of the stores are offering online coupons, this has kept my head above water. C. B

Hi! I totally relate to your situation and I have chosen to attend the parties and opt out of the gift exchange. When it comes time for the gift exchange I just watch the others and get into the holiday spirit. If anyone asks, I tell them I don't need any more stuff as I try to live simply (which is true). The other thing my family has done is for everyone to buy presents for the kids, and my siblings and I put our names in a hat for a gift exchange so we don't have to buy so many adult presents. It really helps the xmas budget. Happy Holidays to You.

Talk with your friends. Chances are they really just want you and your family to come and enjoy the party. My family has been in the same boat as yours many years, and we also have some very affluent friends. Talking with them has always helped, and usually the gift exchange is no big deal - lots of times they have extra gifts ready for just such an occassion. Holidays are about being with the people we love. Finances should not interfere with that.

If you have enough to buy one small gift then you could re-gift the rest re-gifting is great!

Hi L.,

Boy, there are some great suggestions below that I think that I'll use as well! I just wanted to add (another) you're not alone in this. We are also pretty tight with our finances, but we are also not going to be buying a ton of gifts because we just choose not too. We do some gifts and gifts are great, but Christmas is really about focusing on the gift that we are to each other and the gift of life that Christ has given to us. Just remember that you and your family have been invited to all of these parties because the people who have invited you care about you and want to spend time with you. True friends will love and appreciate your heart in a gift no matter how expensive/inexpensive a gift is...I think that this is good for our kids to learn too. We live in a culture where it is soooo easy to focus on the material things. Material things are nice, but what truly matters is our relationships with our friends and families.

Bless you and early Merry Christmas! :)
J.

My first inclination would be to stay home. If they are really good friends then you can tell them. Also offering baby sitting or the likes is good.

Personally I find it hard to believe that parties are like that - but then again maybe I don't get out enough.