Christmas Dilemma- Update

Hi,

I think you should take her shopping and spend time with her. Buy her lunch FIRST and chat. Catch up and give her time to loosen up a bit. Then take her shopping. If she still has an attitude I would most definitely NOT get the iPod- and tell her you just don't have the money. See, I am all about surprise. Depending on how you feel afterward- I would buy it and not tell her about it. Then surprise her on x-mas if you feel she deserves it. If she cannot spend time with you without a bad attitude, then I would not buy her elaborate gifts even if you want to. She needs to learn to respect you. You are her mother!! Parents do bad things by trying to "buy" their children and it sounds like you are on the right track by not doing this! However, If you guys have a nice time, she is communicating frustrations with you (maybe about her step mom or dad or life in general) in a sincere manner and really needs her mom- then if you have the money I would buy it. But if she is demanding and cannot even hold a conversation with you, I would hold off and maybe buy it as a surprise. I would go with your gut.

But no matter what happens, I would try to get closer to her consistantly (not that you have not been doing this). She is at an age where she wants to be independant. Let her be, but she needs you more now that maybe she even knows. Step moms at an age like that are just horrible. I lived through it. It is not fun. I am sure you get bad mouthed a lot (???) and she is just trying to be a part of that family and is confused. Tell her you love her even if she is being mean. Try not to get too mad at her, because chances are she is being influenced and is trying to find her nitch with the other side of the family- and it is hard on her. If you are consistent and are her "rock", things will come together. Let her know that you are always there. Tell her you know how hard things must be. Geese better stop here...

Follow what is in your heart. Good luck. I know this must be so hard for you. :)

Oh my! I would be so upset about this. I would tell her you are still going out over a weekend and instead of driving her to the mall - drive her to a soup kitchen! Seriously, take her to volunteer at a place where she can see people are way less fortunate than herself. I wouldn't tell her ahead of time because then she won't go. I think that this would give her a realization at how ridiculous she is acting. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this - let us know what happens.

Hi MC

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Remember that loving your daughter is mandatory, but liking your daughter is optional. It's okay to admit that you don't necessarily like her right now. That doesn't make you a bad mother.

You could try letting her know that she is welcome to come for Christmas, but (like any other invitation) she can choose not to come this year if that will make her holidays more to her liking.

Hold her accountable to explain her behavior. Without condescension or judgement in your voice, ask her if she thinks she has treated you kindly or fair. Ask her if she would like to have her daughter talk to her as she has talked to you.

I am wondering if she may be bipolar. I know you don't need any more on your plate, but chemical imbalance-type problems tend to come out at puberty. If her Dad's seeing the same explosive (scene-creating) behavior from her, he might consider getting her tested.

Good Luck with everything.

D.

Wow...I too cannot believe children these days. I just wanted to say that you got some awesome comments. I loved the idea of taking her somewhere to see less fortunate ones, or to a homeless shelter or food kitchen. That way at leased she can see what people go through in person, whether she likes it or not. Maybe someday she will understand and appreciate this lesson you gave her.
As far as the IPod, no way. I would get her a small gift card to a general store or buy her one gift, but not that Ipod, you would be showing that her behavior is acceptable....and if you think you have a problem now, wait until she sees that she CAN get what she wants, OH BOY!!!
And I am so hoping that your ex will not turn around and buy that for her either because that would be the worst thing possible for this situation. I hope he can respect your decision and stick with it.
I would watch for better behavior and then when you see an improvement, buy her that ipod. It could be six months from now or longer, but hopefully she will change her behavior and then be rewarded for it.
Sending you a prayer that your holidays are enjoyable and that this situation has a resolution soon....
Take Care.

I am on my third round of 12 year olds, so I may be able to give you a little insight... As you know she is trying to play you, so do not become her pawn.. Your right, you are the adult, so play nice and make the best of the shopping day, unless she brings up her little tantrum, don't bring it up... Be the best that you can be and set a good example for her.. Do not however give in to her desire for the ipod, she has displayed by her behavior, she is not mature enough to handle that responsibility yet. As far as an appology, don't hold your breath, the only way to get one of those from a girl her age is to either branish her with Guilt or if she wants something bad enough. Good luck and Happy Holidays

I think that you should still spend the weekend with her, and take her shopping to pick out her gift, but no ipod.
When you are out together you should talk to her about how she has been acting, and how you will not tollerate it. Maybe there is something else going on in her life and she is taking it out on you and the lack of an ipod?
Remind her that you love her and are there to talk, but even if there is something going on it's no reason to be acting like this.
I hope things get better.
Have a happy Christmas

Personally? I'd skip the shopping trip, NOT get her the iPod for SURE, pick out a Christmas gift YOU want to get her (whatever that may be), tell her she can come for Christmas or not- it's her choice, and she can either like the present you got her or take it back later and use THAT money however she wants.

Sounds like she gets everything she wants all the time and maybe she shouldn't.

Also, maybe you should take her to a homeless shelter for some community service or something. She needs to realize how to appreciate what she has!

OMG!!! I have a 4.5 year old daughter and I can't even imagine this! I'm looking forward to hearing how you handle this one. I don't have any advice...just wanted to tell you to stay strong and be firm with her. I think I would start taking things away from my daughter at this point and giving them to kids who would appreciate them...but then again I don't have a 12 year old yet. All I know is, when my kids throw things around their rooms and don't take care of them properly, I grab a bag and start picking things up and telling them some other kids will appreciate what they don't...hopefully I am setting the ground work now so I don't have to deal with it when they are preteen.

Anyway, good luck to you. My heart goes out to you. God Bless.

I would definately talk to her about her behavior. Even tell her how it hurt you that she was so demanding and disrespectful. See how the talk goes and then decide on what you will be buying her for Christmas. If money is tight then she should understand that you can not afford an ipod right now, regardless of how many times you eat out. You don't have to explain your finances to a child/teenager. You should buy her what you feel she deserves, not what she pressures you into. You wouldn't buy her an ipod for getting f's in school. Christmas is not a free pass for stuff...
Good luck and keep us posted. Hang in there.

You know what this is so appauling! I don't know where kids get off these days...giving their parent ultimatums, I would be picking my teeth up if I did that when I was coming up! I was reared by my grandma, & "she didn't play", she could just give me a look & I would be TERRIFIED OUT OF MY SKIN! Does your daughter know that there are kids who aren't getting ANYTHING for CHRISTMAS??? Does she not know HOW TO APPRECIATE WHAT SHE DOES GET/HAVE??? What if you retaliated & got her nothing? What does your husband think? If she has that ATTITUDE, she would get NOTHING FROM ME! I would show her...KIDS???? I just don't get them! I got 1 doll 1 year, & I thought I hit the JACKPOT! I don't know, but I'd have to show her who's the boss, who clothes her, feeds her, nurtures her, aids her when she's ill & most importantly LOVES HER?????? Get a life! But ultimately the choice is yours!!! That's my 2 cents... God Bless! B. C

The best advice I can give you is this: You are right to feel that you don't want to reward her for her behavior. So what I would do is take her out, just you and her like you planned, talk with her, and maybe give her a smaller amount to spend. If she asks why, or throws a tantrum, tell her that Christmas is about family, NOT money/material things. She does have to learn eventually, and if it takes tough love, then so be it. And even if you didn't feel like doing anything for her for Christmas, it won't make you a Scrooge. You are simply a parent trying to make a point. Hope this helps.

I don't think I read your first post, but this second post has got me upset and i am so sorry you are going through all this. Continue to stay strong, I would suggest still taking her out for the weekend but I would not give in to the IPOD at all. Does her dad support your decision? Maybe talk to him again and see if he will support you - a united front will help, but if that is not an option then continue to stay strong. Kids have a way of making us feel really bad but eventually she should come around and see where you are coming from. it probably will not happen over night but do not give up, you seen like a great mom so I am sure some of your positive attitude has rubbed off on her. Maybe if you have any of her old toys laying around or old clothes you could gather some up and you both could take them to a shelter or a place where they are needed or maybe find a soup kitchen or a place where you could take your to volunteer for a few hours on your weekend maybe it'll help her realize how lucky she is. I have tried to do these things since my children were little.

i hope your holiday turns out to be everything you want.

Maybe you should volunteer her to pass food out at a soup kitchen or call a local church and have her help out at a food drive or something. I think she needs to learn to appreciate she has a home to live in, a family that loves her and wants to spend time with her and food to eat. My kids are very young and I already worry that they are going to learn that Christmas is all about presents and more presents. My son is only 3 and I had him help get cans out of the pantry and pick a toy out at the store and explained that some kids don't have toys to play with and we were going to give this stuff to another little boy that needed it more. Lets face it-our kids are growing up getting way more than we ever did and Christmas has lost it's meaning. Maybe even a drive thru Detroit will open up her eyes a little more...Good Luck. And personally I would not reward her with the ipod-just my opinion.

My apologies ahead of time if this is stupid (or repeated) advice. Just my best guesses.

Make an appointment with your daughter to have direct interaction in a comfortable environment. Start by reaffirming to her how much you love her. Then make a general statement that her behavior or attitude is not good for anyone (you or her), and that you want the two of you to solve the problem together. Then ask open-ended questions that allow your daughter to get off her chest whatever is troubling her. At first she will probably just try to blame you or other family members, and will say hurtful things. Prepare yourself ahead of time for this, and choose to not escalate with her. Hopefully after venting for a while, she will share some deep feelings. She might not be consciously aware of her true feelings until you help her reach them.

One session of this might not be enough. But keep reminding her that you love her, and that it is OK to have feelings, just not OK to act out negatively.

During a calmer moment, if she is mature enough, explain a bit about budgets (not necessarily exact dollar amounts), and how real love is not shown through expensive gifts, and the true meaning of Christmas. If these topics bring out arguments, let her know that you are truly listening to her opinion, and explain some more about life's realities or your own beliefs.

Depending on your family dynamic, maybe her dad should also be present at these talks, or your husband, or just you.

Hi,
I too am sorry you're going through this. I think your instincts are right, act like the parent and spend time with your child. She may be obnoxious at this moment but she will
get past it. Sometimes you have to talk the talk before you can walk the walk.Sounds like she's saying the right things as far as spending time with you. I think that's all you can hope for at this moment. But,I also agree with the others no ipod.
Hope that helps.
L.