Christmas Dilemma - Red River,NM

Oh boy, what a dilemma!! First of all, you setting down any rules while those kids' parents are right there is going to be like talking to a wall! I had a similar situation with my kids and their cousins; I just told my kids not to play with them and stick by me. Then when their parents asked why they didn't want to play, I simply told them because their kids are too violent. I found things to do with my kids - taking a walk or playing - it was a win-win situation for me; I got away from the in-laws and my husband could visit with his family.

As for going at all - you don't say anything about your family but it certainly doesn't sound fair that you'll be spending three in a row with your husband's family. Is your family planning anything? I would discuss the options with your husband. Maybe if he is adamant about going, you could rent a hotel room instead of staying with everyone else? For me, that would cut down on some of the stress!! If you do end up going, I would just look at it as a free vacation and make the best of a bad situation!!

Good luck!!

Sounds like your SIL has her hands full with a bad marriage and her kids are acting out (maybe because of that, and maybe because her husband is from a different culture and doesn't instill the same values in his sons as you would/do with yours, or some combination of the two). Does that mean that you should subject your son to constant battle during his Christmas holiday? No.

You've spent the past 2 Christmases with your in-laws already? How did that go? Do they live in the same town as you/were the other sibs there as well? Is there a reason they want to do this this year (a particular reason like an illness that might not have been disclosed, or some sort of big anniversary year, or someone is being sent overseas or something)? Or is this just the playing out of an assumption that your family will cater to what they want every Christmas from here until eternity?

Figure out where the truth lies in the answers to those questions and it will help you figure out what to do. And discuss this with your husband. Where does he stand on the issues with your son/the cousins? He can talk to your in-laws and explain that you would love to come BUT ____. Whether that means that he lays out for them that he expects the parents to discipline their boys better or whether it means that he is telling them up front that HE will step in and administer some consequences or whatever... is up to him/you. But you need to be on the same page about how to handle it.

Your son doesn't deserve to be bullied by his cousins. At the same time, men often will see boys' behavior like this as a pecking order sort of rite of passage, too. How does your son react to these situations? Does he stand up for himself? Or does he just take it? His response can go a long way towards putting an end to the bullying as well. He is 9, not 5.

I wish I could say "here's what to do" but there is just no way to do that from the outside.

Good luck.

Say to your husband that you will go only if HE sorts out the violent cousin issue. It's his family, I think he should deal with it.

If it was your Mother, YOUR family, would you want to go? I am guessing yes, and if so then you should understand your husbands position. We should always treat our inlaws the way we would our own parents because they are the parents of the one we love. I would never expect my husband to choose between spending the holidays with me or his family, I don't think that is fair to do to him. I would go, and I would be polite and nice, but I would also set my son up with some activities he can do alone (gaming tablet, good book, whatever) for when he does not want to play with his cousins, and I would observe the kids when they do play and keep an eye on them all.

I discipline my nieces & nephews just as I expect my BIL & SIL to do the same with my kids. It's a mutual respect we have for each other and expectations we have of our kids. Is that not normal for families? If not, I'm sorry and have no advice.

Your son should have a holiday without the stress of wondering if he's going to be whacked and thumped.

Does your husband really "get" that this is not just "boys will be boys" rough-housing but that the nephews are beating up his son? I bet your husband does not appreciate that fact or even has a "manly" attitude of "Well, it was just guy play that got out of hand." You need to set him straight.

It's not like this is the first holiday with his folks in forever. This would be the third year in a ROW of joint holidays. Maybe the hook that MIL and DIL are using is "This year all the adult kids will be together and they weren't in other years." That would not wash with me. I'd tell husband that (1) after two years of a joint family Christmas you are formally saying you expect to spend this one at your own home and/or seeing your side of the family and (2) he needs to wake up and man up about his nephews' behavior. Next time the family is together, an adult needs to be around the three boys at all times and call out these nephews the minute they lay a finger on your son. Fun? No, but necessary before they break a bone.

Sittiing the nephews down for a talk as soon as you arrive, by the way, would only result in their being so p***ed off at you for daring to act like you have authority that the would take it out on your son. I know. I've seen it. Unless these kids were used to having to obey you as the adult, they are going to ignore any "talking to" you or your husband could give them. It's sad but they probably are acting out because their home is not a happy one, but you have to protect your son and your sanity.

Christmas at home; then husband visits his parents, by himself, at another time. He can always say, "Oh, if I visit you in March, I can spend a lot more one on one time with you" and so on. Whatever. But you are never obliged to spend a holiday with anyone, anywhere. Don't cave to family emotional blackmail.

You've gotten a lot of good suggestions. There's no reason why you can't have your cake and eat it too. Our family re-calendars holidays, all of them so that they are more convenient for us. We have a quiet X-mas at home, and then another x-mas maybe the sunday before or afterwards with the whole lot. The same is true for Thanksgiving, Easter, New Years, birthdays, you name it.

Go and foster relationships with hubs family, accept the in-laws generous hospitality. Don't expect to make progress with disciplining the cousins, but just have a talk with your children explaining that they are to immediately withdraw and come to your side if ever the play gets uncomfortable.

That should put a stop to things before they escalate to anyone getting hurt.

F. B.

I would go, but do as you said- Walk in and have a talk with all three boys. Go in and set down some rules right off the bat, and set some firm consequences for all of them if those rules are broken. Hopefully you can some get input from the inlaws on what those consequences should be. Then there will be no surprises when you have to punish the children, esp if they won't help.

I think your husband should talk to his sibling about their children's behavior. I agree with the others who say to keep a close eye on your son and intervene when something happens, you cannot discipline other people's children. But you can make sure they know that their behavior is unacceptable and march them to their parents.
Spending time with family at the holidays should be loud and fun, but I know that unruly children and obnoxious adults can take the fun out of it.
I'm sure your husband knows your concerns and hopefully he shares them, so if things are still bad at Christmas hopefully he won't be sad the next time a family event happens.
You might also consider enrolling your son in martial arts. I have a 9 year old niece who is a first degree black belt and she handles herself just fine with a family full of boy cousins.

Hi, it doesn't sound like you made a decision "yet"? So I will weigh in with my two sense and try to help guide you with a solution that hopefully works for you and your hubby. Ultimately, at the end of the day that is WHO it has to please you and your husband!
You have not mentioned I noticed in either of your posts "where" he stands with "what" displeases you? I get, that he wants to spend time with his family and that obviously that is important to him and therefore it should be to you. Been married 26 yrs. now and I can tell you the first two maybe three years of our marriage when the holidays came it was STRESSFUL because we were trying to please both our families but NOT necessarily doing what would make our holidays less stressful therefore much happier. We did not have kids then, but we were running around going to both sides on their times frames and not really being able to enjoy it because we were always on their time frame. Anyway, my husband was the first to say, "this is crazy"! We are not going to do this anymore......so what we did was decide what would work best for us. So we decided one Thanksgiving we are with your family and the next with mine. With Christmas it just worked out that Christmas Eve we went to my Grandparents and Christmas morning with his family and Christmas evening with my family. It worked until we had children.....then I said it is easier if the families accommodate us since we have a baby now. So I started having Christmas brunch or early dinner and everyone including my SIL/BIL came to our house. In other words, both sides of the family came to our house. It was nice well it lasted and then we moved out of State. My point, through all of this is COMPROMISE which is vital in a marriage. You and your husband being on the same page and agreeing with what is going to work "best" for your family! Because that is what matters. What does your husband have to say about how his son is being treated? Ultimately, he is the one that is going to have to step in when it comes to his family. Because it does not seem that you have the respect or relationship with his family to get ANY results. Once your husband steps in then hopefully you will get them to notice and changes can be implemented. Plus, it will speak volumes to your son that Daddy cares too NOT just Mommy. I'm sure that your husband wants to protect your son. He needs to be made to see the importance and severity of it.
Of course, you want to honor and try to have a good relationship with your in-laws but NEVER at the expense of your marriage or your son's safety. That should be first and foremost! The answer I feel is getting your husband to hear your heart, face the facts, and you both agree to some boundaries!! BOUNDARIES and COMPROMISE are your answer! If this does not happen then guaranteed it will NOT get better but worse!! Then eventually hurt your marriage if it has not already. Sit and have a heart to heart with hubby and let him know how you feel and what you know in regards to your nephews and how they have treated his son, how your in-laws handle it, and pose to him "what do plan on doing about this if we go"? The compromise for me would be what he has to say and set a limit as to where you stay once there, how long you would be there etc...like for example I want us to stay in the hotel and enjoy our own Christmas Eve together as a family, shorten your stay, I want to come home on the 26th and have our own Christmas on the 27th with my Mom then....or something like that. How about establishing NOW I will do this again this year but I want to set something for the holidays from here on out that makes us and our children all happy : ) Hopefully this helps....

I would talk to my DH. Say that it is not as much fun as it looks. You spend the 4th of July with them and the cousins behaved poorly and mistreated your son. It won't be a very merry Christmas if the children are beating up on him. Remind him that your son got a welt and a messed up wrist.

If you haven't seen your family for a long time, perhaps it is time to see the other part of the family.

Or if you do go, can there be a compromise where you and your family stay somewhere else? My cousins have a cousin whose daughter bit my daughter and has pushed and shoved her at family events. I hate it when that child is there and if there is any extended visit, I make sure to keep an eagle eye on her and her brothers. I would NEVER go on vacation with them. If the other family members are just "boys will be boys" while your son is getting hurt, then you need to speak up. Am I correct that these children are older than your son?

I would tell your DH that you've spent 2 Christmases with his family and also that you had to play mediator with the children more recently. It may be time to change the tradition.

ETA: we also do an in-law's Christmas when it suits the lot of us. Much more relaxed.

Go. The kids are making memories they'll have the rest of their lives. BUT you cannot tell anyone else's kids anything. That's not your job. You can, however, decide to not allow your child to be alone with these other kids. Obviously they are perfect and your child is flawed...lol. They will only do face time with you then take it out on your child.

So don't, just don't let your son play alone with them. If you can't be in the room with them then say no and mean it.

Be sure and be very vocal that the next year you are having your own family Christmas and not joining any family activities. Make sure you say that all year then don't cave in.

go. Bring along one of your son's best friends or leave him home with your mom (it will be the best holiday to spend time with him, memories galore). let the family know that is your decision. if they don't agree, then they will be willing to negotiate rules/consequences that your son will have power over the 2 boys before you agree to bring him, as with getting permission to discipline the boys yourself. he is a "3rd wheel" and they are treating him as such.

Tough dilemma.

If you do decide to go, do not leave your son alone with his cousins, under any circumstances. They are bullying and assaulting him, and your son needs to know that you will not let these kids get away with it. If these 2 kids were your son's friends or neighbors, what would you do? I know it's very hard when family is involved, especially when family is not on the same page. But these kids are out of control, and they will very likely SERIOUSLY HURT your son if this keeps up.

Tough spot. I understand wanting to stay home but I can also understand wanting to spend it with family.

In this case, if the main reason you don't want to go is because of your son's safety, you can talk to your husband and compromise. You will try it this one last time IF he agrees with you to take turns to where your son is never without one of you there supervising to insure he is not hurt.

When you go, if the nephews do something and their parents are either not there or do not immediately step in, you handle it. Immediately interceded (if possible, say something when their hand is raised to strike rather than waiting for the actual contact). "Johnny, do not hit Joey again" and then have him come sit down next to you or walk with you while you take him to tell him mom what he did.