Children Won't Listen - LOL

Okay, first of all let me just say that this is my life!!! ha ha haaaa... my son is SOOOOO stubborn! And so is his older sister, but she is usually less trying and more obedient. Part of it is simply their age... there is a reason they are called terrible two's.... a the scary thing is that my son is only 21 months!

Anyway! Recent studies in discipline show that the very best way is to offer consistent POSITIVE feedback. You want them to get out of the negative cycle and get very accostumed to hearing the praise. They will get to crave it more and more, which makes them eager to please you! Just what we want. So start praising and gushing over all the smallest things!

Personal Note: I find the suggestions from Better Child in a Week to be horrid and neglectful and, in my considerable experience with Mental Health & Social Services, so would Child Protective Services. I don't recommend the gamble.

The Love and Logic approach would say that if you don't give her consequences until the 3rd time you tell her to do something, you are effectively training her that she does not need to do what you tell her until the 3rd warning. You have to tell her once, then take action (time out) when she doesn't listen to you. Do this every time and she will likely learn to listen to you the first time. This takes a lot of patience and consistency. Good luck!

Hi K.,
I am also a believer and struggle with spanking. I do have two resources that are life savers for me. Not sure if these have been referred yet since I did not read all your prior posts.

1. Love and Logic....showed me how to parent positively, giving specific strategies for specific scenarios....HUGE HELP.
2. Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.....great book but I feel the communication part of the book wasn't specific enough so I lean on the Love and Logic for this. The Rod part was the best I have read on....specifics on How, when, scriptures, etc....just totally changed my thought of it and experience. I do not have to do it much at all.....doing it the right way makes ALL the difference. Love and Logic also gives me real life type consequences too that have lessen the need for the rod which I think the communication part of his book was intended to do but I just did not find it specific enough.

These two together have given me more confidence in parenting and the ability to enjoy the kids again.

contrary to what people say, there is nothing wrong with spanking if it's done in the right way. Try praying about it to see where God will lead you. My mom didn't mind spanking us kids and I believe it made me stronger and more disciplined. I think many kids are way too wimpy with all the "political correctness" these day just because parents are too worried about their little angels "self esteem" or whatever garbage that is. Don't get me wrong, boosting a child's self worth is one our most important jobs as a parent, but so is discipline and letting the child know the parents are the boss and not them.
Also, I've found standing in the corner to work, making them stay in their room with absolutely nothing to do, or just taking away their favorite things. Good luck and God bless.

Get quieter. You have inadvertently trained her to "rely on the fact" that she can safely ignore you until the third (and louder) command. Which may also mean that she has inadvertently "trained" you to give her three chances before she has to act.

Upset the routine. Go quiet on her, speaking softly, and backing it up with instant action when you don't get the response you demand. She'll get it, quickly... when it costs her something she really wants. Get a number system in place if that seems to work, 1, 2, 3 (since she likes the number three already...just have it on your own terms, (it does work well with some kids,) IF you are very consistent, and determine a consequence she doesn't want(time out, naughty place (a la SuperNanny), losing something she really treasures for a set period of time, etc.) and then stick to it, no matter how much she tests you or tries to wear you down in order to reestablish control. No drama, just implacable ol' mom, can't "work her anymore", "what am I going to do now that I can't push her buttons?"

Think about what the Dog Whisperer Cesar Milano says about being the "pack leader" to his dogs...that when a dog feels/sees you're not a competent pack leader, he/she feels a need to become the pack leader him/herself, and will take control until you wrest it back. "Calm, assertive discipline" is his watchword. Check it out. I was amazed at how appropriate much of what he says applies to young children as well, who at that age are in full-time training mode, needing to explore, test, but learn HOW to interact with others, including you and the siblings.

Verbalize that you admire and regard a girl when you
"catch one of them doing something right", so that she sees this, sees what good behavior earns, gets the idea that being obedient is better than getting attention by being bad. She gets more of you by being bad right now, and for many kids, negative behavior must of necessity pull the attention away from the good children. It works for them even if it carries negative consequences. Weird kids, those high energy ones! LOL.

So change the paradigm, be unpredictable for a time to get her attention again, and then settle into a deadly- consistent routine that takes the "control" back, putting you into the driver's seat again. Remind yourself daily, "I am the adult! She is the child!" Kids can be SO creative in getting needs met that it can bamboozle you. YOU have to be the pack leader. Calm, assertive discipline, exercise, THEN affection...remember Cesar!
Best wishes!

Hello!

I have one of those too. God's way also says ,"spare the rod then spoil the child" as well. Mom, there is nothing wrong with ducipline a child, especially when the behavior could cause bodily harm.

I remember so well being in the same boat when our girls were little. I received a pamphlet called "Under Loving Command" by Al & Pat Fabrizio (just google it). It's a very biblical, no-nonsense approach to discipling your children -- and yourself -- to obey.

One thing I remember is that we train our children not to listen to us because we give them the 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance until we finally get so frustrated that we yell or lash out. That's not really the best way as you have seen. As I recall, the steps to get a child to obey are:
(1) make sure you have their attention -- get eye to eye
(2) make your request or tell them what to do in a calm voice
(3) assume they will obey
(4) have definite, swift consequences if they do not immediately obey
(5) thank them for obeying
REPEAT the process with every request. The whole thing hinges on your being consistent and acting/reacting the same every time! I can't say that I ever completely mastered it, but I'm sure it helped keep me on the right track.

Good luck and remember you are the parent and must train them to be obedient! God bless.

Hi K.,

I HIghly recommend the 'Love and Logic' series of books. I have a nearly 3 year old who I've been using these methods with since she was 1 and it works like a charm (with an exception here and there - she is human and so am I). They have a book for the early childhood years and their first book was for the 6 and over crowd.

Hope that helps,
E.

Logically, disciplining all three kids the same way makes sense. But realistically, you have 3 kids with different personalities, esp. your younger twin. I'd suggest, just get comfortable with disciplining them differently. By that, I mean, have the same expectations for all of them, but discipline them in a way that works. My "high-spirited" child never cared about spanking. And raising my voice only caused him to yell back at me, only louder. The thing that worked for me was to have special one-on-one time every day, and if he misbehaved then I would mention that he's in danger of losing that time (or a portion of it). He so values that time, so he doesn't want to lose it. Also, I do not lose my temper with him - or at least try not to. It's a power struggle thing. He sees me get upset and suddenly he knows that he's gotten my attention (a.k.a. exactly what he wants). Right now I'm reading a great book called "Taming the Spirited Child". It has a lot of awesome advice and perspective. GOod Luck!

I LOVE the book 1,2,3 Magic. I reread it multiple times when I needed an extra dose of support. I always felt better armed to face parenting situations after I had read it. It is in paperback, red cover. Sounds like it would be perfect for you. Good luck!

I only skimmed the responses so I may be repeating someone but it sounds like you have an active/explorer/independent soul! I have two of those. :) The best way to get compliance, I've found, is to be just as active. Meaning, instead of calling her repeatedly, go get her and bring her to where you want while saying what you need from her. Some kids (and especially at her age) need physical cues rather than verbal ones to know what is the appropriate response. Does that make sense?

Also, remove any other distractions. For example, with respect to dressing her, make sure you are in a space without tv, siblings playing, anything that would take her focus away.

I know you were looking for something for all 3 of your kiddos but sometimes different personalities need different parenting styles.

Books that I love: Love and Logic, How to Talk so Kids Listen and Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

Wishing you all the best! It does get tiring but it's so worth it. ;)

Okay, I'm a child from a different generation where what the parent said went and you jumped and asked no questions as to "why". You have to get the kids' attention and let them know you are in charge and what you say goes otherwise they will not listen. When my kids were little, I would tell them some once, wait a bit and repeat it in case they didn't hear me. The third time there were mine and were dealt with corner or spanking. After a while it was like okay you guys are getting too (-), do I need to get the spoon? They would straigten and and do something different. I called it baseball, strike one, strike two and strike your mine. They are well adjusted (36 and 32)and glad that I did what I did as they can see what other children act like that were "Dr. Spocked" kids = "Now, Billy, I have told you for the 14th time to ---". Yikes. Sorry to be so blunt but time is of the essence and you shouldn't have to run and chase a child in the parking lot. What if you couldn't catch him/her and a car did? Get the harness or back thingie and you use it - like them scream if they must but at least they are safe. My son did this once when I was pregnant and it took me a good half hour to find him in a shopping mall between two sets of doors to the outside and it was not a pretty picture and the worry on my face and no one spoke English so that didn't help. Off my soapbox now. The other S..

I agree with the previous posters - Love and Logic is a great tool to use with your children. Our daughter is almost four and we've been using it with her since she was about 18 months. We still have our rough days, but for the most part we have a well behaved child that understands actions & consequences. I've recently started re-reading the book, because I've noticed that I've gotten off track a bit lately. I highly recommend this book.

My first thought is that you are certainly not past baby proofing if it is needed. Do kids need to learn to obey..sure! But, it is our job to recognize that some children are more impulsive, so we must protect them first! Cover your light sockets..period! Put up a gate if you need to. If she is running in the parking lot (like my 3 year old will do) then she has 2 options. She can go from the car seat to another seat, like the stroller or the cart, or she can walk with one of those little back packs on. I have 5 kids, so I have to do things as a preemptive strike. I cant go running after my 3 year old, when I have a 3 month old and 2 year old in the stroller. They are just impulsive right now, not deliberately naughty. As far as listening the first time, I have that struggle too, but realize that it is my fault. Like has been said, if I dont enforce the consequence until the 3rd warning, they dont feel threatened until then. Dr. Phil once said that if they can respond after the number 3 (when you are counting before the consequence is laid down!) then they can respond at the first command. We want to give them chances to listen in order to avoid punishment. It feels like we would be punishing them all day, but it might be like that for just a few days, and then they would get it:) We all struggle with the same things, and especially when we have a "spirited child". Good luck! ~A.~

It is called selective hearing and unless you get a handle on it now....no wait, my husband also has it! Find the 21 Rules for the House; (homeschool conventions have it) use spanking for deliberate rebellion; and pray daily blessings upon them and your husband.

It sounds like we are in similar boats. I have a 6 year old boy that is easy going and mellow and a nearly 2 year old girl that is a holy terror. I do the same thing..call her name and ask her to come a million times. But of course, she never does. Instead of yelling or getting a mean voice, I act like a lion and growl at her and then she comes running to me. I have NO idea why she comes to a growling lion, but she does. So..that's just what I do. I don't want to use the "mean" voice for regular every day "come heres".

-L.