Childhood Independence

Your family would think I’m a slave driver if they think 7 y/o is too young to be getting their own snack =-)

My 5 y/o is very independent and can do almost everything on his own except cook his own meals! He evens helps me with laundry and taking out the trash.

It seems that your family still sees your 7 y/o as a “baby” but grandparents are known for spoiling their grandchildren. My Mom still feels the need to constantly give me advice and it is always the opposite of how I am doing things. For example, my Mom would say the same thing about how I let my kids do too much BUT if I didn’t let them then she would say “You need to teach your kids to be more independent!” Sometimes I feel like I can’t win! LOL! They just want to feel that their opinion still matters about how to raise children I think.

You’re teaching your 7 year old very important life lessons! Keep up the good work!

9 moms found this helpful

The kind of 'independence' you are teaching your daughter, I think, is good because it gives her confidence a sense of what she CAN do all by herself. Dependency on adults for things kids can do themselves, in my view, is more of a reflection on the adults need to be needed. It is a control thing and I'm not sure it's good for young girls (especially young girls) to feel dependent upon others for simple things.

I've always been fairly independent and it makes me feel safe about the things I can control because there are plenty of things to feel worried about that are out of my control. I think this is true for kids too. I am happy to hear you have realistic and high expectations for your little girl! This will help her in many areas of her life beyond getting her own snacks.

I remember several years back one of my friends called me at 1am (she was 31 and I was 32 years of age). She lived by herself, as did I, and her fire alarm kept chirping. She didn't know what to do and had spent a couple of hours worried before she called me. Of course she just needed to replace the battery. To which she asked "how do I do that?". So I told her how (get a chair to stand on, twist the cap off, remove the battery, replace, put the lid back on)...not rocket science! She actually expressed to me that she wasn't sure she could do that by herself! At this point I told her she would have to just listen to it and hope for no fire and goodnight.

IF we don't instill some form of independence in our children from the start (realistic of course and not to exploit them either) I think we are doing them a real disservice.

These are just my thoughts, but I think what you are doing with your little girl is wonderful and I hope you keep it up, letting her know all of the things she can do instead of all the things she can't do! It will benefit her sense of self, relationships, education, future career...the list goes on!

8 moms found this helpful

I think it sounds like you are doing fine. At 7 she can do all of that. She can make her bed, bathe herself, do her own homework.. There are lots of things an intelligent independent child can and should do on their own at that age..

They probably see her still as a baby./. You know how older people can be.

8 moms found this helpful

I think our society coddles children too long. Children can do way more than we give them credit for. I think it is great that you are teaching your daughter to do things. I'm not all for "independence" as I think we all need each other in our families, and I don't like the concept of independence in that context. But, for working and doing things for themselves, I think it is great! It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up!

7 moms found this helpful

No, you are not wrong in fostering independence in your children. My kids have been encouraged from infancy to do things for themselves as they develop the skills to do so. My one year old gets out her own diaper when she wants to be changed. My 3 year old gets her own snacks, picks out her own clothes & dresses herself, etc. My 4 year old gets her own snacks and drinks, can change the channel on the tv, gets her own dvd out of the movie cabinet, buckles her own car seat, etc.

If you always do everything for your children instead of giving them the skills to do it for themselves you are doing them a great disservice. Can you even imagine what kind of adults they would grow up to be if they had never been required to do anything for themselves?

7 moms found this helpful

You're right, there is no right answer for every child or every home situation, but sounds like you've hit a good balance.

My almost-5 grandson has been getting his own cups of water for many months now, and will fill others' glasses as a favor, which he loves doing. If he could safely reach the milk carton in the fridge, he'd reasonably be expected to get that, too.

Many snacks are still under parental control, however, to be sure he doesn't eat too much of the wrong stuff or wreck his appetite before meals. But it won't be much longer before he'll understand the rules and have the skills to take control of quite a few of his own needs.

Sounds like you're doing great in this area. I'd just thank the relatives kindly for their concern, and do what feel right and reasonable. A line I have enjoyed using is, "Thanks, I'm sure you mean well!" in a sincere and friendly voice. And I am sincere, because they do mean well. But it gives them pause sometimes….

Added: Laurie A has noted that extended family may still see her as a baby. She's probably right. Especially relatives who only see her once in awhile – it's shocking sometimes how kids keep on growing up even when we're not looking. They haven't watched your daughter's day-by-day growth and maturation the way you have.

7 moms found this helpful

My kids are 5 and 6, and have been doing what they can for themselves since forever. At 2 when they could dress themselves, they did, now they help clean, get their own snacks, even help with the laundry and vacuuming. It is good for kids to have responsibility and to know that mom is not a maid or a servant. Your job is not to wait on her hand and foot, but to raise a well rounded and independent young woman, and it sounds like she is on her way :)

7 moms found this helpful

I don't think kids should be waited on hand and foot. Especially at 7.
I'm a single mom and my kids knew how to do lots of things for themselves out of necessity. It didn't hurt them one bit.
I don't know....even when I was home I wanted to be able to trust that they could do things like use the microwave, turn on the dryer to fluff their clothes if they didn't get taken out the night before. Heck, they knew how to use the washer and dryer and dishwasher at that age. It's not that I made them do it all the time, but they certainly knew how and as far as getting their own snacks and drinks, beyond asking my permission, they could do it by themselves.
That's not to say I NEVER fixed their plates or offered to get them something if I was in the kitchen anyway, but I let them do lots of things.

You aren't making your daughter overly independent. I don't know your family, but if she expected you to get and do everything for her, they might have comments about that too.

Don't worry too much.
You sound like an awesome mom.

Best wishes!

6 moms found this helpful

I too am of the legion of slave drivers on this site!!! LOL

My son has been doing things for himself since about 3 years old when he realized he could get his own snacks and such. He also picked up his toys and put his laundry in the hamper. Now, at 14, he does his own laundry, does the dishes (we do not have a dishwasher), mows the lawn, takes care of the dogs, and helps with the general housework - I hate to mop and he doesn't mind that chore.

Since there is only the two of us we basically split the chores. I don't think there is anything wrong with children learning to do for themselves. However, I have often been chided for being "too hard on him". I just smile and nod and explain that I am ensuring he helps out my future daughter-in-law.

6 moms found this helpful

Well... I'm another slave driver, apparently. My son has been getting his own snacks since he was 2, doing his own laundry and dishes since 3, has been getting himself up/showered/dressed/fed in the mornings for 1.5 years (while I get to sleep an extra hour :D, he'll even get me breakfast 1/2 the time)... and has been helping me cook since he was able to stir a spoon in a bowl and tear lettuce and pour (1ish). ((We skipped "play food" and "play cleaning" and just did REAL food and cleaning... guess what? Equally fun and eminently more useful))

On the upside... I have a super happy 8yo "slave" / "member of the family". We HELP each other in our family. We laugh, we play music, we read, we clean, we cook... we do things together. I don't keep my son from doing what he is more than capable of doing. Though I'll often do them for him, he also does things for me that I'm more than capable of doing.

It's the whole "increased levels of responsibility" thing + helping the people that we love thing = we all do our own part and help others with theirs as needed or as a treat.

5 moms found this helpful

At 7 she should be able to get herself drink and snack assuming they are in a safe place and the drink is easy in reach/not heavy. My 3 kids are almost 10, 8, and 6 and they all do these things for themselves, as they get older you want them to be more independent.

5 moms found this helpful

In my opinion, if they _can_ do it, then they probably should do it. So if your daughter can pick out her own clothes, get her own snacks, brush her own teeth etc etc then there's no reason why she shouldn't do it. It's only a problem if you're asking them to do something on their own that they're not going to be able to do well, or isn't safe for them to do, even if they try.

5 moms found this helpful

My kids started getting their own snacks and drinks since about 2 or 3 when they realized it was quicker than waiting on mom. lol My youngest daughter started making peanut butter sandwiches for herself at 3. lol I was in the kitchen cleaning and she came in and said she was hungry and just got started on it... :) I think you're doing a great job and there is nothing wrong with them doing things for themselves.

5 moms found this helpful

LOL - oh dear, how can she find the fridge or cabinet on her own? And the drink boxes are SOOOO heavy! The horror! Some people are really wierd, aren't they. The more independent she is, the better off she'll be - she knows how to take care of herself. It's not like you expected her to cook a 3 course meal. You're doing fine.

5 moms found this helpful

No your doing a fine job ! My children were all getting their own things at 7. At 12 mine did their own laundry, shoveled snow, weeding , doing dishes, vacuuming, they also got a nice allowance at the end of the week. I do a lot for them also.

When I was growing up my dad did everything for me. I never had to lift a finger in our house. I did try to help but he always stepped in and took over what ever I was doing. I was treated like a princess!

Now that I have been married forever, I do not know how parents did it all. I remember them being always tired! I did change once I was on my own. I like doing a lot. But I do make everyone pitch in.

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Well, my 4 7 5 year olds, do for themselves as well as help carry & put away groceries. My 5 year old makes toast on her own and there isn't an egg that gets cracked in this house unless she is doing it! That is her chore for sure. they feed the animals daily almost on their own, but I pull the lid off the wet food still. she has even of her own accord washed an entire load of dishes & loaded them into the dish washer on her own, this was two fold reason, one I looked like I could use the help and she really wanted to go to the movies the next day. LOL. The more independent the better, I say. Good Job.

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I think its entirely appropriate for a 7 year old to get her own snacks or drinks.

4 moms found this helpful

My bff has always shown her kids how to do things for themselves all along. she thinks I don't let my grand kids have enough independence. She taught hers how to "read" the symbols on the microwave years ago so they could pop popcorn. It had a picture of a big bag, a little bag, and something else to signify a single. They also knew how to make cheese tortilla's, etc...I thought she was nuts to let the kids in the kitchen until they were much older. But anyway, at 3 and 5 they could go in an get something for themselves if they were hungry.

I keep chocolate milk made up in tippy cups in the fridge and individual Dora yogurts, etc...so the kids can get something if they want it too.

4 moms found this helpful

In our house, who ever is up offers to get snacks/drinks for anyone who wants something. My husband, my son, myself - we all serve each other when the opportunity presents itself.
When I was out on my own (job and apartment), I went with my fiance (now husband) on vacation to visit some family on the west coast. My Mom was visiting at the same time and we all went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. There was a special on steak and most of us ordered it. I'm sitting next to my Mom and the food arrives and she reaches over and cuts up my meat for me. When she finished I smiled and told her "Thanks, Mom! And oh, by the way - I'm 26.". She laughed and said old habits die hard.
A lot of the time, serving is less about fetching something for someone and more about heading off a potential mess in the kitchen. My son can fend for himself in our own home (he knows what's breakable and what isn't), but in anyone else s home, I'll tend to get something for him.

3 moms found this helpful

I truely believe doing everything for your child is a huge dis-service to that child! My son will be 4 next week and he already sets the table, clears his plate, gets dressed by himself, and anything else I feel he is capable of.

The more responcibility (to an extent) will make your child feel smart, capable, and that you believe they are capable of things. Also stress independanc and ingenuity. For example- my sons shoes are too high for him to reach and I asked him to get his own shoes- without me telling him, he figured out to get a stool and get the shoes! That's smart thinking!

Make sure to praise her or reward actions. Keep up the good work!

3 moms found this helpful

I make my 4 and 5 year old get their own drinks and snacks! Doing things independently helps foster self confidence in kids, and quite frankly, if she can safely do it, why shouldn't she? My guess is that she feels big and grown up doing things on her own. She is learning self reliance and gaining confidence - I don't see the bad in it.

3 moms found this helpful

OMG - your family would think I am a HORRIBLE mom. When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter I was on bedrest. My middle daughter was 18months and I was at home (long story lol) anyway, at 18mo my daughter would climb out her pack-n-play, which was next to my bed and get the bowl of grapes and sippy cup out of the mini fridge (which was also next to the bed) at snack time since Daddy was at work and Big Sissy at school :)

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I have a 2-, 3-, and 4-, almost 5-year-old. All 3 of my children do things on their own. The 2-year-old is obviously assisted with more, but they all go into the fridge to get their own juice boxes/water bottles. They are all given the opportunity to open their own snacks. They pick out their own clothes and to some extent dress themselves. In school, their teachers make them ask their classmates for assistance with minor things and only help when the other children are unable to do it.

I do not think you are doing anything wrong. You are helping your 7-year-old gain independence. That is a trait many people, both women and men, lack in this day and age. Good job, Mom!

2 moms found this helpful

They'd think I was aweful, my 5 yr old is made to get his own snacks.

Updated

They'd think I was aweful, my 5 yr old is made to get his own snacks.

2 moms found this helpful

You are doing the right thing-keep it up. I never realized how much I did for my boys until a teacher pointed out that my son doesn't even hang up his bookbag! I was doing everything for him and it was just out of habit. I am really working on making him do a lot by himself now...not an easy habit to break him of either!

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds like you got some great "answers"..independence is a GOOD thing! I wish I could get my 4 year old to do ore on his own..but now with a 4 day old baby he is reverting. I expected this a little bit but wasn't ready for the "mommy, I can't do it" s already! You are a lucky mom to be raising such an independent little girl..good for you!

2 moms found this helpful

She SHOULD be doing that for herself! I taught both my girls how to do most things themselves (Montessori Way) and they are so proud of themselves and don't have to bother you every five seconds. Why baby a child? That is not the real world. Both my girls did their own laundry when each turned 10 and I have never done it for them again all these years (21, 16). They HAVE to be responsible for their things so they appreciate them. You are on the right track because when I compare the kids of the parents who babied them to my own, I see completely different outcomes!

1 mom found this helpful

Geez, if our parents and grandparents didn't have something to say about how WE parent our kids, what would they do? LOL! I think they really just need to feel like we still NEED them, so it's their way to have some input, since you sound like you are doing a great job on your own. My 7 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son LOVE to do things around the house to "help" out like carry in groceries, cook dinner with me, dust, vaccuum, sweep, empty the trash in the bathrooms, carry out the trash to the garage, etc. They even like to clean the bathrooms, (which I obviously supervise because of the chemicals involved) Here is the big difference too, my 2 kids, are "special needs kids". My little boy more so than his sister, but still both of them to varying degrees. You have NO IDEA how much doing these things helps to boost their confidence. They feed the dogs and make sure they have water, make their beds, get their own drinks unless it is from a very full milk container or a similar container that may be spilled. (even then, I would rather clean a little spill than destroy their feeling of independance) When I say they can have a snack, I sometimes allow them to get it themselves if it is in a cabinet that they can reach without any problems. On holidays when all of the appetizers and snacks are out, they load up their plates all by themselves. It's part of the fun for them. Why take that away! If we have a dinner with all of the food on the table and we are serving ourselves from there and not the stove, they load their own plates because they actually EAT better of they put the food on their own plates. Silly, but so true. They pick their own outfits for the next day, and take their own showers / wash their own hair. (I check it after to make sure it is all rinsed, but at this point they are real pros) I even let my 7 yr old style her own hair and sometimes she comes up with a few pretty odd styles, but then the next day other girls will wear their hair to school the same way. I certainly do try to pick my battles. With all that I have to do in a long and tedious day, why not let them help out and do the things that they can do and WANT to do? The schools make them 100% responsible for their homework and classwork, as far as writing it down and turning it all in. No reminders anymore. They should be able to do it now by themselves at this point. I have them show the planners to me when they come home from school in case I have any notes, etc., and then they do the homework and it's all up to them. I check to make sure they did it all, but never correct anything. That way the teachers know what they understand and what they don't. So far, my 7 yr old has been on honor roll/ principal's list and my 9 yr old son has gone from all a's and b's with the exception of a D in math to now having all a's and B's.... even in math!! I couldn't be a prouder Mom. i have 2 older daughters who I did this with as well who are 17 and 20 yrs old now, and it worked very well with them too. They are both wonderful and organized young ladies, and they amaze me on a daily basis. This is the way to raise a child in my opinion. I have a Mom who doted on me to a fault, who actually still comes over and will go into my kitchen to make me a sandwich if she thinks I have not eaten lunch yet. (even if I tell her I am not hungry) It's so funny. She does the dishes for me if there are any in my sink, and if I leave any unfolded laundry in a basket laying around, well it is folded in no time flat. Funny thing is I end up refolding it because we fold things differently now, so I just thank her and do it after she leaves. I know that she means well, and has a wonderful and loving heart, so I don't ever want to rock the boat. It's not an insult but her way of staying in my life and showing that she cares. I would much rather just sit and visit with her, but she has a hard time doing that. I believe that she must have done something right in raising me, because I am very happy with the wife and Mom that I am turning into on most days. (some days not so much, but I think we all have those days, right?) Stick to your guns on this one Momma, you are not "ruining" your child or being too strict. As long as you give her age appropriate
"chores" and activities to do, she will only benefit from them, and some day will thank you for preparing her for the world on her own. I highly doubt that she will ever be able to afford a maid and personal assistant when she grows up, so she will need to know how to do this stuff. Why not learn now when the kids still think this is all "fun". When they become teens, it's not as easy to get them to do what you want. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with your instincts. I have a 4 year old daughter and she is already picking up her room, putting things away neatly, bringing her laundry to the laundry room, although she cannot make her own snacks she can get into the refrigerator and get a applesauce snack, get her spoon and open it on her own. I put her art/crafts where she can reach. . .while I cook dinner she brings her own art out and will have a beautiful picture drawn while I am cooking. She wants to help with cooking so she's allowed to mix sauces or pancake mix with her own whisk. . .I see so much development and pride that she is "doing it herself". . .confidence building too! So many opinions from our family--stick to what works for you. . .keep up the good work and always challenge your daughter with chores, crafts, snack making. . .it is how we all learned to multi-task and become effective women!! No need to argue with the family--it never gets you anywhere. . .they come for one day--you can tolerate and appreciate their opinions for that short period of time. Good luck and God Bless!

H. Ulrich

1 mom found this helpful

OMG they would think Im horrible then by making my kids wash & fold their own laundry at 11 yrs old. I got tired of washing them only to find them on the floor or behind dressers so I said enough. Mine are now grown adults who can take care of themselves if need be. By doing everything for your child you are creating a very dependent adult who will suffer greatly in life. Good job keep doing what you're doing!

1 mom found this helpful

This may have been said before, but, Maria Montessori was an educator that said, "do not do for the child what the child can do for themselves", or something like that. Children are very capable of doing simple tasks at a very young age and feel proud after doing so. Good for you that you are teaching your children to be productive. You might enjoy a book about the Montessori way of educating children. :)