Child with Anxiety and New Situations

hi L....i just got done reading a newsletter from Akron Childrens hospital yesterday..and they were actually talking about "night Terrors" and other sleep related problems. They said that night terrors typically start around the age of 5-6 yrs old , and you should not try and wake them, becuz it prolongs the "dream". i just wanted to let ya know..so the night terrors, altho very upsetting, arte at least a normal thing. GL

If it were me I would start with a psychologist, and see what the tell you and then on to the psychiatrist for meds. There is certainly no shame in your feelings as if more people would seek help from theses Dr's, and therapists the world would be much better off.
I will be thinking of you.

Hi L....it sure sounds like both you and your daughter are going through a lot...my thoughts are with you. I too suffer from a history of anxiety, but now have it well controlled....With that said; I am married to a psychologist!..lol. Just would like to share a few words...use them as you wish :o)

I think there is definitely a role for "therapists"....however they also have their limitations. You need to figure out if the meetings your child is having with the therapist are helping her and you. Usually some "homework" is assigned and you should be seeing "some improvements". If you feel like not much has worked and still come home feeling desperate, it may be helpful to find someone with different expertise. A child psychologist would be beneficial in offering what is called "cognitive behavioral therapy" for her..basically offering both of you ways in which she can help her growing little thought processes on how she views the world....also ways in which she can recognize and manage her own anxiety. I also have a friend who has a child who suffers from anxiety and severe night terrors. She started her child in weekly therapy about 6 months ago...it has been a difficult routine to stick to, however the changes in her child have been dramatic. It has positively affected the whole family..

just some thoughts...the best of luck to you and your little one..take care...

You are going to have to ask yourself what kind of mom YOU want to be. She will feed off of it.
My daughter had the night terrors and it was really tough on me but find out what works for you. I found not trying to wake her up but rather singing was soothing to her.

If your daughter becomes hysterical over not winning a prize that isn't anxiety that's spoiled. If you give her toys and ice cream you are encouraging her to take her negative feelings(that we all have) and focus on them and blow them out of the water. You've rewarded her for being hysterical.
My daughter did a similar thing about not winning or being as good as the other kids and cried. I sat with her, listened for a short while to make sure I understood and then told her that was life. You cannot always win and you cannot always lose. Then I told her it was OK to be sad or dissapointed and if she needed a good cry she could go to her room and cry until she was done. I made it clear it wasn't a punishment that was just a good place to have a good cry. You can say things like, "It's OK to feel sad or OK to cry BUT it isn't OK to cry like that while at Bible school. People will think you are hurt and you'll scare them and you miss out on the fun" also "I was gong to take you for icecream but you're obviously too upset, don't worry, we'll go another time with you aren't so worked up, maybe tomorrow".

If you suffer from anxiety too, you may be projecting on to her and it is a learned behavior for her. My MIL has anxiety issues and when my daughters get upset she gets worked up which makes it harder to calm them down. Kids emotions are raw and they interpret and feed off of us.

Remember when your 2yr old would fall down and look at you to see if they were hurt... they'd shake it off or wail depending on your reaction? It's the same thing with emotions as they get older.

My son has anxiety problems also, he is seeing a psychiatrist. He worked with a student psychologist last school year at school, and the month of intervent helped a lot. The child psychiatrist he is seeing now is bascially continuing the same treatment. I agree with them. The children of this age don't need medication, they need guidance on how to deal with their stress in a proper manner and their parents need guidance on how to encourage proper reaction to the stress verses breakdowns. I talked to my ped. and she gave me a few names. They have asked who my referring doctor is so you probably have to go through the ped. to get to one, but I think we have made HUGE strides in just a couple visits!!

L.,
I have a son 7 who has been diagnosed with separation anxiety. He is also ADHD. We have him seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. We have both for different reasons. Psychiatrist to manage his medication. His pediatrician just isn't doing the job! I would suggest you get her in to see someone. And I would lean towards a psychiatrist! Hope this helps you a bit.

I think it is HUGE that you prepare your child for every new experience. Talk about what is going to happen and cover things that might happen. Ask her how she thinks she will feel and how she will react to each situation. Once she tells you how she will react, give praise if it is proper or guide her on how it would be better for her to act.

Parents have a big job. It is too prepare our little people to grow into big people. Fostering unrealistic expectations will only make things harder for her in her future. It sounds like you were prepared with a toy after the 2nd day. However, did you explain to her before you dropped her off that she would NOT receive another prize at the end, but someone else would. She had experienced getting a prize at the end, did not understand that things would not end in the same manner (which is how your preparing her would have helped).

You could have even told her that MOMMY was going to have a special surprise for her at the end. Tell her you are so proud that she is such a big girl now and you had special plans afterward; however, she should enjoy her time at VBS, because that is important too.

It is also important that our children do not learn to take things for granted. Going out to eat should be a treat, going to VBS is a treat, going to the store and taking the time to look over the toys and still not get anything is still a treat because this is a great opportunity to learn wish lists.

It is important to remember, that you have to be cautious that you don't overdo the splurging. Children cannot be rewarded everyday for every action. I want to reiterate that she needs to be prepared that the VBS IS the reward. She gets to be with new friends, do crafts, and learn.

Another point that I feel strongly about, we NEED to teach our children to be good winners and good losers. No one likes an "in your face" person when they win (normal excitement - yes, ridiculous rubbing another person's nose into it - no). No one likes a poor loser, you child kinda ruined the big moment for the prize winner that day.

Teach your child some games (at 5 she can do things like Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Memory, Old Maid, Go Fish, and MUCH MORE. These are fantastic ways to spend time with your child and helps stimulate their intellect. You be a gracious winner when you win (do NOT allow your child to win all the time!) and a gracious loser when you lose. Your reaction will determine her reactions.

One final thought, I worry that your child will grow up to feel as if she is a failure, no matter how well she does. She has to be prepared that she will NOT always get A+ grades, be the leader, be the teacher's helper for the day, be first in line, be the one that everyone wants to play with, and tons of situations that she will experience.

It is how she handles these things will determine who she is and who she will become. You do not want to set her up to feel as if she has failed, is a failure or she might eventually have such a great melt down that she just doesn't feel as if life is worth living. It is POSSIBLE, because kids (more so once they become pre-teens with the hormones bouncing around in their little body) have a very high suicide rate. I do not wish to alarm you, but I do want you to realize what a great impact this could be for her, regardless of the true importance that we put onto the situation (cut and dried - she didn't win a prize, but looking from her side - she failed her craft, didn't think her item was good enough, her self-esteem fell into the toilet and she felt punished).

Much of the early preparation will help her to know how to behave in certain situations. The more information you practice - I am serious, really practice each scenario - the better she can adjust and adapt. She'll eventually will have covered enough situations that she can think more appropriately on how she should react, even when it is has not been previously covered.

I guess I am just saying to help strengthen her skills on reactions.

I know that some parents are very much against TV; however, I think appropriate shows are needed for children to see how others deal with situations. I really liked the majority of shows on Nick, some of the kid programs on PBS, but VERY few shows on the Cartoon Network. I would watch many of the shows with my children. During Rugrats I would ask my girls if they thought that Angelica was behaving nicely, what would they have done, did they think her parents were helping her to become a good girl, and many things like that. They grew up realizing that the way that Angelica acted (bossy and mean) was NOT appropriate and would NOT be tolerated. Many shows are based around a life lesson theme. Children don't always pick that out for themselves but can learn to model/mimic either the good or bad influences of what they see. Our goal is to point them into the right direction.

Please don't misunderstand. I do not think you are a bad parent or that you have a bad kid. I don't mean to imply criticism. I hope you understand I was just trying to give you some informational tools that might help your child for all of her future interactions.

I am not addressing the psychologist/psychiatrist angle, although I do agree that children do not need medication, but better direction. However, I am not a specialist and do not presume to tell you something that is beyond my scope of education/knowledge.

Best of luck to you, and I hope that what I said makes sense.

She is to young for anxieties you need watch what you say and do.'

Hi L.,

This does not sound like a typical kind of anxiety issue to me. She did exhibit something called preserveration, or not being able to let go of not winning the prize, and then obsessing on it, and although anxiety and preserveration may be related, it is possible that you are dealing with something else entirely.

Since you have enough concern to have started therapy, you certainly have reached the critical threshold for this issue. I would suggest that you make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician or a board certified pediatric psychiatrist and get some real, solid testing done. These professionals will make a referral to you for a therapist, if that is what she needs, and the will specify what kind of therapy will be most effective for her, and follow up on how her treatment plan is working.

You would not treat any other medical problem without a diagnosis, and you should rule in or out all the possible issues that may be causing her behavior before you go about treatment, just like you would other organ systems. The brain is no different.

If her issue is anxiety you can thank your lucky stars. Anxiety is among the most treatable mental illnesses, and the pharmaceuticals available to treat this imbalance (and that is what anxiety is) are very safe, well tested, and amazingly effective. I work as an educational advocate, and I cannot tell you how often I heard from people who have been treated for anxiety either as adults or late teens, how disappointed they are that they did not get treatment any sooner. It is one of the most profound changes I have ever seen, when a child finds near total relief from crippling anxiety.

M.

I don't know who diagnosed your daughter initially but I would talk to a neurologist just to see if there any sensory integration issues or other developmental issues. Sometimes a child's social skills lack behind their intelligence. There are social groups that help teach kids how to deal with different issues that come up and how to handle them.

Please let her know that things don't always go like we would like them too. Sometimes we don't win prizes every day, but that gives other people a chance to win prizes too.

There's a saying, "It's not what happens to you; it's how you handle it." So, she needs help handling situations that don't go as she would like them to go. Just like there's night and day, sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. This is part of life. BUT she can decide that today it was someone else's turn to win the prize, and maybe she'll win again another day. Part of being 5 is she wants to win all the time; part of the anxiety and melt-down is that she's expecting to win every time. Nobody wins all the time. How many times have you hoped your team would win the football game and the other team won? That doesn't mean you quit hoping they'll win the next game. There's always another chance to be the winning team.

There's a book that both of you could read together called "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff". The first thing in there is, "Make peace with imperfection." It's an easy read, and you two could read it together.

I've had some hard lessons learned over the years, and the biggest one is that there are some things that are simply beyond my control. For example, I have a hormone imbalance. That is just the way my body works. I cannot control whether or not that's the way my body works. I can take medicine that will help my body behave (chemically) more like it's supposed to behave, but I cannot change that that's the way my body works.

Further, my position at my job was eliminated. I'm having to drive now to a different office that has more than doubles my drive to work. I could get all upset that I'm having to drive further to work with people I'm not used to working with. Or I can look at it as an opportunity to get to know other people in my company, work with them, and hope that someday, the opportunity may arise for me to return to my old office. Is it better for me to get depressed about the situation, or is it in my own best interest to look at it as an opportunity to grow? It isn't what happens to you, it's how you handle it.

Let her know there are things that are beyond her realm of control. Help her realize that that's okay that there are things that aren't up to her. How she reacts IS up to her. Instead of focusing on how sad she is that she didn't win, or being upset that her project didn't turn out like she wanted it to, she can look at those instances with a different point of view. Be happy for those who did win because they may not have won anything before, so share in their excitement - be happy that they won. Instead of being upset that her project didn't turn out the way she wanted, help her figure out what she might like to change, and then you guys can do the project over later on. It'll be a project just for you two, and she'll love spending time with you.

For what it's worth....and good luck!

No offence L. that isn't anxiety. That is being spoiled. She didn't win a prize so you take her out for ice cream? That is reinforcing the bad behavior. She is a child that knows how to pull the strings. Believe me, I know mine is now almost 20 years old. Instead of being all concerned and getting her something because of what she says, you should of explained that it was other kids turn that didn't get a prize the night before then went home and went about your business. You are incouraging the "I'm not good enough" by bying into it. Good luck.

After reading all the responses I had to write more. First off let me tell you that I have been dealing with Anxiety attacks since I was 15 and I am almost 40. I have read things and taken just about ever med there is. I don't take meds now because I want to do it on my own. Anyways that is some history about me. She is just being that way because she is us to getting what she wants. The night terrors happen. My 20 year old use to get them when she was a toddler and doesn't have them any more. Its a faze that some kids go through. Don't work yourself up over it and DON"T medicate her. She is a child with an issue but she will be ok.

You handled it correctly. She needs to understand not everything she is going to do is going to earn a prize, or a reward, but at the same time it does not mean her best efforts were not pretty.
I have a child who used to do the same thing. I guess it is unfortunate she won a prize the very first day.
As for night terrors I have only had to deal with them a few times so don't really know my way of handling them is the best.
Reward her for doing the right thing, do not reward her for having hysterics when she does not get a "prize" or a reward. Simply explain to her everyon has to get a chance to win and she all ready had her turn.
She is in therapy all ready. You need to share this experience with the therapist so you and the therapist can work on a plan that will help her understand "how the world works".
You have my prayers.

I do have a psychology background, but I don't have an answer for the psychologist/psychiatrist question. My own opinion is to leave medication as a last case, after trying everything else and it failing. There can be so many side effects, and we don't always know the long-term effects on some of these meds, etc. I'm not anti-medication, I just know some things to try first.
I know many people who've been able to overcome anxiety issues, as well well as the night terrors. If you're open to learning, I'd be happy to talk with you over the phone and share some hope!
Blessings to you and your daughter as you work all of this through -- I can imagine how difficult it must be for you as you're doing all you can to make the right decisions to put your little gir's well-being first.