Child Who Steals

The best way to handle this is to have him return it to his friend with an apology. This, to me, is far more instructive and a very grave consequence-- in short, in my book, punishment enough. My feeling is that if you add any other adult-designated punishment (loss of privilege, etc), he can go from being remorseful and embarrassed and learning to just being mad at you for 'being mean'.

Does this mean that you are allowing the stealing? No. Condoning? No. You are teaching him that he has made a mistake and that he must make amends. So, keep your talk short and sweet. "You know you took the hat, it's not yours. You will need to return it and apologize." Either coordinate with the other child's mom so you can do it in person at their home over the weekend (or holiday-- if school is closed, I wouldn't let this drag out.), or call her and ask if she can come in with her child a little early if that is possible. I say this because this was what I did when my son 'accidentally' took some toys from school home and he needed to return them. The point is not to create an embarrassing or humiliating situation; the point is to create a contained experience he can learn from.

Then, when it's all over, tell him that if he wants extra items from what he has, he can earn money for them by doing extra jobs for you. This way,he has a reasonable option for 'what to do when tempted next time".

Let me also add that I stole something from a classmate in fourth grade and just having to return it was a most horrible moment. It completely curbed me of doing it again, and of shoplifting as a teen when my friends were-- I did not participate. It's a good lesson if we don't make the punishment worse than the returning of the item and the apology.

You may also want to let your daycare provider/teachers know that your son is pretty tempted right now and that they should keep an eye out.

I agree that he should have to take the items back and explain to the teacher as well as his friends that he took what didn't belong to him. A sense of shame about actions can propel children to do what is right because they value the opinions of others in the sense of not being seen as a lesser person in their eyes. When my son stole something from a hardware store, I called the store and told the manager I was coming in with my son, and that I wanted to find out who to ask for and to be sure that the manager didn't say, "Oh, it's okay. It's not an expensive item." Or "It's okay because you brought it back." The manager was great - didn't say much while my son had to do the talking. Finally the manager said, "I'm glad you know you did the wrong thing. Now, let me ask you, Are you ever going to do this again? Because if you can't promise me that you will not steal again, then you cannot come back in my store ever again." That did it. My son was never one to steal again.

So I'd set that up with the teacher first. Then march the kid in to an appointment with the teacher, and have him tell her what he did. Don't speak for him. Let him squirm and try to find the words. After that, when you determine what is legitimately his and what isn't, you can deal with returning things to the child he stole from. But don't start with the other child - the worst thing would be if that kid said, "Oh, that's okay. You can have it." You don't want that! You don't want your kid to say, "See, Mom, he didn't want it anyway."

There should be some appropriate consequence, such as having to return all the toys even those he may have won legitimately.

I absolutely disagree with the suggestion that you tell him he's going somewhere and then change your mind and say, "I lied." He'll just learn that grown-ups can lie and get away with it!! Wrong, wrong, wrong! He will NOT associate your lie of next week with his own lie of last week. It teaches that revenge is okay. "See how you like it" does not work for kids, especially not at this age.

And it's really not about whether his own needs are met with things in your house. Don't even bring that up. If kids get the idea that it's not okay to steal because Mommy already buys you what you need, they get confused. Stealing and lying are wrong. Period.

Talking to a child who lies and steals is not going to do much. I agree with some who said to make him return the hat, with you or teacher aware that it gets done, and telling the boy he is sorry that he stole his hat. It may not stop either lying or stealing but it's a start. You need to tell him he has lost your trust and tell him how sad that makes you. Tell him he can earn it back by being honest and truthful, etc. Tell him what trust means exactly so he understands fully. I would tell him if he would like a certain hat that he can talk to you about it and maybe give him choices on things he likes or let him save money to shop, but stress how important it is to not lie and I would take this opportunity to talk about coveting, wanting what others have, and not being happy with what he has.

Since he's six, I would make him pick out one of his most favorite toys/items and donate it to Goodwill. He needs to experience being deprived of something he loves - you know empathy for the victim!

Then I would make him do a face-to-face verbal apology to his victim. No written notes, no e-mails to the mom. This needs to have a significant effect on him and there is nothing harder than looking someone in the eye and telling them you offended them in some way.

At 6 children are just learning the difference between truth and fantasy as well as what ownership means. This is a good time to help him learn these things. He told you lies because that is the way he wanted it to be. He took the hat because he wanted it. Basic stuff. Now it's time to teach him that the hat belongs to the other child and you do that by having him return the hat and apologizing for taking it. You talk with him about how things belong to specific people. Use examples from his things. And that even tho we wish we had them we don't take them.

At the same time talk with him about the difference between the truth and lies/fantasy. Talk with him about how telling something that's not true doesn't make it true. Talk with him about the importance of honesty and truth.

Tell him that because of the incident with the hat you wonder about the other items he's brought home. Take him and the items to school and talk with the teacher about whether or not he won them. I'd talk with the teacher, alone, first so that you're both on the same page. I suggest that it's possible he actually did win them. Providing inexpensive items is common in after school programs.

This may be all it takes to stop this behavior. However, he may do this again and I suggest it's an opportunity to repeat the lesson. It'll be another couple of years before he fully understands these concepts. Keep in mind that his mind is still developing and the concept of honesty and truthfulness are abstract. A 6 yo mind is not developed enough to deal effectively with abstractions.

His punishment is taking back the hat to his friend and apologizing to him.
Then going to take back his "prizes" to school/daycare because you don't know what's his for real.

Stealing is basically lying because your claiming something is yours when it's not.

Then at some point you are going to tell him we are going to the park or to the store he wants go to. But after you build up the time and he gets his coat on..you are going to say, nope we are not going, I lied. Tell him that's how disappointed you were when he lied to you. When you tell people one thing and you know it's not true you hurt everybody. Pretty soon, nobody will believe anything you say. Lying is a bad thing. From that day on neither one of you is going to lie to the other so you can always count on each other.