L.G. asks from Prosper, TX on April 04, 2008
Child Lying and Mother Letting Her/divorced Family
We just found out, step-daughter had been sent to principals office multiple times this school year and is now serving an in school suspension. We (her dad and I) thought things were going great. She had made the AB honor roll all year, which was a pleasant first. Every time we pick the girls up (every other weekend), we discusss what is going on in school, about her boy friend and she is always telling us about what she had learned in school. So this came as a shocker! Which is worse is that her mother has allowed her to lie to us the whole school year. The childs excuse was she did not want to get grounded at our house. In the past, on two occassions she told us the truth and we did not punish her. I don't understand why now she has started this lying? or has she been lying all this time about things and I am just now realyzing it? The child is 11, has had some what of a rough life her little sister has cerebal palsy and has taken care of her most of her life. She is definately a little adult and most of the time seems pretty responsible. The child definately has two DIFFERENT households that she lives in. How do we stress to her that lying will not get her any where but into trouble? Any suggestions on how to handle the X not telling us? I do not speak to the X, I have found in the past it is much better. I know she loves the girls, but I hate the way she treats them and uses them, so it is better that we do not speak.
So What Happened?™
WOW Thank you all so much for the out pour of information and experiences. We met with the childs counselor tonight and the mother and things went a lot better than expected. We have made contact with one teacher and trying to get the asst. principal and other teachers to respond. The X and I have broken the language barrier and have agreed to start communicating via e-mail on what is going on with the child in both house holds. THANKS AGAIN EVERY ONE, VERY MUCH!!!!!!
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D.C. answers from Tyler on April 05, 2008
I work for a childrens home and have seen a lot of children from different situations. My biggest advice to you is to first try to develop somewhat of a relationship with the ex. The second is to let the child know that as long as she is honest with you the consequences for the things she has done will be for her benefit and not punishment. The child needs to understand that misbehaving at school will have a lifetime of effects on her in all areas of life. But from my experience the biggest make families that have been interrupted by a divorce and remarriage make is the lack of communication. Children will use whatever they can to play adults against one another you are giving her perfect ammunition. Take my advice and at least try to respond civially to her mom. You don't have to agree with her on how she raises the children but by communicating with you keep the wall torn down that build and create problems.
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C.T. answers from Dallas on April 06, 2008
The Truth of the Matter
Teaching children the importance of honesty.
By Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Q: How do you teach your children the importance of honesty? What discipline or corrective action should you take when you catch a child in a lie?
A: This is one of the most important issues that a parent can worry about. Honesty is one of the bedrocks to success in relationships. Not to mention that our whole spiritual well-being depends on it!
We need to be vigilant about our kids learning to be honest and always deal with dishonesty when we see it. We should also make it easy, comfortable and beneficial for our kids to tell the truth. We should be loving and grace-filled when they tell the truth. For example, if they're honest about doing something bad and we get angry and condemning, they're going to think honesty is not that good of an idea. You can still discipline them for their wrong-doing, but at the same time reward them for being honest. Make sure your kids understand the discipline they're receiving is a lot less because they told the truth than it would have been had they lied. Praise them and thank them for telling the truth.
Three concepts are helpful when helping kids learn about honesty: Teach, model, discipline.
Teach about honesty. Discuss honesty with your kids in the course of normal conversation. Get their thoughts and talk about how hard honesty is sometimes. Talk about why it's hard. Get to their fears of being honest and process what they're afraid of. You might find it has something to do with you or someone else, such as the fear of someone's anger. Also, read books about honesty with stories that show the problems with lying, like Sophie and Sam, one of the children's books from the Boundaries series by Tori Cloud. Also, watch good videos that model and teach about honesty. Memorize Bible verses about honesty, too, and reward them for learning verses.
Model honesty. Kids will always do as you do, so model honesty. Don't make excuses for things, or blame others. Confess when you're wrong. Don't tell someone "white lies" on the phone as your kids are listening. For example, don't tell someone you have plans that night even though you don't but wanted to stay at home and have some time for yourself. Be honest and say that. And NEVER tell your children to tell someone else something that's not true in order to protect yourself. "Tell them I'm not here," when the phone rings is a common example of a lie that you should avoid.
Discipline them for dishonesty. It's important to tell your children they're in trouble because they didn't tell the truth. Make the discipline for dishonesty more significant than what you would do for other common infractions so they understand the significance of being honest. For example, "This consequence is for not telling the truth." Then when the discipline is over, ask them if they know why they were in trouble. Make certain they can say that it was because they didn't tell the truth. Then have your kids say they're sorry, and they won't do it again. Be sure to ask them if they know what will happen if they do it again. Tell them they'll be in trouble if they ever lie. Then forgive them and move on.
Remember, the balance here is grace and truth. Don't make it toxic, but be loving and firm.
Drs. Cloud and Townsend are counselors and the authors of many books—including Raising Great Kids, Boundaries, and Mom Factor—as well as the hosts of the syndicated national radio program "New Life Live." You can experience the wit, wisdom and understanding of Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend weekly through the Monday Night Solutions Tape Club. Each week you will receive an exceptional live audio recording by the doctors mailed to your home. Their biblical solutions for relationships and life's challenges will help you invest in the future of those you love, so enroll today! For more information or for a complete list of their extensive resources and speaking engagements, call (800) 676-HOPE or visit their Web site at www.cloudtownsend.com.
Copyright © 2007 by the author or Christianity Today International/MOMSense magazine.
Click here for reprint information on MOMSense.
March/April 2007, Vol. 10, No. 2, Page 13
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E.H. answers from Dallas on April 04, 2008
What I immediately notice in your post is that you and your husband are not receiving the same information from her school as her mother is. You have an equal right to be informed, the school should have both your and your husband's contact information on file in addition to hers, and both the mother and the father should receive notice when an incident serious enough to warrant suspension has taken place.
Yes, she should have told you, but more to the point, the school should have as well. I know it has been a struggle for us to make the schools of my step-children understand that they have TWO households, but we have been persistent enough that they have come around and maintain our information on file and we generally get the same letters and emails as the other household.
I say this because you will probably have greater success impressing upon the school that they have a duty to the father as well as the mother than you will convincing the mother that she needs to share the information with you.
If you want to get very strong with her, though, I am willing to bet that the custody agreement has language about mutually making decisions and sharing information about education. She is in violation of that by withholding information.
It sounds to me that the mom is a partner in your step-daughter's conspiracy. Take it from me, it is very tough to convince a child that what they have done is wrong if they are being told or shown by one of their parents that it is okay. By not telling you it happened, mom was signaling to the daughter that it was okay not to tell you. She is also probably encouraging it by saying things such as "you know your dad, he will probably ground you" or something similar. This accomplishes two things. One, it puts her in the hero/rescue role for keeping her daughter's secret and keeping her out of trouble and two, it paints dad as the harsh disciplinarian (even though we all know that some behavior deserves discipline and that fair punishment is not out of line).
So for your questions - Confront the X about not telling you and let her know in no uncertain terms it is absolutely unacceptable (and probably in contempt of the custody order). If you do not do this, she will think she has gotten away with it and will do it again. Most people do not like to be confronted, so don't let her get comfortable by giving her a pass. In my experience, continuing to point out every time you catch someone withholding information is the only way you have a shot at getting her to stop doing it because it's uncomfortable for her and it also tells her that you will always find out. It may take a while, but you WILL find out.
Let the school know that your step-daughter has another household that they have a responsibility to contact. Make an effort to get face time with teachers and the principal so that they know you exist and are interested. I promise if you don't appear at school from time to time and mom does, she will take every opportunity to suggest to teachers, doctors, principals, coaches, etc. that she is the *real* parent that does the *real* work and that they only need speak to her.
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M.H. answers from Dallas on April 05, 2008
In my experience with a step-son and an ex, if the mom is encouraging the girl to lie, then there is something major going on. Keep encouraging her to be truthful. Have you considered a counselor? Also, according to Texas state law, at 12 years old, the child can decide what household they want to live at - it does involve court but the age is 12!
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R.V. answers from Dallas on April 05, 2008
This type of things go on all the time in divorced families and there is not a lot you can do about it.
If the child is 11 the why are you "ALLOWING" HER TO HAVE A BOY FRIEND AND DISCUSSING A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND SITUATION WITH HER.
SHE SHOULD BE BEING TOLD THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE A BOY FRIEND NOR WILL SHE HAVE A BOYFRIEND UNTIL SHE IS AT LEAST 16. SHE SHOULD NOT BE ENCOURAGED.
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T.G. answers from Dallas on April 05, 2008
Hi L., First off, I sympathize with your situation. I went through something similar with my son. One of the first suggestions I would make is to contact her teachers and request a conference with you, her dad and her mother. This will not only show the teachers, but your step-daughter as well that ALL of you are involved. You also need to e-mail the teachers and make sure they are aware of your contact information so that when something arises you are informed as well as her mother.
As far as convincing her to not lie, well that is a little tougher. Knowing that you are involved with her teachers and her school the opportunity to lie diminishes greatly. Be sure to praise her for things you become aware of from her teachers that are good. Try volunteering at her school to. The more she see's your face and her father's at the school the more she will become comfortable letting you know everything that is going on.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
T.
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S.C. answers from Dallas on April 07, 2008
My empathy goes out to your family and the X's. You have a couple of obstacles here that you cannot control, but patience and a lot of biting your tongue and biding your time will help. First of all, you are not a biological mother, and congrats to you for choosing to become a parent! It is hard, however, to understand when a parent will let their children get away with bad behavior. For many divorced parents there is a nagging fear they will be replaced by the "new" parent. This terror over losing your child's love is difficult for a non-biological mother/father to understand. Please have kind thoughts towards the X in this area. Another thing, when you enter an existing family, there is so much history and co-awareness of each other that you were not a part of, and never will be. This is not a bad thing, but it is very difficult for the step-parent, and sometimes hurtful. too. Once, again, be patient and caring. Third, 11 is a strange age for a girl. Believe it or not, she probably began the smallest subtle changes toward puberty 1 or 2 years ago, and she is suddenly becoming aware that her parents aren't perfect, and she has different ideas about how things should be done. This is the beginning of the "My parents are so stupid!" phase. Not fun. Fourth, she may feel guilty about her relationship with you and her Dad, and feel like she is betraying her mother when she enjoys her time with you. This can lead to seemingly unusual behavior in an otherwise great kid. Just let her know that although adults don't always get along as they should, she should not feel bad about her time with you. Reassure her that you and her father AND HER MOTHER love her more than anything. Say nice things about her mother to her and in front of her. NEVER NEVER NEVER disrespect her mother in front of her, no matter what is going on between you. You cannot change how her mother behaves or reacts. You can reinforce the rules (lovingly!) within your own household and encourage her to love all of you as a parental triangle. She sounds like a wonderful girl whose life--like everyone's--is becoming more complicated. If she knows she has strong, loving people to come to and confide in, it will work out. Trust me.
Sorry my answer was so long!
A little about me:
Was in your EXACT situation years ago, times 4 stepkids. Have an 11 year-old daughter of my own now. AM BEST FRIENDS NOW WITH THE EX!!!! It can all work out beautifully! My prayers are with all of you. :)
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E.M. answers from Dallas on April 04, 2008
I certainly agree that your husband needs to contact the school and be certain that he is on the contact list. I would call evey month and check on her progress with the girls vice principal or a teacher. I even agree that a confrontation feels necessary with Mom. I have my doubts that this will accomplish much other than to give the two of you (you and your man) some satisfaction. If she feels you are unimportant, or worse, a threat to her postion as the MOM , nothing you can do will change her behavior from my experience .For her to be upset re: a confrontation you have to assume she really cares what either of you think or feel. Does she, I wonder. Now, your child- have you told her that yes, you know people lie. We do. BUT, a lie tells the parties involved that trust is not a part of the relationship. Does she know that when she fails to trust
you a great opportunity is missed? have you laughed and told her, hey, how can I be a great Mom if you never give me the chance to be one? Have you told her how very important she is- and that she is not responsible for the world, or her sister and her mom. Does she know that her dad, and you ,get that? That she is responsible at one home and it blows? This may not be her Moms' fault, CP is really tough....I bet an in school suspension or a trip to the principal's office when her bucket is full is a relief.
Just some thoughts. My yuongest helped nurse a cancer patient when in high school with me. The buscket just gets full quick.
Good Luck
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K.H. answers from Dallas on April 05, 2008
Your boyfriend doesn't have to depend on his daughter or his ex-wife to keep him informed. He should be able to talk with the school and ask the school to contact him as well for parent teacher conferences/copy of report cards/ and for anything that they would call the mother about. If he has visitation rights, he has rights to that information as well. That alone may make the daughter feel that dad cares and is invovled even if it means she gets away with less.
Who takes care of the sister with cerebal palsy when she's with you? Maybe take some load off of her so she can just be 11 yrs old. If their mom has the worry and care of that daughter 24/7, she may be stressed out as well and just wants to avoid another stressful situation by not informing their father of things that he will just push back on her. At 11, this girl knows right from wrong. She may lie because of things in her life she's unhappy about or things she's angry about or stressed about, but that is NOT an excuse to lie. The daughter needs to be the one held accountable. So if she lies, she needs to be held accountable by her dad. If her mom is telling her to lie, dad needs to talk with mom and tell her that he only wants what's best for their daughter and that he is not going to blame or argue with her (the ex). The mom and dad need to be on the same team when it comes to parenting on issues that affects both households and you need to support that whether you speak to the mom or not.
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