Child Custody - Daly City,CA

It sounds reasonable to you because you get the most time with your son. Would I want the same thing in your shoes? Yes. Does it sound fair to your husband? No. I don't know your whole story so I can even begin to have an idea of what would be best for your son. I can tell you however that I used to do daycare for a little girl that would spend one week with dad, one week with mom and thrived. She did that since she was a tot. In her case Dad was the better parent (she was always on time to school, fed healthy meals, clean and smiling) with mom she was almost always late, tired from being up too late the night before etc. But she was the apple of both their eyes, well loved and very well adjusted to the schedule. As far as going to the court to fight, maybe look into a mediator? I am so sorry you are having to go through this at all and wish you and your little guy the best of luck.

That's fair for you, but not so fair for dad. He only gets him from friday - Sunday every other weekend. That's not really fair to a daddy who really wants to be involved.

It seems like the trend these days is for the children to live with one parent for one week and then the other parent for the next week. I have spoken to children who do this and they HATE it. They never feel settled because they move constantly.

What I have seen more and more people doing is to maintain a "family home" or apartment where the children live full time and the parents switch households on a weekly basis. If you really want what's best for your son, and not just what you want, then you will consider this option. It won't be fun for you or hubby, but you two are the ones who created this situation so it should be up to you two to shoulder the inconvenience.

In previous posts you said your ex travels a lot for work. Is this still true? That needs to be taken into account, what will your ex do with him when he travels? VERY important to put into custody agreement where son will stay if Dad travels during his time or in the future he will be staying a lot with your ex MIL and Dad's new girlfriends!

I think if he's a good dad what do you automatically assume you should get the week? why not him?
Time with his dad is more valuable then a good consistent easy schedule.

I would love to have the schedule you mention with my daughter but in reality time with her dad is more important than what I would love and what I think is good for her schedule wise.

We do

Mondday-M.
Tuesday-M.
Wed-him
thurs-M.
fri-M.
Sat- switch at dinnerish
sun-him

I get more days so he gets Sundays to make up for it.
I never go mroe than a day without seeing her because I pick her up from school and drop her off on Thursdays to him and saturdays I have her the 1st half of the day,

The child therpist we consulted with said a schedule like this is good for kids under 6 because they are too little to be away from either parents for days on end. when she is bigger we will either do a week on and a week off or mon/tues every other weekend for one of us.
hope that helps.

Put your child first and realize how important his dad's role in his life will be

Do NOT do 2 days on, 2 days off and rotate weekends, that is WAY too h*** o* kids, especially a two year old. One week on, one week off is better, but ideally, I agree with you. The kid should have a "home base" and visit his dad every other weekend and holidays every other year. Offer the dad to have the kid 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off in the summer (will make a difference when he's in school). Otherwise, if indeed he is a "good" dad, I would consider one week on, one week off (50/50). Most dads don't want to deal with taking them to school, activities, doctor, dentist, etc. Tell your husband you are willing to do all this during your time and maybe he will see that "quality" time is better for him than "quantity". Regardless, its hard. Good luck!

At 2, whatever is set up and agreed to will be his normal. No need to worry about being in the same bed every night. He's little and will adjust quickly if you and dad are both being loving and supportive. I know people who do this ...

Mon, tues ... Mom
Wen, thurs ... Dad
Fri, sat, sun ... Rotate

This way each parent has the children for 5 days consecutively. Best wishes.

If your husband is a good father, that's not really fair. I know you want consistancy for your son, but would you be in favor of the same if it was reversed and he was living at your ex's house during the week and you got him every other weekend?
This is a difficult time for everybody. Your son will adjust.

I don't see that what your former husband wants is unreasonable. I think he wants to be an active and present parent, and I think it's commendable. He wants equal time with his child, but you're insisting on reducing it when it would be beneficial for your son who would adapt very quickly. Do you know how many women come to this site begging for advice on how to get their childrens fathers to do what your soon-to-be former husband is trying to do? You're very lucky and so is your son. Please realize that.

Having to spend time between two households where each parent loves and cares for you isn't the end of the world. It isn't the ideal either but since it may becomes your son's new normal embrace it.

If his father isn't abusive or neglectful, you really won't have a leg to stand on in the courts. There are many dads that won't fight for custody and won't abide by visitation stipulations and just leave there kids to fend for themselves.

Find out from your attorney what you can do if anything. My experience with my son was his father has never challenged me for custody of him because he never wanted the responsibility of a full time kid.

You say you want the best for your son. If his dad is a loving father then that is the best for him even if his dad isn't a loving husband to you. I know that is very painful to hear but true none-the-less. I will be praying for your strength as you navigate raising your son to adulthood as you heal from a broken marriage.

Would you be happy with the situation reversed? Your son stays with your ex every night during the week with the daycare pickup schedule you have proposed. If you would not be happy with it then IT IS NOT FAIR. Whatever problems you and he had, it sounds like he wants to be a dad. I would work out a 50% plan that you would be happy with no matter which partner you would be. Having two fully committed parents will be best for your son.

Also - you will be dealing with your ex until your child is at least 18. If you are not fair now, or make things harder than they need to be, you are setting yourself up for a LONG long road ahead.

If you had to take the option you were suggesting that he take-would you find it fair??

My ex and I had joint legal custody with me having placement. He was also allowed to have him one evening a week (not over night but dinner to bedtime basically) and every other weekend. Since he didn't always get him as allowed, I basically had him 90% of the time (or more). From a mom's perspective it was great, from an individual perspective it was hard...but best for my son (except he didn't see his dad as much as he should have).

These days, they try for 50/50 which makes it fair for both parents (responsibility and parenting time wise) and neither have to pay child support. That said, they tend not to consider the affect bouncing back and forth will have on the child. Sure, kids are resilient but each kid is different and the adjustment back and forth can be torture on both the kids and the parents. Especially those that bounce back and forth every day or couple of days.

I would suggest you ask for more than what you want and be open to compromise. I say that so if you ask for what you want and then compromise, you have come away with less than you want. If you ask for more and compromise, you will likely be closer to what you want. For example, ask for sole legal and physical custody with visitation. State you are willing to compromise but desperately want what is best for your son... home, in his bed every night during the week for him to have stability and normalcy. Then be agreeable to joint legal custody with visitation or even joint legal custody with extra visitation during the week.

Always let the court (and everyone else) know that you are not basing your request on your convenience but rather the best interest of your son. Always come across as reasonable. I would recommend that visitation be spelled out (don't leave it open ended or you will, at some point, run into a problem). You can always have a statement of "any other times as mutually agreeable". I would also recommend that you address "first right of refusal" if you would prefer to have your child if his father needs someone to watch him during his parenting time or visitation. Also, think ahead to when your child is in school and bedtimes etc and who gets to decide school choice/attendance and/or church affiliation.

I think Justwed said it best. If his Dad wants to have him 50/50 it is better for the child to have both parents in his life as much as possible. Your schedule to me dosen't sound fair to your ex. I guess best way to think about it is- would you be ok with it if that was your schedule with your Son? I have a 2 year old and I know to him it doesn't matter where he sleeps (bed wise) as long as he is safe, comfortable, and knows Mom/Dad is around the corner! Good luck Mama!

Children do best when there is a schedule and when their parents are calm. Doesn't sound like that's the case now. A child your son's age doesn't know the days of the week, so he won't know about weekdays vs. weekends. It sounds like you don't want him to be at his father's place that much - is that because you don't trust your husband, or because you don't think he's a nurturing father? Is he only doing this to hurt you? Do you need to maintain some control?

It it's all premature because your husband doesn't have a place, and therefore you can't even evaluate whether it's safe or not. I think the first thing is that you either need a lawyer (each of you) or a mediator (one person you both share/agree on). If he's pushing for court, I don't know if he would consider a mediator - but perhaps he doesn't know that is an option. It's cheaper and generally less adversarial, but both spouses need to want to participate. If you have a meeting with a mediator (even if you let him have more of a choice about whom you choose - after all, a mediator, by definition, doesn't take sides) then you start to hammer out this stuff in a contained environment.

I'm thinking they will say that having the father pick the child up at day care and then drop him at your place is not going to work. Too much transfer of the child from one parent to the other, only using the father as transport ion, and so on.

Lots of families use the shared custody very effectively. But you two are still living in the same house with tons of tension, so it is absolutely not a good time to be working out what will happen when you split up. Right now "this poor little boy" is exposed to fighting and tension, and that is absolutely no good for him. Shared custody might not be what you want, but maybe it wouldn't be awful for him - depends on his mother's and his father's attitudes.

I'd say, start with a mediator. If you can't come to an agreement about EVERYTHING (custody, visitation, finances, the house, education....) then you can always each get your own lawyers.

There is also couples counseling to help people learn to co-parent effectively. I've seen this done very badly so I urge you to try to get off on the right foot. Another 18-20 years of fighting is a really bad situation. My husband and his ex did this and I can tell you that it was horrible, and both kids have terrible abilities when it comes to relationships. We tried counseling but the ex wouldn't participate or do what the counselor suggested - and it was not good for the kids in any way. Graduations, weddings, birthdays were stressful, finances were horrible, and the only people who got money were the lawyers. Avoid it if you can, and choose your battles.

No, fight it tooth and nail. It is horrible for the kids to have 2 homes and not one of them is "home". They are both transient sleeping spots. The child will not have a sense of where their home is. It is also how the men get out of paying any child support what so ever and they get to file the kids on their taxes at least every other year. That is not fair to a woman who has less income and needs those tax breaks and credits sometimes just to make ends meet each month.

My friend is dealing with this now. Her daughter goes to dad one day and mom the next. She wakes up in the morning from crying in her sleep and cries all morning begging her mom not to make her go to her dad's that night. She is fine once dad picks her up but she literally hates him for making her go there every other day. They live within blocks of each other and mom sees her every day taking her to school and picking her up afterwards but this girl literally hates her dad. Mom tries really hard to make her understand she is not being nice to her dad too. She tries to make it smooth and does not talk bad about dad at all.

If you do not have a full time job and cannot support your kids you will not get custody. You will have to prove you can support this child without any help from hubby or hubby might even get full custody.

I have a friend who's soon to be ex got full custody because she was a SAHM. With no means of supporting herself and the kids. She is even having to pay every penny for her own attorney and he sued her for the divorce.

She is ordered to pay him child support AND spousal support. He makes over $100K per year and she has been a SAHM for 15 years. She can't find a job that pays enough for her to live in a cheap apartment and pay these 2 bills to him.

Divorce is changing. Men are getting full custody of the kids, spousal support, child support, etc...even if they have huge income jobs and the wife has been a SAHM. A woman who wants to be out on her own with the kids must have a full time job, be taking the kids to child care (they can get this for free if they file for assistance through the state), maintaining a home without help from the ex, etc....they have to show they are able to support these children. Each party is in charge of their own attorney fees, it costs thousands of dollars for the court costs and attorneys too. He can take her off the accounts and keep all the money for himself, he is the one working, it "is" his income, not hers.

I think women are going to end up having to stay in unhappy marriages due to this change too. They can't afford to leave anymore.

It seems pretty reasonable. . .except for the part where your son hardly gets to see his father. I know that you want what is best for your son. What is best is for him to have a mother and father who get along. Not trying to be judgmental here. . . my husband and I just went through 3 years where I HATED him. It was unbelievably difficult. We went to counseling, we both cared the most about our children's happiness, and we got up and tried - every day. I can say that things are MUCH better now. Is there any way you can work on the situation for your son's sake? (I'm assuming no addiction or domestic violence - that means he should be gone from the house immediately) Both of you have to want to try for this to work. Otherwise, if he is a good dad, there's no reason why he shouldn't have 50/50 physical custody.

My son was a baby when I went through a divorce. He wasn't quite two years old yet. My ex said he wanted 50/50 custody, but he wanted it on paper for child support reasons.

My son went with his dad on Tuesday nights and Thursday nights and every other weekend. There were times my ex husband was out of town and I had him more. There were some times when I had to go out of town for work and he stayed with his dad. It was that way for many years.

My son is now 17 and he stays with me during the week because I live closer to his school. He spends most, but not all, weekends with his dad. At this age, he pretty much goes back and forth however he wants and his dad and I are fine with it.

You're in California. So am I. At least in my county, unless your ex agrees to your proposal, your child will likely have a schedule very similar to what my son had.

As a mom, yes....I often felt like the poor kid was going back and forth too much, but he loved his dad. His dad did things differently than me. Not better, not worse. Just different.

In the long run, my son has turned out to be an amazing person who loves both of his parents and fortunately, has taken the best of each of us and is more than okay. He's awesome.

For the sake of your child, as a child of divorce myself, please don't think of your son as a "poor little boy" being thrown back and forth.

Divorce is ugly and painful, but children can be okay if their parents are okay and they have the consistent love of both parents.

It will be harder on you than on your son, but you have to be strong and willing to compromise. You don't want the court making that decision for you whether you like it or not.

I wish you the very best, and for what it's worth, often they will reschedule a mediation appointment after 6 months or so to see how things are going. Sometimes things do need to be adjusted a bit here and there.
It's a process.

Again, best wishes.

Do you think it's reasonable for you to only have your son every other weekend? I don't think so! So why would it be reasonable for his father to only see him every other weekend? You say you want what's best for your son but not seeing his father regularly nor allowing him not to develop a relationship with him _ IS NOT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR SON! I know this is a difficult situation but unfortunately that's what divorce is. It's important that your son have a healthy relationship with both of his parents, so please don't try to sway your son to have ill feelings towards his dad or speak ill of him in front of him.

I agree that it is not fair to your ex. I have known several kids that did the one week on and one off, which would be/is very hard I am sure. In OK the only way he is not going to get this is if you can prove that he is not fit in any way. My sister fought for this bc her ex was absent almost all of the time for their marriage and it ended up costing her thousands and thousands of dollars and taking over 2 years. Her ex became a monster to her and our family and has turned her kids against her...(called parent alienation). This of course is extreme and he wasn't a good person to begin with, i am just saying if you can make the separation and the everything to do with as simple and easy as possible that is what is best for you and your son. My ex and I were planning on doing this with our kids, but he has had some other issues and now won't get to see his kids for two-three years. This of course is not good for the kids, but they have to be safe, and that keeps them safe right now. Good Luck.