Child Behavior/destructive

He sounds like a wonderful, and very typical, boy. However, clumsiness may be a sign that something's not quite right & may not be his 'fault'. You also mention that he shows little sympathy when he hurts others. I currently have an 11 year old son that we are seeking for someone to evaluate him for asperger's syndrome. He has many classic symptoms, one of which is lack of sympathy/empathy. I do not wish to scare you, but you can read up on it online & just see if you see anything else.

And one last thing, children need structure, even if they buck against it. They like knowing that we get up a X time, we go to school (or start school if you homeschool) at X time, we eat lunch X time, etc. And it's helpful for you. You can make a chart for him perhaps that lists what he does each day & what time. It helps him know when something is about to change too since my 11yo son really hates change.

Best of luck to you & what a wonderful thing you have done to adopt.

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Hi C.,

I am not only a Parent Coach for moms of preschoolers, but also a mom to a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I really know how hard it can be to know if you're parenting effectively.

You sound like such an amazing mom who is aware of your son's age/development, knowing what you can and cannot expect, and like you really just want to improve on what you're already doing to provide a loving and safe home for your son.

What I am hearing from your message is that you haven't set clear enough boundaries with reasonable, respectful, and related consequences. Your son is at a great age for you to choose 3 boundaries, perhaps Gentleness, Cooperation, and Respect. I help my clients set these boundaries by explaining that each boundary is a virtue that you value you in your home and expect your son to obey. Create 1-2 rules under each boundary.

For example, under Gentleness, you could state Rule: I touch carefully and speak quietly. I make it safe for animals and people to be around me.

A respectful, related, and reasonable consequence for not being gentle is first stopping your child from hurting someone or being rough with a toy. Rather than ignoring him and withdrawing your love and attention and putting him into time-out, take him to his room and hold him firmly in your arms and let him know that you won't let him hurt someone else or you won't let him be rough with the toys.

A lot of times rough and obnoxious behavior is due to pent up fear, anger, resentment, or anxiety a child has built up. By holding him close and telling him you won't let him behave that way - you're providing a time-out but you're not leaving him to do it alone. Children need us to help them manage their emotions, not abandon them when they are having emotional-overwhelm.

Some parents would say that you're giving him attention by holding him after he's done something unacceptable. Children who are misbehaving are typically crying out for more guidance, more involvement, not less. By being with him and being firm but loving you are not letting him get away with his misbehavior, but rather, companioning him through it.

Acknowledge him for his acceptable behavior as much as you can. As soon as you notice him being gentle or playing cooperatively say, "Wow! You are playing so cooperatively or so gently with your friend!! That's wonderful." Children desire to please us - it's a human biological desire. The more you pay attention to his virtue of gentleness or his virtue of respect or cooperation, the more you will bring out his best.

When he is struggling, be firm, get down eye-to-eye, hold him by the shoulders (not gripping, just with a loving hold), and say, "Tyler, I want to see your gentleness right now." If calling him to his gentleness is not enough, take him to his room and hold him. If he wails, cries, and tries to get free, hold him with you, be calm, and validate his feelings. "I know it's hard sometimes to be gentle, but that's how we are with our friends and I am going to hold you until you're ready to be gentle." If he breaks down into sobs or cries, just hold him and comfort him. This is a good sign that he is working out his stress, aggression, and his feelings.

Boys are different! They have a lot more energy and testosterone can make them more aggressive. Your son needs to be outside, running, kicking a ball, and getting out that energy productively. Limit television and video games and computer time. This is really detrimental to the boy brain.

I have recently interviewed a woman, Janet Allison, who is an expert on the boy brain on my Blog Talk Radio show. You can listen to it on your computer (it's listed on the side bar of my blog site). Go to www.noblemother.com to check out that interview.

Meanwhile, if you want more help learning the Educative Parenting Model philosophy that I teach that helps parents effectively teach right from wrong without threatening, yelling, spanking, and time-out, please contact me for a free 30 minute "Discipline Make-Over" coaching session at ____@____.com

You're obviously a very conscientious and loving mom, C., if I can support you to be at the top of your game, let me know!!

Your Coach,
R.
www.noblemother.com

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For additional structure along with positive reinforcement, I want to recommend http://www.housefairy.org/

I wish I had known about it when my kids were little. I have read wonderful testimonials from other moms.

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Hello, C.! I am a mother of 2 boys and 1 girl. I have found what worked best for me was any book written by John Rosemond. He is awesome. He is a no nonsense type guy and tells you straight forward how to parent your child. No touchy feely stuff here! He is to the point. My kids actually hide my John Rosemond books because they don't like how I am now parenting! LOL!!! Good luck!

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Boys!! You have to raise a couple to really appreciate them. I could tell you stories about the two of mine.....well, they are just different. It does take a lot of structure, and disipline. It can become very frustrating and exhausting, but it all pays off. My younger son had a bit of trouble in the behavior department. There were days that I just went in my room and cried. I stuck to my guns though, and stayed structured. He is now both a pleasure and a blessing. I found that for him it took several outlets to help him get rid of his energy. I put him on a tee-ball league and in swim lessons at age 3. There were days that he got into trouble but it soon began to pay off. I realized that with the structure at home and the organized sports he was quickly learning what is and is not acceptable. He now at the age of 16 can decide for himself what he does and does not need to do to help him be productive. He is a straight A student, is active in our church praise band, and loves playing football and basketball. It was so hard at times when he was 3,4 and 5 years old, but I'm so glad I hung in there for him! God bless you and your little guy, M.

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I think you have the answer you need. Do you trust the people near you? It sounds like it. There have to be set guidelines (rules), set consequences and set rewards. You need to have these set up even if you have to have them on a posterboard for him to see. He should be rewarded for good behavior and be punished for bad behavior. If you know he shouldn't have been doing it, do not excuse it. Punish him as you see fit.

Boys are rough, and most I have watched do have somewhat of a destructive streak, but it is easily overcome and should not be tolerated. If they know that they cannot get away with it, they will stop. This means no special treatment. Children, whether natural born or selected, need to know where the boundaries and limitations are. At 4, a lot are still pushing limits. This stops... when children become adults and move out. LOL

Stay firm, and remember that you are "the boss," not him. Good luck. Let us know if you get it worked out.

If the behavior does not stop (this is after a long time of trying and trying and no empathetic behavior) then I would go take him to a therapist.

C.,

Children need structure and discipline. With out it they run wild. You have to be strict!! Otherwise he will run rufshod all over you. I have a 7 year old that tried that, I quickly put a stop to it. I also have grandchidren that listen to me more than their mother. Don't ever give in to a child in front of a child, I mean don't break down. Save that for when you are alone. Your child is 'playing' you and you are allowing it. You have to be strict. Don't just tell him to do it at this point, walk him back so he doesn't destroy whatever he has and make him put it back. Then put up all the things you don't want him to touch. I am not telling you to be so strict that you are constantly spanking him, but set ground rules for yourself and him.

Good luck,

E.

Setting a strong environment with structure is the best thing that you can do for him. 4 year olds are not known for thinking ahead or realy being "sorry" the way adults think of being sorry. That is something that they learn and experience over time. If you know that he is bonded with you, then you have a great foundation to build the structure needed to curb some of these unwanted behaviors. Setting expectations during the day with an age appropriate list of rewards and consequences for those expectations will help a lot (Behavior charts are wonderful). At 4, kids respond to immediate praise and will strive to get praised as much as they can. You can also set small rewards during the day to motivate him to keep on the right track. They also need to keep their hands busy as much as they can, so planning activities to avoid boredom is crucial. I hope this helps.

In my experience, strictness is harder for an older mom. I had my first three by the time I was thirty (all boys), and I was very tough with them. (I spanked my first two, but stopped with the third because he laughed when I spanked him and it made me want to him hit harder. So I had to find other ways.) My fourth came in my early thirties and my last two (again, all boys) were born after I was 35. I had mellowed quite a bit by the time I was 40 and my older kids say the younger ones are spoiled. They are.

But even with the younger ones I laid down certain rules and stuck with them. Being strict isn't yelling or spanking. It's more a tone of voice and, of course, "The Look." You know, the one your mother always gave you, the one that drove you crazy.

Give your son certain rules and expectations. Things like, Don't touch the candy jar. If he disobeys (and he probably will at least once) give him the look and a reminder, in a stern voice. If he does something funny but wrong (my kids did plenty of that), don't let him see you laugh. I often had to cover my mouth and clear my throat so that I sounded stern when I really just wanted to crack up. Oh, and I still don't have really nice things in the house, not with boys. Last summer I bought a rocking chair at a garage sale. My 22-year old broke that. Later I bought another chair. My 13-year old got that one. My kids aren't purposely destructive, but they're rough. I grew up in a family of girls, where we kept things nice for years and years. That was quite a shock.

Put away all your sentimental, breakable items for now. Maybe you can take them out when he goes away to college.

Hi C.,

I'm going to mention something to you that the other moms haven't yet. Your son being rough and breaking things reminded me of my younger son when he was young - seemed that if there was a glass of water within 10 feet of him, it would somehow end up in the floor! He would open or close the door far too hard, grab things in a way that was never going to work out right, etc. It turned out that he had Sensory Integration Disorder. We took him to an OT who had experience dealing with this issue, and she helped him a great deal. She explained to us that the reason he broke everything around him and pushed so hard is that he didn't feel things normally. What would feel like a shove to us was actually very mild feeling to him. He needed a "sensory diet" (nothing to do with food) that helped retrain his immature nervous system.

If not feeling things as pain or pressure as much as others do is really your son's issue, then it is possible that he doesn't understand why he should be sorry, if he doesn't feel that kind of pain. That's just something for you to keep in mind. Plus, empathy has to be taught and shown - children are usually not naturally empathetic. Watching you minister to a child whom he has hurt is good for him to see and will help teach him that feeling.

The earlier you do get an OT to work with him, the more chance that this problem will dissipate. Find yourself an OT that has graduate level work with this, and ask her to work with him for several sessions to assess him. Don't just go with a cursory evaluation. Believe me, it is worth the money if you don't have a lot of insurance help. It was a really great thing we did for our son.

The other ladies are right about consistency and structure. That's something you have to learn how to do in order to help him be successful in school. Meanwhile, do some changing around your house. Get rid of or put away breakables around your house. I had to just pitch all our glass glasses and buy plastic instead. As far as running in the house is concerned, it's easy to say "no running in the house", but kids need to move, especially boys. In wintertime, especially, it's hard for kids to get as much exercise as they need. Be very mindful of getting him lots of gross motor movement, even if it means sending him outside to run around the house 3 times. Don't use it as punishment - if he starts running in the house, tell him "Let's go outside instead so you don't hurt yourself - I'll time you to see how fast you can run around the perimeter, etc." That will help him and help you, especially while the OT is working on his sensory diet plan with you both.

I hope this is helpful to you.

All my best,
D.

I have a 3 year old son and our favorite saying about him is that "he could break an anvil!" I have never seen so much destruction in one person. He has an older sister whom is 8 and she is very cautious and careful to not hurt anything or anyone. So he has a good example but even with her he plays very rough and he breaks most things that can be broken. My sister also has 2 boys and when they were younger they had some of this same behavior. On the other hand my son can be the sweetest little thing and he really cares about others. Him and his sister fight way more than I like them too. If he hits her he shows no emotion at first but a few minutes later he starts to act very sweet especially to her and I think its because he is feeling guilty. I am hoping this behavior is because he is a boy. I am told that a lot. So I would not worry too much. After having a girl and now a boy there is a huge difference and boys are way more destructive. I hope this helps some. I always feel better knowing that my family is not the only family going through these kinds of things. Good luck! We need it!

yes he is just 4 but he does need to learn to respect things. it scares me when you say he hurts kids and has no empathy you need to talk to his doctor and ask to have him evaluated. good luck

You must start reading John Rosemond, the only worthwhile parenting author out there, who teaches us how to parent the way your parents/grandparents did - with common sense and no fuss. A couple of his books that I've read and that are applicable are Raising a Nonviolent Child, and his Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. The first is not just for "violent" children; I think any parent should read it - and both books are very interesting (not boring or long winded). They will tell you what matters (and what doesn't) and how to get things under control. Best wishes to you all! www.rosemond.com

I myself have 2 adopted children. I was givin a book that helped a lot and I still use and they are teenagers now. It is called" 1 2 3 magic". I enjoyed a lot and it helped on teaching them to follow direction. I hope it will help you also.

C., you mentioned that he says I'm sorry. I am guessing that you accept the apology. It might help to let him know that you don't accept the apology. Not everytime but he does something, gets in trouble, apologizes, then does the behavior again. If you explain that Sorry is not good enough. He needs to stop doing the behavior and understand why he cannot continue that behavior. Start with one behavior that you want him to stop/change like hitting. Work on changing that behavior. When you have done then start on another behavior. You need to remember that for young children sorry is a word, like please to get something you want. Good Luck!

I don't know if I can help but I thought I would share what I recently went thru and am still going thru with my almost three year old son. I have had a few behavior problems with him since the birth of my second son. I realized that I wasn't being consistant with the rules and giving him too many chances. It has taken about a week but we have gone back to the old rules and enforcing them.

If he does something he shouldn't do (like taking something that doesn't belong to him or going into the kitchen without permission), we tell him once to stop, if he doesn't then he has to immediately stand in the corner for 2 minutes. If he hits or kicks, then he goes directly into the corner without any warning because he knows that he isn't allowed to hit, kick, pinch, spit or throw things. But the punishment is consistant. I don't wait until I get to my wits end or am fed up with his behavior.

So far, it's going well. He's returning to the well behaved child he used to be prior to becoming a big brother. And I'm enjoying being around him more. It's so much easier to play with him and do fun things together when he listens and behaves well. But the first few days, he no sooner got out of the corner and he was back there again. It was frustrating but well worth the work.

I don't think you were upset over a material thing. I think you were probably more upset with the fact that he knew he wasn't supposed to hold the jar in the first place. Maybe you are feeling a little bit like he doesn't listen and you aren't being heard by him which can be very frustrating. Anyway, every child is different and what works for mine might not work for yours but maybe you could try more consistancy with the rules and enforcing them. Good luck and I think it's wonderful that you chose to adopt.

C., first off, I have never met a man who is not more child than adult, but you are lucky he helps you alot. Many men only want to play with the child, not help discipline him. Hopefully, your hubby does not leave the discipline only up to you. You both need to agree on rules and consequences and follow up on them consistently, or the child will never understand where his boundaries are.

Second, you really need to "babyproof" your house. Children that young usually have no understanding that what they are doing can cause something to break or someone else to hurt, or remember from one minute to the next that they should not be running through the house with something that can break. A child that young lives in the here and now, and their attention spans are such that you will have to repeat rules frequently and use reasonable punishments to reinforce the point. They also tend to be clumsey and drop things, spill things and explore their world in ways that adults forget they did themselves. I would suggest that anything that you value and do not want broken or stained or otherwise ruined, put up far out of his reach or pack away entirely until he demonstrates some maturity.

Be aware that this could be until he is 18. ;) I never got my house back to normal or cleaned up and tidy until all my kids were out of the house - and my middle child, a girl, lived at home through four years of college!

Children of all ages need to explore their world to learn about it and being told "don't touch" all the time gets frustrating for a child. It can sometimes cause that child to rebel and purposely do those things they are told not to do. I was raised as an only child whose mother died when I was very young. I was raised by a stepmother who was quite a bit older than my father and "in her house" a child was expected to be a little adult, so I know a bit about having an older mom who wanted her house to be perfect. It truly did a serious trip with my self esteem and boy did I ever rebel.

However, there are limits to what a child can be allowed to do and it is your responsibility to make sure he is safe, active and happy. Since you are a stay at home mom, I would ask how much time you spend one on one with your son? Do you keep him in view at all times? Do you give him the opportunity to roughhouse with you during the day, or give him toys that he can slam around all day without breaking anything?

You mention that you are not much of a structured person yourself. That is fine for a grown up who can pick and choose what she wants to do, but your life now revolves around your child. He needs structure in order to learn the boundaries in life. He should get up at the same time, have breakfast at the same time, watch cartoons or other children's programming for short periods of the day, spend some time one on one playing with mom or dad and have some time to play with children his own age. If you can afford it, take him to a nursery school a couple times a week for a few hours. It gives you some down time and he can blow off stream playing with friends and running and screaming to his heart's content. It also is a place where he learns rules from others and can discover that rules apply to everyone everywhere. He also needs a nap time during the day to keep him from getting over tired. And then he needs more play time before daddy gets home. This kind of structure also helps you because children can railroad any plans you make to go shopping or clean house or rest or do something for yourself. You do deserve some time to yourself, but if you don't structure his day and yours, you will be exhausted while dealing with him.

Remember that boys tend to be very active and rambunctious. It is in their nature to rough house with others and to run and play and fight. Our genetics still imbue boys with the need to play fight, as our ancestors had to do it for real in order to survive. They also tend not to realize what it means when grownups tell them they have done something to hurt someone else.

My youngest loved to pinch his sister and brother until they pinched him back or, as with his older brother (who by the way had ADD and was also adopted), punched him. In that case everyone got a time out, but my baby learned not to pinch others because he got hurt back. It took a few times of this same thing happening before he finally got the idea. In many cases, kids just have to learn from experience that hurting others causes pain, and not just to the other person. Sometimes it has to be learned the hard way, by getting hurt back.

To keep him from doing things you don't want him to do, you have to be one step ahead providing him constructive things to do rather than giving him the opportunity to do destructive things. You need to recognize that a child his age has no concept of the value of things or of the danger to himself or others if he plays with the wrong thing or does something to hurt someone. Although I will admit some kids hurt others when they don't get their own way. Again, time for a gentle scold and timeout. Eventually he will learn better.

Right now he just sees something that looks pretty and might be fun to play with. Something that is pretty and shiny will attract him, but since he does not really understand what it is for, he can easily hurt himself on broken glass. His safety is more important than something you treasure for sentimental value being broken, isn't it? Rather than asking him to put something breakable back himself, take the item away from him and put it away where he cannot reach it. Chances are if he had tried to put it back himself, he would have broken the whole bowl and not just the lid.

If he truly seems just way too active to you and appears purposely destructive all the time, you may want to discuss this issue with your pediatrician. Your child could have ADD or some other problem the doctor can help you with. But try to remember that at his age being sorry for what he has done is a brand new concept that has to be learned over time. By all means, try to teach it to him, use time outs or whatever you think is appropriate. But sometimes it is better to be calm when something breaks, talk to him in a voice that tells him you were worried he would hurt himself and that that would hurt you very bad. Give him something constructive to do for a few moments while you clean up the mess, then take a look around the house to see what other things of danger or importance are with his reach (remember, kids this age love to climb) and find another place to put them where he can't get at them.

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings and that what I have said here helps. Good luck. My prayers are with you and your family.

Sounds like you have your hands full. I think behavior charts/reward charts may work for your son. I have used them here and there in the past with my son who is 8. It is like a sticker reward system with maybe a toy from the dollar store or 15 extra minutes of TV time (whatever rewards work for your family). Never take stickers away but he has to earn them. Follow through with the time outs and encouragements about the sticker charts. it worked in the past with my son. I might have to use one for 3 weeks sometimes only a week until the behavior got under control, especially around 4.

C., I have to say this is pretty normal. I have a 4 yr old boy, too, and we have certain rules around our house. One is NO RUNNING!!! I have 2 older girls and even they break the rule sometimes. I agree rules are necessary and you have to be consistant, i can't stand that word, but it's for their own good. I have lots of breakables in my living room and the kids know not to touch them. I DO NOT put things away so they can't reach them....my aunt tried that and her son climbed the cabinets to the bleach and drank it. Sorry, but that is just moving the problem, not teaching them. My son does the pain thing too, so does my middle child. I don't think it's a medical issue, I think it's a phase and they will learn as long as you continue to teach them to apologize and not hurt others. I ask them both if it would hurt them for me to do that, and sometimes I get a laughing "no..." but then the mommy look happens and they say, yeah. It's all about them growing up to be good adults. Stay with it and he will learn. Just try to be more strict, and lay down the rules. Best of luck to you and hope things get better!

Yes, you need more structure, and you need to be more strict. A four-year-old of average intelligence knows not to touch what he isn't supposed to, and if he broke it he should have real, meaningful consequences, ex. you take away something very important to him for a week or longer. If you don't get him under control before he starts school you will have a life of misery, and his will be bad too, because he will always be in trouble. Go get professional help if you can't do this on your own.

Boys can certainly be a handful, but not all of them break everything. I have two boys who are surprisingly good with our things, but we have a little friend who does seem to break every other thing he touches, and his mom has to work extra hard at teaching him to be curious while being gentle. Sounds like you have a kid like that too.

Three basic rules you can use to help structure everything you try to teach your son is this: we take care of ourselves; we take care of other people; we take care of our things. I've found that almost any infraction on my boys' part can be broken down into NOT doing one of those three things. This way you do more than say "no hitting," or "no playing with the candy jar." You get to say, "We don't hit because that's not how we take care of other people," or "we don't run through the house with special, breakable things because that's not how we take good care of our stuff." Then you follow through with a short conversation about the correct way to do things. These conversations won't stop the problems from happening, but they do help you teach your child that there is a reason for the rules we live by and that underlying reason is care.

As for your son's apologies, it's certainly good that we teach our kids to apologize, but saying sorry shouldn't get him out of facing the consequences of his actions. Two things for apologies/consequences:
1. When our kids do something wrong, we tell them to go take a break to think about what they did and why it was wrong and how they can handle things better the next time. When they're ready they can come find us to talk about it. There is no set time limit--it's not a punishment, and as our kids are preschoolers they don't usually take that long--although our eldest can get pretty worked up and it sometimes takes him a while to calm down enough to talk about anything. When the child comes to you you ask him: What did you do that was wrong? Why was that wrong? How can you do things differently next time? And if it's something he needs to apologize for, then let him apologize. Obviously for younger kids you'll have to coach him in some of his answers, but over time he'll be able to do it on his own with maybe some help from you in ideas of better ways to handle things. This process is important for getting your kid to THINK about what happened instead of just throwing out an apology he doesn't really mean.
2. The process above is not a form of punishment. Your kid is not off the hook simply for verbalizing the problem and apologizing. You still have to follow through with some kind of consequence. If your son is saving up some money for a special toy, you could have him put the money toward "replacing" the candy dish first--even if you don't want to replace it, it helps teach him the lesson. Always have him help clean up a mess if it's not dangerous. That's not really punishment but it teaches him that when you make a mess you clean it up. Sometimes natural consequences present themselves: if he breaks his toy, it doesn't get replaced (unless he saves up money from birthday, Christmas, etc.). If he hits another child at your home, the play date will have to end if your son does it again or you would leave if you're at someone else's home or a playground, park, etc.

It is A LOT of work giving young kids the foundation they need to be wonderful adults. We don't do them any favors by letting them get off easy. The better job you do with them when they're young, the easier it will be as they get older because the groundwork, the expectations, your love through limitations (which kids need and want!) will have been in place for years by that point. Sure my boys don't always like what I have to do and sometimes they feel like they don't like ME, but I remind them that is my job to teach them all they need to know as they grow up, and it's their job to learn. Best of luck!

Hi C.,

1st I know lots of mothers that are "too nice" and their children come out just fine. We can't make everyone happy and maybe you do need to be more firm, but that has to be decided between you, your husband and a counselor. I have a son with a similar problem and I'm not doing too well. So I suggest that you get counseling and don't ever stop, no matter what the counselor says. I did and now my 15 year old is in a lot of trouble and my husband is just now agreeing with me, and that we "Might" get him the proper help. Don't let anyone convince you to give up on getting help.

I have learned with a 2 1/2 year old- Put up ANYTHING valuable or sentimental that they can break. If you don't, and they can reach it, then they will destroy it. It is just the way it goes. Write/draw a list of simple house rules (make sure it's with pictures since he probably can't read yet) and post them on a wall (this helps not only him but YOU as well). Keep it VERY simple. You can even buy RULES posters at a school supply store. Show him the rules and make sure he knows them. When he breaks a rule, be firm and consistent with time outs. Set a warning first by reminding him of the rule- if he continues the behavior, set him in time out (one minute for each year of age) and tell him why. If he gets up before the timer, put him back and start over the timer. He will eventually get the point. Clear and consistent boundaries and consequences help everyone when it comes to discipline. This way, you will not be second-guessing yourself and he will not be confused when disciplined. Good luck!