Child Behavior

I understand what you are going through. When I moved in with my now husband he had a 7 yr old that is now 11. His mother has lost custody of him except 1,3,5 weekends because of her poor decisions. I think the most important thing for kids, even at the tween age, is consistancy and having a routine. They really like to know that you are going to be there and that everything is always the same. This has made my stepson much more comfortable at our home that his mothers, he rarely wants to go there on her weekends. If the routine is going to be changed in anyway, I let him know. I think he also responds better to my requests to do things, when he feels like his actions are helping everyone. He likes to feel like he is part of the decisions. When he does do well we generally give him for responsibility , like letting him use the stove and oven, rather than buying him gifts. The responsiblity makes him feel proud and is long lasting rather than a quick present that he almost immediately forgets. Again, it is that consistantcy thing. His mom consistantly buys him things he does not need and he expects it. I rarely buy him anything that he does not need, so the few times we buy something or go for ice cream ,it is a treat rather than an award. I think it also will take time for you to show your niece that you are not going anywhere. I think it took me 2 years or so before my stepson really thought I was not like his mom's "friends" who move in and move out in the same breath. And that I would always be there for him. He actually spends more time with me now than either of his parents and we have a very good reletionship, but as I said it took time and I had to prove to him I would stay and take care of him forever.

good luck, it will get easier.

Hi TJ B,
It is difficult for your neice as I am sure she has learned that she can not trust anyone. She must feel alone. When she is defiant, it is her defense mechanism, it keeps her safe and helps her to keep a distance between herself and others. Even if the environment you have provided for her were the most nurturing and affectionate ever, she may be uncomfortable because she may in the back of her mind think that she will be abandoned again. I am not sure she knows how true relationships really work. There are disagreements but after proper communication, there is a mutual understanding.
When you approach her with situations, try to not make it confrontational because that will bring her defenses up and she will not understand the true nature of your discussion. Explain to her that you had a tough experience, that your house burned down because of this fire hazard and that you are trying to keep everyone safe. She is a person and I'll bet she will respond to an approach that respects her as a person who matters. It will help her self esteem and help her to realize that you are on her side. This can be a beautiful thing for this child and may turn her life around, thank you for seeking help in working with her. This must be your soul's mission.

Hi, I am a mother of three. 13yrs., 9yrs.and 6 months. The 13yrs. and 6 month old are mine, the 10 year old is my step daughter. I have had similar problems with my stepdaughter in the past due to the fact that her mother was never a strong influence in her life and now she only gets to see her about once or twice a year. When she does get that opportunity the daughter pretty much runs the house. There is no discipline there, nor was there any before I came along. Me and my husband have custody. We have been together since just before she turned 3. The only thing I can suggest is to take her to counsling. We did this with my 9 year old and it helped her alot. She used to be very difficult and spoiled. Now she is easier to handle and talks to us a little more. It will never be easy with a child that has such a hard history. You just have to be patient and do the best you can. I doubt you are doing anything less than any other mother would do in your situation. Just stick to your guns and keep trying.

It is my thinking that because your niece has been through so much, she probably feels like she has earned the right to be adult like. She needs to understand that although she may have had to be independent, she is not now. She is a child and you are the adults, which means she does not get the luxury of arguing with you. Talk to her and recognize that she has been though a lot in a few short years, but things are very different now and instead of being combative, be happy and appreciative. She has a second chance at a real family and her attitude does not help the situation at all.
Hope this helps some.

I know where you're coming from, however, I went through the same thing with my biological daughter. I think its a preteen/teenager thing. I've had to seek professional help because I was really growing to dislike her. The lies and constant trying to make me feel like I'm imagining things were getting the best of me. The counselor helped me to learn how to communicate with her and vice versa. We kind of help each other through our tough "PMS" times now. Has she started her period yet? We are 80% better now since we've been going through counseling. My best advice to you is to seek professional counseling before you lose her forever. One of the main reason why I say this is related to her background. You'd be surprised to hear what she's feeling. Good luck.

You and your mother are the adults and she needs to be reminded of that often!! When she back talks, stop her mid sentence and remind her that she is a child and while her opinion counts in some situations this is not one of those times.

For instance with the curling irons, after she made her comment, you should have told her, that's fine, go turn the irons off. I also think you should be cognizant of the things you and your mom and your husband discuss around her. She should not be privy to adult conversations, whether it is about bills, her mom's situation or whatever. Children really do have a place (and I know that sounds harsh) and right now that place is not as an adult.

Her behaviour is disrespectful and if you don't nip it in the bud now, when she is 15/16 it will only be worse.

Good Luck

Read every John Roseman book you can get your hands on. You have got some catching up to do. Good Luck

Dear TJ,

The book that has blessed our family the most regarding parenting & discipline is Tedd Tripp's "Shepherding a Child's Heart." We love how it goes past 'behavior modification' which can often by skin deep, and cuts to the heart (the attitudes) of the child.

Also, some great friends of ours are Christian Child Psychologists. They are wonderful people, and have helped many tremendously with parenting. I believe I've posted their info in the business listings - Tom & Jill Stevens.

I pray you find the help you need.
Blessings,
R.

Sounds like she may need a child therapist/pschologist,
my daughter is 8 and acts like she is 16, she turns her-self
on/off, like for example, she is the sweetest thing to friends and teachers, then when my mom gets her (who babysits her while I am at work f/t) or I get her when I get home from work, she gives me fits, doesn't want to help, if she doesn't get her way she goes nuts, my child will start going to a child pschologist in September, I feel like there may be future problems if i don't do something now!

Your daughter is entering a hard age. When someone talks back (child or adult), they are really expressing anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Try to get to the bottom of what's eating your child, and teach her to express it in other ways. When she talks back, the best thing to do is keep your composure. Don't overreact to your child's mouthing off or get into a power struggle over her choice of words or her tone. Yet don't ignore it either. The best way to teach her to speak respectfully is to do so yourself. So tell her, "I think you can find a better way to say that." A knee-jerk "Don't you talk to me that way, you little brat!," on the other hand, won't set a very good example, and will add to her frustration.
Showing your child that you respect yourself too much to be treated this way will both model respect and earn it.

Also, offer choices. If she has some say-so during the course of her day, she'll be less likely to feel the need to assert herself in offensive ways. So give her plenty of opportunities to make choices for herself. "Do you want pasta or chicken nuggets for dinner?" Be sure to offer acceptable choices, and respect the ones she makes. Don't give your child a choice between ice cream and fresh fruit for dessert if you know that you're really trying to steer her toward the fruit and that ice cream isn't a choice you can live with.

Draw the line. Make sure she understands what is, and isn't, okay to say. So if saying that something "blows" is verboten, or if you don't appreciate her responding to an earnest explanation with a sarcastic "Duh!" make that clear. It's vital to set limits and stick to them. If you don't, you're inviting defiance.

But most importantly, GET BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR. When your child verbally lashes out at you, let her know that you care about her feelings, even if you don't approve of the way she's expressing them. Acknowledging her emotions — "Boy, you sound really angry about this"— often takes the wind out of a child's sails, because it removes you from the adversarial role. If you can get past her tone, you can focus on the message she's trying to convey.

More often than not, though, you'll need to save the soul-searching sessions for later. It's best to work on the deeper issues involved well after tempers have cooled, so revisit the subject when you can hash it out in a more level-headed way. "I know you get angry when I ask you to pick up after yourself, but did you think that calling me 'stupid' would make me back off? What would work better next time?"

Just like any adult relationship, communication is very important. You have to teach this child how to respect you. Remember that respect earns respect, so you also need to take her feelings and thoughts into consideration if you want to earn her respect. Hang in there, parenting is hard but you are doing a great thing in helping to raise and love this child.