Cheating Neighbor. Do I Tell My Friend?

AFTER READING MORE RESPONESE: Statistically speaking, wives who are cheated on tend to stay, want to forgive and work things out, especially when young children or financial security is needed.

The “good friend” who outed the cheater, is the good friend who becomes persona non grata, because they just don’t need to be reminded of what they already know and you were "the messenger"; in addition, their spouse hates you.

No more BBQ invites, Christmas parties, casual get togethers, lunches …forget about it. If she tells her husband YOU are the one that put her in the know…even worse...she, who stays, will want to distance herself as far as possible.

No....what does your safety have to do with this loser? Your friend will find out on her own and you can be there to comfort her. You don't need to say "I told you so".

If your other neighbors are so concerned why don't they contact the wife? Why....because they've heard the phrase: "They always shoot the messenger."

If you want to make him squirm (which I don't recommend), next time you run into him alone in a public place, grocery store, coffee shop, gas station, ask him about the young blonde.

Otherwise MYOB...he sounds like a loser not a preditor...I will also suggest that you take care before calling CPS, the guy may be a loser, but may not be abusing OR neglecting his children. CPS much like the regular police do not take kindly to people who file false reports. You could find yourself in hot water.

If you truly feel these children are in jeapordy, there mother should know before you report it to CPS. You wouldn't want your "friend" to lose her children at a time when she may be kicking her "dog of a husband" to the curb.

Blessings...

7 moms found this helpful

If you are absolutely sure that this girl going in isn't a babysitter or a relative, then yes, I would tell her, BUT...what I would also take out my camcorder and record this girl going into the house so that you don't look like you are trying to start trouble if her husband denies it.

M

5 moms found this helpful

Normally I'm an advocate of MYOB.

However, if this IS a girlfriend (a big IF which you need to confirm) he is not only placing his kids, his wife's health, and her reputation in danger. At the very least he is making her a fool and their marriage a mockery.

Are you home during the day? Any way you can confirm if this is not his sister, niece, housekeeper, etc? Like go over there 10 minutes after she enters....? "Oh, I'm Lisa, I live next door...and you are...?" Busted. He'll know it too. Then tell your friend.

5 moms found this helpful

I am a MYOB type.

Do you know for a fact without a shadow of reasonable doubt and have proof....? The info your husband is getting is "hearsay". IF and it is a big IF things are legit, then you end up looking like you are trying to drive a wedge between them.

I don't see how anyone except a private eye would have time to keep such a watchful eye on someone else's house and family.

If she point blank asks you something, I would be honest and only convey way I saw not hearsay.

4 moms found this helpful

I would mention it. I wouldn't say "he is cheating" I would just ask if they have a new cleaning lady or babysitter, because you have seen a young women over at her home. Let her draw her own conclusions.

4 moms found this helpful

People tend to shoot the messenger. She will want to believe him and he will have an avalanche of plausible lies. My suggestion is "load your guns." Get proof 1st and go to her in the loving spirit of help. Sad truth is, she may forgive him anyway and if you still want to be her friend, you'll have to accept that.

3 moms found this helpful

A big concern for me would be: Why are 3 'nosey' male neighbors concerned and approaching YOUR husband about something going on at SOMEBODY elses house??

3 moms found this helpful

Just tell her what you have seen, not anyone else has seen. Perhaps you can call her at work when you see the girl get there and she can run home to see for herself.

3 moms found this helpful

YES!! She and her kids need to get out of this situation. He had a chance to man up, and he blew it. Sounds like the whole neighborhood knows what's going on. How would you feel if it were you? Wouldn't you want to know?

3 moms found this helpful

absolutely.
Tell your friend.
Tell her what you saw.
And get out the camera and record it.

2 moms found this helpful

I do think you should tell under this circumstance. How do you know this girl is 18? Do you know her parents? If she is still in high school I believe they should be alerted as well. Do you know for sure the first girl was 17? 17 is not legal age. I think there is a responsibility to the community beyond your responsibility to your friend.

This does not have to be your responsibility alone. These neighbors that went to your husband are obviously concerned too. Do what you can as a community.

2 moms found this helpful

I would ask myself if I'd want to know if she knew your husband was doing this. And if I was willing to live with the fact that she might not be happy to hear it or want to remain friends with me afterwards.

Personally, my answers to those would both be yes most likely. Mainly because of the fact that he is sneaking her in while the kids are in the house. If it was some rumor you heard about him meeting someone after work and it wasn't in thier home, I'd be less likely to say get involved. But as a mom, I would be livid if I found out this was going on (when does it happen- during naptime?) and no one told me.

As for the safety aspect- if you honestly feel like he is a danger to your family, that might be a difficult situation. You shouldn't put your family in harms way. Maybe you should do an anonymous letter in that case if you feel like you should.

2 moms found this helpful

no just keep asking her who was at her house the other night. she will eventually figure it out. or bring up in casual conversation whos car is that that keeps coming over it is a ____ color_____make. otherwise you are the meddling neighbor and if he gets the house and she doesn't he could be a nightmare for you.

2 moms found this helpful

I would get proof (like a photo or something) and show it to her. I'd want someone to tell me. I'd die if my husband were cheating on me, especially with kids in the house. How can he live with himself?

2 moms found this helpful

Wouldn't you want to know???

2 moms found this helpful

Do what you would want your friends to do in your situation. If your husband was cheating, would you want your friend to tell you. I'm not saying yes or no because it is up to your answer to my question. If you do say yes, the I agree with the other posters and get a camera or camcorder so that you have definite proof.

2 moms found this helpful

I would definitely share with her what you have seen personally. You can only comment on what you have seen, as what the others have seen is only hearsay. If it were me, I would definitely want my friend to tell me! If I found out later and knew that you knew and didn't tell me I would probably be upset.

1 mom found this helpful

Yep! but do it anonymously!!!

1 mom found this helpful

If she's your friend, then yes, that is what friends do. She may already know and doesn't want to admit to herself... What do you mean you fear your safety, do you think this guy will harm your family, has he ever made a threat? If he does get a restraining order... She really needs to get out of that marriage, he'll continue to do it, he'll NEVER change until he's an OLD, OLD man...

1 mom found this helpful

please tell her and accept the consequences.... i look at this from the children prospective,,,, my father pulled the same stunts when i was growing up and the trauma and immorality left some big scars on my sisters and myself... bad choices in men, inability to committ to relationships,inability to trust men ETC,,,,, so for all those who say keep quiet .... my motto is who gets sacraficed---- the friendship or the children.... p.s this behavior can escalate... as a teen-ager i had to clean up my parent's bedroom after my father had his lady friends over.... so i bluntlly do not like my father

1 mom found this helpful

I would definatly tell her! Wouldn't you want to know if it was your husband doing this? He is putting her health at risk also. If he is cheating who knows if he has contracted an std also. Plus he has done it before. she deserves to know the truth. That is thier home and that is just sick!

1 mom found this helpful

Situations like this one are so tough. How do you know what the right thing is to do? I had a therapist tell me one time, that in these situations you have to do what you can live with. If you don't tell your friend and she finds out some other way, and she will, are you going to be able to live with the fact that you didn't say anything to her. I also live by the motto that "I would want them to tell me" if something like that was going on with my family so I'm going to tell her. Besides, what if her kids "walk in" on their dad with this little girl. If it were me, I would tell my friend. I would say to her that even though she may not want to hear what I have to say, I love her and her kids and would do anything to protect them from getting hurt. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I would tell her, I have heard (mostly people on t.v.) say that one of the most awful experiences is 'finding out everybody knew but me'. As far as the kids being in the house I think he could even get into trouble with the law for that.

1 mom found this helpful

Remember, stick to the facts. Don't use assumptions.

I like the idea of calling her at work and telling her that you saw ___________ (a young woman, description, entered her house at ___am and you've seen her do that ___ times before. You just wanted her to know since she said she doesn't have a babysitter.

You can judge from her reaction what to offer: videoing her exit perhaps. If she doesn't ask questions or confide in you, leave it at that.

I think I'd be tempted to look him up on computer to see for yourself if he has been convicted as a predator. If he has been, she may know about it as it could have been that last girl -- or more.

1 mom found this helpful

Absolutely tell your friend! I'm sure it's hard being put in that situation and that you don't want to be the one to give her information that is going to hurt her but she needs to know. It's not right and especially with their children there.

1 mom found this helpful

If you were my friend, I would want to know.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

If a friend of mine knew that my husband was cheating on me and didn't tell me, she'd no longer remain a friend.

1 mom found this helpful

Record her or take a photo of this girl going into the house. If she were my friend I would tell her and show her.

1 mom found this helpful

ask yourself if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you want the friend to do. im sure you feel hurt and disrespected if a friend kept this from you and knew the whole time. i would definately confront her and even maybe confront him.

1 mom found this helpful

Yep. She's going to find out and it'd be worse for her to find out and THEN find out you knew but didn't tell her.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's amazing that so little concern has been shown for the kids in this situation. Let the adults do whatever. Call CPS to tell them that the kids are being both abused and neglected by being in the home with their father while he "entertains."