Chating Hubby

Sounds like it's the THIRD time you've caught him-not the THIRD time he's done this if you're saying that he has chatted with MANY women! And the first two times that you've approached him, he still chooses to continue. So sorry. It's so disrespectful to you, as a woman, a wife and a mom to his kids. Big red flag!

Hi A. -- I would suggest getting counseling from a spiritual leader such as a Pastor. This is very serious and opens the door to other things that could lead to actig out instead of just typing it out. I would not take this lightly.

Just a few thoughts. My girlfriends husband was doing this and she let it go and the next thing he was on pornography sites. She addressed the issue with him and they went without the internet for over 2 years because they felt it was an addiction. When they final got the internet back she got some kind of filter from Focus on the Family that let her view any site that her husband or children went to and she also could view his e-mails and if he had any chat room activity. She could set it up to block any site she did not want in her house. Since she had the password no one could change her setting. It worked for them.

The skinny of it all is there is no joking around when talking to the the ladies. If he is just joking is lying to them and .............. You can fill in the rest.

A.,

I am so sorry that you have to deal with a cheating spouse. This is not a situation that is going to be easy. Chances are your husband has low self-esteem.

Not only is the trust gone from this marriage, but you have to be concerned about the health issues if your husband is also meeting these women for sex.

As a christian I always immediatly turn to God for answers and comfort then:

A) Demand that he never do this again. Let him know there will be repurcussions if he does it again. And then be prepared to stick to whatever it is you state you will do if he cheats on you again.

B) get counseling ASAP. You need the tools to understand how to take care of yourself and how to deal with a man that has become a stranger.

C) Eblaster.com This software will send every keystroke your husband is making in e-mails and instant messages. It will show you every website he is visiting. It is invisible to the computer owner. Prepare yourself for the shock of seeing what he really does with his time.

I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Your husband sounds like a habitual cheater. You do not deserve this behavior. It's sometimes hard to assert yourself when you are feeling like you have been victimized. This situation is so hurtful to your marriage and family.

Good Luck!

chatting or cheating?

i'll probably get slammed here, but the important question for your marriage is WHY is he doing this? his behavior crosses a line for sure, but he is seeking out other women's verbal approval and intimacy for a reason

how is your sex life? how is your friendship? what stress is going on in your life? most men stray because they are not getting something at home, but most don't WANT to

i am not defending cheating, and verbal affairs are crossing a line for sure, but having seen many friends get divorced, it usually has to do with sex, money, lack of intimacy, lack of love, and/or all of the above

best of luck, and pm me if you want to talk more

peace,
richard

EDITED FOR RESPONSE:

Maybe he's just lonely? Has anybody thought of that? I'm not condoning virtual affairs, but who hasn't flirted with somebody? None of you ladies have ever smiled at a guy in a bar or restaurant? I'm not condoning his actions, but before you brand him a heretic, divorce him, burn his belongings and end this, think about what is really going on. Only you know if there are other issues, and since you haven't posted up ANYTHING else, we don't know. Money, sex, power, work, fights, hobbies, etc. all contribute to the state of your marriage. Some of these reactions are a bit fast and unforgiving in my opinion.

Best of luck.
Richard

Hi A.,

I would be very hurt and disrespected if my husband did that. My general rule of thumb is if I'm corresponding with someone else (phone or email) then my husband should know about it. If he doesn't like it, I don't do it. I expect the same from him. If he's hiding it, there's a reason. I suggest sitting and talking with him about how you feel and if he respects and cares for you enough then he won't do it anymore. Also, you might want to find out the reason why he's doing it. Like someone else said, it may be a self esteem problem for him. I wish you good luck in your resolution.

Dear A.,

Red Flag Alert! Extremely red flag!

HA

If he is saying "they meant nothing" than there is something more to it. People generally only use that excuse when they are cheating. I used to work as a background investigator, and most of the work I did was asset searches for divorce litigations. Taking all of the money and kicking him out could cost you BIG in a divorce so DONT do it. Judges DO NOT LIKE THAT! It makes you look Bitter and you will seem to be the bad guy! This is only if you go this route.

I would really suggest marital counseling first and foremost because there is obviously something going on with your husband with regard to the marriage that needs to be sorted out and worked on. You can still save it, though both of you need to be willing to work on it. In a marriage nothing should be written, done or said which one would not want the other to find out. So now is the time to find out what is really behind his actions.

Whatever you do however, do it only for yourself and your relationship. I so often saw people staying together for the sake of the kids, which caused major problems for the kids later on in life, and really affected their relationships as they grew up. Happy healthy parents create happy healthy children, whether married or divorced. A marriage is a lot of pressure to put on small shoulders. This is the time that

Marriage counseling - stat! If he won't go, you need it for yourself. Your husband sounds passive-aggressive. He purposely does these things to hurt you and then tells you your feelings are "wrong" because he was only joking.

From what you've written, it seems like your husband has very little respect for you. I wouldn't put up with it - you shouldn't either.

Hi A.,
I find it interesting the title of your inquiry. Chating with an extra letter is cheating. If this personal chat happened once I might brush it off, however multiple times and I would start to question my husband's motives. Why does he need to chat with someone if you are available? I would sit down and ask my husband to be more open with you and ask him to begin having chats with you instead of his email friends.

M. A

A.,

Bluntly, it's absolutely inappropriate - I feel terrible for you. I don't want to add to your stress, but if you've found him doing this in black and white what else is he doing? How would he feel if you were "just joking" and talking to men on line? He's being evasive and diverting attention/saying it's a joke so you feel silly for bringing it up. I would suggest talking with someone about this - your family is in jeapordy and it's your responsibility to do what you can for your kids to get things back on track. If he won't see a counselor, go yourself - you need someone outside your personal circle to help you see the forest through the trees. I'm sorry for being so abrupt but he's totally out of line and my guess is there's more to this than him "just joking". Good luck!

A.,

Unfortunately no one can tell you what to do, but you. I, personally, would divorce him. Even if he never physically meets these women, what he is doing is emotional cheating, at best. As women emotional cheating bothers us more than physical in general.

The fact that he has done this THREE times already tells me he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I am a very jealous and unforgiving person, so, to me... this behavior would be a deal breaker. What matters though, is how YOU feel about it. Could you deal with this for the rest of your life? Are you willing to give him four strikes in this ballgame and keep shaking with fear every time he is on the computer wondering if he is looking for the next best thing again?

I wish you all the luck in the world hon. If you need to talk please send me an email.

A.,

You have two children to think about. Clearly, if your husband has done this on more than one occasion, he either thinks you don't care or he doesn't care if you know. How have you been reacting to this discovery in his presence? Only you can determine what your next step is, but my advice is get into some marriage counseling fast if you want your marriage to work or get your husband to sit down and have an open dialogue about what is going on. But no matter what you decide, you have to first think about how this will affect your children. Will staying with your husband hurt them more than help them or vice versa. Again, only you can decide what to do, but communication is key.

Good Luck!

Hi A.,

I'm sorry that your husband is doing that. I can't believe that you seem somewhat calm about it. I would be furious. I think that you should try and talk to him about why he is writing to these women. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you wrote to strange men. If I was you I would let him know how it makes me feel and I would ask him to stop.

I wish you the best!

A.,

I agree with Richard. He is doing this for a reason and for something that is missing at home. You need to talk calmy with him. If this is "nothing and just a joke" then he should be able to stop and apperently he can't, therefore, not a joke or nothing. Get counseling. Talk to him ask him what can you guys do together to make him not what to do this anymore. For his sake, he better think twice, the grass isn't always greener when he is alone without his family and you guys are working out a schedule with time with your kids.

Good luck.

In my experience, this is the beginning of the end. This is not acceptable behavior for a married person (man or woman). He must re-earn your trust and you must keep your guard up. Counseling may help, if you are both comitted. If it means nothing, he will end this behaviour and only use the computer in your presence. Please do not ignore or accept. I was once in your shoes and it ended in divorce. Good luck.

He says it means nothing, but refuses to stop when you've asked him repeatedly. That's not "nothing."

There is something going on here. Possibly an affair, or he's setting himself up to have one, or he has some kind of addiction, or *something*. It's not "nothing." If it were nothing, he would have stopped when you discovered it the first time.

Any way you can get him to some sort of family or marriage counseling?

i don't know your relationship with your husband nor does it matter. when a spouse does something that makes you feel uneasy and maybe raises a red flag in your mind, you should talk to him about it. from your post i am assuming you talked and told him how it made you feel. and if after that he still does it, knowing youdon't approve i would think that he is not taking your feelings into consideration which is not good. i would talk to him again about it and make absolutely sure that you tell him that you don't like it and that it makes you uneasy. if he continues i would turn and ask yourself is this something that you can live with or not. it's completely up to you, but really even if it is something that you can live with, your husband not taking your feelings into consideration....is that something you can live with .

It's tough but you must listen to what your heart and gut are telling you. I believe that we all have an instinct to know that something is not right. I think it is possible to work through these things but your husband has to know that YOU DO NOT ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR. Even if in his eyes this is innocent...if it hurts you or derespects you he should not be doing it. Good Luck.

I seriously think that if your husband is doing this, he needs to stop. He can say that he was joking and that they meant nothing, but he is going to get burnt one of these days and then you will have real problems. If he loves you and your two children he will quit doing this, it only leads to problems!!

Lots of good advice already...marriage counseling, open up lines of communication, you need to do what is right for you and your family. One additional piece of advice, print anything and everything that proves his personal chatting. If this does end up in divorce, you will be glad you have the evidence.

This is your marriage you should do what is right for you and your children.

My advise would be to gather up every legal document (anything with value ie cemetary plots, reciepts for that flatscreen etc) and put them somewhere safe, max out every credit card with cash advances and go to the bank to get every dime on payday, take a baseball bat to every precious thing he has, put his clothes on the lawn, change the locks and call a lawyer.

If this advise is too drastic then just call a lawyer. It's free to talk. Or find a 'divorce counselor' for the two of you. Why divorce? to send a clear message that this is going to stop.

He's lying. This is just the start. You have to act fast and be firm. Make it clear you will not put up with this behavior. If you have family let them know what you are going through and ask for help.

Good luck, D. Neises

My first question to him would be "Why?" Why does he feel the need to "chat" with other women in a personal manner? I've been married for 7 years (together for 10) and I can tell you that if my DH was doing this, there'd be some major discussion going on.

Although Richard's post may sound a little harsh, what he wrote makes a lot of sense. I rarely hear that spouses cheat just on a whim. There's usually a deeper rooted issue that hasn't been addressed. It's not about pointing fingers and placing blame/fault. But, if your marriage is important to you - it's something that needs to really be looked at as a whole.

If it were my husband, I'd really be looking for an answer as to why he felt the need and go from there. But, that would have happened the first time around. IF we were able to get past it, it would have been crystal clear that it wasn't acceptable. If it happened a second time - I don't think I would have been as open to talking. But, that's just me. I'm a pretty black and white kind of person.

Good luck.

He claims he is joking let him know you don't find this funny and it is hurtful for him to behaving this way ask him what if it was you chating with other men would it be joking then. If you can stop this behavior because if this is the third time he's not taking you serious let him know how you feel