Changing My Last Name

I never married my daughter's dad, so her last name was my maiden name. When I got married 9 years after she was was born, I took my husband's name. I didn't realize until after he and I divorced how much it bothered her that she didn't have the same name as either of her parents.
When the man to whom I a am now married proposed, I told him that I was not changing my name to his, and told him about my daughter's distress the last time. I felt that, until she was grown, it was more inportant that she and I have the same name than that he and I have the same name. If the name thing was a deal-breaker for him, then he could change his name to mine.
He actually considered that, until he began researching what it would take for him to do so - not just changing his ID's, but all his business accounts, etc. He asked me if it was as big a pain in the arse for women, and I told him that it was. He just shook his head and said, "Damn , y'all must love us!"
With or without your husband, you are your son's mom. IMO, until he's grown, his need to identify with you comes first.

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Something to consider: when married, the spouse comes first. If you choose to marry someone new but keep the name of your previous spouse, you may be indicating a reluctance to commit yourself fully to your new spouse. If you are keeping your former surname to have the same name as your child, is that indicating a greater loyalty to your child than to your husband? Children do best when they see their parents as a unified team, whether they're step-parents or not. Parents' loyalty to each other provides a stable base for the child to build on, so they can eventually become independent and create their own homes. Consider too, if you should have any children with your new husband, how you would deal with that. :)

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I personally feel like a previous poster state, the name difference between you and your child is a lot and more common these days and easier to explain than keeping your ex-husbands name while married to another man. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING qualifies anything as normal these days, so do whatever you want. I don't think many people outside of real "out of the way" small towns are surprised by anything different and "unusual" anymore.

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My husband and I both took each other's last names, so we have the same hyphenated last name. All three of our children have hyphenated last names - so we are living the hyphenated thing. Take my advice - DON'T HYPHENATE. I still am dumbfounded at how many people have never heard of it. Many computer systems - including hospitals and classmates.com do not allow hyphens in their name fields. People get really confused when we introduce ourselves. We have to spell it out all the time. I even tell my, still very young, children that when they get married they should choose one name and stick with it. We chose to hyphenate for many different reasons, but one of them, I guess, was a crazy feminist idea that I didn't want to be traded like property from having one man's last name to another's. However, that turned out to be silly and prideful. I have a wonderful husband that doesn't treat me like "property". I should have just taken his name and been done with it.

My advice is to go ahead and take your husbands name. A name isn't really that important, but it demonstrates a commitment to your husband and it makes things much less confusing to other people. It is very common to have a blended family and your child's different name isn't as difficult to explain as having a name different from your husband's.

I hope that is helpful. Blessings to you and your decision.

D.

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I would change it to your husband's last name. When I was a kid, my parents divorced and my mom kept my dad's (her ex-husband's) last name so she wouldn't have a different name than her kids, but I always thought that was wierd, because they weren't married anymore. I thought she should have changed it back to her maiden name (or, of course if she remarried I would expect her to change to the new guy's). So I just don't think you should keep your ex-husband's name, although that is your kid's name. Like I said, when I was a kid, it certainly wouldn't have bothered me if my mom changed her name. I would think that would be very upsetting to a husband for his wife to keep her ex-husband's name, even if he doesn't complain about it. Oh yeah, I wouldn't hyphenate. That is kind of weird, since I am assuming your son's last name is also your ex husband's last name. You should only hyphenate if it is your maiden name. Good luck on your decision!

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S., I am married now for 14 years and kept my maiden name. Most of my female friends did too. However, Is your son's last name the same as your previous husband's? If so, what you are really doing is hanging on to the previous marriage. You should either use your maiden name or change it to match your CURRENT husband. That makes sense doesn't it?

Congrats on having a patient husband.
M

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Your son will one day be proud to have his bride take his last name and you should be proud to take your husband's name. Not that a name changes who you are, but to me it shows acceptance of your new marriage/commitment. If your son's father died while you were married, you could do the hyphen but only then. My mom remarried and had a different name and I never thought about it. I think it would have seemed disrespectful for her to not set this example for me about the commitment she was making to her new husband/my step-dad. Your son will one day leave your home to hopefully be a strong, independant man. Show your independence and pride to the world with your new name.

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I don't mean to sound simplistic about it, but you married this man and have chosen to spend the rest of your life with him. Take his name!

Your son, like it or not, will have his own life in fewer years than you can imagine and you will still (hopefully) be with your husband with a different last name if you do not act now. Simply explain to your son that the last name he has is his dad's and that you are not married to his dad anymore. You still love him and you are still family and the name thing may be confusing at school, but you'll work through it together.

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I am also in a similar situation. I have two sons from a previous marriage and remarried almost two years ago. I kept my previous name because of my boys. I now have a 9 month old who has a different last name as me.I considered hyphenating my name but there are so many issues when you do that. I now think that I am going to change my last name to my husbands but keep the other name as my middle name.
That way when I introduce my self or on my business cards the name is:
first middle(previous lastname)last(new lastname). (Its hard to explain this without using real names.)
Hope this helps!

S., i've read some of the comments...there's several options for you...my sister hyphenated her last name with her 1st & 2nd married names. She was carrier military and originally went in under her 1st married name...so she hyphenated...but now that she's out of the military, for the most part she still goes by that 1st married name even tho she's still married to her 2nd husband....i, on the other had married a "smith" both times and so both of my boys are 'smiths and no one knows the difference....it sounds to me like you are really struggling with this issue..i think you have to do what will make you comfortable...keep in mind that your kids will grow up and move on but hopefully your husband is forever....i kinda liked the idea of the hyphenated but only using the husbands name unless it was a "kid" related situation....one of the other folks suggested it...good luck, just figure out what works for you....R.

Why doesn't your current husband adopt your son? Then you can BOTH change your name!

M.
www.enidmg.com

Since your husband never mentions it, it must bother you a lot more than it bothers him. I kept the same last name as my child even though it did bother my husband. He eventually understood that even if he was a little disappointed, he is a grown man and can understand the situation a lot better than a child who can't understand why their mother doesn't have their last name. If you hyphenate, it sort of defeats the purpose because then you really don't have the same last name as your husband or your child. You should not feel guilty, you are doing what a loving supportive mother should do. Forgive yourself and go on, be grateful you have such a supportive husband now.

Hello, i am a mother of 3 boys, 2 of my sons from a first marriage and my 3rd from my current husband. I didn't want to change my last name because my first 2 sons were still in school and i didn't want them to feel strange that their mom had a different last name. I told my husband this right off the bat, before we got married. I decided to hyphen my name so my name is T. Friga-Clinton. When my middle son graduates high school i think i will drop the Friga and just be T. Clinton. My husband however doesn't complain, he really doesn't like it, but since i him aware of that before we were even married, he accepts it.

If your husband were to adopt your son then he could change his last name. I don't really have any other suggestions. The hyphenation thing you mentioned sounded like a good idea.

I feel that many people are way too concerned with last names. After my divorce I changed my last name to a very unusual one, one that is just mine. My daughter changed her last name after she turned 18 to something she chose for herself, and my son did the same when he turned 18. The fact is, if you have a good relationship with your children, they will not care that your name is different. And speaking as an administrator in the medical profession, and formerly in education, I will say that hyphenated names create many problems, and are terribly annoying. Most insurance cards do not have the hyphenated name, and many claims are returned and we have to change the name on the claim to match what is on the card, and the patient does not understand why we have their name different on the chart.
M.

I am not in the same situation as you regarding getting remarried. I did however keep my maiden name when I got married. I have been married 14 years. I use my first name, maiden name then married last name. No hyphen. (You could say I replaced my middle name with my maiden name.) If I were in your situation I would choose to drop my maiden name (what I have been using as a middle) start using my sons last name as my middle and my new last name as my last. I would definately keep some part of my name the same as my childs while they are young and in school. When they are grown and move on I would drop the middle name (same as childs).

I would ask your husband how he honestly feels about you not changing your last name. If he does have issues with it, then hyphenate the names. Or if it would make YOU feel better, then hyphenate it.

Who are you, primarily? Aside from being your unique self, would you rather be identified as _______'s wife or as ________'s mother? And how will you answer that in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years? The marriage is the permanent relationship; parenting is temporary.

I have been divorced 2 times. My 2 oldest daughters from my first husband had his last name, they're both married now and changed their father's last name for their married last name. In my case because I was not proud of my ex-husband and his conduct related us, I changed my last name to my maiden's. I did the same the second time I divorced. I'm married now and I use my maiden's name and my husband's last name. It is for me the best of both worlds!
I guess it depends what is the meaning of your own last name, does it define who you are? Does it bring good / bad memories? How does your husband feel about it? You are the one living with it, it's your choice!

Hugs, R.

Dear S.,
I too had/have a similar problem with a little twist. My maiden was rather common "Jones" and I my first husband had the same last name, so I didn't have to change it because we were both Jones' and then we had two sons together and then we got divorced. When I remarried my husband wanted me to take his name, and I understood that, but I didn't want to have a different last name than my children. I decided to hyphenate my name so I could keep some connection to the boys and honor my current husband as well. When I am in social settings ( a business dinner for him etc.) I just introduce myself as his wife and use only his last name, but on all school documents and my drivers liscense etc. I have the hyphenated version. I am fortunate that my maiden name is the same as the boys last name so it doesn't appear that i am stuck on my ex-husband. But what it really boils down to is that a name is not nearly as important as the actions of that individual and noone else has to live your life other than you . So you do what you feel most comfortable with and I am sure it will all work out just fine!
J. J-P

you have a great husband not to say a word about it. But if I were you I would change my name. Keeping your last name means you are not moving forward from the past. If you were married before that just keeps you connected to the past. You have a new life and new adventure. Your son will understand. In God's word he said when you marry you become one. One flesh. So in honoring your husband it is the right thing to do.
T

Change your name, dear. You are making a new problem by trying to pretend that there was not an old problem.

Maybe I'm a better Mother than a wife but I totally believe the decision should lie in your son's hands. Will it bother him if you change it? If not go for it. If so wait until he is 18 than do it. I would sit down with your son & explain the traditional way of taking a husbands name but validate what he feels about the situation. My God son has a different last name than his whole family. He is 12 now and just told his mother that it bothers him that he is not part of the family. She of course explained to him the name had nothing to do with him being a part of the family but that had no bearing on him because the name thing bothers him that much. His real dad only pops into the picture every couple of years. His stepdad is in the process of trying to adopt him so they can change his name to theirs but his real dad won't give consent, they can get around this if he doesn't have a presence in his life for 2 years but the man always shows up a day before they could legally take that action.

Hi
I actually just had that same exact issue.
I wanted the same last name as my children but wanted to honor my husband also.
We were married in july 07 & I just last month changed my last name.
My children had no problems w/it.My husband wanted me to have his last name but didnt push the issue..
In the end I decieded to change bc my children (both are girls will if god willing both marry & they will take their husbands last name & when their both grown ..i thought now..I dont want my exs last name forever

As a woman, you usually assume you are not going to keep your maiden name throughout your life, and it is common not to have the same last name as your children, espcially if you have divorced and remarried. The fact is that your ex-husband is always the father of your child, but you are no longer the wife of your ex-husband. I think keeping the ex's last name shows more loyalty to your ex than it does to your child, in my opinion. I think it is a big thing to men for the wife to change her name when they marry, whether they say so or not. I kept my maiden name when I married the first time, and though my then-husband didn't say much, he secretly resented it, and it did bother him. We eventually divorced, and my children have hyphenated last names consisting of their father's last name and my maiden name as I gave them at birth. I have since remarried, and this time, I changed my name to my husband's. We have children together who have our last name and children separately who have different last names. The girls are going to grow-up, marry, and change their last names (more than likely). My husband's ex kept his last name to match their daughter, which I find pretty silly beause her other son has her maiden name, and the daughter is going to change hers when she gets married, anyway. She could have gone back to her maiden name to match her other child instead of keeping her now-ex's name to match the other child. Is that favoritism, especially when the one with the non-matching name is a son, and the matching name is a girl? The son will forever have the same name. The son will always have the last name of his father (or whatever he was given at birth). I think children understand about women changing their names when they get married, and I think WE make a much bigger deal out of the name thing than children do. They know who their parents are, same last name or not. I think you might be surprised to dig inside your husband's brain and find that it might actually bother him you didn't want to "mesh" into one, so to say, by taking his last name. I know because I've done it both ways. I think women should have the right to choose, but it isn't worth causing a problem in the marriage over insistance on keeping your last name when you marry. Think about just whose family you want to "belong" to by name now, anyway? Your child belongs to both you and his father's families, so having the father's last name is one thing to him but something different to you now that you are no longer related to your ex. Think about it.

Have you both considered having your husband adopt your son, and you take you husband's name, too? Then everyone's last name would be the same. You will be with your husband for the rest of your life, God willing, and your son will eventually leave the nest. Your son will adjust. Just a thought!

Well, I'm on my 3rd marriage and this is the first time I've changed my name to my husband's. My son has his father's name (my 2nd husband) so he has never had the same name as me. None of my husbands (geez that sounds bad!LOL) have ever cared one way or another if I changed my name. I tihnk it is what feels right for you, especially if your husband isn't concerned. I think hyphenating would be a great way to compromise though. I did think about doing that but Tarantino-T. is just too long. Actually, Tarantino combined with anything is too long cuz the name is long as it is. LOL

Seriously though - do what feels right for you. At this point you would have to pay for the name change so you have to determine if it is worth the money.

C.
www.purelybalanced.com

I married my first husband at the start of my career out of college so changing my name when we married was not a problem. When that marriage ended after almost 10 years, I had time to think about whether to change it back to my maiden name. I decided to keep my first husband's last name because it would be the same as my daughter's last name. It was also how everyone knew me professionally and I had a lot of credit established by that time. In addition, having to explain my new last name to everyone I spoke to on the phone didn't seem appealing at all because I would feel like I had to explain the reason for the name change.

When I remarried three years later, I faced the name change question again. Additionally, my new husband's last name was Smith and there were four other C. Smith's in my area. I still wanted to honor my husband by taking his name though. Plus I had known other couples that had completely different last names and it was a bit confusing at first wondering whether they were married or just partners in life. People just seemed confused how to refer to them until they knew them well enough to ask an awkward question.

I decided to keep my first last name and added Smith onto the end. My husband is a secure guy and understood my reasons for my decision. An additional benefit is that I'm the only C. P. and financial institutions and utilities don't get me mixed up with any other C. Smiths when they look me up in their system.

The only thing that is a bit challenging is that I don't hyphenate the two last names -- I just separate them with a space. When people are entering my data in their system (like at a doctor's office), they mistake Perrien for my middle name and enter it in their system that way. When I check in somewhere and the receptionist asks for a last name and I tell her the double name, she assumes that I misunderstood her and gave her my first name too and is confused because she can't find me in the system. Hyphen or no hyphen, that would still happen.

I'd still do it in a minute. Sounds like your husband isn't the least bit threatened by it.

When I got married in February, I took my husband's last name. But, I also kept my maiden name, as a 2nd middle name. So I have 4 names. All 4 names are on my drivers license & social security card. This actually turned out to be a great decision because I can still use my bank checks & card that have my maiden name because my maiden name is on my ID! :)

I'm not sure how old your son it, but I think he's old enough to understand. Talk to him about it & see how he feels about you changing your last name to your husbands. Then you can surprise your hubby & change to his last name for your 5th wedding anniversary. Good luck!

I'm not really the type of person to do the whole hyphen thing but I recently divorced and chose to keep my boy's last name. When my own parents divorced and both remarried I felt like my little sis and I were left all alone and both our parents went of and found new families. I do think if my mom had hyphenated her last name that would have been just one more little way I felt I was still apart of the new family dynamic.

i have been with the same guy for almost 7 years now and we are not married so therefor i have a different last name as my girls so they always say my name and add their and their dads last name. so i think if you hyphenate it he( your son) and you will be o k. as long as you are married you can change your last name when your son is old enough and you feel comfortable. Good luck

Hi S.,

I can only speak from my experience...my husband's last name is extremely important to him. It ties in with his character and his being a good husband and father. He does not want to tarnish the good name that his parents handed down to him.

While it's been so long, and although you do seem to have an understanding husband now, I'd suggest you take his last name not keep the last name of another man. Use the hyphenated last name for your son and he'll have the best of both worlds.

Best of luck to you.

W. Q

I had the same issue. I've now been married for almost 15 years to a wonderful man, now I use his name. But when we first married my children were 2, 6, and 10 years old. I decided to hyphen my name. I kept the last name of my children and hyphenated it with his. Example "Allen-Burrus". This worked great. Then whem my children were almost grown I just stopped using the Allen portion.

I also did not change my name when my husband and I married.
(I do not have a child from a previous marriage.) Our daughter's last name is my last name and her middle name is my husbands. If we had a son he would have my husband's last name (my last name as his middle name).

Do not change your name out of guilt. Change your name if you WANT to change your name. It sounds like your husband is understanding; confirm with him that this is not an issue for him.

Note: My brother and I grew up with a different last name than our stepfather, mother and sister. As long as you and your husband and son have a happy, healthy, loving relationship the last name difference won't matter between you & your husband (if you keep your son's last name) nor between you & husband and your son (if you change your last name).

Be true to yourself and you won't go wrong.

i would hyphenat it that would make your husband feel alot better

Did you know that in Canada it is the norm for the woman to NEVER change her name to her husband's name. The woman is forver and ever her own name. The children of course are expected to take the fathers last name. My friend is Canadian and when I asked why this was she said it was easier...even for the government.
If that were the case here, you would have no problem. I like the idea someone else had about asking your son what he thought about it and then doing something special like change it on your 5th anniversary.

Dear S.,

I reccomend you break with tradition, .. change your name to whatever you want,. Your son is your son, your ex is who he is and your new husband is who he is and they all know what their name is because they are men. We women can have an identity crisis sometimes .. .. When i was 42 and divorcing yet again, i didn't want any of my 5 former names (2 maiden names & 3 married names) now i've had my self created (legally) name for 15 years and i'm quite satisfied. Who are you S.? It's important that you know who you are apart from the men in your life. .. and perhaps apart from the tradition of the society you find yourself born into. It's up to you. Congratulations on finding a husband who loves you for who you are no matter what your name is. Paradoxically, it's important and it's not.
K.