"Change in Plans"

Bagging a dinner because of a concert: Not cool. But is it worth ditching this couple as friends? Probably not. If they keep on finding other stuff to do rather than come to your home? Yeah, that would become an issue. Can I assume here that they do not have children, or at least not young children, so they may not actually "get" that it was a big effort for you to do this?

Your being upset at expecting to dine with them "after the baby is born" and not doing so until the baby is five months old: You're overreacting. The friends might actually have felt that five months old is pretty tiny still. Did you interpret "after the baby is born" as being -- when? When the baby was three weeks old? Six weeks? Two months? Neither they nor you were clear about what "after the baby is born" means. I think your reaction may be more about hormones and emotions than about any real slight intended by these friends. Let this go.

Your mom and the beach trip: "Hey, mom, I have to say, this is the first I've heard of this and these plans for the beach were set back in November. We have rented the house for the entire week, too. If you really feel you must go see brother and GF, well, that's your choice, but I have to say that I am disappointed that such long-standing plans are getting changed within weeks of the trip, and disappointed that you will not be there with the grandkids the entire time as we had planned."

If that doesn't guilt her good, nothing will. But the point, more than the guilt, is TELLING her how you feel. She can be rude and hurtful about leaving, but you do not have to sit there and take it silently. I would not dredge up "you like brother better than me" stuff but I would ensure that she knew I was not happy with longstanding plans being changed.

Is it an option to invite brother and GF for that one weekend as well? If not, and if mom and dad do leave to see him, well -- as you note there are already issues between you and brother, so add this to the stack. But do not expect your mother to behave differently. You already know that she favors your brother, so why would you expect her to act differently in this one case? It's sad if she can't, but you and your family will still get a beach trip and can have family time without her and your dad -- a breather from them, if you see it that way.

I would feel the same as you. Sad, a little angry and hurt. But now, having gone through things like that I have also learned people are imperfect and not thinking a lot of times about others. Mostly about themselves. So I would enjoy the time together now and have fun even while they are not around.But that IS the current me. The old me would have spent weeks, perhaps months or years sulking about it. And frankly I was the only one hurting. You are right your friend made a bad choice on priorities. Your mother is (dare I say it) rather selfish. Both may realize that one day. In the meantime plan what you will do for the three days without them and find a different concert you can see (ah revenge is always fun). You see, you will feel better. I promise.

I think your feelings are totally normal. I would feel the same way, and I don't have PPD, just PMS. But still, I would be hurt and take offense to both of those situations.

I would make a concerted effort to stop being a door-mat. Sounds like you may have learned this early in childhood thanks to your mom.

I'm not saying to be rude or difficult with people, but I would start being less available to people who do not reasonably respect your time.

With my parents and the beach vacation, I would say "Mom if that's what you really want to do then do it. But we're disappointed." And then I would never make such arrangements again. Let her do that stuff from now on.

I'm so sorry you've had this dynamic in your life. But you can change it. I have. It's painful to recognize it, and sometimes I have to walk through things alone - but I'd rather be alone than dis-respected. I've just reached that point in my life. And some really good people have come into my life since then.

Good luck.

First of all you do sound a bit hormonal.
I become more sensitive during these times.

Remember, communication is your friend. I am sure you are a polite person, and do not want to sound whiney or needy, but if these things are beginning to bother you, you do have a right to speak up.

Mom, I am surprised that there is not another time you could visit brother. We had this trip planned, so that we and the kids could spend a full week together. It has been on the books since November.

I feel like you are making brothers plans a priority over al of us.

To your friends, in your mind you must have had a time frame in mind, but she was being polite. Not really thinking, you were wanting a celebration, she was just going to throw together a meal and you all join them, at some point. You were really needing this, but it is not happening the way you envisioned. Since it is her event, it is hard to be honest, unless she is a super good friend and then you could say...I am really missing sending time with you, like we used to do,how can we really a plan to be together?

Maybe invite them up to that house when your mom leaves?

I noticed the more we got into parenting, the crazier our lives all got... And friends that did not have children or had older children were just on different schedules. They had some extra freedoms and were taking advantage of this.

Speak up about what you really want or expect, otherwise no one will know your feelings and expectations.

I think it's your emotions being a little tender or raw in regards to your friends. However, that doesn't mean that they aren't being rude. They are.

Some people think out loud. I think your friend is one of those people. She doesn't "get" that saying what she is thinking TO you means that you would expect what she said to happen. It's a personality thing that is really bothersome.

You're upset with your mother because she continues to diss you in favor of your brother. This is an ongoing thing and what you feel is normal. Shame on your mom. At least you know this about her. Maybe you shouldn't be offering her a free week anywhere since she does this.

Annoyed by friend but happy parents were leaving early to enjoy own family.

Hmm... can you invite the friend to join you at the beach after your mom and dad leave?

J.:

I'm ssssooo sorry your friends are, in my opinion, dissing you.

The good thing? They were honest about what was going on in their lives. Now you are a tad sensitive, sorry. Postpartum hormones can do that to you.

Yes, they are being honest. However, their actions are rude.

DO NOT hold your girlfriend to the plans about doing something after the baby. You know - people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime...she just might be one of the seasonal friends. It's OKAY to move on. Really. Yeah, it will hurt. But really - she doesn't have more than one child and doesn't understand the complexities of having more than one child and since hers is almost 6 years old - she might have forgotten what it's like to have a baby in the house.

As to the situation with your parents? Problem with your brother or not - that's just freaking rude. I can hear the resentment and jealousy in your words for your brother. Please....I beg of you - LET IT GO...it's ONLY hurting you.

If your mom wants to critique your life...do you think she might do the same with your brother when you are not around? You are an adult. You can tell your mom ENOUGH! Really. It's okay to tell your mom she has done her job in raising you and that you don't need to hear her negative commentary on your life. You can say this to your mom without being rude. But you need to be able to set boundaries with your mom. If she can't respect that- then tell her - thanks. Your time with us will be minimal until you can control your tongue and critiquing.

So what would I feel in these two cases? It's more than two cases...it's four.

1. Friend - I would back off the relationship. Really. What do you really have in common any more?

2. Brother - let the anger go. Let the resentment you have towards your brother go. If you can't have him in your life - fine. But STOP with the resentment. Please. You are ONLY hurting yourself. it's like acid and putting holes in your life. It's not affecting him.

3. Mom - tell her enough. Tell her you are tired of being compared and critiqued. Tell her if she doesn't want to come at all - that's fine too. Your family will do just fine without her there. (yes, it's rude, but she's being doubly rude to cut her time with you short to be with your brother). is there enough room at the beach house to invite your brother? maybe you could air out your differences for once and either cut each other out of your lives or learn to deal with each other - warts and all.

4. Hormones - keep in mind that since you have a baby in the house, your body is being influenced by lack of sleep, hormones and pressure in general (you've state many times on here you are wanting a bigger house - save too much and are afraid of spending too much). Please do something for yourself - hire a baby sitter and go get a massage, manicure and pedicure...

Good luck!

eh these people are a-holes. Find better friends. Cant do much about your mom. Enjoy yourself anyway! Eff em

The first one could be about prioritizing, or it could be just that socializign is more difficult for some when kids are involved. Okay, she only has one, but her one takes all her energy right now. As you know, as your children's needs change and they development, each stage brings something different. It might be kinda old hat for you with your three, while every moment with her one has her working hard to keep up. It could be just a mismatch for you right now. Just be patient with her and continue to seek convenient times on each calendar. This might seem like a trail of disinterest, but it could be coincidental or just a sign of a frazzled mother.... Maybe her husband decided that the band would be a great outing for them, to heal something in their marriage. I mean, you really never know someone else's circumstance. Keep your calendar handy. Let her know that it's important to you. Then, just live your life with your family.

Regarding the second issue, yeah, I woudl certainly take exception. Right or wrong, I would have to open my mouth and ask why my mother couldn't just say that this weekend was booked, since it actually was. If she sees you often, then it might not occur to her that staying for the entire time is impoortant to you. She might even assume that you want alone vacation time with your hubby and kids. I hate that, but people make and act on those assumptions all the time. Also, if your mother knows of some discourse between you and your brother, she might be trying to please both of you so as not to appear to be playing favorites. Parents can sometimes go overboard trying to keep things "equal". I think that you should let her know what you had expected for your vacation and what you would like; she can't respond to what she doesn't know, and you can't hold her responsible for knowing if you don't actually say the words. If she still opts to visit with your brother, then you know that your set-in-stone plans can sometimes be unset on her end.

I can't relate to the parents thing but can with the friend and yes, I would be po'd. I've moved a fair amount in my life so made many good friends along the way but how many are really good friends? I really try to live the "you can only control yourself" thing but I still get mad. Some people are just so self centered. You went to all the trouble of getting set for a dinner party when you have 3 little kids and they want to leave early?? Now what do you do? I guess I wouldn't invite them again... But as my mom tells me, if I am too intolerant, I'll have no friends. Sometimes that's the route I want to go yet of course that's no fun. And I do have some very considerate friends. THey just don't all live near me... So I guess I'd be po'd at your friend and not reschedule unless she makes a big effort and this time she should either host or bring a lot of the food. I might say - if she asks to reschedule - that your house is easier but after getting so much prepped last time and then she kind of backed out, would she help with the food this time? I'd also think about how much you really like her. She may not be worth preparing a whole other dinner. Sorry. People can really suck. I guess they say if you have 2 or 3 real, true friends to count yourself lucky. I think my problem is I have way more friends than that and expect most of them to be real, true friends and that's not realistic.

In the case of the friends, I think you need to see it for what it is. People make an effort when they really want to. You know that saying "he's just not that into you?" It's true with friends as well. I'm not saying this to be mean, I just feel like it's not worth getting your feelings hurt over, because if people aren't interested in spending time with you then you should focus your attention, love and friendship elsewhere, it's not worth it.
As far as your parents, if they want to leave a few days early, so be it. Why does that have to cut your holiday short? They will be with you for four full days, and you'll have the rest of the week not having to worry about entertaining them. I would think that would be a GOOD thing, and more relaxing for your family. I always enjoyed spending time with my in laws but any trips we did together never lasted more than a few days. They loved us and their grandkids but you know, they were older and it was tiring being around us I'm sure!