Cancer...urrggg!!

What does your mother want?
I have lost three of my gransparents to cancer, two when I was young and one when I was an adult. My gradfather lived life to the fullest (trips, vacations, parties, you name it!) until his very last days, which he spent with my mom taking care of him. During that time they went through old photos and home movies together and he helped her to rmember who everybody was.
That was all he wanted.

I had a co worker pass from cancer not too long ago. She was VERY involved at our workplace, worked here for 20+ years. It took only one year from diagnosis to her death. She went on an RV trip with her family during her last weeks and we had a send-off for her at work. That was what she wanted.
I hope that your family has a wonderful time with her during the next months!
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I am very sorry to hear about your mother's prognosis. I just lost my father less than a month ago to liver cancer. He was given 3 months to live and ended living a year and a half. All i can tell you is spend every second you have with her and appreciate it every minute. It is gonna get much harder and much worse for you to watch her waste away, sorry but that is the honest fact. All you can do is be there, tell her you love her, tell her thank you and when you see her suffering let her know it's okay for her to leave and that you will be okay. No matter how hard it is for you to watch, it is a thousand times harder for her to live thru it.

You sound like a strong person and you will get thru this, but it's out of your control and all you can do is what you feel is right. Just love her and let her know you love her. I found there was no way to prepare for the moment I saw my father take his last breath but when he did I saw him rest and be at peace and that was comforting enough to know he was no longer suffering.

I'm also not very religious but found comfort in reading about general spirituality, native american rituals and just finding my own peace to believe in. Good luck, hang in there and although you will hurt and be sad, you will be okay.
R. Q.

2 moms found this helpful

C., my heart goes out to you and your mom and family. You all have had a long tough row of it. I think that the rest of the journey is now about preparing to say goodbye. Also for your mom to say goodbye to her family. The scrapbook is a great idea. You could work on it with her looking on, a project that brings back happy memories, and provides an activity that is using her mind to help keep from the dark depressed thoughts possibly drowning her spirit.

Don't walk on pins and needles. Show love and acceptance, listen and hold her hand, reminisce about the good times you have had. It will help her come to terms with her loss. It is her loss too, not just the ones left behind.

Make sure you get her last wishes so that you know what she'd like at her funeral, if that isn't already written down. Work on her obit - I know that sounds hard, but do it anyway. My mom and I had to stay up all night writing it the night that Daddy died. Make sure you know where all the paperwork you need is - the funeral home can tell you what to have prepared.

Have her list who she wants to have certain things - perhaps she'd just like to give them while she is still here so that the familiy members can say thank you. If your dad is still with you, this will undoubtedly help him - I'm sure he'd be glad for you to take the reins.

It's harder to do this in the middle of intense grief, so don't wait.

Prayers and my best to you all,
D.

1 mom found this helpful

You may have already had this suggestion but I couldn't read all of the answers b/c I started to get weepy after just two of them. Hope this helps.

My mum passed away from breast cancer that metastasized to her liver and then her bone and brain. I was able to spend most of her last month with her thanks to a very understanding boss, and I am so thankful that I was able to be there with my dad for her last time. However, looking back, I wish I would have taken a month (or even a week!) to spend with her earlier, when she was still able to be up and about and before the cancer started "short-circuiting" her brain and clouding her understanding of what was really going on. We knew for three and a half years that cancer would eventually take her (she was given 18 months at her original mets diagnosis but kept fighting for over twice as long) and I wish I had taken more time to be with her before things really went downhill.

I had planned to do an audio recording with her, kind of an interview, to save some of her memories and stories. I had a list of questions to ask her but on the day I hoped to do it (about five months before she passed and when she was still mentally sharp) she was tired and probably didn't want to accept that me asking those questions meant that she wouldn't be there to tell those stories to her grandkids so she asked me to wait. And then I didn't take the time to try again until it was too late. I have one recording session of her and my dad that I can play for my kids so they will be able to hear her voice, but I wish I had more. Then again, I didn't want to push my will on her. I just wish I'd spent more time with her earlier and been able to ask for the recording a second time.

Be honest with her and your family and talk to everyone about your concerns and questions. That will help them do the same with you. So sorry that you are going through this.

Also, call hospice ASAP. The nurses that came to our house went above and beyond to help make sure my mum's last month was as pain free and comfortable as possible.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,
I'm so sorry about what you and your mom are going through. Cancer sucks, that's for sure. I'll pray that she has more time than you have been told.
Just one piece of advice that a friend gave me when my stepfather was near the end: Take time to talk to your mom and tell her how much you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you/your kids, etc. It might be awkward to initiate, but the fact that you have expressed your love and concern to your mom will bring you much, much comfort down the road.
I love the idea of doing a video diary or a photo collection. You know your mom. You could buy her a journal. It might encourage her to start sharing memories from her childhood, early mommy days, etc that will surely be a treasure to her family. I think there are even books you can buy that ask questions like "What do you remember most about your childhood?", etc. That might be nice.
I think if your mom is your best friend, you can (and should) be open and honest with her about her condition. Otherwise it will be like the 900 pound gorilla in the room, right? Follow her lead and you will be just fine.
Again--I'm sorry about your mom's diagnosis. Even though you're not religious, I'll say a prayer for her and you today. God bless.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh my, Big hugs for you and your family, I work in a cancer hospital and I see this all the time.
I can tell you that nothing makes you "ready" for it just easier, so yes I would talk to her. Talk every chance you can about everything you felt, memories you too share, what you love about her. Everything, so you do not say one day I wish I said...

Talk to her about her wishes and get this all planned out with all the appropriate officiates, so all you have to do is call and say it is time.

Call Hospice if that was not done for you, they are wonderful.

My father was diagnoses w/ esophageal Cancer (which has a 70% fatal rate) so I have asked him to get me every picture of him he has, I have called every reletive I can think of for the same, and I am making a photo album of his life with captions of the memories I have with each picture.

I do not know what age your mom is, but if she has any stories to tell, (family tree stuff, or historical stuff she or the family has gone through, I would video her as she tells it)

It is so hard, and I wish you all of the luck and If there was a way to send my support to you in this message I would.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

1 mom found this helpful

Cancer does suck, and I offer you well wishes in getting through the next few months.

Well, I come from a different point of view. I am a young cancer survivor - diagnosed after my daughter's birth 2 years ago. I was lucky to have a good prognosis and have successfully completed treatment, but I know, too well, that could change any day.

My best advice is to contact an organization like Imerman Angels (imermanangels.org). Becoming a survivor was really hard for me. They're a non-profit that supports people and loved-ones dealing with all stages of cancer. They'll connect you with another daughter who's been in your shoes and help you go through the process of dealing with her terminal diagnosis. For me, I was matched with another 30-something young mother diagnosed with stage II Hodgkins. It was really helpful.

As far as what to do: ask her? People think cancer patients are afraid to talk about their condition. In reality, we probably spend more time making other people feel good about it than we receive. I think my candor took some people by surprise.

But, I'd ask her what she'd like to have in remembrance. If she wants videos of her reading her favorite children's stories for grandchildren/greatgrandchildren to view down the road. It's OK to ask because it will be a memory for you to have down the road and what better way to commemorate her than as she wishes? Ask if there's a favorite photo, have her write a story about a favorite memory, etc. But, let her be part of the process for as long as she can.

She knows this is going to be harder on you than it is on her. She is likely doing as much to comfort you as possible because of that.

Best wishes to your family. There are many, many organizations dedicated to helping you all through the process (like Imerman Angels).

1 mom found this helpful

My mother and in-law both filled out this book for my daughter... they are still with us, but when they are gone we will have lots of memories to read about when we miss them the most...

Memories for my grandchild by Annie Decker... they sell it at amazon.com

Sorry for what you are going through... preparing yourself can only make things easier... you will still feel just as much pain, but if you have good memories to look back on then eventually you will laugh and remember the good times...You are in my prayers

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Recently, I lost a brother to cancer and a sister to leukemia, my BFF to breast cancer, and many years earlier my dad to lung cancer... not easy.

The best thing you can do is spend as much time with her... bring her happy flowers... send her funny cards... let her know how much she means to you... cherish the time you have together. And, most importantly, don't be afraid to talk to her about what is going on. Not talking about it does not make it go away. Get literature... read about it... be informed. Make her time left on earth a happy time. Laugh a lot with her... laughter does wonders.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C., let me first say that I am very sorry you and your family are having to go through this. I lost my mom three and a half years ago to brain cancer and it was devastating so I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My mother didn't fight as long as yours has but it was in her temporal lobe so it pretty much wiped out her personality very quickly and then it was 9 months of hell until it finally took her. My suggestion is to be as honest as you can (you, her and your family). Spend as much time as you can with her and make sure everything that needs to be said is said. This isn't the time to walk on eggshells, it's time to get it out once and for all. Above all, do whatever SHE wants to do. This is her time to finish anything that she needs to finish. It's your job to help, support and just be there for her. One more thing, something that really helped me when I was mourning (took me three years :/ ) was to have a recording of her voice. It's amazing how just listening to her voice can be so comforting.

I am so sorry about your mother. It is completely normal to feel scared and alone at a time like this.

When my grandmother was dying from pancreatic cancer, my cousin (I was only 15) sat with her and recorded childhood memories. This allowed her to write stories about my grandmother for all of us to share and recall. I think that having her talk about her life will preserve her for you and your family.

D.

Sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone as many of us have dealt with it ourselves. It's never easy but it does not have to be "life changing" for you.
Ask mom to help you put together a photo album.... you will need her to remember "old" dates and places. It would be a good project for both of you to work on together and something she can work on alone as well. Also, treat her like nothing is wrong, that's the way she wants to be treated. Just do things for her that make life easier and more comfortable. Be yourself, that's who she needs right now.

I'm so sorry.
Remember that although you have a reputation for being positive and organization, no one will expect you to be cheerful and organized when it comes to losing someone so close to you. It's okay to fall apart. People will understand.
Remember the doctor can't "give her" time, he/she can only estimate the progression of her illness.
And, no there isn't much you can do to prepare yourself for it...it will still hit you hard when your mother is gone.
You might find yourself some books on grief, maybe a support group online.
But if you feel like you need to keep busy, you can start gathering photos and ask others to do so also, so you can make a dvd slide show for later (everyone can have a copy, which you can't do with a scrapbook).
You can investigate Hospice Care available to you, although that will probably come a bit later. You can make sure her insurance, accounts, will, etc. are in order, and that you know where everything important is, so that paperwork and various arrangements will be easier for you in your grief.
Ask your mother how she wants to spend her time with you--ie: remembering old times, talking about what is going on now, or thinking about the future. Ask her what you can do for her.
It sounds like she is in some pain, so she may not be able to get out much. So you may be doing a lot of talking.

One more note...something I know about grief, especially in cases when a loved one has been ill for a long time. There is often a sense of "relief" that comes along with the grief--because the suffering, and the stress went on for so long. You may find yourself--although you will miss her and want her back--also feeling relieved it's over, and that will make you feel guilty. It's okay to feel those feelings. It's normal.

Hi there, I am so sorry all of you are going through this. I didn't read all the posts but skimmed through a couple, I agree with the person that said a part of you is dying too. I lost my mom when I was 29 and yes, now I see that a part of me died , I should have done more for me then, this was over 30 yrs ago. I also wonder if you could take a leave of absence from your job and be with her exclusively. It's time that you will never get back, I say this from experience, it would also be the greatest gift to her. Its never easy and I hope that you can find some peace somewhere in this. Take care....

I am sorry you are going through this pain.
First of all disease comes from dis ease in the body. We can" t catch cancer we create it through stress and life style. When we stress we create more toxins that feed cancer cells and create the body to become acidic and that is what disease looks for. When you alkaline the body you starve the disease. It is the choice of the individual. I see people turn their health around by doing something different. Some want to give up. I would be there for your mother and help to strengthen her immune system by staying positive and telling her how much you love her and be by her side. If she needs something let her know you are there for her.

There are things she can do to strengthen her immune system if she wants to get healthier through her process. Give her support. Check out Louise Hays CD on how to heal yourself.

Have a great week.

N. Marie

I love the idea of a journal. I want to do that for my grandma. She's still in good health but very elderly. My other grandma died of lung cancer 8 years ago. It was really hard. My mom and aunt took care of her at home along with hospice. Are you going to do that? My mom and aunt had very different opinions of it. My mom thought it was wonderful, but my aunt said she'd never want her child going through that. She said something like, "how can you be thinking about giving doses of medicine when you are going through so much emotionally?"
Anyway, my brother told me he talked to my grandma and told her thank you for everything she'd done for him and for letting him live with her, etc. It makes me feel like tearing up even now. I never really said goodbye. You might think about having a conversation like this if it's appropriate. He brother said my grandma's reaction was like, "Oh, it was nothing."
And he was like, "No, it meant a lot." I think it was good she heard that from someone.
I just want to say hang in there. Right now is probably going to be your toughest time because you know it's coming! That realization that my grandma would be gone had me the most emotional. I just wanted to hope for a miracle the whole time and I felt so broken down.
Be strong and know that you've done everything you could for her.

It's no wonder you can't pull it together - this is your mom! My heart goes out to you. I don't know how I would start the conversation, but you do need to have a conversation with her about final arrangements, financial concerns, etc. Again, i don't know how I would start the conversation, but I think once one of you opens up the discussion, it will make everything much easier and you won't feel like you have to walk on egg shells. I also would take as many photos and videos as you can not only for yourself, but for your children and their children.

of course you can't pull it together.

i lost my mom when i was 29 of cancer. do everything you can with her: scrapbooks, etc...as long as she's okay with it. do a lot of journaling or blogging, if that's your thing. and see a therapist. most of all, be good to yourself. part of you is dying too...take care of you as you take care of mom. she wants to know that you're gonna be okay. that's the best gift you can give her right now.

blessings to you!

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I lost my mother ten years ago to kidney cancer; my stepfather and brother-in-law both to pancreatic cancer. You never stop missing them, but it does get easier over time.

I am a recent breast cancer survivor myself -- and I try to live hopefully, even though there are no guarantees with cancer. What I wish I had done when my Mom was dying was to spend even more time with her. Even though she was weak and slipping in and out of consciousness towards the end, I think it comforted her to know her two daughters were there.

What helped me when I was going through cancer treatment was to have my teenaged daughter around me talking about day-to-day things and making life seem more normal.

The American Cancer Society has wonderful resources. You can call them any time and they can probably point you in the direction of support groups for people in you situation. I think the ACS is a good place to start.

Other people will offer to help you, with meals, housecleaning, errands, etc. Let them.

My heart goes out to you.

Hello C., I am so sorry that your family has to walk this path and for the pain that you are going through. We have had my husband at 56 die of Sarnovial Cell Sarcoma Cancer. I have felt that Cancer is the plague of our day in all its forms. I will share a few of the things we learned and if you need any more information please get ahold of me or anyone at this site for encouragement. Get a Binder and put all these things in to it to help you stay organized.The docotrs are only trying to help your family to take time to get things in order and to prepare for what is to come. Things may not happen for much time but this way all of the personal items are taken off your minds. We attend church with a mortician and he helped our extended family to understand many things and we learned that you can prepay for things and that helped. I learned to have a binder with notes of things my husband wanted given to who and why, phone numbers of people important to him so they could be reached-- this was assigned out to a friend., he made a video of his playing the gutair, piano and talking of the things he felt were important God, Country, Family, and messages to the Grandchildren yet unborn. He told that he would make fancy cloud formations for them to see he was still part of thier lives. Get all the legal papers in order and even the credit cards . We had lots of pictures taken and had them out to talk about memories and still have a small display we change often. What each child has regrettednot having is a personal letter from him to hold and read of his love and advice. I would encourage you do that -- your child will enjoy reading it someday. My brother inlaw lives 3 states away and he called on his way home from work several x a week , and our children are all over& made calls so you can call, email or get a computer video cam and talk so you see one another too. Believe me even if it seems to hurt her now, remind her that you love her and what she stands for and want to make sure that your children know her & it will help you to do these things so that you have good memories to give you strength in the years to come and to go through all the firsts that will come, holidays and special days.If there is a specail place or restraunt make it the family gathering place now so you can enjoy it with her we go to 1/2 moon bay to see the ocean. I want you to know that different people grieve in different ways so what you are feeling now is part of that process and that is ok. Your mother is scared and needs to grieve for her lost years as well, so maybe she'll get angry just note its not at you but herself and the cancer. You should depend on your friends and family and find the ones that will let you talk out loud your thoughts. We had a special family party where everyone got to say thier I love you's and to have closeure although no one felt like celebrateing before his death.. I am here and want to encourage you to know that your love has sustained her this far and will sustain her the rest of the way. She will always be your best friend that I promise you. Our daughter was close to her dad and they would talk into the night and held his hand through everything just as you are having to do. So I do understand your concerns and feeling lost. I will pray for you both. Another thought, it was important to my husband that he die at home with those he loved here with him and not at the hospital. His wonderful doctors were able to make sure that happened along with Hospice. It was the most tender experiance of our lives and all of our family was grateful for it.
"nana" glenda remeber I am a note a way.

As my grandmother aged I bought her a journal and asked her to spend her free time in the next several months writing her life for me. Unfortunately, she became nearly incoherant shortly after that and all that was accomplished was just a few pages. I really wish I had thought of it sooner. Several years after her passing I was visiting a distant relative during a family vacation to another state, and this relative pulled out a home movie of when they had stopped to visit my grandparents while they were traveling. They had sat down with my grandmother and grandfather (my grandfather passed a few years before grandma), and had just talked to them about our family history, but had left their cam-corder running on a shelf so that grandma and grandpa were centered in the frame and they themselves were not in the frame. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen, and it brings tears to my eyes to just think of it now. I watched the video as my grandparents told the story of their immigration to this country, how they met, their courtship (mostly a tale of my grandfather's persistance to woo my grandma!), and in the case of my grandmother, an incredible narrative on how she, as a Mexican immigrant, and a woman, in early 1930's South Texas obtained an advanced degree for herself by working as a personal assistant to a caucasian student who had been stricken by polio and hired my grandmother to carry her books and help her navigate the staircases and other features of the campus. My grandmother obtained her degree by registering and participating in the classes she sat in as part of her job, and went on to become a teacher herself, who's very classroom was studied as part of the national effort to standardize our country's English Second Language elementary school curriculum. That video is priceless to me now. Neither of my sons had the opportunity to meet either of my grandparents, yet so much of them was preserved through this. It wasn't scripted. It was just a visit. At one point in the video my grandparents even started bickering about who was right about a particular memory, and true to their characters grandpa yeilded to grandma, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and then got up and piddled around the kitchen still in the frame behind her, at one point later in the video even taking the loving initiative to bring her a banana and ask her "are you hungry dear?". The ability to se them, their souls still very alive in their bodies, is so much more dear to me than the pictures that I have.
After my grandmother passed and they closed up my grandparent's estate, all my siblings, uncles and aunts bickered over what furniture pieces they would get, who would get grandma's good china, etc. However, this bickering provided the perfect distraction for me to come in practically unnoticed and take the things I felt most important: the prayer scarf my grandmother wore over her head to church, and a pile of her old, tattered, marked-up cookbooks and her hand-written recipe cards. From my grandfather, the old and broken circa 1930's adding machine that he used in the gas station he owned. The recipes feed my family meals of tradition now, and the adding machine sits on my desk to remind me that anything is possible if you work hard.

My husband is going in to have a brain tumor removed next week. We sat down and made sure I had his updated will and final wishes. These are the main things you need to know. Other than that, let her lead the way, and just show her all the love you can.

First of all, I would like to say that I'm sorry that you, your mother and family are going through all of this. I know how hard it is. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 17. I would like to suggest checking out your local hospice. They offer help and support for patients and their families. They can address any questions and concerns that you may have. They can help you and your mother to prepare for whatever happens. I hope this helps. Good luck to you all. =)