Can Someone Please Talk Me Down?

I do this with everything. The only difference is that I really enjoy it. Well, I should say I've learned to enjoy it.

I realized awhile ago, that this is just what I do. So I start planning, instead of feeling helpless.

So I have life insurance, a letter that I periodically rewrite to my kiddo, a will (including who is to take care of my son in the event that my H was with me when I bit it), letters to my parents and h outlining my hopes & dreams for kiddo and his life and education (the whole "what mom would have wanted" sort of thing), photobooks, you name it.

Death can come at any moment for any of us. Car accidents, heart attacks, bridges collapsing, a slip down the stairs and a broken neck, cancer, plague, earthquakes, floods, muggings, random acts of violence, undertow, posionious creepy crawlies, food posioning, tornado, electrocution, gas leak, nuclear war, war of any fashion, infected papercut, you name it. My mind has rather seriously rejected the whole "it could never to me" kind of thing.

So it runs out every single scenario as it pops into my mind. In the beginning, YES I got the full on grief thing. Now, however, that I've processed my own death enough times... it's a 30 second thing rather than a 5-60 minute thing.

I say I "enjoy" it... because it's a durn good reminder. Are my affairs in order? Is everything set up to the best of my ability? Am I enjoying EVERY SINGLE MINUTE I CAN with the people I love?

My brain likes to hash things out. It's just the way I am. Now... I have been "brought back" twice... and I've almost died many many times... so maybe I have a bit of a "skein of your life is only so long" kind of perspective. But since it's the way I am... I work around it to the best of my ability.

And as yet... none of my doomsday thoughts have come to pass. But that doesn't mean I don't keep a serrated knife duct taped to my door in my car incase a bridge collapses and I need to cut us both free. (In one of my "can't stop the mind movie" things, I couldn't find the durn knife... it was tossed somewhere in the car). Will we ever need to use the knife? Not likely. But it's there. Because I went ahead and thrashed out that particular waking nightmare after getting stuck in traffic on a bridge, and my mind in it's boredom, decided to imagine what would happen if it all came tumbling down AND we managed to survive. Okay, then what? Okay, then what?

That's what my mind does... "then what?"

AND THEN... I enjoy the heck outta my life. :) :) :)

q

7 moms found this helpful

Breast cancer is very rarely painful. It sounds like it could be a cyst or fibroid. My sister has both of those and they cause her pain. Think positive and get yourself to the doctor.

4 moms found this helpful

Bobbi K is absolutely correct. I was having pain in my breast and my doctor immediately said, "If it hurts, it's not cancer." She scheduled a mammogram and I have tons of teeny tiny little cysts. The doctor said that these can be exacerbated by caffeine intake. Lo and behold, I had recently increased my cups of coffee about the same time that I started feeling the pain. I cut down on the caffeine, and the pain is gone. When I do have that extra cup of coffee in the morning, over several days, I start to feel the pain again.

Chin up! Think positive thoughts and schedule that mammogram! (And you must watch Rachel Maddow, eh? LOL :)

3 moms found this helpful

L. I am sorry you are going through this. My mom had breast cancer, she is a survivor!!! She was told that usually breast cancer does NOT hurt. It's very sneaky and goes unnoticable because there are no symptoms unless you feel a lump. I wish you the best!!!!!

3 moms found this helpful

i think you really should see your primary care physician ASAP and see about getting put on some type of anti-anxiety or anti-depression med. breast cancer is VERY VERY VERY rarely painful, so the fact that you have pain significantly diminishes that possibility. by all means, go get yourself checked out, but also try to be logical and realistic about it. the pain you are having is probably related to anxiety, i wish you the best of luck, and please go talk to your doctor.

3 moms found this helpful

Even if it's breast cancer, sounds like you're catching it early, so the survival rate is really high.

If it's just pain and not a lump, it could be all sorts of things. I get pain from my underwire bras if they get bent just the slightest. Could be hormonal. Could be a bug bite.

You can't live life fearing the worst. We all worry about our kids but if you let that consume your life, you're not living much of a life. Lead a happy one that your son will remember years later because it was so happy.

And take action, too. If you can't shake this feeling that something's wrong, get in with a doctor. Get the answers you need to move on. In the meantime, don't speculate. I just had a strange lump in one of my legs and worried it was something serious ... turns out I bumped it at some point and it's just some calcification that's going to always be there. The doctor knew within seconds it wasn't serious.

3 moms found this helpful

Oh L., I so understand how you're feeling. I'm a bit of a hypochrondriac and have been struggling at times with the thought that I'm going to die early from something whether it be cancer or whatever (I was hospitalized a couple of years ago for a mysterious illness that just went away but noone could figure out what it was, which doesn't help). It's really been coming to haunt me at times so I mentioned this to my therapist and she asked me to do a cost/benefit analysis of me worrying. What is the worry costing me - it's giving me anxiety, fear, stress (which could lead to illness), maybe attention and love away from my son b/c I'm too busy worrying about leaving him! Etc. What is the benefit? Only one -- it makes me get regular checkups, physicals, eat better, etc. So take the positive and live your life in a way that gives you some modicum of control over your health (diet, exercise, etc.). You're doing great by having made the appointment to get the pain checked out. Most likely it IS nothing and you'll feel a lot better knowing that. As for the costs, those are HIGH costs! Stop worrying. Be proactive and LIVE. Even if we do end up going earlier than we want (which is unlikely but possible), we'll have lived in a way that allowed us to enjoy life and give our full attention and happy selves to our loved ones and most importantly, to our sons. But again, the pain is probably nothing! Just get it checked out. *hug*

2 moms found this helpful

L.,

With all due respect to the people who say you need anti-anxiety meds or a therapist to deal with the situation, I disagree. Having been in L.'s shoes and having to wait 4 weeks to learn that I did have cancer (which I already knew), it's a completely normal response because the gravity is real. 200K women a year in the US are diagnosed with breast cancer. That's a lot of people who get the wind taken from their sails, most without any suspicion.

It's OK to be anxious. I was on maternity leave when I found a small nodule on my collarbone. It was a swollen lymph node, and it was cancer, and 2 years later, I'm sitting here completely empathetic to what you're going through.

All I can tell you is to be thorough in getting it checked out. Stay off the internet!!!!! It will only bring you stories of people who have had bad experiences until you know what is causing your breast to hurt.

Cancer DOES NOT HURT. It has no nerve endings. But, you do need to follow-up with your doctor immediately. I'd personally call OB/GYN because they're more trained/specialized in breast issues. When my armpits started hurting 3 weeks postpartum, they wasted NO time getting me into a breast ultrasound. It was benign because I didn't have breast cancer, but they don't take breast related issues lightly.

So, my best advice is to follow your instincts. They'll lead you in the right direction. See your doctor ASAP, don't get any tests before the weekend (it will be agonizing to wait......believe me, I had my nodal biopsy on a Thursday and had to wait until Tuesday for results). It was AWFUL!

Good luck! Chances are, it's not related to cancer. If it is, find the BEST oncologist you can who specialized in breast-related cancers.

I HOPE YOU ARE WELL!

2 moms found this helpful

((((hugs))))

I am a worrier too, and I'm sure I would be doing the same exact thing you are doing now. I find that my anxiety is soooooo much worse since I have had kids. I think it is because I have so much to lose now, ya know?

Best of luck to you, I hope the dr can give you a simple diagnosis like "ingrown hair" or something!!

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
I know it is easier said than done, but don't worry about something that has not happened. I had a similar issue. I had a mammogram and nothing was found. I went to my regular doctor and it turned out to be a sebaceous cyst, which is harmless. My primary care doctor drained it some and referred me to a plastic surgeon who removed it. Because of its location, it took about 2 or 3 weeks to completely heal. It looks like you are already scheduled for a visit, which is the best thing to do. Pray and concentrate on positive thoughts until then.

1 mom found this helpful

Try writing down your negative thought and then write a corresponding positive thought. Taking from what you said above replace " What if it is breast cancer" with "In all probability it is nothing".

If you're like me and your mind keeps racing with a new negative thought then keep going and write a corresponding positive thought for each one. Keep doing this and in time it will become automatic and you may not feel as anxious.

I wish you all the best and hope that it is indeed nothing.

1 mom found this helpful

First of all, breast cancers don't usually hurt in their beginning stages.

Secondly, you obviously suffer from some anxiety. I can laugh looking back at this now, but one time, when my kids were little and I was pretty overwhelmed, I went through a couple of months where I was sure I had one or another form of cancer. First it was throat cancer, then I felt a lump on my abdomen (which turned out to be my stool in my lower intestine, lol), so I thought I had ovarian cancer, then I thought I had some other kind of cancer. I would get these thoughts and then curl up on my bed, ready to vomit.

Anyway, I'm mostly over that kind of anxiety, fortunately, 'cause I was a little nutty there for a while.

You don't have cancer. But make a dr. appt. and he/she can reassure you.

1 mom found this helpful

I think that's part of being a Mom to worry about leaving our little ones. (especially in the beginning) You should definitely get it checked out as soon as possible, but it doesn't sound like the usual description of a breast lump. I once asked my doctor- "How can I find a lump? The whole breast feels lumpy!?" She said that it's like feeling a pebble in a bag of grapes.

Anyway, you are right to get it checked out, but chances are it's nothing. (especially in the summer......having a bra rub again our skin, plus underwire..... etc...

I hope a doctor can fit you in soon to put your mind at ease.
Please let us know what happens when you find out.
You can make it through today.... just breathe.......if you have an understanding boss maybe they could let you leave to get it checked out ASAP.

1 mom found this helpful

I've been there, a few months ago in fact. I found a painful lump in my left breast and just lost it. My immediate thoughts were about leaving my beautiful, toddler daughter behind. Couldn't help it, it was like being kicked in the gut when I found it. Her life flashed before my eyes and I thought of everything I could miss.

It's normal to freak out and anyone that says it's not hasn't had anything like that happen to them. We're human, it freaks us out a bit to think about our mortality.

I found comfort in my husband, my mother and my faith. I called, got in to see my dr. the next day and was told that it didn't feel like cancer and that pain was a good sign because usually pain wouldn't be present if it were. I was sent to a radiologist for an ultrasound and he confirmed that it was not cancer and that it was a fibroadenoma that needed to be removed. I then went to a surgeon and had it removed to be sent to the pathology lab to be certain of it's status. The wait was long and sometimes I would think about the "what if" of cancer, but I held tight to my faith and my hope that the doctors were all right. When the surgeon came in at my follow up he told me that it was a fibroadenoma and there was no cancer. He walked out and I just cried. I cried because I was happy and healthy.

It was finally over, but I learned a very valuable lesson....ALWAYS get checked out when you find something, feel something or just have in your "gut" that something is not right. It could save your life and at the very least save you from worrying yourself over something that can be easily taken care of.

Best of luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

I can really relate to the worrying and know we can be good at escalating a small twinge into an emergency room visit and immediate surgery, death soon to follow. I am an expert!
The good news is that being suggestible like that can also work the other way. You can take deep breaths, look at your son's photo, let the love for him flood through you just like your blood, filling all your parts with this healing force. Imagine your breath going out taking all the fear with it - poof - you don't need it anymore. You are your son's mighty mother, with a strong immune system. Eat well, drink clean water and know that the twinge won't be able to stand a chance against your love for yourself and your son.

Please get your vitamin D level checked, or, if you don't spend time in sunlight, take D3 and you may see your outlook turn more positive. Good luck!

D.

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe a little depression. I know at times in my life I have had to go on meds for these very same reasons (worried all the time, sad about things that could happen). Being depressed is caused by many factors. It could be hormone imbalance or to much stress. I would go get checked out by your Gyno. It seems with women the Gyno pays more attention to this type of problem (plus the pain in the breast). No one should make light of these issues they are serious just like any other medical problem. With the right meds and maybe even the sheer understanding you will feel better in days. Happy days are ahead.

1 mom found this helpful

Know you have done what you can for now, you have called the Drs office. The waiting game is the worst, but try and think of something to make you smile of laugh. All the wonderful things your son has done recently to take your mind off your worry. Sorry I can't really say anything to help or make you worry less, but wanted you to know I read what you had and am thinking about you. Hope everything turns out normal and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Here's a BIG BEAR HUG for you....it's gonna be okay. You've already called the doctor, so the problem is almost taken care of. Could you be starting your period soon? I know when it comes to that time of the month for me, I get very hypersensitive and get pains everywhere sometimes, not to mention I can be an emotional wreck:) More than likely, now I'm not a doctor, but it sounds to me like you may have a cyst. I had one in my breast and it was painful. But, it was a piece of cake to have it aspirated...it turned out to be nothing. I also felt great after it:) If you or your family are cyst prone like mine, then more than likely that is what you may have.

Best wishes,

M

1 mom found this helpful

L.....

You are NOT alone! I have done this to myself a MILLION times. In fact, so often, that my husband and I have a "joke" (albeit not exactly funny if it were true) that every time I complain, he says "oh great, another tumor"...or if I say my elbow hurts, he says "an elbow tumor? Never heard of that". It helps to laugh.

Anyway, what i do want to tell you is that from everything I've ever been told, PAIN is the very last symptom of cancer - cancer is nearly always detected before there is any pain. So a simple pain without any other symptoms is probably just that - a pain. The nerves in our body fire for so many reasons - it could actually be related to the anxiety you are feeling. Have you spoken to your doctor about these feelings?

Please remember you are not alone. I think we all have these feelings from time to time. God Bless you!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, L.:

Fear of dying is our #1 fear when we are young mothers.

Sounds like a trigger point issue.

You have a call in to the Doc so you will be reassured that it is not cancer.

I do the same thing when something changes in my health. I never had nurture as a child so I am prone to worry alot until I get a second opinion

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, you are having these fears for your son because you are a good mom. I have done the same thing myself. I had a health scare a year ago and I was inconsolable because I was worried about my kids. You are going to be ok, no matter what the tests say because if it is nothing you are fine and you will continue to be a great mom. And even if ( a big if) it turns out to be something that needs treatment you are going to fight like hell to get better for your family. That is what good moms do.
Try and do something mindless, watch stupid tv, try not to think about it. I know it is easier said than done but I owe some of my anxiety reduction to reruns of the Love Boat. And stay away from ANYTHING that makes you sad. Hang in there.

1 mom found this helpful

A little thing to run through your mind until you see your Dr. ---the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It works to calm you for everything from slow traffic to a death in the family. You can't change what is, you can only find out what's wrong and deal with it the best you can. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Take a deep breath, take a break and go get some fresh air. Look around you, what do you see? Focus on the sky, on a tree, on a flower, and just breath.

You are doing the right thing, you called the doctor and are going to get checked. 9 times out of 10 these things are nothing. Keep telling yourself, "I am fine, I will be fine". Count to 10, shake yourself off, and go back to work.

Repeat when needed.

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
Call a good therapist too. I'm not trying to be rude I just am looking at your own words about bawling your eyes out and your fear of dying. I really hope you don't have cancer, it is something to be concerned about but your reaction before even speaking to a dr is a bit over the top.