Can I Keep the New Girlfriend from Picking up My Child from Daycare?

Updated on March 23, 2013
B.C. asks from Largo, FL
25 answers

Here's the deal. Ex and I were never married but we have a child together. We went to court for a parenting plan. I am custodial parent, we have shared parental responsibilities/decision making which is like which daycare child goes to etc. recently my child's fathers new girlfriend sent me a message threatening to take my child from me because she can, now I know it won't happen but all the sudden she now thinks she can pick up my child from daycare. After threatening me and proving she doesn't have my child's best interest in mind, I refused. They made her father come to get her. Now there is a big fight stating he has rights to add her. He does not pay a dime for daycare and he picks her up ONCE a week and still doesn't abide by our parenting plan. Since they are not married she is nothing (as lawyers have told me) I feel that until she is married or can treat me with respect she is to not interfere with my parenting with my ex. Do I have to allow her to pick up my child after her threatening me?

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So What Happened?

Everything is through text messaging. i do not speak with him on the phone because A. He can't hold a decent convo with calling me names and B. i document everything, and find it easier.

I guess I didn't think i needed to go into much detail, but judging by some answers, i should give more into.

I guess I'm looking for opinions as well because I feel I have a fight here that's worth fighting. If I don't stop this now, it will go on for many years.

This woman has called CPS on me; and cps did in return file the accusations under false statements and actually visited her residence, they took my child out of the county and never told me, I had to call the cops. Our court papers state I am able to speak with my child whenever and I am to know where my child is. She has been threatening me since the day she became his gf. Spreading rumors and lies about me, high school stuff. She does NOT have the best interest for my child or she wouldn't be writing me about how she is going to take my child from me... The message was after my ex and I were talking about him taking our daughter on vacation but him wanting her for Mother's Day when it clearly states I have her every Mother's Day so I denied. She then got on FB and wrote me some long pointless message about her having sex with him and him being satisfied, about how I'm such a bad mom and how she will take my child from me because she can. My ex and I have never got along. I've saved EVERY SINGLE message between him and I for the past 3 years. I've been saving the messages from her, I've also blocked her on FB. She has no blood relation to my child so for her to try to tell me what I'm going to do with my child, not happening, and thats what i mean about interfering with my parenting..

Maybe that's my ignorance but I refuse to let a girl whom tells my 3 year old that I'm monster not mommy try to pick up my child. If she was mature and had my child's interest in mind she would have contacted me years ago as an adult, as I've tried to speak with her but she doesn't think that way. My ex is very influenced by her, she has money, of course he's going to be a jerk to me and do whatever she says. My ex has been picking up our child for well over a year without complaining and all the sudden he "can't" ..he works for family whom I still am in contact with and nothing has changed. Im not trying to be a B, I'm simply trying to keep my child safe from all this immature stuff.. our court papers state that my ex will provide all transportation. My parents and his parents are on the pick up list. I'm not a lazy parent, I pick up my child, I would never send a friend or boyfriend to get MY child. That's my opinion. And to answer some, yes she sent a message on FB I printed it out, I've been consulting with a lawyer for about 3 days. There's many grounds other then this woman threatening me to change my parenting plan. He has not been abiding by our court ordered plan and has as well threatened me. I feel to be successful with this relationship we are forced to have for our child you have to give a little to get a little. I'm not dirt, I will be treated with respect as I will do the same but unfortunately I'm dealing with simple minded people who think money talks and evidence walks. I appreciate EVERYONE and their answers. I've learned a lot from your answers. Maybe I'm wrong, if I am, I can admit that.

More Answers



answers from Chicago on

No one has the right to pick up your child from daycare except you and the father and who ever you list as emergency contact. period.

now having said that. Is this a battle because you don't feel your child is safe with her or just to be pissy to the father? If it is the first you should definitely stand your ground and keep your child safe. If it is the second you need to pick your battles. She may some day become the step parent of your child and regardless of how much you dislike her you should not run her down in front of the child. Children should never be used in a battle between the parents.

If she is sending threatening notes you should be printing them out and taking them with you to a lawyer and or the police. she should not be threatening you or the child. have you discussed that particular issue with your ex?

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I think that you need to take a copy of her threatening message to court and tell the judge that she is threatening to kidnap your daughter and you want a restraining order against her.

Your ex-bf is lazy and wants her to pick up your child because it's too much trouble for him to. He doesn't really want to deal with his daughter, but he wants to throw his weight around by demanding that he can have his new girlfriend do it. She's acting this way because mean people stick together in the bullying department.

I cannot answer your legal questions - none of us can unless we are lawyers (though some women have extensive experience with crappy men in their lives, for sure.) The thing is, you have to have legal help here, and I would personally start with showing the court her message threatening to take your daughter. I would characterize this as a kidnapping threat to the court.

I don't know if this knowledge will make the judge say no to your ex adding her to the parenting plan, but her threat DOES need to be registered with the court.

Good luck,

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

You tell the Daycare.
Childcare businesses and schools, cannot just release a child, to whomever picks up the child.
There is a permission form which stipulates who can pick up your child.
If they release a child to someone else, that is, against policy and laws.
And they can get in trouble.

DOCUMENT all the threats, the Girlfriend is making, and that she is picking up your child etc. SAVE the messages the girlfriend sends you. This is, evidence.
Keep documenting, the Girlfriend's actions/and whatever she tells you. Document whatever your Ex is doing, too.
You need to do this. For your own child's protection and per if you go back to court, to dispute anything or change custody.

There are many types of child custody. Research this.
Get a Lawyer. A good one.

Again, if a child care facility or school, releases a child to whomever and to someone that is not permitted to do so... you can report the facility and/or the Police. Perhaps.... filing charges against the Girlfriend... for threats made to you and for attempts to kidnap your daughter etc. or get a restraining order... against her.

If YOU... do not permit the Girlfriend, to be "added" to the custody plan... I would think, your Ex cannot do this.
Document everything.. about your Ex and his negligence.... you need documentation and proof, about his neglect etc.
And get witnesses, if you can too. For your case.

This is about the law.
Not about the petty personal personality problems between you all.
The bottom line is, the well being of your child... and custody.
But since they "threaten" you... document all of that.
Or get a restraining order against the Girlfriend, and you need to state that you feel "unsafe" for your well being AND your child's.... and you do not feel "safe".... under all these threats against AND your child.

NO you do NOT have to allow the Girlfriend to pick up your child.
And you ARE being threatened. Report this to the Police... that she is attempting to take your child etc.
ie: you said "my child's fathers new girlfriend sent me a message threatening to take my child from me... "
That to me, is a threat.... and it can be taken that she can kidnap your child... against your wishes.

And by the way: Be "smart" in the order in which you should do these things, if you choose to is: file charges against the Girlfriend for whatever threats she made to you and your child. THEN, go to the court and change custody etc. Be wise, in the order of things and what is done first or 2nd etc.
If you want to change custody and who can pick up your child or not... it would make more sense, that if you have a restraining order against Girlfriend first... then it might be easier for you to then, change your custody. Because, documentation/proof would already be filed with the Police.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

I thank god i am not in this situation. If i was here is what i would do
1. No she can not pick up the child unless both parents feel comfortable with it.
2. Save all messages threats she sends you. Take them to the police and explain the situation.
3. If he is not helping pay fir daycare go back back to court because he needs to be helping with any financial aspects of the childs care.
i will keep you in my prayers.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

When you said "sent me a message...." were you serious? Because you will need that if you are going to try and prove that she should not even be allowed to pick up your child.

You would have to essentially have enough *proof* that you would be able to get a restraining order.

Until then there shouldn't be a "fight" stating he has the right to add her as an emergency contact.... because he's right and you're wrong. He CAN add whomever he wants to the "pick up" list. he can add a bum off the street or a stranger, if he wants.

Personally..... this is not a road I would go down, for a myriad of reasons.

Legally - her marital status or level of respect has NOTHING to do with your ex's ability to designate her as someone who can spend time or pick up HIS daughter when HE has parenting time.

And.... how does her picking him up *interfere* with YOUR parenting? It isn't your parenting time if he's supposed to have her anyway.

It's not what you want to hear. I'm sure there are plenty of your friends he doesn't like. Even for "good reason". But HE's not allowed to dictate who YOU allow around your daughter when you have her. And vice versa.

Him paying for daycare isn't relevant. you either have appropriate child support in place.... or you don't. if you don't.... then go back to court and sort that out. Child support and finances have NOTHING to do with visitation, really.

It does suck when parents can't get along. And I mean it sucks for the kid. You two made your bed. But YOU need to try and make co-parenting work so that your daughter doesn't suffer. Haul him into mediation. Ask if he would go to counseling.... whatever it takes so that your daughter isn't exposed to fighting for the rest of her life. If that happens you ALL stand to lose, and it will have NOTHING to do with who picks her up from daycare.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

If you're worried about it, you can absolutely tell the day care that they may not release your daughter to the girlfriend. You can put it in writing and make sure that all teachers and staff know. You will need to tell your ex, since he'll need to make sure proper arrangements are made on his day to pick her up.

Likewise, you can make a list of the the only people who are ever allowed to pick her up if you want to avoid the risk of him sending someone else to get her in the future.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

You share custody with your ex. You both have equal say in decisions. You both can have someone pick up your child up from daycare and/or babysit. Unless your parenting plan specifically says otherwise, he can have his girlfriend pick your child up from daycare. The only way I can think of that will prevent that is if it is added to your court order/parenting plan (either by specifying that she can not, all girlfriends or boyfriends can not, and/or you each have right of first refusal).

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

No one can pick up my guy unless I give their name and particulars to his preschool. They require ID until they know the person. You being custodial parent I would say makes you the decision maker who that can be. You don't have to allow her to pick up your child, I wouldn't if I'd received a threatening message from her (which your lawyers have seen, correct?)

That is the only reason I would give, not that they are not married, or he isn't following the parenting plan, those are irrelavent here. Her threat and that you alone pay for daycare (which you should be splitting) are what is relavent. Stay focused if you want to look like the responsible parent looking out for the best interest of your child.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I think you should revisit the daycare's policies and who can release the child to whom. Unfortunately if you are allowed to designate a friend or family member, so can he. If his visitation is once a week, then make sure they have the CO and know to abide by it. We always had a court order on file for the stepkids.

Your problem is really still HIM, not her. She might be vocal, but it is his job to get his kid, his job to pay for daycare, his job to abide by HIS court order, etc. Remember to maintain focus on the responsible party. You might be angry that she exists, but you really need to focus on him.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

This is a question that you must ask your lawyer who will look at your court order. There is no way that any of us can answer this question with any degree of certainty. The answer depends on the way in which your order is written.

BTW you do not have to tell the other person you are recording them. In some states, you may have to if you want to use the recording in court.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think when your daughter is in his care, as per the custody agreement, he has authority to decide who can and cannot pick her up, babysit, etc.
If you believe the threat to take your child is valid then contact the police right away and file a report. I'm not sure they can do anything, but by all means keep copies of texts and emails if you feel the threat is real going forward, because you will need some kind of proof (otherwise you may just look like a crazy, jealous ex.)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I added my now husband as an emergency contact/pick up when we were just dating. Very much within my legal rights. Just as it would be within my legal rights to authorize a baby sitter, their older sibs, anyone I deem necessary. As my ex found out, not a damn thing he can do about it especially since the court looks at it as a bitter ex trying to punish their ex and won't even entertain the case.
I don't think the other responses understand what you are describing is you have full physical, joint legal. Joint legal means he has every legal right to authorize who picks the child up when he has physical custody. I have a very vindictive ex, I know these laws because he tried to stop me from doing anything he could.

She shouldn't threaten you but you all need to grow up! It is sad when the child is the most mature person in the situation.

She cannot pick the child up when you have custody but when he does you have no say in who picks the child up.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I am 100% with you on this. You do not have to agree to have anyone pick your child up who you do not want to. He would also have the power to veto someone you wanted to do pick up who he didn't agree with. You don't have to allow your child to be in the sole presence of and be transported by someone who you don't like or trust. Keep documenting everything. You may have to amend your parenting plan with court to specify this if he keeps pushing it but given the evidence you have, I doubt any mediator would side with him. I would tell your ex in no uncertain terms that you have documentation of everything and that if continues to press the issue and she continues to act this way, you will take this to court and get a restraining order against her. Remind him that this is not a can of worms he wants to open.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

You must talk to your lawyer and see what legal actions can be taken.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You do not have to give permission for the gf to pick up your child even if she didn't threaten you. BUT if she is picking up the child because he can't, you have to be prepared to go get the child. If he can't and you don't, they will call CPS.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

For my son's day care I was the one who filled out all the paperwork and I had to include my son's father myself. I was the one (unmarried as well - but together) who paid, filled it out the papers etc. I was the decider on who was able to pick him up including him. I would contact the center, if you are paying not him or joint then I think you have the control there. Contacting your attorney and moving forward with having the threats at the very least documented would be very important as well. I also think you need to find out how to record all phone conversations, notify him/her that you are recording (to keep it legal) as well as in person interactions.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

No. She isn't a parent or legal guardian, she has no legal right to remove your child from daycare without your permission. Dad's permission only isn't enough if you refuse approval.
Speak to your daycare and ask to add her to the "Not Allowed To Pick Up" list for your child. Document her threats to you so you can speak to your lawyer about the possibility of a restraining order for daycare and/or your home.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

No, you don't HAVE to agree to have her on the emergency card.

That being said, be careful of the can of worms you're opening. You'll need to be prepared to say that ONLY you or her father may pick her up... that mean YOUR friends can't pick her up either... neither can a babysitter... could get stickier down the road in ways you don't anticipate.

I know you don't like the woman but "until she can treat me with respect" cannot be a condition in your parenting plan, and any limits you set for her are going to have to apply for others as well (including your potential significant other etc.)

Just food for thought.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

No you don't have to allow her, as you said she is not married to your she has NO rights to your child...BUT that doesn't mean that your EX does not have the right to add his GF as a person who could pick up the child.

...but I would keep in mind that YOU were never married either--->so it might not be smart to start throwing that stone around, ya know what I mean?

Now this is just my personal opinion and .02 cents (so take it or leave it) but I think it is NOT ever a good idea to start a war with your EX or his GF. If it is NOT crucial to your child's safety, then I myself, would NOT try to pick fights or extend battles with these people at ALL... Only when unavoidably's not healthy for the child you share to live in turmoil...nor is it healthy for you. All it causes is stress and it is bad for your body, mind and spirit.

I know the GF pissed you off by threatening to take away your child, that would piss me off too (something fierce) but it is SO not likely that it would EVER happen that I would just ignore her! Do not give her the satisfaction of getting under your skin!!! Rise above it. Be the bigger person. You and your child will benefit from it, I promise!!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

I'm sure there are state and court applied rules.
You best talk to your attorney.
Dont do trashy fights at the school or in front of your kids... Calmly talk to the school. Since YOU are the CUSTODIAL parent, I believe you RULE at letting the school know WHO can pick up your children.
I'm sorry you are in this position.
Karma sucks when you are on the bad end of it.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED: All I can say is GARBAGE IN -- GARBAGE OUT. You are going to have to take the high road or you could lose the respect and love of your children...and worse If your boyfriend decides to marry this one and create a better family life, you could end up with just visitation. Be civil and nice...concentrate only on your children's well being and your future happiness. There will be someone down the road for you, but now the focus is your children.

He didn't marry you and he may not marry her, but based on what you have told us, there is only evidence of dislike between the two of you and perhaps your ex. If they are living together and when it's his time to pick up the child, the three of you (MEANING THE ADULTS), should agree on what will be best in the long run for your child. Neither of you have to respect each other (though that would be nice), but for your child's sake it would be best that you are all (MEANING THE ADULTS) are at least civil.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Go to your attorney with the threat to kidnap your child, see if its enough for a restraining order or order of protection.

Otherwise.... Of course. He can delegate anyone to pick up/care for his child on his days that he chooses. UNLESS its in the parenting plan/decree that he can't.

PPs are double edged swords. Unless there is cause, what is true for one is true for both. Meaning if you EVER have your child picked up by someone else (sitter, grandparent, friend, boyfriend, play date, etc.) he is given the same rights.

I had to prove my MIL unfit and there is a restraint order, order of protection, AND its in the divorce decree that she is disallowed from being within 100m of my son. It took decades of arrest reports, and multiple psychiatric inpatient records for that to be made so. For anything less, the courts don't care until something happens.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

um...diiiidja keep the text where she threatened to take your child? that should be all you need....

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Mayaguez on

School should have a written consent form as to who is allowed to pick up child. Talk to the teacher and explain the situation. They will surely cooperate. Otherwise it could turn be construed as kidnapping.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

If you were really threatened by her, then you MUST react immediately; go to court to get restraining order. If you don't act immediately then the judge will look at you like a bitter ex that can't move on.

Yes, he can assign anyone he wants to pick your daughter up on his one day a week.

Unless you truly feel threatened or your daughter is in harms way, LET IT GO. You have many many years of dealing with this guy, but you picked him and it's in your daughters best interest to get along; she needs peace and love, not fighting parents (even with his new fling).

FKA ~ Momof4

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