March 23, 2013,
B.C. asks from Largo, FL on March 19, 2013
Can I Keep the New Girlfriend from Picking up My Child from Daycare?
Here's the deal. Ex and I were never married but we have a child together. We went to court for a parenting plan. I am custodial parent, we have shared parental responsibilities/decision making which is like which daycare child goes to etc. recently my child's fathers new girlfriend sent me a message threatening to take my child from me because she can, now I know it won't happen but all the sudden she now thinks she can pick up my child from daycare. After threatening me and proving she doesn't have my child's best interest in mind, I refused. They made her father come to get her. Now there is a big fight stating he has rights to add her. He does not pay a dime for daycare and he picks her up ONCE a week and still doesn't abide by our parenting plan. Since they are not married she is nothing (as lawyers have told me) I feel that until she is married or can treat me with respect she is to not interfere with my parenting with my ex. Do I have to allow her to pick up my child after her threatening me?
So What Happened?™
Everything is through text messaging. i do not speak with him on the phone because A. He can't hold a decent convo with calling me names and B. i document everything, and find it easier.
I guess I didn't think i needed to go into much detail, but judging by some answers, i should give more into.
I guess I'm looking for opinions as well because I feel I have a fight here that's worth fighting. If I don't stop this now, it will go on for many years.
This woman has called CPS on me; and cps did in return file the accusations under false statements and actually visited her residence, they took my child out of the county and never told me, I had to call the cops. Our court papers state I am able to speak with my child whenever and I am to know where my child is. She has been threatening me since the day she became his gf. Spreading rumors and lies about me, high school stuff. She does NOT have the best interest for my child or she wouldn't be writing me about how she is going to take my child from me... The message was after my ex and I were talking about him taking our daughter on vacation but him wanting her for Mother's Day when it clearly states I have her every Mother's Day so I denied. She then got on FB and wrote me some long pointless message about her having sex with him and him being satisfied, about how I'm such a bad mom and how she will take my child from me because she can. My ex and I have never got along. I've saved EVERY SINGLE message between him and I for the past 3 years. I've been saving the messages from her, I've also blocked her on FB. She has no blood relation to my child so for her to try to tell me what I'm going to do with my child, not happening, and thats what i mean about interfering with my parenting..
Maybe that's my ignorance but I refuse to let a girl whom tells my 3 year old that I'm monster not mommy try to pick up my child. If she was mature and had my child's interest in mind she would have contacted me years ago as an adult, as I've tried to speak with her but she doesn't think that way. My ex is very influenced by her, she has money, of course he's going to be a jerk to me and do whatever she says. My ex has been picking up our child for well over a year without complaining and all the sudden he "can't" ..he works for family whom I still am in contact with and nothing has changed. Im not trying to be a B, I'm simply trying to keep my child safe from all this immature stuff.. our court papers state that my ex will provide all transportation. My parents and his parents are on the pick up list. I'm not a lazy parent, I pick up my child, I would never send a friend or boyfriend to get MY child. That's my opinion. And to answer some, yes she sent a message on FB I printed it out, I've been consulting with a lawyer for about 3 days. There's many grounds other then this woman threatening me to change my parenting plan. He has not been abiding by our court ordered plan and has as well threatened me. I feel to be successful with this relationship we are forced to have for our child you have to give a little to get a little. I'm not dirt, I will be treated with respect as I will do the same but unfortunately I'm dealing with simple minded people who think money talks and evidence walks. I appreciate EVERYONE and their answers. I've learned a lot from your answers. Maybe I'm wrong, if I am, I can admit that.
S.S. answers from Chicago on March 19, 2013
No one has the right to pick up your child from daycare except you and the father and who ever you list as emergency contact. period.
now having said that. Is this a battle because you don't feel your child is safe with her or just to be pissy to the father? If it is the first you should definitely stand your ground and keep your child safe. If it is the second you need to pick your battles. She may some day become the step parent of your child and regardless of how much you dislike her you should not run her down in front of the child. Children should never be used in a battle between the parents.
If she is sending threatening notes you should be printing them out and taking them with you to a lawyer and or the police. she should not be threatening you or the child. have you discussed that particular issue with your ex?
9 moms found this helpful
D.. answers from Miami on March 19, 2013
I think that you need to take a copy of her threatening message to court and tell the judge that she is threatening to kidnap your daughter and you want a restraining order against her.
Your ex-bf is lazy and wants her to pick up your child because it's too much trouble for him to. He doesn't really want to deal with his daughter, but he wants to throw his weight around by demanding that he can have his new girlfriend do it. She's acting this way because mean people stick together in the bullying department.
I cannot answer your legal questions - none of us can unless we are lawyers (though some women have extensive experience with crappy men in their lives, for sure.) The thing is, you have to have legal help here, and I would personally start with showing the court her message threatening to take your daughter. I would characterize this as a kidnapping threat to the court.
I don't know if this knowledge will make the judge say no to your ex adding her to the parenting plan, but her threat DOES need to be registered with the court.
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on March 19, 2013
You tell the Daycare.
Childcare businesses and schools, cannot just release a child, to whomever picks up the child.
There is a permission form which stipulates who can pick up your child.
If they release a child to someone else, that is, against policy and laws.
And they can get in trouble.
DOCUMENT all the threats, the Girlfriend is making, and that she is picking up your child etc. SAVE the messages the girlfriend sends you. This is, evidence.
Keep documenting, the Girlfriend's actions/and whatever she tells you. Document whatever your Ex is doing, too.
You need to do this. For your own child's protection and per if you go back to court, to dispute anything or change custody.
There are many types of child custody. Research this.
Get a Lawyer. A good one.
Again, if a child care facility or school, releases a child to whomever and to someone that is not permitted to do so... you can report the facility and/or the Police. Perhaps.... filing charges against the Girlfriend... for threats made to you and for attempts to kidnap your daughter etc. or get a restraining order... against her.
If YOU... do not permit the Girlfriend, to be "added" to the custody plan... I would think, your Ex cannot do this.
GET A DAMN GOOD ATTORNEY.
AND CHANGE YOUR CUSTODY PLAN.
Document everything.. about your Ex and his negligence.... you need documentation and proof, about his neglect etc.
And get witnesses, if you can too. For your case.
This is about the law.
Not about the petty personal personality problems between you all.
The bottom line is, the well being of your child... and custody.
But since they "threaten" you... document all of that.
Or get a restraining order against the Girlfriend, and you need to state that you feel "unsafe" for your well being AND your child's.... and you do not feel "safe".... under all these threats against AND your child.
NO you do NOT have to allow the Girlfriend to pick up your child.
And you ARE being threatened. Report this to the Police... that she is attempting to take your child etc.
ie: you said "my child's fathers new girlfriend sent me a message threatening to take my child from me... "
That to me, is a threat.... and it can be taken that she can kidnap your child... against your wishes.
And by the way: Be "smart" in the order in which you should do these things, if you choose to is: file charges against the Girlfriend for whatever threats she made to you and your child. THEN, go to the court and change custody etc. Be wise, in the order of things and what is done first or 2nd etc.
If you want to change custody and who can pick up your child or not... it would make more sense, that if you have a restraining order against Girlfriend first... then it might be easier for you to then, change your custody. Because, documentation/proof would already be filed with the Police.
7 moms found this helpful
B.A. answers from Indianapolis on March 19, 2013
I thank god i am not in this situation. If i was here is what i would do
1. No she can not pick up the child unless both parents feel comfortable with it.
2. Save all messages threats she sends you. Take them to the police and explain the situation.
3. If he is not helping pay fir daycare go back back to court because he needs to be helping with any financial aspects of the childs care.
i will keep you in my prayers.
6 moms found this helpful
C.. answers from Columbia on March 19, 2013
When you said "sent me a message...." were you serious? Because you will need that if you are going to try and prove that she should not even be allowed to pick up your child.
You would have to essentially have enough *proof* that you would be able to get a restraining order.
Until then there shouldn't be a "fight" stating he has the right to add her as an emergency contact.... because he's right and you're wrong. He CAN add whomever he wants to the "pick up" list. he can add a bum off the street or a stranger, if he wants.
Personally..... this is not a road I would go down, for a myriad of reasons.
Legally - her marital status or level of respect has NOTHING to do with your ex's ability to designate her as someone who can spend time or pick up HIS daughter when HE has parenting time.
And.... how does her picking him up *interfere* with YOUR parenting? It isn't your parenting time if he's supposed to have her anyway.
It's not what you want to hear. I'm sure there are plenty of your friends he doesn't like. Even for "good reason". But HE's not allowed to dictate who YOU allow around your daughter when you have her. And vice versa.
Him paying for daycare isn't relevant. you either have appropriate child support in place.... or you don't. if you don't.... then go back to court and sort that out. Child support and finances have NOTHING to do with visitation, really.
It does suck when parents can't get along. And I mean it sucks for the kid. You two made your bed. But YOU need to try and make co-parenting work so that your daughter doesn't suffer. Haul him into mediation. Ask if he would go to counseling.... whatever it takes so that your daughter isn't exposed to fighting for the rest of her life. If that happens you ALL stand to lose, and it will have NOTHING to do with who picks her up from daycare.
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A.V. answers from Washington DC on March 19, 2013
I think you should revisit the daycare's policies and who can release the child to whom. Unfortunately if you are allowed to designate a friend or family member, so can he. If his visitation is once a week, then make sure they have the CO and know to abide by it. We always had a court order on file for the stepkids.
Your problem is really still HIM, not her. She might be vocal, but it is his job to get his kid, his job to pay for daycare, his job to abide by HIS court order, etc. Remember to maintain focus on the responsible party. You might be angry that she exists, but you really need to focus on him.
4 moms found this helpful
J.B. answers from Boston on March 19, 2013
I am 100% with you on this. You do not have to agree to have anyone pick your child up who you do not want to. He would also have the power to veto someone you wanted to do pick up who he didn't agree with. You don't have to allow your child to be in the sole presence of and be transported by someone who you don't like or trust. Keep documenting everything. You may have to amend your parenting plan with court to specify this if he keeps pushing it but given the evidence you have, I doubt any mediator would side with him. I would tell your ex in no uncertain terms that you have documentation of everything and that if continues to press the issue and she continues to act this way, you will take this to court and get a restraining order against her. Remind him that this is not a can of worms he wants to open.
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R.R. answers from Los Angeles on March 19, 2013
No one can pick up my guy unless I give their name and particulars to his preschool. They require ID until they know the person. You being custodial parent I would say makes you the decision maker who that can be. You don't have to allow her to pick up your child, I wouldn't if I'd received a threatening message from her (which your lawyers have seen, correct?)
That is the only reason I would give, not that they are not married, or he isn't following the parenting plan, those are irrelavent here. Her threat and that you alone pay for daycare (which you should be splitting) are what is relavent. Stay focused if you want to look like the responsible parent looking out for the best interest of your child.
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