Can an 11-Year-old Boy Be Expected to Play Alone?

He may have been through the mill, you never know. Perhaps try find other mothers with boys of similar age and arrange a meeting! Meet in a neutral place like the playground or soccer field. If he gets uncomfortable then you can leave.

Take him to the toy store and give him a number (max toy cost) and let him pick something out to play alone with, see if that works!

He should be able to do things on his own at his age, it sounds like eh has attachment issues are you guys seeing a therapist? You might want to look into one for him.

Do you work with a counselor at all? It might help you to discern the nature of what he is dealing with - then you can figure out the best way to handle it.

I can't imagine what it must be like for a child to be scooped up and adopted at age 10. He might be frightened that his luck will run out and that you will disappear too, just like the other people who were supposed to love and care for him.

The difficulty is a blessing in a sense - it lets you know that he needs something still.

Good luck, and God bless you for taking in this child.

. . . he has a background of trauma and neglect . . . .
so get some guidance from agencies or therapists
who work with children who come from that kind of background.
If he had grown up in your home, that would be different.
He needs a lot of guidance and nurturance.
You're his primary guiders and nurturers.
Perhaps look for parent groups for additional support
and/or occasional child care exchange.

I am sure that he is dealing with his abandonment/trauma issues. I would seek counseling for him and see what you can do to ease him into playing by himself. He is most likely very afraid you will leave so if he just stays close, you won't leave him. *Its not normal, but its normal/expected for you with the history of his background. Good luck!!!

M

By 11 most kids are fine entertaining themselves for a while or like hanging out in their rooms, etc.
However, your son hasn't been with you that long and he's had a tough background from the sounds of it.
You just need to find ways to encourage him to do things by himself. Artwork, playing solitaire, making things he can surprise you with like a story he wrote by himself or a craft of some kind.
Try to have patience while he learns the skill of enjoying doing things by himself. Get him a small Lego kit that he can work on and surprise you with how it turns out. Maybe do some brain teaser puzzles together and then let him try some on his own.
I think after he gets a little more feeling of security under his belt, he will start to enjoy alone time.

Best wishes!

You need to be working with a social worker or counselor who specializes in adoption and adoption issues. An 11-year old boy who was adopted at an older age is going to have different needs than a biological child. Did you adopt through an agency? If so, they should be able to recommend someone to help you with issues. Something that is also helpful for adoptive parents it to connect with other adoptive parents. Check Yahoo and Meetup to see if there are any adoption groups in your area. While you can get advice from groups like Mamapedia, you are going to be dealing with issues that others simply can't relate to and it's helpful to talk to parents who are in the same situation. Good luck to you and your son.

I think Molly is right on the money. My son (who is now 12) was like that when he was small. I could not do anything when he was awake because he needed me to keep him entertained. But he outgrew that soon enough. It isn't really normal at age 11. But your child doesn't come from a "normal" situation either. It is going to take years before you can expect him to "fit into" anything considered "normal" when it comes to relationships, trust, or anything even remotely "abandonedment" related.

It is fair to expect that he CAN play alone. But I wouldn't push the issue with him. Earn some trust with him before you expect much there. And definitely seek counseling if he comes from a situation with previous trauma and neglect. You will need it too. Not just for him.

Good luck and God Bless you.

I think you are right on with the fact that you are in an abnormal situation. It makes sense that he would want you with him more than the average kid considering what he has been through. I would say give him that for a while, until he feels very secure that you ARE there and will be there for him. But honestly I have also found that some kids are just better at playing alone and some really need the company of others. Does he have friends that he plays with? I would concentrate on introducing some into the mix...have them over after school to play.

He should be able to play on his own, developmentally (my 3 year old does). But he's adopted and it sounds like he hasn't lived with you very long. I'm not sure about his past, but he's probably still unsure that you will always be there for him and that you're going to keep him forever. Perhaps you can encourage him to play on his own but with you in the room to start with.

I do think that he is essentially telling you what he needs. For your sanity, and to provide him with some independent skills, I would try this: have things that he can do by himself by have him be near you. For instance, working on a puzzle or a craft at the kitchen table/counter while you are in the kitchen making dinner. As he tolerates it, you could increase the time and distance. But honestly, I wouldn't rush it. Once he's a teenager and has established a comfort level with you, he will seek independence on his own. I don't know his specific circumstance, but speaking with a counselor is not a bad idea.

An average 11 year old will easily entertain themselves but it sounds like you are not an average situation. Slowly ween him from constant attention, we had to do this with our 7 year old who needed to be entertained constantly, try games that you can start and he can finish, puzzles video games about half way through excuse yourself( laundry, bathroom, dishes) and ask him if he will finish it you will be back to check on him. Also when he starts bugging you about doing something tell him he can watch the show your watching or help you in the kitchen but right now you need to do this and maybe in a little bit you will do what he wants. Slowly but surely he will start doing things on his own. Be patient it takes a little while but he will eventually entertain himself sometimes.

Your son may need more attention than many 11 yr. old boys. That's okay, he has a history that I presume would require extra attention from (you) his new parents. From you he's learning to interact. Thankfully he's likes the interaction (and likes you and your husband.) This interaction builds his communication skills and builds trust and an ability to relax enough to have fun. Him trusting you, is a gift, that money can't buy.

I know you are new to parenting and suddenly this child is sucking up all the time you have. It's exhausting! You have every right to be tired. All good Mothers know, being weary comes with the territory. Slow and steadily you can wean him off of his complete dependence on you and your husband.

With toddlers and older kids, I've used and recommended saying to your child, "Mom need 15 minutes or 30 minutes to work on the check book." "I'll set the timer and when the buzzer goes off I'll play a game of ____ with you." Then do it.

He doesn't always have to play a game. He can help you and learn by helping in the kitchen. To start, he can learn to shred cheese, peel a potato or carrots, wash the celery or stir cookie dough or brownie mix. Stand him up at the kitchen sink with a potato peeler and potato, show him how to use it. The peels may fly, that's why I recommend you use the kitchen sink as a prep area, it makes clean up easier. Put a bath towel on the floor in front of the sink. After you're finished prepping food you fold up the towel and shake it out the back door. Then throw the towel in the laundry hamper.

Work together, he can help you dust the furniture or use a dust mop on solid surface floors, then he can dust bust, the dirt pile. My kids liked it when I'd turn on music and we'd do a couple minutes of loud (if you & he like it loud) rock & roll house cleaning. Rock out, as you work together.

It may take a while for him to find something that he can do alone, or anything he likes to do alone. Eventually, he may like Lego's or Kinect's (those metal building toys.) He could become an avid reader. Has he tried drawing or painting? What about puzzles? He may want or need to start with easier puzzles, Lego's and paints before he can discover if he likes or dislikes those activities.

My sister & her husband adopted 3 siblings from ages 5-9. Although they had been well fed and had a safe house to live in, they weren't living a full life. Prior to bringing the children home to live, my sister learned the children had no memories of playing a board game or having a story book read to them.

2 years later they are caught up to their age level (and then some!) They love to bowl! They love ping pong! The boys aren't thrilled with reading, but their little girl reads everything in sight.

I wish you the best! And I wish you a quiet coffee break, soon!
A.

yes, he should be able to entertain himself- but if he has always had tv, games or someone else ot entertain him- he might need some help learning how to do it. I suggest finding a hobby you guys can do as a family but also something that he would be able to do on his own. Maybe model airplanes/cars or small science experiment kits(they have them at Hobby Lobby and other craft stores- ones that don't require too much supervision!) Maybe a book on identifying rocks and minerals if you have a large yard and don't mind him digging up a little of it. My 10 yr old son loves to do origami. We do it together and he also spends hours figuring out how to do it by himself.
Try inviting some friends over for him to play with too and watch and see what they are interested in. Drawing is another thing. Get a couple books on how to draw and sit down with him and do some drawing. Then he can sit by himself and do some- my kids also really enjoy doing that. I have pencils, paper, markers, paint, etc. for them and I will sit with them for a while and do it with them, but then I have other things I have to do and they are fine with finishing up by themselves.
Have fun! it might take a while for him to get the hang of it- but keep working with him- he will be fine! You just have to remember at this age he is still a little boy, just in a bigger body! He still needs that attention(and maybe more so due to his history). It is really easy to forget that at 11 they are still really vulnerable and aren't grown into their bodies yet. It's a hard age to be at. You still want to be small, but you also want to prove that you are just as grown up as mom and dad.
~C.

My son is also 11. He does play well alone but not for long periods of time. Your guy may need more time with you than most because of his history. Does he friends yet where you live? How about sports? Get him involved in some activities like that and after some time he should feel better about doing things alone. Welcome to motherhood and trying to figure out what to do like the rest of us moms!

you might try easing him into playing alone. like when he asks you to play with him, let him know you are doing something, but if he plays by himself with it until you are finished, you will join him, or backwards: let him know you can play with him for "x" mins then you need to go get ur housework (or whatever) done.

his "clinginess" is a result of insecurity. for a normal 11 year old, it is expected for him to entertain himself as much as still wanting to play some with parents. i suggest getting him some therapy to work out his issues (resulting from his back ground) or if he is getting it, bring up ur concerns with the therapist privately. good luck

Perhaps it is something you can work up time on?? Maybe have him do something for 5 min alone, and praise him, then move to 10,then 15 then on and on?!?! That is the only thing we can think of. I am sure that it is something from his being adopted later...maybe from his past...I have no idea...but that would be my instinct.

Every kid is different. I have two girls 9 and 2 yo. My 9 hates to be alone, and has never played by herself. The 2 yo will go into her room shut the door and play for a really long time.

With my oldest she does things that are right near me. She does her own things, but never far away. I could never teach her go off and play alone, it is part of her personality.