Can a marriagE Survive with No Trust?

I am so sorry. From what your post says, he is the one with the problem. He is blaming you for his mistrust but you didn't do anything wrong to warrant this distrust. If he won't go to counseling, the only thing you can do is try to understand why he doesn't trust you-----ask him what his fears are, what he is feeling, what would make him trust you etc. Until he realizes he is the one with the problem, you won't be able to move forward with this issue. As for will your marriage survive?----Time and effort on his part will tell--you may be fed up at a certain point and not want to continue or he may as well--hopefully you both will be able to work together through this. But without trusting your partner, its impossible to have a healthy marriage. Good luck and hope this helps.

M.

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He refuses help? But he needs help.

I agree with Laeh-Maggie G., if he refuses, you go to therapy, even if it by yourself. The reason? Because jealousy is a poison. You will soon realize that right now your feeling hurt, because HE says he is afraid you will leave him..

HE snoops through your things? You are then going to become insulted, since you truly love him and are devoted to him... and then YOU are going to become insulted and then begin questioning, where is this all coming from?

If you are like me you do not have any reason to mistrust him, because you just never have these thoughts and yet he is obsessed with these thoughts.

Is it because he thinks about having affairs and cannot trust himself? Oh he will make all types of excuses..and say of course not it is because of you and how wonderful you are, but how can he feel that way, when you have never even begun to think about cheating? And he is snooping? People that are insecure with their own thoughts, cannot trust others.. See how quickly this all got ugly?

He needs to get help. You cannot change him. He has the problem.
DO NOT get pulled into this. Put your foot down now and explain he is not himself and needs to see his physician or a therapist. Tell him you love him too much, for him to be in so much pain that he cannot trust you.

I am sending you strength.

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I didn't have time to read the other posts, so I will give my two cents real quick. My husband was in the military when we got married. It could be one of three things that I can think of ( I could be completely wrong). 1. He's just a very insecure man, though it's strange that this is just coming to light. 2. He's in the military. Unfortunately, alot of spouses cheat on each other in the military. Not all of course, but it does happen, especially if they are gone for long periods of time. He may be paranoid because one of his buddies just found out his wife has had an affair. 3. He could be the one cheating and he's looking for justification. This to happens alot. The cheater accuses the other of cheating to make them feel better about what they have done. Men can be very proud, it may take awhile to talk him into counseling, it may make him feel inferier. Good Luck to you!!!

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(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry to say, but I don't think a marriage with no trust can last. :(
Trust is such a central part of love. If you don't trust someone, how can you open yourself up and truly love them?
I understand his fear is that you will leave, but him admitting he doesn't trust you is a problem. Problems need to be fixed. Things can get fixed through counciling. If he refuses counciling, he is essentially telling you that he knows he has a problem, but it is not worth working on. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't find your relationship worth working on? Therefore, his fear of you leaving could eventually cause you to leave.
This is HIS problem. If you have never given him a reason to doubt you, this is totally and completely HIS issue.
I know it's awful, but I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you need to be trusted. He needs to find a way to trust you, or this won't last.
I'm sorry. Good luck!

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My hubby and I have gone to counseling relating to trust issues...maybe being in the military, he doesn't want that on his record. I would see if he is willing to go if it is put under YOU for therapy. My provider bills as if it is just ME going but we do couples counseling during the sessions. Tell him that you want him to be comfortable with it so you will look around for providers (men or women, whatever he wants) and let him choose. If you don't like one for a reason (too namby pamby), then move to another. I don't think a relationship can survive long term without trust. When you should have built trust by now, he still has none in you -- that is not good. Over time, this will lead to more and more distrust, snooping, anxiety on his part, resentment on yours and drive a wedge between you and cause health problems and possibly rage on his. Best wishes as it will be tough work....whether he agrees to the counseling or not.

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He's the one with the problem. Either he goes for therapy to deal with it or your marriage is doomed.

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I would say he needs to address his issues. some counseling is in order. Obviously wounds from the past have an impact on people however, they can be managed and he does need to move forward. I have no doubt that the military work can be stressful. I would continue the lines of communication and explore this issue and find out what ways you can help him trust you.

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the short answer is no.
it can't. just can't.

he has no right to violate you like that, for no reason and no justification other than HIS own insecurities. he is punishing YOU for HIS issues, yet refusing to get help for it.

so in the long run what he's saying is: i have a problem and because of that i have chosen to violate your privacy and trust... but for my own continued lack of ownership i choose to keep on violating you and mistreating you and disrespecting our vows. i do not value your feelings. only my own.

that's what he's saying bc he is SO selfish, immature, insecure and unable to HANDLE a relationship!!!!!!!!!!

he has VIOLATED you! yet he's unwilling to fix his problems so that he can stop violating you!?

what is that communicating you about how he values you and this marriage?

so no.
a marriage (or any relationship) cannot survive without trust.

unless you find SOME way to get him to a counselor.
bc if you see a counselor on your own, i bet my bottom dollar you will soon see the light and leave him.

the only way for this thing to survive is for both of you to go.

best of luck.
xoxo

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My answer to your original question: No, I don't think so. I could never get used to the idea that my husband didn't trust me and I would suspect that feeling would fester and grow over time bringing resentment.

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... No... it will not work out well, if he does not get help for himself.
This his a problem HE has, which he admits... and he then displaces that onto you....and you already see... that he is 'blaming' his problem... ONTO YOU.

This will continue.... on and on and on and on and on and for years.

He, is a CHICKEN... for not seeking help and being a MAN about it.
SHOW him these responses.

He will... DAMAGE your relationship and marriage and your child.
That is NO way for a child... to grow up.
What a bad influence, he will be.....

He has MANY mental problems... and it WILL... make you a captured soul... because of it. His problem... will hold YOU hostage.

Hopefully he does not escalate... into abusing you....

He already sounds so unstable.....

He really needs help.

For you, I would openly tell your family or close friends. Because... if this escalates or he then tries to CONTROL you and your every move and your relationships with friends/family and prevents you from seeing them or talking to them... then they will KNOW... you are being... abused.

This does not, bode well.

all the best,
Susan

1 mom found this helpful

Seems to me he is looking for an excuse to leave you or trying to ease a guilty conscience. He needs to seek counseling in order for this to get righted in his mind. If you have not done anything to provoke this behavior he needs to be willing to get counseling to work on better communication with you. A marriage cannot survive one sided and mistrusted. It's unbalanced.
My husband would never have considered counseling ever, but 5 years ago it was inevitable. It was truly the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. It's just a third party directing you in better communication and feelings. He should read some of the posts that you receive and see what decision he can conclude. Hope it works out!

Recently I saw a divorce lawyer talking about a syndrome (so to speak) of the Walkaway Wife. What it means is that by the time the husband is willing to go into therapy, the wife is so resigned to ending the marriage that nothing he does will matter anymore.

Link:
http://www.divorcenet.com/states/nationwide/the_walkaway_...

He may be willing to hear about this prominent phenomenon and may be interested in trying some type of therapy, if he sees the statistics of this pattern. It seems that this is fairly common before couples divorce. Not to say that you will, but that there are precursors and perhaps seeing them, he may be willing to try.

Good luck and definitely try to get counseling for yourself if this behavior continues. You deserve to be happy.

No. Trust is extremely important in a relationship. So is communication.

Okay, here's the thing. Marriages have the "terrible twos just like children". BUT if he is not trusting you, he may be the one feeling guilty. NOT SAYING THAT HE IS CHEATING BY ANY MEANS. But if I were you, (which my husband and I have had our problems), try to find something you all three can do together once a week, or try having a date night. Even after 2, 10, 20, 50 years of marriage, you can still get to know each other better. If that doesnt help, and he refuses ANY kind of counseling (even if he goes alone to counseling), then...I don't know what to tell you. I really hope everything works out. All you can do is try as hard you can to show him he can trust you. Goodluck hun

The most honest answer? No. His "insecurities" are creating a situation where you are eventually going to get fed up with all the snooping, questioning, etc. and leave. He's creating his own worst fears. Most people will not stay in a relationship (be it a friendship or a marriage) where somebody questions their every mood and tells them that being with them (coming home) puts them in a bad mood. At some point, you are going to want to be with somebody who confirms you are a good person, not someone who tears you down all the time.
Get counseling for yourself if it's available. You can't force him to go, but you could use the help to assist you with decisions about how you want to proceed with your relationship.

Oh I ache for you. I think that you should go to counseling yourself to at least help you to understand him or to assist in your self esteem through this. It is not your fault. Now I am going to say this but it is only "what's been said before"...they say to look closely at someone when they start losing trust in you...they may be up to no good themselves. I am not at all implying that I know your relationship or that your husband has been unfaithful but maybe he has feelings or "issues" that he may not trust himself. He may be transferring this to you. If you can take the time to seek advise and take care of yourself you may be able to help him at the same time and save the marriage. There may be some piece of his past that he has not shared that has crept up and made him insecure.

Good luck to you.

As a military wife myself... well, there are lots of resources. Free/cheap marriage retreats in fancy hotels with child care provided at the military's expense. But your husband has to want to go or know about them.

Ok, well, I won't want to undermine your husband as head of house but at the same time you do need to talk to someone. I suggest getting advice from a Chaplin on post for one reason only. If you go to a Chaplin on post then it will get to his brigade Chaplin. A lot of military men think counseling will hurt their career so they don't want it.

In a word..NO. You were not doubting his love or commitment before but now you will always be because he has defined your relationship on his very narrow terms. You will probably resent him for not going to counseling either by himself or with you. There is now a chasm between you that he has put there. You are not responsible for bridging that gap. It has to be mutual and reciprocal and right now, he's not willing to go that extra mile to put your mind at ease.

without reading any of the others post, i can promise you its not you, its him. he doesnt trust himself, whether he's recently been tempted, is interested or considering stepping out of your marriage...He probably figures if he's getting away with it (even if its only thoughts) you can too, and heck your home all day, how more convenient then that. and refusing counseling??? red flag, talk to his commander...they have a way of forcing things especially when it comes to loyalty.