But Why

When our kids were young, I learned a technique that served me well. (Still does with my college students...) That is, to "grant in fantasy what you cannot grant in reality". Here's how it works. "Mom, can I go play with Ryan?" "Oh, I know that time at Ryan's would be fun and I WISH I could say yes but we are leaving for grandma's in five minutes and we have to pack up." That does a couple of things. Your child feels like you get their request...you are listening and, in fact, have paraphrased their request. You have also given the reason for your answer. If your child persists, just smile and refuse to engage..."I know, it's a bummer. Grab your swimsuit, it's time to go." Don't play their game...you are the mom and you are in charge but demonstrate that instead of saying it.

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Sometimes when my children ask "why" when I say just said no I turn around and say "well why do you think?". It stops them in their tracks and sometimes they look at me with an expression of "you mean you want me to answer you?" and when I get that look I certainly do want an answer. I don't know if that will help you because all kids are different but it works for mine.
I hope that helps.

1 mom found this helpful

If the "why" is what you want to stop, give the explanation with the no. In fact, refrain from using no when possible. For example, if your children are jumping on the sofa, and you don't want them to, say, "The sofa is for sitting" or "We sit on sofas." In other words, give information so they can determine what needs to result. When the child gets into something that is not theirs, say, "This is mommy's" (or whomevers) instead of saying, "no". Or "Knives cut" instead of "no". This helps them to think. By giving them information, they can then process it and figure it out. I find that it can be fun to think of other ways of saying no! Another helpful tool is to offer choices to avoid the no. For example: If you want them to wash their hands, by giving them the choice of using this sink or that sink, no isn't a response. It gives them some power, and we all need to have some to feel autonomous and independent. Again, I find it fun to think of the choice I can offer. (Either choice, of course, has to be acceptable to you) These are really good discipline tools. Fun for parents to use, and fun (as well as helpful) for the child! And it is effective in building good relationships with our children while helping them to become responsible, thinking people. Have fun!

1 mom found this helpful

Depending on your kids age a small and simple explaination is all that is needed.Once you have given them a reason,you may just have to ignore them if they continue with the "but why". Small kids just don't have the ability to reason yet so if you keep trying to explain you may just be beating your head against the wall. If all else fails you may need to use that dreaded "Because I said so" card. Good luck!!!!

Say the no and then replace it with a yes sentence, " yes u can have or do this" , sounds like you just give them a negative response.
That worked on all 3 of mine, now 8, 12 , 14 and they now are old enough for me to give explanations for my present no's.
Try it.

A., mom of 3 and a Registered Nurse.

I totally agree with Jen B. Asking "why?" is truly annoying most of the time, but it is how they learn. They need explinations. It helps them to understand how to deal with different situations on thier own. Good luck!

I believe that any child, any age deserves to know the reason why. Unless, you have already explained to them the reason. In that case, I would just remind them that they already know the reason why. That is something that I do with my 14yo all the way down to my 2yo (I have 5 ~ 6th due in May).
The main reason children ask "why?" is because they want the conversation to keep going. Most likely because they do not like the answer that they got. Which in your case was "no.".
What I have found to solve that is to say "yes" as much as possible!
How can you do that...you are probably wondering...?
I think someone else touched on it here.
When you are asked "can I do this"...well right now may not be appropriate or good at the time.
So let them know when would be good.
For example: "Mom, can I go to my friend's house?"
Your response would be: "Yes, as soon as you clean your room.".
If this gets a "but, WHY?".
Simply state: "You already know the reason why".
If questioning continues or if you have younger children, perhaps they really aren't aware of the reason. Given the benefit of the doubt, simple state: "Because that is what you need to do if you want to go."
Once that is established...you have the right to ignore any further questioning.
It has worked with all of my 5.
Good luck with yours!
~D.

I hated using BISS too but it is SOOOOO necessary sometimes. You don't have to explain every why to your children. They don't have the level of understanding you do and sometimes they do it just to prolong the situation. It becomes a mommy manipulation tool. You can always respond with "Because it's the right thing to do". You are realizing what every mom discovers; there was a good reason for many of things your own mom said.

T. C.
Spa Girlfriend Parties
www.spaescapescottsdale.com

It's hard to respond without knowing how old your kids are. If they are older, they may really want to know why the answer is no. If it's something simple, like "No, you can't have a snack now because we are eating dinner and you will spoin your appitite" that's one thing. A simple explanation should do it. But if they are asking "Why" to wear you down, or in defience because they don't like the answer, then I would let them know that if they continue to ask why after you have made a decision, then there will be appropriate negative consequences.If it's "No, I'm not buying that toy." then I think the "I'm the mom and that is my decision" answer is just fine. If they complain or ask why, then when you get home, take a toy away for the week. The important thing is to maintain your cool. If you don't get angry, and are instead just very factual about what the consequences will be, then they will figure out that "why" doesn't help. And NEVER NEVER NEVER give in. If you do, even one time, the battle will be harder next time! Good luck. J. W

Just tell them the actual reason why, but only explain it one time. For any further questioning, tell them you already told them.

I don't know if you are religious or not, and our family is not heavy into religion, but are practicing Christians and this has worked for me on all my nieces, nephews, and all other kids I have come across. When they would ask why over and over i always tell them "Because that's they way God wanted it" and if they ask why again I tell them that they need to talk to him about it and He'll tell you. So I told them they would have to shut their eyes and either whisper or talk to God in their heads and somehow they would always tell me that He told them why in their heads or whispered it in their ears and they were satisfied. Another one I always used when I was a teacher was "because is the only answer to why" If anything it always stumped them and by the time they thought about it for awhile we were on to something new.

shoutouts to the mums who said we're starting to realize our mothers were wiser than we thought and that when it's a game of "wearing mom down" the best thing is not to play along.
there's a difference between natural curiosity and the rattlings of questioning authority and demanding things.
to the mom who thinks this is a good idea: so basically what you're saying is that you're teaching your kids to distrust even you? and every other person that comes into their lives in their future? free thinking comes to everyone, teaching the kids to question authority is entirely a different thing. i hope your kids are homeschooled! "walking to the beat of your own drum at 3?" not cute. unable to control your child at 3 because he's a "free thinker"? also not cute. making up your own minds is one thing. teaching a spirit of rebellion or anarchy is entirely another. fact is we don't know how old B.'s kids are, but the reason they keep asking "why not" is because you always answer them! ;)

I despised hearing that reason and vowed to never use it. It's just about the only one I've managed to stick to. Our kids are 16, 14, 12, 6 and 14 mo, so I would hear it quite often. I don't hear "why? or why not?" as often as I could, however, as I head it off with the reason(s) up front, sometimes without even "no." e.i. "Can I use the computer?" "You sister is doing homework on it right now. And she won't get finished before you have to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow after school." That way they can't say that I always say no, as I rarely have to say no; it is implied.
Also, I would be grateful that your children ask why, rather than just blindly take your word. I encourage my kids to ask questions, (even if at time it is tedious) so when they grew up, they have, in my opinion, one of the most important skills required in this life. Ask questions about everything, then make decisions, rather than just do what you're told. That becomes do what everyone else does, and I think that's one way that we got where we are.