Bullying: Please Help Me Understand

My oldest son was bullied for MANY years in elem. school. I called each parent to let them know what thier child was doing. That made it worse. So I talked to the school. That made it worse. Then when the chance arouse, I grabbed each child involved and pulled them aside and threaten to do the same thing to them as they were doing to my son only worse and nobody would believe that an adult/ other parent would actually do that to them so it would be my word against thiers and since there is already a history of thier actions with the school and police they would believe me. (mature I know) Some backed off some didnt. Then I went to EVERY school board meeting and made sure my voice was heard. When nothing was done I then paid a lawyer $25 to write up something for me stating that if they didn't start following the anti-bullying laws in place we would sue the school district. Then things started to happen ( 4 yrs after it started). The popular kids were starting to get into trouble and their reps were being tarnished.

Its ironic because some of the kids who the worse to my son are now some of this good friend now that they are starting high school this year. Another one now will have my son's back on anything. Its nice to know that some kids can change!

It was to the point my son missed over a month of school one year and was physically sick all day in school. He would throw up all the time. He lost alot of weight, he was so depressed we had to put him on anti depression meds. Not something any 8yr old should ever have to be on because the hands of another child!!

Last year I asked one of the kids why they did that. His explantion was because he was new ( kindergarten ) to the school (and town) and being so quiet he was an easy target. They knew he wouldn't tell on them and they thought it was funny to see how far they could go.

Living in a small town isn't always cracked up as it seems. Children already have thier friends/ clicks by the time they start school. Thankfully not all kids in small towns are bad and its easier to point out the ones who are.

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One thing I noticed, was many bullied kids were socially awkward. Others, were just fine and not awkward at all, people just enjoyed preying on others. I think once a person is targeted by an individual, then it becomes a target for a group of people to bully.

I was a fairly popular person, thespian, cheerleader, class favorites. But I was also bullied to a small degree by my fake friends, I had no real friends... I couldn't understand why my name was popular but I wasn't. I don't know why, still don't and I still don't have any 'close friends'. Social clicks had formed and I didn't fit in 100% to any of them... people can be so cruel if you wear a flannel shirt one day and a polo the next. It was terrible and at the age of 13, I attempted hanging. My mom always trying to force me to be more popular didn't help. Especially when my parents extreme rules and punishments factored in, thus further ostracizing me. It's interesting, at 30 years old, you would think that those emotional scars would have left.

As for teaching your son.. teach him how to stand up for himself, how to ask for help, and try to teach him how to not be socially awkward and how to work and play with others in a positive way. Involve him in extracurricular activities where he can socialize with peers outside of his school too.

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My oldest was bullied in elementary school. He wanted to succeed. He wanted to do well. He actually liked the academic part of school. He could figure skate -- that lasted until he got teased by the hockey boys one day. He was socially awkward because he had many ear infections as a child and because he couldn't hear them - nor could he speak clearly - he missed a key stage in relating to others. It wasn't his fault, it just was.
We put him in Karate to give him discipline and structure. He excelled and the kids there had a new respect for him. He learned to keep his mouth shut. He learned to be a team player and a leader. If your son takes Karate, he will learn how to defend himself. He will learn how to deflect the comments. He will learn how to interact with other kids. He will learn how to lead.
I also put my son into Cotillion -- where they teach social graces. He learned how to shake hands, how to ask a girl to dance, how to dance, how to talk to people, and how to eat with "all those forks".
My son still has trouble reading people, but he manages. He went to his college's summer session and did great! He met a lot of people. He made a lot of friends. His only issue now: He is a giant flirt!
You can't stop kids from bullying others unless you have all the parents on board. "Not my Johnny" is still pretty prevalent... What you can do is be proactive and give your kid the tools he needs to become a successful, well adjusted adult.
LBC

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I would never have harmed another person on purpose and I was never a good target for bullies as a child. The few times the bullies tried, I usually was able to distract them either with words, strong eye contact or by reacting very little. My daughter had a little trouble in kindergarten but we role played. It helped that she knew how to react when other children were mean. When they made fun of her name, I helped her come up with funny names for them. That stopped that game quickly. I've tried to teach her how to interact with others to avoid problems. It isn't easy but it has helped.

She also understands that can get help from adults at school and that if they don't help, I will stop the bullies. I encourage her to help other kids that are being bullied. It helps when friends stand up for each other.

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I've worked with kids in many different capacities.

You don't need to overthink this issue; it all boils down to one thing: Kids bully other kids because they CAN. Weak children who will accept being bullied are the ones who will be bullied. Period.

If your child is starting to be bullied, you need to role-play responses to to the bullying with him. Kids who stand up and fight back will cease to be bullied.

Some news person (can't remember who it was) the other day was recounting a story of the valuable lesson he learned from a friend when he was young. He was constantly picked on as being gay (he wasn't), and then the bullies started doing the same thing to a friend of his (who also wasn't gay). The friend turned to them and said, "Yeah, I'm gay, wanna have sex with me," or something to that effect, and the bully stood there, startled, and turned around and walked away, and never bothered him again. The guy telling the story said that was one of the most valuable lessons he's ever learned. I'll edit this if I remember who it was.

Teach your kid to be strong.

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I have a unique perspective for you because I have been on both sides of bullying. I was a bully when I was younger and then at age 12 I was in a car accident and was bullied terribly. When I was in my car accident I got brain damage and had to learn to do everything over again like a baby. I have some damage to my nerves on my right side that I can never get back because I also suffered right side paralysis. It seems amazing how such a traumatic and ugly thing turned out to be such a pivotal event in my life.

I know I was a bully because I chose to cover up my very dysfunctional home life. I was a very unhappy child!! Most bullies are... I did not want anyone to look closely at me and see that I was not as cool as they all thought I was. Even in adulthood the people that have the most skeletons in their closet are the most judgmental!! It is all the same game we are just a little older now. I still feel terrible because I acted like this. :(

After my accident I was bullied. I had so many issues of my own to deal with but kids wanted to belittle me more. I had been a bully so I knew that they were just scared and ignorant. My mother was no help in the matter. She actually made things worse!! There was not a day that went by that I was not bullied in some way or another. It just made me stronger!! The same kids that thought I was so cool in elementary school were the biggest bullies. One girl that was able to look past my bullying childhood became my best friend and is still my best friend today even though we are miles apart. I can remember how I used to make her cry and so to have her befriend me was very special!!

My own kids are very unique individuals. My daughter is in college now but she also had her share of bullies. She is a very intelligent girl but marches to the beat of her own drummer. We have discussed how bullies are really very unhappy people and I supported her emotionally as much as possible. She had the big samoan football players in high school bully her and she went to the principal and nothing was done. She happened to be the teacher's aide for the school police officer's wife. My daughter went to class one day and she was crying and when she told the officer's wife who in turn told the officer then it was taken care of. My middle son is a big boy and he takes care of things himself. My littlest boy really has not dealt with much of it yet.

My best advice is to keep an open line of communication with your children. They can tell you how they want you to deal with it. Bullying is not to be tolerated in schools. Since Columbine came around then people usually look at it differently. It is a sad situation and I work on a special needs school bus. The kids who want to try to make everyone think that they are perfect and look down on everyone else are the worst.

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My oldest 2 girls have done very well in school. By that, I mean they have had lots of friends, have been academically successfull, and have both gradyated high school with honors. Even the younger of the 2 of them, who is very artsy, who was VERY into theatre and chorus, did very well. She is going on to college in a couple weeks as a theatre major. :) YEAH! I never thought they had any issues with bullying. Recently, they both told me about some of the horrors they went through in middle school, because they were bullied. It made me sick. I felt so bad because I never knew. I wondered how they could have gone through that, and maintained their grades, and I never knew. Well, they did each have friends. They managed to hang on to the friends they had, and keep their chins up, and when high school rolled around, they were both accepted into that new place with their different talents and areas of interest, and their circle of friends grew. Before I knew it, they were friends with everyone in the school, all of the "cliques" They all kind of bled into one another in high school.
My younger 2 kids are going to be a different story I think. They both have some form of special need, or social issue, and getting along with their peers is a whole different world for them. My daughter, (who is 8), may unfortunatly attempt to be the bully. I will NOT allow it if it does happen, however it is what I can see in her personality. She is bipolar, and a controling personality. Always wants to be in charge, and will not do things any way but her won. (this is with other peers, NOT adults, as we have worked long and hard to stop that behavior) My son, (age 10), will be the one getting bullied I suspect. It has already begun, and breaks my heart. He does NOT get bullied for the things that you would assume he would. I just answered a post about if a mom should let her boys wear pink shoes, and I would do that if he wanted to wear them. My son gets bullied for things that annoy others in his peer group, but he can't control. He acts differently, very immature. He has aspergers, along with a few other things. He has some "ticks" Socially, he is about 2 to 3 yrs behind. We work with him DAILY to try to teach him how to interact with others in social situations. He has come very far. HE does have a select group of friends, and they are very tight. They stand up for him, but he needs to learn to stand up for himself. It's something that won't change until he does. He is just very caring and sweet. As far as the school having a no tolerence policy, you are right, they have that policy. It does no good. You can't unring a bell. No apology can take away the pain that harsh words or humiliation has caused. Really. We need to teach our kids that.

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So what if you buck the system. Being bullied is a cruel and nasty thing. Once I grew up I realized how empty on the inside those "popular kids" were.
I was an artist and I ignored the empty ones criticisms.
Teach your children to excell at what they do. Whether it's art or Judo or language skills. If they have skills they can respect themselves for they can overcome anyone else's cruel words or bullying.
Make the school district live up the the antibullying rules.

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I totally get what you are saying. From time to time I see my daughter say and do things that could be misconstrued and I cringe for her. I know that the way she says or does things are not meant the way most people take them (because I know her), but most people, especially kids her age, do not. I worry about this very thing.

To answer your first question:

"how do you balance your uniqueness as an individual with the need to respect at least some of the social etiquette without going too far away from yourself or, on the flipside, not thumbing your nose too often at "the crowd"?

I think we all need to treat people respectfully regardless of whether we "agree" with the "crowd" or not. I don't think you give up a part of yourself if you are respectful to others...we must all practice tolerance. :) There's a difference between respecting others and giving in/not being true to yourself. As there is a difference between disagreeing and thumbing your nose at someone/something. Often it is how we say things that mean more that what we say. I realize this sounds great in theory, but hard to live in reality. Even so, I do believe we should all strive for it.

I try to point out things that my daughter says that could be taken wrong (later when we are alone). I want her to understand that how she says things matters and that others could (and do) misunderstand her. When we talk about it later, it's like a light bulb goes on when she realizes what I'm talking about. Then she understands how others perceive her and how she contributed to that perception (right or wrong). I try not to worry about her being friends with everyone (that's overrated). But I do want her to be respectful to everyone...we all deserve that. By doing this, I am hoping that I am (in some way) protecting her from being bullied.

I commend you for starting this discussion. And I agree that laws and reality are far apart and that getting to root of it is more beneficial. It's painful to watch your child go through this. Thank you...it's good to hear what others think!

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I was bullied...and I don't care how socially awkward a person is, I don't know how you came to your rational...but there is NO justification for bullying. Please, for the sake of your son...don't tell him he needed to be humbled. Most schools have a zero tolerance...take it up with the teacher and go higher if you have to.
No justification for bullying....
I was a target because I wore glasses, because I had nice clothes, because I got good grades...but there is no reason that would have ever justified what bullying is.
The very definition of bully is one who is habitually cruel or overbearing especially to a smaller or weaker person, other definitions go on to say it can be for a particular or unidentified reason.
If you have a child who is being bullied the last thing you should be doing is trying to justify why he or she is being bullied. Don't get me wrong I feel sorry for the child who is a bully because it is a blatant cry for help, God knows what the child has gone through, but the damage a bully can do to another child's self esteem can stick with them for a lifetime.

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I totally get what you're saying. Not sure I have a lot to add except keep working with your son and other kids to avoid making remarks that can bother people etc. Sure, unique is great but I agree that some kids constantly call attention to themselves to their own detriment. I think I had an unusual school in that not many kids were picked on in general. But to be honest, the 2 boys in elementary school who were kind of asked for it. I stood by as they were teased etc but clearly remember thinking "just shut up." These boys didn't know when to keep their mouths shut. In hindsight, likely they suffered from Aspergers or something like that. There was also a very unusual girl in junior high - I believe exceptionally smart, literally head in book all the time and to be honest, long dirty hair and she was overweight. But no one really bothered her bc she kept to herself. No one was particularly nice but they didn't go out of their way to be mean either I think bc she didn't call attention to herself. Other kids who were picked on sometimes were poor athletes so doing your best to make your kids adequate at sports likely helps. In high school, we had a shocking lack of bullying but the kids who were picked on a little were the ones who seemed to want to be in the "popular" crowd while that crowd wasn't interested. When these kids were persistent in their efforts, sometimes that lead to people not being nice. But those kids were making it hard on themselves by pushing themselves on others. So I certainly will counsel against that. Sure, there's no excuse for bullying and likely it happens to many many kids for no reason but I agree you can at least try to teach your kids to avoid making themselves a target. IMO, I'll teach my kids to somewhat conform on the outside while not changing who they are inside.

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Very well said/written. I woudn't say I was bullied but I wouldn't say I was in the 'in' crowd either. I had the usual little teases from the mean kids but somehow skipped past the actualy bullying. I think for me it was that I was kind of shy until I was your friend. Not overly, in the corner, kind of shy, but just enough to show that I was insecure which I will say is my biggest downfall. I think that I was not secure enough to be outgoing, I wanted to be approached instead of me approaching. by college I waited tables and that truly brought me out of my shyness and insecurity. I did not have a loving dad which I think is mostly to blame. With my children they have a wonderful father who is fully involved but yet I am seeing little things that show they might be a bit insecure. It scares me b/c now as an adult, I can look back and say, "why didn't I just walk into that party and say "HI"??? My kids are social but they sit back and wait to be talked to and then they are fine from there. I sometimes wonder if it is genetic? I am really outgoing now and my children have never seen me be insecure or intimidated so I wonder.....
My husband is really laid back and confident, I am seeing a bit of him in our 8 yr old son. I can only hope he is the same. It scares me to think they might be bullied or picked on and it actually infuriates me. Our son is kind of small so he has at times been picked on. He just blows it off and ignores it but what if someday it affects him? I just have no tolerance for bullying. It makes me really sad to see it. I truly think that it too starts with the parents or if they have some sort of weakness that they are trying to overcome. There is a boy in my son's class that is about 40lbs heavier than most kids in the class and he is little by little turning into a bully. His mom does not discipline, well, she tries. So for me, I see that child has a weakness he is compensating for and then his parents don't seem to see it. Other kids are small so they bully b/c they are too small. I try so hard to make my children sweet and respectful and then when children are so mean to them, they don't know how to handle it. They dont' know how to react. When my son was 6 another child spit on him. He just looked at him! I told him after he should have pushed the kid down! My husband says, "no, you get an adult"...I grew up if you are attacked, you react! My husband though is a much better person, truly, he is a much calmer person and a much more mature person. I just have no tolerance.
I am sorry you dealt with that as a child and just b/c you now understand what you did wrong, there is no way you could have known then. That was your personality and that was what you felt you needed to do at the time....

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I was bullied for no reason. Didn't step on anyone's toes. It was sad and horible until I a made it into high school. Doesn't matter if kids say something innapropriate. No one is born knowing the social norm and what should or shouldn't be said. They have to be taught and yep mistakes happen. All parents should be teaching their kids, about giving eachother grace and being kind to one another. No you won't be best friends with everyone but you shouldn't be picked on either. Remember that poster..All I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten?

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I honestly dont really remember. I know kids were mean at times, I just dont remember the ins and outs of it.
I do know that schools now have very little tolerance for bullying. We had one experience with it last school year, and they were on top of it like white on rice.
I also do know, that if it wasnt taken care of, they would never here the end of it from me. I wont stop. No one is going to make my kid feel like killing themselves EVER.

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I never thought of myself as being bullied exactly (I was in elementary school back in the '60s), but I was definitely teased by some of the boys in my class. Later I realized that some of it bordered on sexual harassment. Two things helped me. First, I often had long talks with my mother and she helped me deal with my social awkwardness. Second, I had a best friend, a girl who was well-liked by everyone and who also understood me--we're still bff! Two of my boys have had problems with social awkwardness and I have had the long talks with them. Neither of them has really had a bff, but I have always encouraged involvement in school activities. One is set to start his senior year in college, and he's also engaged to a very nice girl. (So I guess he does have a bff!) And he is much more confident and comfortable now.

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I don't have a lot to offer, but if you think that your son might understand, I would say to have a serious sit-down talk with him. Share how utterly awful it was for you, and share how you might have inadvertently sparked that fire.

Then talk about him and how he is starting to be picked on. Suggest to him that you guys do some role playing games so that he can learn some of the things.

Talk to his school -- his teachers, principal, counselor, etc. Share your concerns with them. Ask them if they have any resources for learning these social rules (I'm thinking along the lines of the social development classes that Auspbergers/autistic kids are given--might this be appropriate?) Alert them to the fact that you are very fearful that he is going to end up in the social hell you were in, and you want to avoid it if at all possible.

If you can, try to get him into acting. Acting is all about emotions and learning what to display and when. I think it might be really good training for him.

Get him involved in activities/hobbies he's passionate about. Having a passion/hobby and friends that share it can make a world of difference--having a safe place to be oneself can make a huge difference to a child/person's resilience against torment and stress.

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I can't wait to see the answers you get on this. My son is 11 and he struggles socially and your story really hits home. My husband & I struggle to get him to realize that the way he acts & things he does when with other kids makes him a target for the cruel acts of others. I have cried many nights trying to figure out how to get him to understand how to act when he is with others. Geting ready to try Social Therapy to see if it works.

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I was never in a "click" really just had friendsin all catergories, but never was friends with bullies. I say things how I see it and I have no filter which is my down fall. We all have our ups and down times I think and as we grow up we test out different situations. As moms we dont want our kids to go down the same path bc we dont want them to get hurt. Thats natural. My daughter (21 months old) is very nice and loves everyone, but around my nephew (2.5 yrs old) who is a bully then she becomes one but only when she is around him. Sometimes I think its a way to get noticed whether positive or negative its still attention. I am trying to figure out how to stop this also. Let me know if you have any advise for this age group. All we can do is coach, teach, and pray for our children and hopes they will learn by watching others. Good luck and thinking of you in this time.

Updated

I was never in a "click" really just had friendsin all catergories, but never was friends with bullies. I say things how I see it and I have no filter which is my down fall. We all have our ups and down times I think and as we grow up we test out different situations. As moms we dont want our kids to go down the same path bc we dont want them to get hurt. Thats natural. My daughter (21 months old) is very nice and loves everyone, but around my nephew (2.5 yrs old) who is a bully then she becomes one but only when she is around him. Sometimes I think its a way to get noticed whether positive or negative its still attention. I am trying to figure out how to stop this also. Let me know if you have any advise for this age group. All we can do is coach, teach, and pray for our children and hopes they will learn by watching others. Good luck and thinking of you in this time.