Bullying of My Daughter

S. - You have got to INTERVENE. I heard an excellent discussion on this a few days ago on the Diane Rehm show (National Public Radio station on WAMU 88.5 FM). You have got to INTERVENE.

http://wamu.org/programs/dr/08/03/09.php#19925

cmf

1 mom found this helpful

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening. The guidance couselor and her teacher should be supportive...stay on them. I had an issue w/ my daughter and school and the most important thing is that I kept an open dialogue w/ my daughter so she would come to me...and a lot about that is to just LISTEN and let them talk and talk...they sometimes stop when we start to try to "fix" the problem....so repeat back what they say to you, "I hear you are saying..." etc and that helps them feel heard. Then allow them to be part of the solution, I say for instance, what do you think I can do about this to support you? and see if she has any ideas. Then, also you can add, I'm thinking maybe the counselor might be able to help us, how do you feel about me talking w/ her/him? Sometimes my daughter gets upset when I want to intervene but when I know I have to I just say, I know this is upsetting you, but as your mom it is my job to protect you and help you, but we can ask the counselor to keep this private, etc...best of luck to you. Our county has very strong anti bullying rules, so hopefully the school will be very helpful.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

Have you read anything by James Dobson? He would say to pull your daughter out immediately. Harsh? Rash? Maybe. Worth your daughter's life? Absolutely. The sad truth is, that is the fight you are fighting. The administration should've intervened long before this, but now when they do, who do you think will pay for it? There is no way, nothing a guidance counselor could say, and no amount of money that would be worth leaving my child in this situation. But, that's just IMO.

Hello Dear,
My daughter was bullied also. I went to her school and spoke with the gym teacher first because he was the one who witnessed it and then I went to the vice principal. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I have no problem filing charges against children. Also that my second suit would be against the school who failed to provide safety for my child. You may think this is drastic but it was only after a meeting with the other parents in his office was denied. Problem solved by the end of the following day. The reason I wanted to meet with the other parents is because sometimes these bullies' parents are unaware that their children are behaving that way. Once they have been made aware, I was prepared to wait and see what they would do about it and act/react accordingly. I never got the chance so I became the aggressor. You do what you have to do to protect your child. Good luck to you.

I have had the same problem with my 12 yr old as well. I first talked to the guidance counselor and it has helped in her case but you really have to stay on top of it. She will need to report the incidents with exact names of the persons doing this to her. If the doesn't work the next step will e to get the dean or asst principle involved. It depends on the school. Here where I am they have deans for each grade level.

HI S. ~
My son was picked on terribly during middle school, especially on the bus. This is what I did:

First ~ I asked my son what HE wanted me to do. At first he didn't want to tell anyone or have me intervene because he would be considered "a rat" and thought it would make things worse. But it got to the point where he just couldn't take it anymore and asked me to do something about it.

Next ~ Instead of going to authorities or parents, I had my son give me the names of the kids. I found their phone#s and called the kids themselves and spoke to them. I told them I did not want to have to go to their parents or school officials with the problem, so this was their opportunity to make it right on their own. I told them if it continued, I would go to their parents and the principal and they would get in trouble. I also told them a little bit about my son - that he was a person who took friendships serioulsy and would be a good friend if that's what they needed. Also, that he was not a "gay boy" like they were teasing him about, but that he was a Boy Scout, and had just finished hiking over 7 miles in the snow that past weekend. They seemed surprised and impressed by that. They were polite to me on the phone and said they were sorry and would stop.

Last: Things got better and now one of those boys is his best friend.

I think it is always best to try to let these kids save face for themselves. It gives them the chance to do the right thing on their own and means much more than when forced or punished into trying to change behavior. However, if need be, you must follow through if they do not respond. You are actually doing these kids a favor by intervening early on. They will not get along in life if they don't learn how to treat people decently. I also think it is good to explain to your child that when kids act this way, it's usually because they feel bad about THEMSELVES and they are just lashing out to try to make themselves feel better and to try not to take the teasing so personally. Sometimes showing a little bit of compasion for these bullies can bring them around to see that there really are people in this world that care about them. Good luck and keep encouraging your daughter to be strong. These incidences have a way of affecting self esteem, so let your daughter know there is NOTHING WRONG with HER! Just continuing to be a good person is important!

Best Wishes ~ K.

I never had daughters, and don't know about the schools here in Maryland. When I lived in Pa. my 4H girls were saying how afraid they were of going to the bathroom. So I marched myself in one day (I'm extremely shy) and told the principal that I'd like to take a tour of the school including the bathrooms. He had to let me do this. The bathrooms were as bad as the girls said. I made comments, wrote letter to the editor. They got fixed up.

Be glad that she finally told you and you can help her through it. Remind her to stay with a friend our group of friends during lunch and before and after school. Talking to the counselor is a great step and maybe the principal as well. The teacher should also be aware of why she is asking to go during class. I understand that there are breaks (short ones) in between class but can they really deny your daughter a bathroom privelage? Keep communicating with your daughter and give her lots of encouragement,support and if she's always been truthful to you believe what she has to tell you.

S., as the mother of two grown children and 4(5 in a few days grandchildren) and as former guidance counselor, I urge you to take this issue very seriously, as it appears that you are. When you speak to the guidance counselor at your daughter's school ask them about the school's anti-bullying education program. If they don't have one then insist that they implement one, even if you have to go to the Board of Education to make it happen.

Most of the time children who bully have self-esteem issues and bullying someone else makes them feel stronger and more powerful, thus relieving some of their feelings of inferiority. You can work on helping your daughter figure out how to not let the bullying get her down. One technique would be for her to imagine something silly when she is being bullied, so rather than buy into what the bully is saying to her she can at least be laughing on the inside.

I guess the two keys here are to make sure that the school takes this seriously and takes action not only to stop the bullying but to protect your daughter and to help your daughter as much as you can to be strong enough to survive this experience.

R.

Whatever else you do, I suggest NOT telling your daughter to "just ignore it" as many parents do. I would be very clear that this behavior is not okay and that you may not know how hard it is for her, but you will do your best to a) try to stop it and b) help her deal with it. I would encourage her to be vocal with the bullies that she does not deserve to be treated this way. In this way, you are giving her some power - no one may be able to change the way these girls behave, but your daughter can be in control of how she acts and feels about the situation. Good luck.

S., I just want to encourage you to be your daughter's champion. She will learn that she is worth "fighting for", in part, by watching how hard you are willing to go to the mat for her. I also think it is important for you to trust your gut. You know your daughter better than the guidance counselor or other mothers who may be involved. She deserves to feel safe in school.

While I have not had this situation occur, I attended a bullying workshop at my son's elementary school. The counselors there took the issue quite seriously and advised parents to let the schools intervene rather than attempt to confront the other kids' families yourself. In my experience, the bullies are well known in the school, so it wouldn't surprise me if yours wasn't the only complaint about the girls involved.

The only other thought is that you should have in your mind ideas for addressing some issues in case you are asked to brainstorm solutions.

All the best to you and your daughter.

Your daughter is a little older than mine but I think your instinct about not using the restroom on breaks is probably right. This is the kind of situation where having a tight group of friends would be beneficial to your daughter. If you aren't involved in your daughters social life it might be a good idea to become involved. Host things at your house if possible. Also if your daughter in into technology I would monitor it as much as possible. Not because you don't trust her, but to gather info and protect her. I would take this seriously and also talk to all of her teachers. I feel for you. Good Luck.

I don't have any daughters, but when my oldest son started kindergarten, everyday he was beat up by a 5th grader. We went to the home of the fifth grader and talked to the parents. We advised if it happened again that since we had officially talked to them (parents) that charges would be filed against them as parents for not properly taken action for their child and we would also report their child to child services. We never had another problem. It is a harsh route, but it worked. If your daughter knows who the kids are, you should go to the office and request a school meeting with the principal and those kids parents. Say what I said. You can even give it to them in writing. You have the principal as your witness.

Sure hope things get better for your daughter. Middle school is so hard. At one time, I had one in kindergarden, one in middle school and a senior in high school. I've been through it all.

B. B - Jessup, Maryland

I would agree with another poster, to go directly to the teachers, and principal. Your child should not have to feel that scared while at school, to the point of not going to the bathroom. Talking to the counselor may be helpful...but I would also encourage your daughter to open up about these specific situations to you on a daily basis, so that you can take the action necessary. Through her, try to find out if there is one girl in specific that is bothering her, or a small group...or whatever. That may help you out a lot when you confront the teachers, councelor, or principal.

Hi, I have been a guidance counselor in schools, and its a good idea to start with them and let them know what is going on. They will probably want to talk to your daughter and see if she will tell them who is bullying her. If she does not give them the names, they will unfotunately continue to bully her. If she gives them the names, then the other kids will be questioned also, and their parents will be alerted, and they can deal with their kids also. Most schools have a pretty strict no-bully policy also, so they should not let the bullies get away with it. Good luck, it is so hard when our kids are in this situation. I've been on both sides of this...Good luck!

Could she use the bathroom in the nurse's office for the time being? Does she have friends she could use as a buddy system? What is the school policy on bullying?

I'm glad to see you are going talk to the administration/teachers. Hopefully that will give you a plan of action for her.

In an extreme solution, you can ask about her being moved to another class or to another middle school. However, she may face those girls again in the future.

Lots of good advice here. Here's a couple ideas that I didn't see below:

1) Enroll your daughter in self-defense classes or martial arts. There is a program called "Krav Maga" that has schools here in Maryland, and they have classes for kids over 7. It is FANTASTIC exercise, fun, and very effective. Some kinds of martial arts are mostly ceremony, but Krav Maga is actually useful and it is the system used by a lot of police forces and by the Israeli army to quickly teach raw recruits the basics of how to defend themselves. Likely she will never have to use it. Like me, my husband was unpopular in school but, unlike me, he was never physically afraid--they knew he'd been in karate since he was 6. It's a real deterrent.

2) Don't be afraid to tell the school people that you are willing to take your daughter out of that school! I believe they lose funding for every student they lose. If you are a stay-at-home mom or even home most of the time, home-schooling your daughter or letting her take correspondence courses is a viable alternative. I know it gets a bad rap but the research suggests that it is beneficial academically and good for girl's self-image too.

You should ask to also meet with a principal (assistant or otherwise is fine) and have a conversation with the teacher. I am guessing that the kids that are picking on her have been wise enough to do it without adult witnesses so you need to be sure they are all aware of this BEFORE it escalates any further. Most schools now have a ZERO tolerance policy for bullying.

By making the teacher aware of the problem, the teachers may be more willing to let her go after others are in class to avoid a problem although I believe that a teacher should never refuse a bathroom break. Additionally, the accidents have probably intensified the "picking".

Hi S.. My adivce may seem extreme but is it possible for her to go to another school? I went to a horrible middle school. I was also afraid to go to the bathroom, walk down the halls etc. I ever peed myself but developed so many UTIs it was ridiculous. I was an A/B student before middle school and my grades dropped so far I was barely passing. I still have bad memories about middle school. I was never beaten up but still it was horrible. If that is not possible tell the counselor that you want all her teachers to be required to let her go during classtime. I think it is so sad that our kids are forced to deal with things like this. I am a teacher and I see it all the time and sadly unless some sort of physical altercation occurs they don't do much about it. I hope your daughter's school isn't that way but most are. I hope this helps some. Good Luck.

Call the teacher TODAY! Stop that bullying in its tracks now.
Your daughter is too precious to let this go on any further. Also, make sure you spend some quality time with your time-which I'm sure is a little difficult with other children. However, call the teacher today and tell her that you are coming to have a conference with her/him and the principal now. Bullying is not cool, and there is something going on with the girls' that are doing the bullying. Another note, get your daughter involved in maybe Girl Scouts to help her with some new friends, ones that will encourage her to get through this.

Hi S.,
My son who is now 8 and in second grade was being touched on his private areas in his Elementary School by one boy in particular and then it started among a group of boys. This happened to him since kindergarten and the teachers, principal, and even the counselor were not taking it seriously. The boys who had done this to my son were never talked to and their parents were never called. There was even a meeting at the superintendent's office with the main boy's parents present(after I called them) who were in total denial and were more worried about their reputation than what was happening to my son. The school also was more concerned about their reputation and protecting themselves from a law suit. We received no apology and no action was taken to benefit my son. Finally, after a little boy tried to kiss my son in the cafeteria and the assistant teacher knew about it and didn't report it even after everyone was supposed to be aware and taking care of the matter I refused to send my son back to this school after the Christmas break. I realized the situation was not going to change in time for my son and could go on indefinitely. He now attends another city school outside our district and they want us to move into that district but I am refusing to move and may hire an attorney to fight this. My son has been traumatized by all of this and it has been very stressful on our family and the school has taken no accountability. Most parents who knew about it seemed afraid to speak up and stand beside me and acted as if it was not their concern because it had not happened to their child. I felt very alone regarding this situation and still do. Even when I told my story on Mamasource only one person responded. I'm telling you my story so that maybe you can draw something from it. My advice is for you to insist on having your daughter change schools if you don't see immediate changes and school officials should not stipulate you have to move to the new district. They have an obligation to provide a safe environment within the district you live in. This could scar your daughter and obviously already has and by the time the school makes the necessary changes your daughter has suffered even more. That is why I say you need to see immediate changes. At this point the only thing I know I can do to hold the school accountable is to file a complaint with the Department of Education. Because the children were so young in my son's situation, I did not file charges against them. You always have that option since these middle schoolers are older. If through your experience you find out any other avenues to hold the school accountable other than a lawsuit which could take years would you please let me know? Hopefully once you let all the school officials know what is going on, you will have a more positive experience than we did. You are doing the right thing being an advocate for your daughter and believe me when I say I can relate to what you are going through.
M. B

Well, my daughter is only a year old, but I was once a child who was picked on. And its not something that is avoidable unfortunatly, but you should find out WHY these girls are picking on her, it may be something simple that can be worked out that most teenage girls won't.

Also your best option is to listen to your daughter, support her however you can, and tell her it's okay to be upset by these girls, but she needs to quietly bring it up to a teacher so that the school can start to help her out also. It isn't easy as we all know, but as long as your daughter knows you are there for her and that you are helping her with this, I think things will be ok in the end.

It is good that you have an appointment with the counselor, but you need to inform all of her teachers (and the principal) NOW. They can't help if they don't know.

You can try to deal with bullies at school, but if the parents won't deal with their own children, I guarantee there is little the teacher can do. If it is bad, pull her out. It totally isn't worth it.

I homeschool. Best thing I have ever done.

Hi S.,

I have just attended a workshop on Executive Dysfunction.
Executive Functioning is an umbrella term covering related yet distinct skills. It refers to mental control/self-regulatory processes and is responsible for work efficiency and regulation of impulses and behavior.

In other words, A collection of brain processes that are responsible for guiding, directing, and managing cognitive, emotional, and behavioural functions, particularly during active, novel problem solving.

The seminar gave examples how children could be affected with EF weaknesses especially with their peers.

Kids may have trouble managing peer conflict and negotiating social situations. Adults may have to continue to provide more guidance for social interactions and be available to help manage conflict or problems.

Izzy Kalman has information on the web about helping children turn bullies into buddies. If there is peer mediation in her school. That would help her to learn how to deal with bullies. Good luck. D.

Please ask you daughter to tell her teachers why she is not using the restroom during breaks. The teachers will understand and not only allow her to go to the restroom during class, but also deal with the bullies in the restroom!

Hi S.!
I sympathize with you. My son (now almost 20) had the same problems. First thing is if your daughter needs to use the nurses office. There's a restroom there & it's a controlled environment. If she has to fib tell the nurse the tummy is upset. When you get the phone call from the nurse, that she is concerned about the tummy problems tell her the truth in confidence (it worked for my son). Also, I hate to put it this way but teach her to not give a S**t about the other kids that are mean. My son used to ride the bus with a head set on, in school of course that isn't ok. But he just pulled this kiss my butt attitude from somewhere finally & he didn't have the problems. But now he still has that I don't care what you think of me attitude (not in a disrespectful way) but it's still there. I think in the long run though this attitude is better than the woe-is-me attitude because then kids become depressed, etc.
I hope I helped a little. Just make sure you're there for her & reinforce the fact that she's a wonderful person no matter what those punks say.
Oh, my son ended up testing in the 98 percentile for the pre-SAT tests, let alone the SAT's. So there is hope.

Good luck!!