Bullying Little Sister

T.,

My first thought was that he is jealous of her and that this is a type of sibling rivalry. He had such a short time of just him and Mom and Dad before this new addition came along and took "his parents" away.

I don't know what to tell you other than that. My friend and her sister are 18 months apart and still fight like cats and dogs. I have two brothers in law that are 11 months apart and they fought all the time as kids. Now that they're grown it's not so bad. I was an only child so have no personal experience with sibling dynamics.

God luck,
M.

1 mom found this helpful

My sweet little boy is the youngest of 3. His sister is 15 months older and big brother is exactly 3 years older. My husband was working 70+ hrs. a week and wasn't home to play with the kids much. As soon as Nathan(the youngest) was able to crawl, he would bowl over his big brother, he would even sit on him once he could walk because big brother was too nice hurt him. Nathan would intentionally provoke his brother into pushing him or some other physical reaction. Sounds a little like bullying, doesn't it?
It turns out that Nathan is a very physical kid and he simply wanted to be wrestled. He needed rough and tumble play and he was going to pester someone until he got it. When I saw this happening, I would stop whatever I was doing and rough house with him for a good 15-20 minutes. He wanted to be thrown to the floor and tickled. His favorite game was to run at me as fast as he could (I was on the floor) and have me grab him and "throw" him to the ground. After this play session, he left his brother alone. Occassionally he picked on his sister, but she didn't push him back, she just cried, which only got him into trouble.
Little boys can be very physical, they need to wrestle. Next time he is "mean" to sister, tell him firmly that he needs to be nice to his sister and tell her that he is sorry. After he appoligizes, wrestle with him! You may experience a changed little boy.
About 6 months ago, Nathan was pestering me continously (poking me in the arm for no reason). This went on for at least a month. I kept getting mad at him and telling him to stop it and go away. And then I remembered his need to rough house and the next time he poked me, I chased him around the house, I managed to get him onto the floor, and tickled him mercilesly. The dynamics of our relationship changed immediatly. No longer was he a pest, he was a son who wanted to play. Nathan just turned 16! He still needs to wrestle someone.
Make sure you are spending floor time with your son everyday.
If you just hate to wrestle, ask dad to wrestle with him in the morning and evenings. Remind him that daddy will play with him and he is not to push or otherwise harm his sister. It should help tremendously.
B.

1 mom found this helpful

while it feels practically futile along the way your values will eventaully sink in if you treat him with respect and just plain do a do-over for him - -to socially model the alternative you want to see. for example if he grabs, you repeat his intention or express the need or feeling he had - "I would like a turn now" or say to him what you think he might feel, "Sometimes we feel jealous/ impatient/ etc. Let's try this - [then DO what he could do next time]. At 33 months I think this is just the territory. LOTS of reassuring of love and setting limits and expecations and social modeling. remember that they don't have enough impulse control to follow through with your expectations yet. Make sure you have breaks to refresh - you are on a marathon here as 3s are hard exactly in the way you are describing now. I'd also suggest that while it sounds like "bullying" that label isn't going to remind you to think of him as a mere 33 month old innocent person who has a whole lot to learn about the civilized word of 6 year olds. Keep in mind that if you had ONE child 33 months would be your BABY. He's too young to be a "bully" but he sure is going to be exhausting for a while - -shore up on the sweetie things he does! You might sneak in reinforcing all the good brother things he does do, no matter how small. He'll get the gist if you keep it up and take delight in his small acts!

Could be that it isn't discipline that he needs. Maybe he needs to have alone time with Mom or Dad once a week or something instead?

Don't project negative emotions on him. He is male and they have different dynamics than females. Mothers have to be compassionate with the energy that the male children deal with.

He is not responding to discipline because he does not understand what he is doing wrong. So don't make him wrong help him understand and redirect:

Help him to use his natural dominance energy in a positive way ie: help him get the idea that he is hurting, say ouch and teach him to be constructive, teach him to help sister don't hurt her. Sister is your sister, your job to help sister, what can you teach sister, how can we make sister laugh, stop your other business and be with the kids. Don't let the other stuff make you distracted. This is critical moment in his life and punishment will have a lasting negative effect on the whole family.

Also males do not develop the ability to use words the way women do and moms often create the problem by using more words than a boy can understand. They really do better with simple yes - no and hurting or nice. Getting mad at him and talking a lot could be more confusing to him, and causes you to hurt your heart.

He is clearly wanting to have time and attention in which he is held and cared for...we are animals after all and for a long time only he was the apple of your eye. It causes you both pain to buy into him being wrong because he wants to be with you and be a male.

Slow down and work with him, teach him - don't punish him. Be patience with yourself too, and be vilegant that the feeling you are having about him as a man are the same ones he will grow up with about himself.

You are right this has to be solved - AND - he doesn't see why-- he is too young to see that this is philosophically and spiritually wrong. So - make your response 100& predictable and ( sigh) do it every single time. You know him best - a time out on his bed for two minutes while you cuddle and comfort little sister? -- an instant pick him up and put him over the baby gate to another room? - whatever you decide you need to watch like a hawk for 2 days- and then gradually lessen your vigilence- but every single time he is rough- it happens - 100& -- Sorry, lamb- but that's what works.

Also watch to be sure that you are giving him tons of positives - that sounds odd- but often roughness comes from sadness - is he lonely for play time he used to have with you? If you step up his '''gravy''' he may not hand out so many ''lumps''

Blessings,
J.

I don't know if your kids are like mine. My kids love on each other like crazy and then war breaks out. But, I find that the best way to discipline them is to tell them they aren't allowed to play near each other. They have to have separate areas of the living room or only one can play in the bedroom. They set up such a mutiny over it, but play nicely for quite a while.

Just stay consistent! It will sink in eventually after you have totally lost your sanity *winks*. My two are like this so it is normal - they don't call it sibling rivalry for no reason.

We have a routine that everyone gets to listen too (also be sure to watch your daughter - I noticed that the moment I turned my back my daughter would anatagonize my son into hitting her and then scream so all I would see when I turned around was screaming sister). But we do timeout until they are ready to say sorry. It's amazing how stubborn they can be, but when they do say sorry it's usually sunk in that it was wrong.

I hope things will get better!

C.

I doubt that this is bullying. At 33 months he is just learning how to relate to other children. I don't think disciplinary actions will help. If he is given consequences he will not understand why because he doesn't understand how to treat his younger sister. Consciously bullying requires more thought process than a 33 month old is capable of having.

I suggest that you help him learn how to treat his little sister. If she cries separate them showing compassion for his little sister. Then tell him that pushing her over is not appropriate. He hurts her. Be gentle and calm with both of them.

All the actions you describe are normal for babies this age. Your son is still learning how to share. Take the toy away from him and give it back to his sister telling him that he can play with it later. Then get him interested in something else. Diversion is a good tool at this age.

At 33 months he isn't aware that he's making a choice to not listen. At that age kids usually don't listen if they're frustrated or having other strong feelings. Talk with him later when both of you are calm.

At 5 and 8 my grandchildren still tackle each other, push each other down, and take toys away from each other. The 8 yo is obviously jealous of the 5 yo and understandably so. He is a special needs child and does get more attention.

The good part of this is that they have, for several years, turned the pushing and tackling into a game. They frequently wrestle and have such fun doing it.

So I recommend separating the babies, give sympathy to the youngest and tell the oldest that this hurts his sister. Later I would talk with the oldest about appropriate ways of treating his sister. He will eventually learn. Some understanding will not happen until he's more mature.

I would also spend more time with the oldest when the youngest isn't present. Understandably older children do tend to feel jealous of the younger child. This is normal. Try to give him one on one attention. Reassure him that he is as loved as his baby sister. I would also arrange space so that they are not always together in the same space.

They both need their own space part of the time. Depending on your floor plan you could have one play in the bedroom and the other in another bedroom or the living room but only if you can know what is happening in both spaces. You can also separate them in the same room by providing a "screen" between them. For example have the sofa or another large piece of furniture divide the room.
If the living room and dining room are connected put one in each room.

We cannot expect two babies that age to always get along. Are you sure he's being mean? Perhaps he's trying to play with her. Perhaps he's frustrated and doesn't know how to handle it. He needs help learning how to treat his sister as well as time away from her and with you. It will help if you can calmly separate them so that what is happening is not a big deal or an attention getting device for either child.

You said your husband works all the time so perhaps this suggestion won't work. I'd arrange times when your husband is with one child and you with the other. It's also important for you to have time for yourself without the babies.

I think that he is jealous and resents her.