I was in a good friend's wedding just this past weekend and was a little dissapointed with her gifts she gave to us bridesmaids. Before anyone thinks I'm sounding ungrateful let me give some details.
The total we had to spend on the dress plus hair/make-up (which she required, didn't say it was optional) was around $350 which is a lot IMO especially in this economy. We all had to chip in also for a limo for the bachelorette party and of course bought gifts for bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. Anyhow we received a silver chain necklace with what looks like a cubic zirconia stone (don't think its sterling silver because it doesn't say anywhere, I'm guessing wasn't very expensive) to wear in the wedding, and a black cotton tank top that said bridesmaid on the front which we were to wear to get ready in. I have to add here that no expense was spared basically for the wedding, both sides of parents helped out a lot and are not hurting for money, and she did get just a little bridezilla-ish at times.
This part is mostly a vent but I just got to say that the $120 I spent on hair and make-up was probably the biggest rip-off of the year for me. I think this service is mostly for women who aren't sure how to do make-up but I expressed from the beginning that I wanted to do my own, but that was blown off basically. Ok and not to toot my own horn, but i'm good at it and wasn't confident a make-up artist was gonna do anything impressive. Lo and behold I was right. Thank God i brought my make-up bag because I had to do some major touching up.
The hair stylist only had time to straighten my hair (could have done it at home for free) because 2 other girls weren't happy with their hair and had her fix them twice. Anyway my question is, is this an appropriate gift for how much we spent? Is there any sort of rule about gift-to-spending ratio? If not there should be. Is it just me or did the gifts seem to revolve around the bride/wedding and therefore seemed kind of self-absorbed. I don't wanna sound harsh i just don't know how else to put it. Please tell me if you were a bridesmaid how much you spent and what your gift was. Not trying to be materialistic but i was just surprised how everything else was top-notch but our gifts.
Don't get me wrong I was very happy to be part of her big day and will never confront her about it, I'm just looking for opinions. And when I agreed to be a bridesmaid I didn't know how expensive it was gonna get, just surprised that's all. And please no bashing or rude talk, just opinions or in similar situations what did the bride give you as a gift? Thanks!
Thank you for all your answers. I will just keep quiet about it and keep silently kicking myself for not speaking up about doing my own make-up and hair. But how could I have known right? Lol I have only been a bridesmaid 1 other time where i only had to buy the dress and honestly didn't know how expensive this time was going to get! Oh well lesson learned. Never again am I gonna shell out that much cash.
I know how you feel. I was in a wedding a long while ago and the price tag to be in it was huge. Lets just say that was the last one. You and the bride must be close so don't hold any hard feelings. I would just chock it up to experience. She may have had a budget that only worked with what you got. Some bridesmaids get nothing. Now you know better to say yes to a bride.
My updo hairstyling was paid for by the bride, and was presentated as my gift. I'm not ungrateful. It was expensive, and I was glad not to have to pay for it. BUT really, in my opinion, it's a not really a "gift" when it's just dressing you up for the wedding. Now if I were really into my hair, and this was a big deal to ME, OK. But I'm way more simple, would have done my own hair. Actually, DH and I eloped because we are not into the big fancy wedding thing at all, so my opinion may be a bit biased because it's just not my thing. I know it's not tradition, but I think the bride and groom should pay for everything, dress, make up, shoes, hair, jewelry, everything that they choose and require the wedding party to wear. I've always thought it was weird that bridesmaids are just expected to foot the bill for all of this.
blegh. this right here in a nutshell is why i'm allergic to big weddings. i think you are handling it very well by venting here and not taking it to the bride, who would certainly be hurt. but yeah, i agree you got shafted.
i was honored to be the matron of honor in my best friend's wedding a few years ago. we're older, so it was a more stately affair than some, but it was still nail-bitingly expensive (all the extras that is, my lovely friend actually bought the gown for me), and of course the gown that was touted as 'something you can wear after the wedding!' hangs untouched in the closet. it has 'bridesmaid dress' screaming from it, a lovely one but there you go.
roll your eyes, vent, and next time you get asked, have a pressing engagement out of state.
;) khairete
S.
The ones I have been in, I paid for my dress and any/all alterations to it, plus shoes to match (some chosen specifically by the bride, some were "anything strappy and black"). Any hair/makeup that was done (by a professional), was arranged and paid for by the bride.
One wedding, I was given a collectible plaque specific to my birth month (the bride was BIG into Precious Moments at the time), along with the earrings to be worn in the wedding. Another I was given a nice earring/pendant set to be worn in the wedding. My son was ringbearer, and he was given a silver engraved yo-yo, which was pretty cool. The others, were so long ago that I honestly can't remember What was given as bridesmaids gifts.
I don't really think anything was that out of line in the scenario you described, except that the bride should have picked up the tab for the hair/makeup, or let you opt to do your own. I think that the (often costume) jewelry worn in the wedding is a common "gift". It keeps you from having to accessorize that dress you just bought! lol
At least that's my opinion.
When my best friend got married and I was her matron of honor and my son was her ring bearer, we were given Silver bangle bracelets from Tiffany's and a set of Swarovski crystal necklace/earrings as well. BUT she is a very successful businesswoman and got married at 41 for the first time :-)
Oh--she also (of course) picked up the tab at the salon for our hair and make-up.
I would say that between my dress, shoes, and son's tux, we maybe spent $750 max.
The thing is--when you agree to be in a friend's wedding--you basically just do what she wants and say nothing--that's the Bridesmaid Code!
I have been a bridesmaid and the bride. I bought my bridesmaids their jewelry as a gift for the wedding. As a bridesmaid, I've spent plenty of $$ ... same as you, never occurred to me whether the gift I got in return was appropriate or not. My soon to be sister in law cancelled her wedding at the last minute. She had invited me to be in the wedding when she realized another gal wasn't going to be able to afford the $280.00 dress. 2 weeks after she asked me, she cancelled her wedding. I had already purchased the dress. Did I ever mention anything to her or my brother in law. Never in a million years. Not even to this day.
On another note, you mentioned the 'parents' paid for this lavish wedding. I'm assuming the bride and groom were on a fixed budget and invested in the best gift possible, for their budget.
You sound like a real trooper, having to meet all the demands of this wedding all the while keeping in mind, the feelings of the bride came first. If another event takes place and you are invited to participate, perhaps you can avoid some of the pitfalls and discuss your concerns (anniversary trip to vegas, surprise birthday party for her new husband, etc.).
I was just in a wedding in June, huge wedding, I was the Matron of Honor, My daughter was a bridesmaid, and my husband was a groomsmen... talk about expensive. I had to pay for two people's hair to be done (my daughter is 15), two dresses, a tux, the limo for the bachelorette party, pretty much the entire shower as there was only one other bridesmaid and she lives in florida. On top of everything else, My gift to her was a spa day, which turned into me paying for my daughter to go with us, so three for that... it just went on and on...
I didn't mind doing the stuff, because she was so appreciative. The day of the wedding, she thanked me all day for everything, gave me a sterling silver jewelry box in the shape of my first initial, and inside a little flyers pendant (I am a die hard flyers fan, so is she) and she also gave my daughter and I jewelry for the wedding which was beautiful. She also paid for our hotel room the night of the wedding.
All in all, I know I spent a great deal of money, but I love her and I would have expected her to spend some dough if I were getting married!!!
Honestly, at the point that you saw how expensive it was going to get or getting that would have been the time to graciously bow out or taken her to the side and explained that $120 for hair and make-up was not in your budget. Now you are left with a sour feeling about the whole thing. I'm not sure even a "good" gift would have changed that, kwim? No, there is no gift-to-spending ratio. You agreed to be party of her wedding party and all that comes with that. And that usually means $$.
It actually sounds like she may have not been really thinking about the whole gift thing period since what you guys got really wasn't a gift for you but accessories for the wedding. Pretty inconsiderate on her part. Even a token that had some thought would have been nice. We paid for almost all of our wedding so that meant things were very tight but I still took the time to get something for my bridesmaids that I knew they would like and could use.
i have never been a bridesmaid before, but in my gift giving experience, the gifts should be at least a little personalized. it doesnt sounds like the bride did that. im sorry!
youre lucky to be a bridesmaid though! all my friends who have gotten married either didnt invite me at all, didnt ask me to be bridesmaid, or got hitched in vegas at the last minute.
even my bff for 15 yrs had someone else be her maid of honor and didnt even ask me to be bridesmaid. that was this august so its still fresh...
You're right. The bride didn't do enough for her attendants. If she required you to do hair and makeup, she should have paid for it. If she's not requiring it, you're on your own. If she required an expensive dress, she should have given an expensive present. I think the gift should be @ 50% of the cost of your dress. Try to get over it and keep the friendship, and remember that the length of their fall from the pedestal after the wedding probably equates to how selfish they were in their choices.
I didn't give gifts to my bridal party - but I did minimize their costs greatly. I paid for the tuxes, the dresses, hair/makeup, wedding party activities the day before (golf for the boys and manicure/pedicures for the girls). I just thought it was ridiculous that anyone should have to pay hundreds of dollars to be in a wedding.
I've been in weddings that definitely broke the bank too. Between bridal parties, gifts, dresses, alterations, etc I've had to pay over 500 to be in a wedding. (an honor I will be declining in the future if approached). I don't even remember what the bridal gifts were for those instances.
I've never been in a wedding (just my own) and my gifts were inexpensive since we were all in college, but I found lovely dresses for about $100 and we had a very low-key wedding and reception. However, my husband was in a wedding that was three days worth of wedding activities, a rather expensive tux (to us, again in college, which by the way did NOT fit him, and the father of the groom declined to let the guys get reimbursed--none of the groomsmen's were right), and I believe we sent a gift as well. It is a lot worse when you are all broke and in college, because you want to do more, but can't. His gift still makes me laugh--his friend had mouse pads made with pictures of him with each groomsman. It was hilarious because we would never use it, and it was very goofy. It is still kicking around our house somewhere.
I really can't imagine spending that much on a wedding simply because we would never have that much to spend. I do think brides should be conscious of cost for their wedding parties. Again, though, we had a very inexpensive wedding, no showers or parties, just friends and family. It would never have occurred to me to expect more than that, but some people (and family) have high expectations for weddings.
I've been in so many weddings of every different variety, I think I've lost count! All I remember is that none of the dresses could truly ever be "worn again" ;-) I've spent as much as $800 as a member of the wedding party (a big portion of that for a HIDEOUS dress) and as little as a few hundred. You'll just have to chalk this up as a lesson learned for next time and go on. Gifts to the wedding party are NEVER going to equal what you spent as a member of that wedding party. In their defense, the bride, groom and their families have spent a lot on throwing the wedding, and her gown is almost always quite a bit more than the bridesmaid gowns. They're not going to also go out and buy each wedding party member a gift equaling $200-$600 or whatever.I've received some fairly nice jewelry in the past and as little as a framed picture of the wedding party (for that $800 wedding). I've always figured if I agreed to be in a wedding, then I knew it was going to be expensive, and that's just the way it is. In YOUR defense, forcing bridesmaids to get their hair and makeup done is NOT okay! Especially in this economy, that's a chunk of change people need to understand not everyone has.
When I got married, I had a large, fancy wedding. This was great on all accounts, but I REALLY tried to take into account what my bridal party would wind up spending. I had them ALL go with me to the bridal shop to try on dresses and figure out what was okay with them, too expensive, etc. I had varying sizes of women and varying incomes I was dealing with, and I also gave them the option of us choosing a fabric and everyone having a style made that they liked, but in the end they all found one that suited everybody. For the rest of the festivities and everything, I constantly reminded them that nothing was required, and that I just wanted them around me -not necessarily spending a wad of cash. I offered hair and makeup services, which some did do, but I did not require it or get emphatic about it. I was in a wedding several years ago where someone DID imply that I HAD to pay to have my makeup done, and I straight out said, "No, I just bought new makeup, and I'll do it myself." I did -at the hair and makeup place -and even their makeup artist complimented me on my makeup! You can always nicely stand your ground and refuse hair and makeup.
Just take this as a lesson, but don't feel bad about YOUR feelings. I really wish more brides (especially in a bad economy) would take their wedding parties' incomes and feelings into account. I always felt like I really wanted these people to remain my friends after the wedding!
I think you sum it up nicely...being a bridesmaid pretty much sucks, especially if you have a friend who's not very thoughful.
You have every right to feel the way you feel, but at the same time, it it part of the bad deal you sometimes have to make to preserve a friendship. Just deal with it and accept it as a story to tell your grandkids one day.
In the future, think about saying yes to being a bridesmaid. Unless it's an awesome friend who you love like a sister (and most of us have only a few of these), it is perfectly alright to say no.
I just got married on September 25th and I didnt get my bridesmaids any specific gift. My matron of honor bought her dress-she insisted (she picked the one she wanted) which was $100. I bought my SIL's dress (she also picked the one she wanted) which was also $100, I bought their shoes, picked up the tab on their hair and also bought the flowergirl dresses for my SIL's 2 daughters and my daughter. We paid for all the tuxes as well. Although I didnt get them "gifts" they didnt have to pay for anything to be in MY wedding. I actually find it selfish to make your bridesmaids pay to be in your wedding. But I also find it selfish for a bridesmaid to "expect" a gift from the bride, IMO.
I had a normal backyard (my own) wedding with catered food. i bought my dress 2 months before my wedding. i paid more for my 3 bridesmaids dresses, had their hair and nails done, and each got white gold necklace and pendant. i had all my bridesmaids spend the days at my house instead of hotel, so they didn't have to pay for anything, just show up.
i think everyone was happy they didn't have to shell out anything.
i'd be pissed if i had to spend money like you did. it's not ok esp. in this economy IMO
I don't think so, if you thought the money was to much you should have told the bride. You agreeing to be in the wedding told her and the groom that you could afford the expenses of being in their wedding. You didn't need to be nasty I'm just assuming since they know you well enough to ask you to be a part of the big day that you could talk to them. JMHO
My wedding was not nearly as expensive as what you are describing and I got my bridesmaids each a necklace and earrings.
This past summer, my SIL got married. My girls were flower girls in her wedding. Between the dresses, shoes (which I spent HOURS and HOURS looking for and purchasing), the travel to the wedding, the wedding gift itself, the hotel and the car rental (she got married in another state, although where she and her hubs actually live is a drivable distance for us), we easily spent over $1200. The flower girl stuff alone was about $400. Anyway, my girls got velvet headbands as gifts from their auntie. They weren't even allowed to keep the baskets they had to use to distribute the petals. And yeah, call me materialistic, but I AM complaining. These are her only nieces, she is a beloved auntie, I really expected something a bit more personal that they could cherish in memory of that beautiful day. I bet those headbands will not even last out the year...
I have been a bridesmaid several times and never got a gift for participating.
I would not have enjoyed the gift you got either. Have a jeweler check it out for you before to much longer. It may surprise you.
Just put it down to experience and move on is my suggestion. It is likely that the bride is unaware of the expense of the hair and make-up and or thinks it is a "small" price ot pay for being a bridesmaid... She may also think it was a privilige to be her bridesmaid.
I had a similar family situation and when i did confront the people involved they were totally shocked that i had "read" their actions so negatively. BUT they did not apologise or make good my hurt.
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Just put it down to experience and move on is my suggestion. It is likely that the bride is unaware of the expense of the hair and make-up and or thinks it is a "small" price ot pay for being a bridesmaid... She may also think it was a privilige to be her bridesmaid.
I had a similar family situation and when i did confront the people involved they were totally shocked that i had "read" their actions so negatively. BUT they did not apologise or make good my hurt.
