Breaking Habits with Infants

Been there, done that! I nursed mine to sleep until he was about 7 months old, then it was Daddy or I walking around with him in an Ergo until he fell asleep and we'd sneak him down. He'd awaken once around 3-4 for a night feeding, which I'd bring him into our bed for, then we'd both fall back to sleep there. I didn't mind the later part, but as he got heavier the walking routine became tedious! We too would never leave our child to cry alone, but around 9-10 months we did what some of the other responses have recommended, and helped him develop a new routine. Instead of walking him, at 9:00 after other bedtime rituals, we just laid him down and my husband and I sat on either side of his pack 'n play and sang, rubbed and patted him. The first night he cried for 15 minutes and then we picked him up and held him for 5, the laid him back down again. (yes, we actually used a watch and timed it). He'd stop crying when we picked him up, and relax until we laid him down again. It took three rotations of this, with him finally falling asleep during the fourth lay-down. By the third night of this method he was out by the third lay-down, by the end of the week it was during the second, and by the end of two weeks there was no crying at all. From then on my husband has brought him to bed, sat with him for a few minutes, and is then able to walk out while he's still awake, and he goes off on his own. We've had no problems with night wakings or anything like that since! It was hard, and we did use ear plugs (he's loud!) but our philosophy was that as parents we're going to have to tell him 'no' for years to come, we'd better be able to withstand the tantrums. We achieved our goal of making sure he didn't feel abandoned or that his cries were being ignored while he learned a new way to function, and it worked really well. We wouldn't have done this any earlier, but at 9 months he seemed old enough to 'understand' that we were there with him, just not doing exactly what he wanted us to do at the moment (a useful lesson!) Best wishes!

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I find it very upsetting to see how many of you young mothers are wanting to stop nursing and wean small babies at one year and younger.
TWO is the weaning year. Nursing is not just the food aspect..it is where infants draw their security, feel safe, nurtured, cared for. It is the one place in a huge world that is totally safe and warm for them.
There is NOTHING wrong with nursing your baby to sleep. It is the natural thing to do.
Relax and enjoy your baby, holding his softeness close, caressing his skin, smelling his special baby smell, transmitting your love to your child.
I had seven children and nursed all of them til they stopped on their own. Some stopped at fifteen months, most around two, one would run in for a suck or two when he was three. That phase did not last long tho.
I think they are overwhelmed by the world around them and find their source at their mothers breast.
Perhaps the early weaning is because so many mothers work and think they need to wean early.
But hon, for twenty thousand years two has been the accepted weaning year....even bibically speaking.
Dont worry about it. Enjoy this time with your precious baby.
It goes by SO fast you wouldnt believe how fast.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

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Have you tried moving the nursing to earlier in his routine? If he can fall asleep for naps without nursing, I wouldn't worry as much. Also, it took my son a long time to develop a lovey. He was well over a year. I just kept having the blankets there at nap and nighttime and then it happened. It has helped a lot with transitioning him to sleep.

You do not have to let your baby cry it out for him to learn to soothe himself. I was against doing that as well, and found something that worked for me. My son was younger at the time, but I got him sleepy and calm and then put him in bed with some music and I put a chair next to his bed. I would talk to him and rub his head. If he got really sad, I would pick him up and hold him and calm him down again. When he was calm, I would put him back in awake. I would leave the room for no longer than 5 minutes and let him try and settle himself and if he didn't, I would come and sit by him and do the same thing again. It only took him about 45 minutes the first night and after a night or two, he was going in on his own. I also used the same technique when I transitioned him to a toddler bed and it worked for that as well.
What I did worked for me and did not make me feel like I was abandoning my baby in his bed. Forget about the books and everything and do what works for you to get him in bed awake and putting himself to sleep. It will be fine, and there are alot worse things we can do to our babies than nursing them to sleep! Good luck!

Isn't this just one of the absolutely BEST things in the world? I loved nursing my two daughters to sleep during infancy. It was just so calming and relaxing; and a beautiful way to close the day. This is one of the things I miss about infancy-- but the crying and waking every few hours during the night... not so much. Anyway, what I did was to nurse them into a very groggy state. Don't let him completely knock out--put him to bed when still somewhat awake so that he gets the idea that he needs to put himself to sleep. This worked like a charm with both of our daughters. No screaming or crying. However, every baby is different. I would continue your usual bedtime routine, just alter the feeding to sleeping part.

Good luck and continue to enjoy this peaceful time with your sweet baby boy.

I understand what you're going through. I nursed both of my babies. I would recommend the techniques in the Baby Whisperer book. You can search online - I think she has a website with tips too, not just the book. We used them with our first child at around 4 months. She has you do a rhythmic shhhh-gentle pat on back and picking up for short times. She also recommends a cycle of eat - activity - sleep, so you may want to try putting nursing earlier in your bedtime routine. We did bath, pjs, nurse, books (same ones each night), bed.

Here's more detail: if the baby cries, pick him up just long enough to calm him (ie. don't do 5 minutes because the timer says so, just do whatever it takes to calm your baby...could be 5 second). Then put him right back down, but stay there and say shhhh and possibly gently pat his back. If he cries again, pick him up again...then put him down again. (I think the first night we had to do that up/down about 15 times) If he lays mostly calm in bed, keep shhh and pat. Then stop the pat and just shhhh. Then stop shhh and just stand there a second. You did it. Then leave. If it starts up again soon...and it might...just do it again. He will go to sleep on his own after a few nights. Like Ferber (from what I hear...didn't use it)...it'll take longer the first night, then less and less. Good luck.

My daughter is 8 months and I do the same thing!, so you are not alone. I have started singing a lullaby to her as I nurse her so she will associate the singing with the soothing of nursing and this is working very well. (I nurse in a rocking chair as well.) Now I can lay her in a nursing position and sing to her without nursing and she will fall asleep. I know that I should be teaching her to fall asleep in her crib by herself, but this is a good compromise between nursing her to sleep and letting her fuss in her crib. She will also fall back to sleep in her crib without us having to soothe her.

Hey K.,
I had the same worry with Maia, who is now 2 1/5. And truly, there is no reason you have to wean at 1. The World Health Organization recommends nursing at least 2 years, and Maia and I still nurse- both during the day and at bedtime. But on the flip side, when I'm working at night, she goes to sleep with just a couple of books and snuggles with daddy. So as you are looking at changing your routine, you could certainly keep the rest of it and drop the nursing little by little if you feel you need to wean (I know some nights I think it would be great to be done, but most of the time I'm sill ok with continuing until she feels finished and weans herself...which she will when she's ready!).
The issue I have with the CIO method, which I know you're against as well...just my thoughts to add...is that with all the emotional availability you've given your child, this becomes a big betrayal and can cause a shutdown. "If there's nothing else wrong with the baby..." implies that he no longer has emotional needs to be met and ignores that a baby's crying is his only way of letting you know he needs something, and forgets that a child's wants and needs are the same thing at this age. It may work, but at what cost emotionally to the child? You have no way of knowing until later, because he can't tell you. "It hurts us more than the child..." is untrue. You can read "The Fussy Baby Book" or "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears on Shutdown Syndrome for more information.
Blessings!
H.

You are doing great!! You could just keep on doing what you're doing and know you are doing a wonderful thing for your baby. Other than the issue of maybe it's bad for his teeth, I wouldn't worry at all about your routine right now. I was in the same boat for over a year, then at around 13 months or so we began to switch from nursing to sleep to doing wash up, get in pjs, nurse, books, brush teeth, get into bed "sleepy but not asleep" - which is only a theory that sometimes works. Often it's rock in arms to sleep. But you get the idea: just try to add one thing in between nursing and going to sleep. It's a start at any rate. My daughter just weaned at 23 months. She still needs/wants/loves lots of coddling and cuddling to get to sleep, but hey, I have no issues at all letting her be held and snuggled! Well, yes, it often takes all my patience, but still it's 100% positive. Yes she cries often, but hugging always fixes it. (I don't do CIO for more than one minute! Even if I have to go in 15 times!) At your son's age, you still have a long way to go before he's "independently" going to sleep, so I'd say just enjoy all of what this stage brings. Exhausting but wonderful.

Hi-
I went through a very similiar experiance with my daughter. I couldn't stand to have her cry in her room by herself. But something had to be done as it wasn't fair to her not to teach her to sleep by herself. It took two very long nights ( others it can take a bit longer maybe even a week)but we would put her to bed awake a and just rub her back or just talk to her. She knew I was there, but she eventually feel alseep. She would wake up again and the process would start again. Not going to say it was easy, but after two days, she was actaully sleeping through the night.
Good luck and just do what feel right for you.

This is completely normal for most breastfed babies, but if you do want him to learn how to fall asleep without breastfeeding then you'll want to feed him and then rock him to sleep (if you don't want him to cry). Or you can try putting him in his crib and rubbing his back until he falls asleep. I weaned at 10 and half months and would feed my son formula at 8:30 and put him to bed at 9:00 (this was his bedtime). Then I would rub his back when he would start to cry. It took a couple of days. Eventually he got used to the routine and would go down much easier. My husband would bring him to his crib and he would just go to bed. I don't know how I got so lucky. We also stopped feeding him in the middle of the night and eventually he would sleep 12 hours straight. Sometimes I would hear him in the middle of the night, but gave him a chance to settle down. It is normal for babies to cry a little even in their sleep. They have to learn how to soothe themselves and that it is okay for them to go to sleep. Good luck.

My views are a little bit different than some of the previous posts but I completely know what you are going through (and the worry that they will never fall asleep on their own). My second little one had to nurse to sleep for naps, bedtime and several times during the night. I tend to lean towards attachment parenting and also do not like cry it out. A lot of other moms that I know said that she would completely wean and fall asleep on her own when she was ready...without a single tear ever shed. I would go back and forth as to whether or not I should believe this, but I did know that nursing had been such an incredibly wonderful experience for both of us and I did not want it to end in tears. This may not be what you want to hear but she nursed until 28 months (although the last 2 months were basically once each day for 5 seconds...LOL). She completely weaned herself day and night and never cried once. By the end I was really ready for her to wean but I felt really good about letting her do it on her own. Keep in mind, your little one is only 8 1/2 months old. He is a little baby and, personally, I would not be concerned about him learning to put himself to sleep by himself yet. Babies (and toddlers) still need that comfort sometimes and you cannot compare what your little one needs to others (whose children may have put themselves to sleep earlier). My first was sleeping through the night and putting herself to sleep by 8 weeks. This is not because of anything that I did differently but because, just like adults, children all have different needs. For whatever reason, my second just needed more comfort to sleep. By following my girl's leads, I feel we have created healthy attitudes about bedtime. In 4 1/2 years (that is now old my oldest is), we have not yet had tears from either child when I say it is bedtime. Now we all snuggle together for a little bit and then they fall asleep. It is easy and peaceful. As a parent, my thoughts are that your child will tell you what their needs are. They have their whole lives to learn to be independent. But babies need tons of cuddles, touch, nursing, etc. They do not need to be independent.

Sorry...I rambled on!!! Just my thoughts on the topic. I guess I feel passionate about this topic...LOL!!! I just feel that we do not need to push babies and toddlers to be independent. They are completely dependent on us at this age...and should be.

I feel your pain! I am a mother of three. I have a four year old boy, a two year old daughter, and a 5 month old son. I have tried very hard with all of them to get them to fall asleep on their own, unfortunately nothing seemed to work but letting them cry themselves to sleep. It is heart breaking to hear them cry and not pick them up. Initially I felt aweful, but if there is nothing else wrong with the baby it is okay to let them cry. I have tried rescently with my youngest and as hard as it was it really worked! Give it a try. It will work.

Hi K.,
If it's still working for you and you enjoy the nursing- don't worry about it! Continue your routine as is.
My daughters both fell asleep this way until they had completely weaned.
That bedtime feeding was the last one to go. At this point I just turned the bedtime routine over to daddy. They were each about 12-14 months. I would do the bathing and then read a story downstairs on the couch with my husband there too. Then my husband would take her upstairs to bed. He'd rock her and rub her back till she was sleepy.
I found that by giving over the routine to Daddy- it made it easier on my daughters. There was no association with nursing with Daddy- so they were able to develop their own routines. After nursing was completely over and done with- about a month or so- I was able to join in the bedtime routine and put her down sometimes. I just waited till all expectations of breast feeding were gone.
I do have to say that the quiet time to myself each night was very nice!
-S.

well the only thing i can sugest is maybe switching up the lullabies and nurse first then let dad do lullabies if available. i've tried alot of didferent method and although the cry it out mehtod is tough letting you child get to be 2 ish and not have a well established beditme routine that doesn't involve you helping them fall asleep. i usually wait until i can't stand to hear it any more then wait 2 minutes and that is when they fall asleep mother of 13 11 8 and 18 mths K. d

hi - my son is now 2 1/2 and i did the exact same things with him, great routine for bedtime (which we still use now) and then i would nurse him to sleep -
does your husband/partner participate in the bedtime routine?

our weaning of this feeding happened almost on its own - we got in the habit of my husband doing the book part solo and the calling me upstairs to nurse him - one night he never called for me - just read his books, lay in bed together and talked low and soothing and then laid him down in his crib, continued soothing him with words - and crept out of the room. and he went to sleep....

so somehow it worked on its own, a small amount of crying was okay with us and later in the process it definitely happened that some nights he was not 100% thrilled BUT i think all kids fight bedtime at certain times for different reasons; and i needed (still need) to be firm that bedtime is bedtime.

good luck!!

K.,

Honestly I don't think you have a problem at all. However, weaning at a year might be difficult if your son is still nursing to fall asleep. I just read the 'No cry sleep solution' and they give some good tips on how to break the nurse to sleep cycle. Everything from key words to a music box. You can try that. I'm working with my daughter now to get her to fall asleep for her naps without having to be sound asleep in my arms. It will take some time but like you I just don't like hearing the crying or feeling like they are so upset.
My doctor also said if something doesn't work one week don't give up on it, it might work next week.

L. M

Hi K.. I am not a big fan of CIO either. You will have to put up with some crying if you want to change habits, but that does not mean your LO has to cry alone.

You can certainly nurse him, then rock him til he is ALMOST asleep, then put him down. Stay with him til he does fall asleep. Rub his head, belly, back, talk to him in a soothing voice. He might cry a little or a lot, but stick with it for several nights. He'll catch on, and then you will be able to put him down awake.

With older infants it might take a week or more, so be prepared to dedicate the time. It is hard to listen to your baby cry, so also be prepared for that, but remember, he is not alone, and you are not making your baby cry, he is just learning a new skill.

I would recommend you start now, and not wait until he is one year. It will only be harder as he gets older and the habit gets more and more entrenched.

Also, it is VERY easy to just give in and go back to your old ways. So if you start teaching him a new skill, STICK with it. If you try it, and go back to your old ways you will only confuse him.

GOOD luck to you!

Hi K.: I know you have received a lot of responses and I'm glad to see that the majority respected that you breastfeed and don't want to do the CIO, and glad that folks encouraged you to continue breastfeeding if you wanted to. My daughter just turned 10 months old. She has always nursed to sleep; then recently I have been nursing her, standing up and swaying for 1-5 minutes (unless she's riled up and needs more) and then putting her in her crib and holding my hands still on her back or rubbing her back and humming a lullaby (the same one every night). I never imagined I would be able to do this. I used to nurse her and hold her until she was totally out, but started utilizing techniques from Pantley's book. I think it's hard, because I agree with the other moms who say that these babes are dependent and it is totally normal and natural to nurse to sleep and be a source of comfort. I also know that sleep deprivation is so intense that sometimes it is seductive to just want to put the baby down and have her fall asleep without any assistance. I so empathize with where you are in all of this... I would encourage you to follow your instincts and if you decide to try something, give it a chance, but also allow yourself to change the plan if it isn't working. The books are a help and a hindrance because I think they make us doubt our instincts and what our specific/individual babe needs. Anyway, you may be surprised that with enough repetition your little guy may eventually allow himself to fall asleep without nursing. I know I am being repetitious, but I never thought my daughter would go for it and she does. Some nights she does pass out nursing and other nights she is awake when I put her in her crib. I stay with her until she is asleep which is usually a matter of a few minutes. If she gets upset I pick her up and sway again and then try again. There have been some times when she has been riled up and not going to sleep no matter what I do and I have left the room for a few minutes, she has cried hard, and then I go back in and pick her up and she then gets serious about going to sleep. I don't say this to encourage you to do it, because it's not a great habit to get into, but we all have moments where we are spent and the baby needs to go to asleep so I've resorted to that (not happily) on rare occasions. But she did not cry herself to sleep, I have always gone in and soothed her to sleep. Enough said. Be well and cherish this time with your son.
C.

I feel into this as well. I switched to the bottle, even though most would disagree. When my daughter switched to the sippy cup she just began falling asleep on her own. That extra few months with the bottle allowed everyone to sleep peacefully.

K. - don't beat yourself up for this. You're an awesome mom and have done what is most natural. I remember w/ my first feeling like I had failed teaching my daughter how to sleep on her own , or self soothe , but the fact is this time is short and once it's over - it's over. I nursed my daughter to sleep for ever it seemed. She would also go down for dad(swaying and such), but usually wanted me to nurse her at bedtime and wouldn't tolerate less. We eventually followed little baby steps and would lay with her and rub her back and sing to break the nursing cycle.(I should mention that this was not always gentle. there were tears, but I was with her and she was NOT crying it out.) Eventually, she didn't need the boob. From there - it was baby steps to get her in her crib (rubbing and singing), then physically being away from the crib, but in the room, then at the door, outside the door, until finally - ahhhh... "Time for bed. Good night." Easy bedtime. Routine. Normalcy.
In retrospect it wasn't that hard and we probably dragged it out longer then we needed to, b/c frankly, it took up our nights. The final push of being put to bed in her crib and then weaning our presence out of the room took about a month.

Now I have a nearly 6 month old and I'm exactly where I swear I wouldn't be again and just starting the process of independent sleep our selves. It's not so bad. It's what moms and dads do. And I miss my 3.5y.o. being my baby and don't have any regrets for the way we all found sleep together.
Good luck with it all.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Let me know if you find a great answer!
8-)
M.

I had the same with my first child and I reversed the order to do nursing and then read a story. It was a little rough at first and there was some crying. I did the wait 5 min, then ten then 20 and then I would go in every 20 min to reassure him I was still there but wouldn't pick him up. only had to do it a couple of times. I think it was more traumatic on me then him. He woke up happy and smiling the next day. Now at 2 1/2 he is a wonderful sleeper and puts himself to sleep at home and when we travel.

Good luck!

You are going to have to let him cry it out! Sorry but that is the only thing that will work as far as getting him to get to sleep on his own. It worked wonders for my son who is now 23 months old and sleeps awesome but was a poor sleeper as an infant. Also I would say change the bed time routine around first nurse, then bath, the read books then put in bed! Good luck.

I am still nursing my daughter at 15 months, is there a reason you plan to wean him at a year? If you are not having issues doing what you are doing, I'd stick with it.

I was in a similar situation with my son. He wouldn't sleep through the night until he was 9 months old. I also tried Pantley's method, along with several others that didn't work. My son also didn't have any self soothing methods-other than my breast! I didn't want to let him cry it out either, although I did get desperate and tried it a couple times-which I would say didn't seem to help much or hurt much. What finally worked for us miraculously is my husband went to him instead of me when he woke up, and in two short days he stopped waking up! I think my son knew the milk source so when that wasn't there anymore he decided it wasn't worth waking up. It may help if you have someone else feed him a bottle and then put him to bed if your okay with that? It was easier to wean him off breastfeeding as well since he was already used to the bottle. Ohh, I don't know if you are comfortable with this, but we just put the bottle in bed with him.....thats a whole other can of worms we'll have to tackle soon as he is now 13 months. At least his doc says the night bottle is okay for awhile.

I am with you 100% on refusing to do the cry-it-out methos. I have a 3 year old and 1 year old twins and I had to break them of this association as well. Unfortunatley, tears come with it. But I found if I stayed with them and sang and rubbed their backs or bellies, at least I wasn't leaving them alone to figure it out. They cried, but it got easier and easier each night with fewer and fewer tears. It took about 3-5 days, depending on the kid, and then they were ok just lying down. I still have to stay with one of the twins until she falls asleep, but she lies down on her own and I just stand there - my presence is enough. The thing I believe is that they cry because they are tired and they only know how to fall asleep by nursing and we have to help them learn a new way and until they figure it out they might cry some. And soothing a crying baby feels ok to me, whereas walking away from a crying baby feels bad. Hope this helps. Hang in there!