Break up with Your Childs Father

Updated on November 16, 2011
C.B. asks from Owings Mills, MD
12 answers

i love my daughters father but we have a big falling out every month. as soon as things get great they get worse. so we decided to break up. so now im adjusting to being a single mother.

now we can't agree on daycare or anything like that so im wondering if i should take him to child support since the only way he can hurt me is through making it harder for me to take care of her because he know i am in school full time and only work part time.

and i cant afford everything i could while we was together. but i do know eventually he might come around and do more for me and he is just upset because we not togeter but i am goin to be struggling and thank God i bought her Christmas stuff while we were together, and he took the car he bought me. i am just like so over whelmed

so when should you take them to child support? or should i wait for him to have some time to his self?

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So What Happened?

things became really physical with him and i decided to never go back.
i filed a protective order against him and filed for custody of our daughter.
i got em temporary. im filing for child support as soon as i get a ride. and since he wont help me keep up the rent at our old apartment im goin to move back with my mother.
i just need prayer. im just happy my mother and sister are so very supportive and everybody is willing to help me and my daughter.

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answers from Columbia on

You NEED to and MOST file for child support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eventually he will have to pay, and then he will have to pay back child support so he might as well pay now. And you need the help. DO IT! Sorry to be so pushy but it is for HIS child so he can put on his big girl panties and deal with it.

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answers from New York on

Yeah, I agree with Christine and Jen that you should file for child support right away. I also agree with Christine that when you are overwhelmed, sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, and kind of let the pieces fall down into place before moving ahead. I wouldn't wait long though.

I can really relate to your issue. I feel like separation is in the near future for my husband and I , and sometimes I wonder how he is going to be in terms of support and caring for our son, etc. But the thing is, it is their responsibility as much as it is ours. We tend to take on so much if not ALL of the responsibility, but that isn't right. This may sound corny but I once saw an episode of Judge Judy where the young woman had never sued for child support from her estranged BF, but now was suing him for payment of a loan or something. Judge Judy was hard on her, asking why she never demanded child support from the father? The young woman said something like, up until recently she didn't need the help, and he didn't have any money anyway much of the time. Judge freaked out on her saying that even if she didn't need it right at that moment, it was money for her children and for their future that they were entitled to, whether she thought so or not. For some reason, that always stayed with me.

Like you, I worry that I will piss off my soon to be ex if and when I take him to court over child support, or threaten to. My concern is that if I do not take a hard stance, he may be more willing to give me money on his own accord, or help me out more with child care, etc. But if I make him angry he may make things difficult. Just because a man is court-ordered to pay, it doesn't always pan out that way. The problem is that he, and so many men, do not see it as their responsibility, no matter how unfair it is to us women. And believe me I would be very fair with him.

The other week we were talking about such matters, like what would happen if we separated, and I asked him how much money he thought would be fair to give us for support. I could tell he didn't want to give anything. But the amount he said was about half of what I had in mind, and my # would basically cover our food. My # was also quite alot less than I came up with after looking at an online estimated child support calculator (I found it on the state website.) He makes way more than I do and my rent would be so much more than his... so wrong! When we talked more, his reasoning was that he "had to start saving for his future." Mind you, he is much younger than I am and I have zilch in retirement, let alone college fund for our son. He also added that I have my family here to support me but he is not from this country, so therefore, he figures that's fair.

Well, needless to say, his attitude made me angry and now I'm definitely planning on solidifying a custody and child support agreement when we separate officially. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Grand Forks on

honey, fililng for child support isn't hurting him & isn't benefiting you (not the primary purpose anyway)'s for your daughter. my dad had to BEAT that over my head before i finally filed for child support. it's to benefit your child. it's not being mean, vindictive, sneaky, blah, blah, blah. he may say that b/c what kinda guy takes a car he gave you back when you're caring for his child? argh! i'm sending LOTS of single mama prayers your way. please heed my advice. i've been a single mom since summer '09 & it's still a struggle, but getting better. if you decide not to go back to him, allow yourself some real time to get over the loss of your fam (you, him, kid) and to get back on your feet. i was so hard on myself about not having it all together right away, but it's okay. only single mamas can understand the single mama world, and it's different (as is w/any other demographic, so to speak). anyway, go get child support for your dtr. thanks for listening to my rant, sorry. good luck sweetie - prayers & hugs

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

You NEED to and MOST file for child support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eventually he will have to pay, and then he will have to pay back child support so he might as well pay now. And you need the help. DO IT! Sorry to be so pushy but it is for HIS child so he can put on his big girl panties and deal with it.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

Do it NOW. My best friend has not formally filed for child support for 5 years, hcause she doesn't want to "hurt him" or "ruin his credit" if he doesn't pay. But then she complains because he has only paid her less than $1000 in 5 years, and doesn't buy him school supplies, clothes, etc. Don't think about his feelings and just do it! Think about the things your daughter needs, and that it should be 50/50...



answers from Houston on

I don't have much to offer - but the car situation caught my attention.

I've watched enough court tv during the summers I was in school (=D) to know that he can't just arbitrarily take back something he bought for/gave to you. At the point he gives it to you, it becomes YOURS. His taking it is stealing from you. A judge can determine if it was a gift, if he was simply letting you borrow it, or if there was a loan involved.

Where I live I couldn't function without a vehicle. If that's not the case for you, you may want to let it go. However, you might want to try to get him into small claims court to get your car back!

Also, you said that you have a big falling out every month. I normally wouldn't suggest this, except it's what the issue was in my marriage... the "monthly falling out" didn't have anything to do with your cycle did it? I mean, it wasn't at the same point in your cycle each month, right? I would just hate for you to have to deal with all of this if it's easily solved with an antidepressant or something...

If that's not the case, I do apologize - I most certainly was NOT trying to trivialize your situation. It's just what jumped out at me from my experiences.



answers from Boston on

Start the process tomorrow. It takes months to get things established and it is his obligation to support his child financially.



answers from Chicago on

Hi Cassidy,

It's not just child support. The most important thing is that you need to file a custody agreement that will spell out who has custody and when the other has parenting time.

Most of them time right after you break up, co-parenting is hard and it's harder to work together. You might be able to work better after a while, but without a document in place that specifies who gets what time when as well as child support, you are each risking your daughter's well-being. You don't say how old she is - that will determine lots of things. There are probably examples online for your state that you can look up. If you don't have money then you might be able to go to a legal clinic or go through the state.

Good Luck.


answers from Milwaukee on

If this is "a monthly thing" you should have had already done this.

Get it done NOW!


answers from Norfolk on

Hi, Cassidy:
If there is a mediation center in your area,
call them and talk about what you need
to have accomplished with a mediation

Just a thought.



answers from Oklahoma City on

You need to get custody so he can't just pick her up and take her so you never see her again. Even if he is not on the birth certificate you have called him her father and he is known as that. He can say he'll submit to DNA testing but can still take her and keep her for years and not get caught. The child support will be part of that order if your attorney asks for it.



answers from San Diego on

Today, yesterday, asap.



answers from Atlanta on

Take a Deep Breath and let it out slowly - again - again.
Keep doing this until you can calm down and think straight. You need help, who can and is willing to help you? You need child support - apply now. He's either in or out, if he's out you have to do what you have to do.

I'm saying a prayer for you and your little one