Boys' Behavior

I laugh as I read that, not at your situation, but at the many times I have been there. I have 2 boys; 12 and 10. My husband doesn't travel for work, but he only had a sister and does not understand the fighting. My dad had 4 brothers all close in age. I have called him countless times begging for an explanation as to why boys do this. His response is usually to laugh and tell a story about him and his brothers doing worse things- things that can only be done on a farm....

He did grow up without a dad most of the time (military during the war). This is what he said helped (he was the oldest by the way). They were divied out the "man" jobs around the house. So it was not the authority figure responsibilites they felt they needed to take over. One would be in charge of making sure doors were locked, another taking out the trash, another washing the cars, keeping the tools in the garage in order, mowing the lawn, you get my drift?

Hope that helps. I think they want to feel thay are helping you when dad is gone. So I think if you tell them that the area you need help in are ones like i mentioned above, they will fill their need to be of assistance.

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Welcome to raising boys....it's a guy thing. With hubby being gone it's a territorial thing...plus they "know" what they can get by with around you....! I set some rules as to who will be responsibile for doing certain chores then let them both know what the punishment will be for not following through. Do they get to talk to their every nite when he's gone? That might be a good time for them to "report" in on the daily happenings....good luck ...you're in my prayers.

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Our boys are 7 and 1 so hopefully we won't run into the situation you have when they get to be older. I do have a suggestion though and you may have tried it already, but hopefully with your kind of discipline if you haven't they will become accustomed to it quickly. I think that ultimely your the boss, but if you give them specific things to be in charge of when there dad is away they may be able to focus more on their duty instead of bothering each other trying to prove their maness. Let me know if it works, I may need to use it sometime:) God bless you and yours ciao

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What kind of work at home stuff do you do? I"m wanting to find something that I can do at home.

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Hello,
Well I am an old mom who raised two and they did the same thing. They both are 23 and 20 now, but when they wanted to take over as dad, I would give them the tic toc tic toc machine called the oven timer..lol Right next to them, I would make them ask to go to the bathroom, ask to say someting to each other, ask to do everything.. Longest 20 minutes of their lives..lol
But to day they are both buddies in the US Army and respect each other. Oh sure they still razz each other, but we laugh about it now, when the chips fall, they stand strong together.
Just remember, this to shall pass..

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Yes it is typical of boys to fight. The Bible says we have a sinful nature. It does not say we should accept it. Whether you, your husband or your pastor explain it to your children, they need to understantd Biblical authority. God, dad, mom, and then children. There is no passing that by. I would study out their actions Biblicly and explain the consequences (biblicaly) This isn't just mom talking, this is God's word.
I have 5 children, 7-12 and my husband just returned home recently from a tour. Consistancy and his support from afar also helped, but explaining biblical principles and LOTS of daily prayer helped us come out better after the year was up. God Bless, Acts 2:38 mom

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Sounds like typical boys to me. You might discuss this with your husband and see if he will talk to the boys. I've learned that sometimes boys will listen to their fathers better than to their mothers.

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It is wonderful to know you have raised your boys in church. That dosen't mean they will be perfect. You always hear boys will be boys. They could be rebelling because your husband is gone and you may be showing stress about that also. Maybe you could work together as a team when dad is away. Give them chors to keep them busy during this time. Maybe they could help with a meal, laundry or cleaning their rooms. Good luck.

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I understand your situation very well. We have 6 kids ages 11, 11, 9, 6, 3, and 1. My husband travels 90% of the time. I'll let you know what we've done (although we're not perfect!)

Has your husband had a chat with them to let them know his (and your) expectations while he's gone? They may need a reminder from HIM that you're still the boss when he's gone and that if it's a problem, he'll deal with it when he gets home. Some Bible study about the servant leader might also be very appropriate for their age.

Do each of the boys have specific daily household activities (ie. chores) that give them specific responsibilities toward "being the man" while Dad's gone? A great website to check out is www.activeallowance.com . They have charts you can print (free) and include both duties and behaviors, like "Be kind, no fighting, bossing". They seem to help our kids stay focused on our expectations.

Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes they need reassurance that everything's OK with Mom and Dad. Not necessarily beig told, but if you talk with your husband on speaker phone (unless something needs to be private) they have a chance to pick up that everything's fine just by hearing your conversation and tones of voice. Another great option is video phone via internet. We haven't gotten that one worked out yet, but really want to!

One last suggestion...if your husband is gone for long periods of time, look into getting an older male buddy from church for them to hang out with. A responsible older teen or another man just to throw a football or grab a burger might fill their need for male bonding. Boys learn how to be a good male leader from watching other men, and they're getting to an age where being more "manly" becomes more and more important. At the same time, they still need to recognize your authority over them.

Good luck!

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V.,
Have you tried a tag team approach? If your husband is away a lot, it's rather sweet the 11 year old wants to step up and the be the man while not crossing the boundaries with you. But maybe you could talk to them and suggest they are co-men of the house and let them know that along with this job comes some responsiblities like working together, chores, etc. Perhaps one day the 9 year old could be captain and the next day the 11 year old. Since they are close in age, it may be hard for the younger to "take orders" from his older brother so maybe this approach will foster more "brotherly" love. Let me know how this works out. I know it will work out soon.

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My Daddy's advice to me was the best ever and is proven over and over again every day. I have 3 children (a son and two daughters - that order). My daddy's advise was be persistent and consistent with your rules. The moment you give in, you're sunk. This is, unfortunately, just one of many things in which a child is going to try you. First and foremost, when your husband is home, both you and he should discuss the situation and come up with a mutual resolution. Then, sit down with your children separately and then as a family to resolve this. Rules, rules, rules.

Of course, having a sit-down discussion with your older son outside of a heated situation is always good. Communication should be kept open with your children (how many times have we heard that?). It does work, though. Mine tell me things I would have NEVER told my parents, but I'm glad they do.

Good luck.

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I have 2 grandsons who do the same thing.
It is very frustrating for their mom.

When they are with us in the summers, I tell them I won't listen to their squabbles.
If one wants to fight the other should leave the room and do something else. One child can't fight with himself.
I won't listen to "tattle tales" either.Both will be disciplined.
remember discipline involves teaching. I will have them help me outside, do their own laundry, clean their room, incl. vaccume & dust and so on.
Give it a try. It will benifit you too.

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I would say he is incharge only if he acts mature enough.Meaning he isn't starting fights, picking on his brother ect.... If he isn't doing those things,the younger one needs to get introuble for starting fights.The 9 yr. old should be explained to that the 11 yr. old is older.He is there to protect him and help care for him.But, don't let the older be bossy.Acting in the place of a father is a big role.It should mean do more to help out.With chores,makiing sure prayer is said ect... Not just telling his brother what to do.Younger siblings should be taught to respect older siblings in my opinion.If he isn't mature enough ,he simply needs to be told he can fill that role when he proves he can act appropriatly.If you don't get it worked out you won't ever be able to leave the two alone.It is a heart issue.I think the feelings that come from it need to be delt with.Whether it's jealousy,pride ect... You said you are a christian (sorry your husband is)so pray and ask God to give you the right words.If they are fighting they are not honoring their Mother.Show them Biblically where they are disobeying you .They are disobying God.I read a really good book called Sheparding A Child's Heart.It talks about getting to the feelings that cause the action and helping them understand and deal with why they acted that way.Sorry I lost spell check.
Blessings,
M.

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Hang in there V., some days it might seem like you'll make.But if you trust in God things will work for you and yours.I also have two sons they're 33 and 32 now.I raised them nearly only my husband works shift work and was gone alot.But I'm proud to say now that the oldest one is a police officer the younger one is a secrutiy guard.I also have a 8 year old grandson now.When people tell us that we did a good job raising our sons he'll say have to say my wife did it she raised them.
Take care it'll work out.
J.

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Hello V.
You work from home. what do you do?
I also work from home
maybe we can share som tips and advice to one another
since we both go through the same daily tasks
____@____.com
bizonly4lis.com

My suggestion would be to give each of the boys age approriate responsibilities. Explain to them that when daddy is gone that each one is in charge of those specific details. As the boys get older adjust the responsibilies. This way as they grow it will teach them responsibility and how it will help them as they grow into nice young men.