46 answers

Boyfriend Won't Get Close to My Son

I am a single mother of an eight year old boy. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and he has not developed any connection with my son. He loves me and treats both of us well, but will not let the relationship progress beyond the "dating" stage. As in he is unwilling to work towards being a family though he says he wants to be with me forever. At first I thought over time a relationship would naturally develop between them, my boyfriend did too, but I realize now that no bond will ever be formed because my boyfriend won't let my son get close. When I brought it up to him, he freaked out and said he is not a family man, doesn't feel comfortable getting close to him. He wants to be able to connect with him, but doesn't know how. I have given him many options of how to develop a relationship with him but it comes down to the fact that he is too uncomfortable try any suggestions. I have decided and told him, that if he cannot strive towards becoming a family with my son and I, we will have to break up.
I'm just wondering, is there anyone out there who managed to help their partner become a "family man"? Or, is it something that men just naturally want or don't want? Should I give up and move on? Does therapy help? I just keep thinking if he loved and wanted me enough, that would be enough to want to be close to my son and become a family with us.
DETAILS: My boyfriend and I are 30. He says he has always been distant to children. He has always been aware I have a son, but I did not let him meet my son until our relationship was stable (6 months)because my son gets attached quickly...except in this case, my boyfriend is so distant (but still nice) that he is just a person who is sometimes around to my son. I have always been up front that I am looking for a serious partner to join my son and I as a family. I am asking for my boyfriend to become a family with us ONLY in emotional needs, I support myself and my sons needs financially.
Any help would be appreciated : )
Thanks!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I have two sons, I had a boyfriend after my divorce for three years. He had no children of his own, but a grown stepson from his previous marriage. He was not a "kid person". He knew it and was honest about it. He always told me he felt bad for his stepson because he knew he wasn't the greatest stepdad to him. I think he tried, but like someone said his childhood really prevented this to happen. He tried with my kids. He was always nice to them, watched one one time for me when my kid was sick. Made school project for the other. But was not able to bond with them. He was a great guy, the "nice" guy we all look for. But kids come first, we weren't going to go forward and move on, so I ended up breaking up with him.

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He's got to want to be a family man. You can't make him. He's being honest with you and you need to accept it. Thank him for not lying to you, and keep looking for Mr Right.

3 moms found this helpful

Yes, try counseling, but don't expect major changes. He was up front with you and you were up front with him. The counseling will probably help you come to terms with who the two of you are. Honesty is a specially is a special gift the two of you can give to each other.

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Mom. seriously, if I were you I would run and take my son with as fast as I can out of this relationship; there are so many red flags. THis may sound harsh, but you have wasted 2 yrs w/this guy and have not done your children any favors hanging out with a non-family man who has no interest in them, nice to youn(not your child) or not. Pls tell me you are not living with or supporting this guy. Where is the boys bio father? You need to realize your top priority must be your children, not your love life. The boy needs a positive male role model in his life, like a dad (even if you are divorced, or a grandfather). Your boy will soon be entering his teen years which are very crucial, put your love life on the back burner for a few yrs. You owe it to your children, they need to come 1st.

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Sorry to say this, but I think you need to find a man more willing to enjoy your package deal. Your BF shouldn't have to be asked or taught to develop a relationship with your son.

5 moms found this helpful

I think you need to cut your losses. If he hasn't warmed up to your son by now, he never will. Any man you date needs to understand that you are a package deal. Think how much it will hurt your son in the long run to be treated like a non-entity in his own home. Plus, your boyfriend is not a good role model for him. Would you want him to grow up the same way? During my single Mom dating days, I found that men who also had children were more warm and accepting towards my daughter. I ended up married to one.

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I am sorry. It seems that you are doing everything right, but he's just not the right man. It stinks to find someone who is so great to you, but not bonding with your son. The right man for both of you IS out there. Don't stay with this guy at the expense of Mr. Right passing you up because you are already spoken for.

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If your boyfriend flat out says " I'm not a family man " .. AND it's been 2 years. (well a year and a half he's known your son), I'm sorry, but that is bad. I would listen to what he's saying and .... believe him. So sorry, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear. I'm 31 and a single mom. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship with a man who I think deep down I knew he wasn't a family man either. Looking back, I wish it would have ended sooner to be honest with you. Us single mommies might not need for a man to be "daddy" to our child... but in my opinion we do need a man that is wililng to be part of a family and find his role in our existing "mini" family.

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I think you need to let him go. he's not a family man. after two years of dating he should have gotten close to your son. it's not fair to your son to give him the feeling of rejection which he most likely has by now. you can talk to your boyfriend again and explain to him that you and your son come as a package and that he either gets close to both of none of you. but remember, the day your son was born is the day your self became second priority. you'll find someone who will embrace both you and your son. those who don't are not worth wasting time on.

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He's got to want to be a family man. You can't make him. He's being honest with you and you need to accept it. Thank him for not lying to you, and keep looking for Mr Right.

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I think that at much as you love this man, you cannot pretend you didn't hear his words. I think he was being as honest with you as he could. He does not see himself as a family man.
As much as you love him, you have a child. You and your son are a family.
You need someone who looks forward to being a part of it and wants to accentuate things as a man in your life and your son's life.
I would be afraid of getting any closer if there is a chance he will bolt and take off.
It's just my opinion, but if he couldn't help falling in love with your son, you would know it.
He seems to be showing some reticence.
He may love you, but not be ready to be a daddy.
There's nothing wrong with that honesty. But, you have the right to find someone who just "fits" and loves you and your son as a package deal and wants you both.
I wouldn't have sex with this guy. Not to be mean, but what if you got pregnant? He's already said he's not a family man.
If that's what you are looking for, I would look somewhere else.
But that's just me.
"I like you and I'll have sex with you but I'm not a family man and don't want to be a father to your kid..."
That would be a deal breaker for me. At least as far as any long term plans.

That's just my opinion and I mean no offense.

Best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful

I have two sons, I had a boyfriend after my divorce for three years. He had no children of his own, but a grown stepson from his previous marriage. He was not a "kid person". He knew it and was honest about it. He always told me he felt bad for his stepson because he knew he wasn't the greatest stepdad to him. I think he tried, but like someone said his childhood really prevented this to happen. He tried with my kids. He was always nice to them, watched one one time for me when my kid was sick. Made school project for the other. But was not able to bond with them. He was a great guy, the "nice" guy we all look for. But kids come first, we weren't going to go forward and move on, so I ended up breaking up with him.

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I think you have gotten this answer below, and I know its a hard choice - love can be such an amazing thing. If a man couldnt love my child after 2 years or bond with her in a way that was 'close enough' for me, I would have to leave the relationship. I am glad that you have already made that decision too. Hang in there, dating is rough - you will find someone that can love you and your son in the ways that you want them to.

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I am sad for you because this must be so hard. At the same time, it is simple, but it will take a LOT of courage on your part. Be strong, I think you already know what the right thing to do is, but my guess is that you are scared to end something - that is understandable. It is hard to leave and be alone, but you have to take very seriously the (negative) lessons your son will learn from witnessing this relationship - 1) feeling that he is less important to you than your partner, 2) feeling like he is not worthy of being loved by your partner, who should be like a father figure, 3) is a bad example for couples for your son. If things don't change (and it doesn't sound like they will) resentment will build over time BELIEVE me, and the picture will get less and less happy over time, for both your son and you. As a product of a divorce, and then a remarriage, the BEST thing you can do for you AND your son is find someone that loves you both, gives 100% to the relationships, and is a good example for a married life (he will learn how to be a great dad and husband from whoever you are with). Best of luck to you, you are smart to realize this now before it has gone on too long. Keep your smarts and strength and do the right thing for you and your family. Hang in there, you will be so thankful down the road when you find the RIGHT person for you both.

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He's not the right man - marriage wise. he may be a nice person and a good friend, but you and your son are a package deal. There will always be 3 people in any relationship you have, and you're going to have to date with that in mind. You need to say goodbye to the dream of him. You are very smart and strong to come to the point where you know you have to make a choice, and you know in your heart what that choice is. You WILL be ok - spend this time on you and your son. Best of luck!

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When I started dating my husband I had a son, before we married my husband was and still is not the over zealous or communicative type.
But because he loved me he cared about every part and what was
important to me. My son became attached because my husband made himself available to him, 11yrs later my son is grown and still is very
close to his stepfatherfather eventhou his father is in his life. The
part that I would take careful notice to is your boyfriends own words
...he is not a family man... and doesn't feel comfortable getting close
to him. I would not ask him about it anymore, I would move forward
because I would not know if he is only reacting to what I want. And
not what's in his heart. I hope the best for you and your son!

2 moms found this helpful

Find the right person. He doesn't want to be a family with you and your son. There is a song by Brad Paisley, about a man who became "the Dad he didn't have to be". That is the type of man that you are looking for. Your son deserves a man that includes him.

Good Luck, I've been there.

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Quoting you:
When I brought it up to him, he freaked out and said he is not a family man,

>>>>>>Had I known that about my current husband, I would never have married him. Unfortunately, I am married to an emotionally deprived, selfish person. Do yourself a favor, accept your reality for the sake of your son. It's only been 2 years, FOCUS ON YOUR SON'S NEEDS, AND NOT SOME MAN WHO'S CLEARLY SENDING MIXED MESSAGES.

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If your son is not happy, will you be happy?

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I agree. A person (your BF) cannot be made into someone that he is not. It may work for awhile , but not in the long run.

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Hi L.: If your relationship is solid but not with your son after 2yrs. its time to move on. Your son sense's this and as he gets' older himself may act just as you boyfriend does. He will imitate his values' and that wouldn't be fair to your son. You don't want him to grow up and find someone with a child and never get close to him/her. You need someone to teach him love, understanding and caring. Its quite obvious that this guy isn't going to do this. Its' quite possible that this is the way he grew up himself but hes' not willing to change as much as youve' asked him to. At 30 he himself should know better. Your son feels this with him. I met a man after a separation with my first husband. My children were 3 and 5. He took my children in as his own and never looked back. We also have a son together. My daughter who is his step daughter loves him to no end. The world evolves around him. There are times' even I feel a little jealous with no need to. She has 3 children and he is an amazing grandfather as well. He would go out on a limb for all of them. He treats our own son no different then his step children, no favortism. I would say to move on, and I really hate to say this to you. Things are never going to change. Yes you will be hurt, but think of how hurt your son will be and how he himself may turn out. You want him to be a loving husband to someone in the far off future. You will find Mister Right when you meet the next friend, tell him right off the bat that you have a son, when you know it may turn into a relationship. Let him know that you have no desire to continue a relationship with him if he isn't able to accept you and your son, its a package deal, or no deal. My heart goes out to you, but more for your son. Move on before your son picks up on your b/f way of thinking. Your son needs someone who is better than him in to many ways.
I wish you luck and happiness and it will come. The hurt will go away and take your time finding Mr.Right. He will come along, just be patient.

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I am sorry but he is not the one. You cannot force him to be a family man with counseling. If he wanted to be a family man with you he would have already. He is being honest with you, he is not comfortable around children.
If I were you I would not date him to much longer. I bet you can find a man that wants a relationship that is loving and meaningful to you both. I know this must hurt you. But its time for you to think about yourself and son. Stop worrying about a man that is not interested.

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I would break up with your boyfriend. You son depends on you this will affect the way he feels about himself. One of the main adult in his life doesn't care enough to have a better relationship with him.
You son should come before your boyfriend. Move out and just focus on your son. When you do start to look for another boyfriend..let for awhile focus on your son. I would write down positive qualties of a person that your looking for..1. treats son good. 2. good to you. 3. kind.4. a positive person 5. look for someone that wants that you want..to get married possibly have morfe kids.

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Look for classes such as our Technical Collage has, parenting classes for dads and children together. My friends boyfriend attended with her son and you could never tell he is not her sons dad.

Your boyfriend may not want to in the beginning but he will benefit from seeing "other " dads interact with their kids. Those classes are not for troubled families by the way. Worth checking into.

Good luck,
H

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I think you really already know your answer. We women usually do, we just need to take polls to find either a majority, or else someone who will tell us what we 'want' to hear.
I am in my second marriage. I dated men during my six years of being a single mom and none of them tried to get close to my son, except my current husband. He went out of his way to woo my son too, because he knew we were a package. I did not need to question or wonder if he was the right man for me and stepfather for my son. I was also a stepmom to his son and it is not an easy job that is why you really need someone special that wants to give it their all, because being a steparent means giving your all and more, if you want a healthy harmonious family. There will be ups and downs, but everyone needs to be fully invested, or no one will be invested.

Your son can feel there is no bond either and that is not a situation you want your child raised in - to feel unwanted by someone his mom loves. It just adds more rejection to the mix. You know what you need to do. You say it in your letter, move on - when you do, you will find the right person.

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If he WANTS to but just doesn't know how, and is afraid to try.. that can be worked on. If he says he wants to, but really has no interest in fatherhood, then it's time to move on. Have you ever discussed having children together? How was his attitude about that?

Was he an only child? The baby of his family? Maybe he just has NO experience with kids and is scared witless about how to talk to them. I was that way until I had my own! If that is the case.. have an 'emergency' occasion that you must go shopping for that is going to take A-L-L-L-L-L DAY. (big sigh)... Tell him you REALLy need him to take care of your son so you can go do this. Your son is old enough to tell him what kind of food he likes and doesn't, doesn't need help in the bathroom or diapers changed... they'll both survive. Give them a pair of tickets to a local minor league baseball game as a way to help get through the day... they'll figure out the rest. Nobody goes to watch the game... everybody goes for the fun... the popcorn, the peanuts, the hotdogs, the 7th inning stretch, the yelling at the opposing team, the games the kids get to play in between innings, singing the national anthem.... It's great fun. Our kids LOVE it.. especially our daughter. And they loved it from day one, and knew absolutely nothing about baseball. It will give them a chance to talk (or not) with no pressure.. there's always the distraction of the game. And BF can explain to your son some of the things going on that he doesn't know (unless your son is a great ball player already and knows all about the bull pen, etc, lol). They can share popcorn, and throw peanut shells on the ground. They can chew bubblegum and see who can blow the biggest bubble.... Afterwards, they can pick up pizza and bring it home for dinner, in anticipation of what you found while out shopping....

Boys/men "bond" differently than us females. They do it through activity, not talking or sharing emotions. Your BF will see that your son is just a mini-man. :) He doesn't have to "become" someone different to hang out with your son. He doesn't have to "become" a "bad guy/heavy" and start disciplining him either. He can actually spoil him and have fun at this point.

If he won't even give something like THAT a try... then maybe he doesn't really have long term intentions after all.

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I think you already know the answer to this. He has not gotten close to your son in 2 years so he just is not willing or capable of it. This is the time when you need to decide if your son's needs are more important than your own. Be honest with yourself about what is best and you will come to the right answer.

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There are many fish in the sea. Yours is a dead fish. Give up. You are young enough to find a man who likes your son and can get close to him. A
man who is a family man might want more children or have other children.
When I was dating and raising a family a guy like your boyfriend would have hit the egoistical B****** button on my radar screen and been out by the sixth week.
A man who is not a loving father figure for your son just is not worth being with at this time in your life.

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Some men do not know how to show compassion, love, Etc. to a child, and it has a lot to do with what their childhood was like. Did his parents play a huge part in your BF's life? Did he have a father figure at all? These things play a part in the adulthood of a male. You need to discuss the future and ask him what he wants out of you. Does he want his own children with you? If he's not interested, then he doesn't sound like a "family man".

Another thing that comes to mind, is how does he feel about your sons father? Do they see eye to eye. Does he get intimidated by him? That would prevent him from wanting to feel close with your son. Does your son show interest in closeness with your BF? Have the 2 of them go off on their own and go to a park, get some ice cream, go to a toy store, without you. Let them do the work on their own, and it won't seem like it's being forced by you. Good luck! Use your gut instinct. You know the answer to your own question.

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It might be disappointing, but the fact is at least he's honest with you about his feelings. Some people "love kids" want "lots of kids" even men..but some people don't want kids at all. Maybe he is one that never really wanted them. For whatever reason, he doesn't connect well with kids. You have to make a choice if he will still be there if needed for your son. Talk in the vein of example for him..sometimes people just have no clue what it takes to be "close to a child". His definition of close and yours might be different. From what you have said he's not mistreating the child or you. If you don't like it then it is up to you to end the relationship I guess...but you also have to remember that the child is NOT his, and some never have a connection beyond their own blood with children. Step-parenting is harder than being the biological parent. Maybe he was in a step-family, maybe he moved a lot and never connected with a lot of kids. You never know. Two years is not that long to be in a relationship. You have to learn how to be a family and you said yourself you didn't start the relationship between your son and him for six months. This means out of two years your son and he have only known each other for 1.5 years. He's six months behind the relationship...so I think you have to take that into account to. He knows you WAY better than he knows your son at this point. Six months time is not that long, but it is if there is a part of you (your child) that he is just getting to know. Some people are simply afraid of getting close to a kid in case it doesn't work out..maybe he knows that pain from childhood. I don't know. But I think you should consider that you kept him from your son for six months before allowing ANY relationship at all to come out of it between them. There may be a trust issue too..after all you kept them from meeting much for six months..maybe he thinks you don't trust him with kids. Anyway..I'd give the fact that 1.5 years is not as long as two years and encourage them to do things together.

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Speaking from experience, you are settling. If he really treated you well, he would see that your son is obviously important and do everything possible to make your son important in his life as well. You seriously need to ditch this guy if he's so selfish that he would ignore how important your son is to you and insist on a relationship where he doesn't establish a relationship with you son.

Please, please, please don't settle, I'm begging you. There's nothing you can do to change him, he won't change if it's been two years and he still acts distantly. He's obviously not willing to be a father, or be a family, so would you really wanna marry someone like that when that's what you obviously need/want? By "bartering" with him for emotional support and no financial support, you're telling him that you're willing to settle for the less that he is giving you, and that you're willing to deprive you and your son of what you need so that he can stay in Peter Pan mode.

Let's put it this way: What is more important to you? Meeting your son's needs or lassoing this guy and coercing this guy into giving you the bare minimum?

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I think there is one point that has not been hit on yet; in a blended family you cannot expect a child or a step-dad to have anything more than mutual respect for each other. To have more is nice, but sometimes there are just personality conflicts! When you have a man that loves you and respects you and your children and the bond you have with them there is nothing wrong with him not stepping in and being THE dad. As long as he treats him well and doesn't interfere in the relationship you have with your son (doing things together as a unit) then what is the problem? I think it is unfair to expect a man who did not father the child to step in and be that man.
There are definitely men out there that are capable of this; but how many are there really?

I am a single mom of 2 children, and I have dated men who have their own children and men that didn't have any yet. I would say it is more difficult for the men who don't have any kids yet to get attached; but why is there this unwritten law that says if a woman stays with a man who respects her and her child it is wrong? He has to be someone who will go to the end of the earth for her child. I don't understand that stereotype, it isn't fair for that to be expected of him, again it would be nice but not fair.

I am currently in a relationship of 6 years with a really wonderful man who has a 9 yr old daughter. He and I both struggle with the roll of step parent, it is hard to extend yourself out to a child who might reject you. Being part of a blended family is hard, and it is an everyday struggle that doesn't go away. I would say you know in your heart better than anyone what you need to do. You know what you are willing to have in your life better than anyone who has posted. You have to come to the decision of whether or not respect is enough for you. I know this has become a bit of a rant and i'm sorry for that, this is just a subject I feel strongly about. I hope my opinion has in some way helped you in your very difficult decision. :)

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Dear L., if after almost 2 yrs the emotional bond has not developed, unfortunately it just isn't going to happen. Your child comes first and he will benefit more from just your unconditional love alone vs. having that along with another person in the household who won't show it. Been there, done that.
I was widowed when my son was 5 . I met D and we dated for a year, then married and stayed together for another 2 yrs. before going our own way. Hoping things would just naturally grow after we married, the excuses just got worse. It ended up just being more emotionally straining on us all. Where we adults could somewhat rationalize what was occurring, it only further confused my child. I did not want him growing up to think this was the way males should act in a "un-nuclear" family. My son had gone from a happy go lucky lil' man to a quiet apphrehensive child. My son was My priority so i put my life on hold to put all the life i could into his. It was the best solution and decision I have ever made.
Today he is 30 yrs old, married for 14 yrs., father of 4 beautiful children ranging from 13 to 3. BUT, he still remembers that time long ago and how sad it made him feel to want to run and play and be hugged by someone who "loved mom" and not him.He remembers me being torn in 2 separate directions, in loving D and him.(Which D eventually verbalized to my son that "We were the couple and he was Just the kid") He felt that one day mom would "change and be on D's side" and stop loving him" so he walked on eggshells when we 3 were together so as not to lose me....breaks my heart to think that for a period in our lives this so affected him...and Thank God I listened to my intuition, swallowed my pride, tossed out the thinking i could fix things, looked at my son and said.."I love you, life goes on and we will do it together."
5 years later the man and father of my dreams plopped into our laps. From the first day they met and to this day you cannot tell they are not "natural" father and son! I wish you happiness and good luck and i hope your little guy benefits from whatever road you choose, but please keep him your priority...that way not only will you have him for the short time of raising him but for the rest of your lives!.. V

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I'm not a single mom or ever been in your situation but I have 3 sisters that are and I see their struggles with trying to find a nice man to have in their life and they always seem to bail before making a true committment. One guy freaked out so bad when my sister's son asked him if he could call him Dad that the guy broke up with my sis and ran! It was soooo sad, she really liked this guy and thought he was "the one" but he just wasn't ready. I've always suggested they look for a man that already has a child of his known, only then will the man know the true love a parent has for their child and how much life changes when we become parents. I think it's much harder for single guys with no kids of their own to come into a relationship with a woman that has children. Luckily this guy is being honest with you about how he feels and not putting on a front or making you feel like he's going to be a step father for your son and then bailing when he freaks. I think you should take that very serious and keep him around as a good friend only. If it bothers you now that he can't get close, it will only get harder and the more you want him to the more he'll pull away. Your son has to be your first priority and I can promise you that one day you'll find someone who loves not only you but your son too! Take care.

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Let me share my experience with you,3 years ago I was a 29 year old single mom of a 6 year old boy Isaiah,when I met my now live in boyfriend,and father of my now 8 month old daughter.When we started seeing each other I made it clear Isaiah was my life,Isaiah has osteogenesimperfecta so I ya he wants to be part of his life until he breaks a bone and it gets hard I thought for sure also because he was only 20..well I was happy and surprised when he stuck around,& it was Isaiahs worst yet where it was going to a bigger ER and surgery and he stayed in the hospital with us until he had to go to work.this was 6 or 7 monthes after we were together,Isaiah wasent sure of him til after this either.Then we moved in together and are still together.So I think its something a man knows he wants either a family or not,it something your man should of realized he knew you had a son and he also knew for sure the 1st time he met your son he couldt step up and be a father figure.Its sad cause us as women & single moms are looking for not 1 type of love for us but 2 types of love for us.So yes it is hard but hope you learn from my story its not impossible.Holding onto this man is just a waste of time when you could be meeting the man who will love your son as much as he loves you or better yet like his blood son.Isaiah dont know his so called real dad,my boyfriend says he is Isaiahs real Father and I think so to Isaiah does also.GOOD LUCK TO YOU .Love hurts,the hurt makes you stronger stronger to find your real love of your & your sons lifes

1 mom found this helpful

Your boyfriend seems to have something in his background that won't let him get close to children especially. If he is really interested in staying with you he needs to go to someone who can help him. I know a couple of really good (better than average) therapist. If you are interested I will give you their names. Both of these therapist have helped me to the point that I was so traumatically emotionally distant and physically sick and now I am a loving person and very healthy. As I said these are not regular therapist which never really helped me before - but these therapist did.

N.

1 mom found this helpful

I too am a single mother of an 8 year old. I have broke of relationships because of this very thing. I had to ask myself if this man was to be in my son's life, he would be a part of raising my son. Which a part of that is discipline, I am not comfortable with someone disciplining my son if that person was not able to do it from love. I want to be able to share those duties with the man I'm with. I want to know that I don't have to do everything 100%, otherwise I should stay single.

I'm sure he's a great guy but I don't believe he's a beneficial to your son's life. Maybe if your son was in his teens, it would be okay but your son is still young and to be forced to live with someone who is not able to bond with him doesn't sound like it would be in his best interest.

I can tell you from personal experience there are men out there who are willing to bond with someone's child. I'm living that life right now. My boyfriend has done nothing but focus on building a loving relationship with my son. He enjoys my son in his life and sees him as his future child once we get married. He has taken the time to educate himself on becoming a parent. He does not have children of his own. He comes to me with ideas on things that are in the best interest of my son. His family has done the same, they have taken the time to get to know my son.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I have been married for four years, together for five and have an almost two year old son together. He has an almost eight year old daughter from a previous relationship and even after all this time I still only have what I would describe as a "working" relationship with my step-daughter. I am not her mother and never will be but we are able to get along well enough. One difference, perhaps, is that she HAS a mother and lives with her most of the time.
I have a step-mother as well, she and my father have been married for 22 years. I like her a lot, even love her, but she was never a "mother" to me. I HAVE a mother and I spent equal amounts of time at both my mother's and father's houses growing up. My step-mother was, and is, another older person in my life who cares for me and has my best interests in mind.
Blended families are hard. On both sides. Some work better than others and some people are better at it than others. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't good at being a stepparent in the way that you want him to be. Which doesn't make him a bad guy, it sounds like he was pretty up front about what he felt, as were you.
Your choice is to either accept what he offers, or not. Therapy may help, but probably not to change him into a "family man," what it may be helpful for is to find more of a middle ground for the both of you. Or even help you decide that he isn't in fact what you're looking for.
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

some men just have aproblem with attaching to kids. with that said I would move on and find another. for the reason if you stay with your current bf your son will always be an "outcast" he needs a good male role model and your bf is not one. your son will wind up the same way when he gets older if you stay in your current relationship. no step parent should act like a step they should act like the kid is theirs and treat them that way. my vote is time to move on and find someone who is willing to accept your son. in my opinion your bf is throwing a major red flag. you can not see this because you are too close to the situation. or you might have a fear of being alone.

1 mom found this helpful

Well....i can almost relate except in my 8 yr relationship with mine....he met me when my son was 2 months old and just raised him as if he was his. We now have 2 more children and he treats my first son as if he was the only child...lol..i say give him some kind of one on one play time with your son...like a baseball game or soccer...or start off with him reading a book at night with him...and i think your right on saying if he cannot connect with your son your leaving....your son comes first...good luck

1 mom found this helpful

I think the bottom line is he says he's not a family man, doesn't feel comfortable getting close to your son, and he freaks out when you bring it up. That shows that he doesn't seem to want to work on being a family man.
After 2 years into a relationship and he hasn't tried even for your benefit. Both you and your son deserve better. He can't have you as his girlfriend on his terms because you have a child and it's selfish and hurtful not to be open to trying as hard as he could to make your family work, but he doesn't even want to, so it's going nowhere and your son deserves more than "This is my mother's boyfriend".

1 mom found this helpful

if it's been two years, it's really not a good sign. when i met my now husband 5 years ago at work, he would tell everyone "i'm not going to get married" "i don't need kids. i'll never have kids" and here we are, married, and about to have our first son in a few weeks. (he's 35 this yr, and i'll be 26) therapy freaks most men out, to be honest....they don't go for it, especially in the dating phase. i hate to say it, but if he can't form a bond with your son (especially since your son will live with you atleast for the next 10 yrs) than maybe it is time to move on....

1 mom found this helpful

No matter how much you may love him, get rid of him! You love your son more and he is not willing to accept the whole package and that is not fair to your son. He may be a good guy, but he's not for you and your son.

1 mom found this helpful

Your son should be your number one priority and your boyfriend is not willing to have a relationship with him and you are ok with that??? I don't get it.........why would you settle for that?
I had a step-mom and a step-dad growing up. I now have a step-daughter and my husband and I have two children together. Blended families can be amazing, but with the right person. Kids need people in their lives that love them. Don't settle for a "boyfriend" when you and your son deserve so much more!! There are wonderful men out there that would make a fabulous husband and step-father. Please, move on, for your sake and your sons!!

You've gotten plenty of advice already and I'm just repeating , but here it goes. He's going to be a great guy , for someone else, not for you and your little guy.
I know thats not what you want to hear, because you do love him, but I just don't think its going to change from how it is now and how its been the last couple of years.
A man could want me with all of his heart & soul, but that would mean little to me if he didn't accept and welcome my child. I've heard it said before that you should choose your mate over your child, but I'm sorry that dosen't fly over well with me.
I wish I could tell you 'yes hang in there, maybe he'll change' , but I wouldn't advice you to do something that I wouldn't do myself. I would break it off, so I could be free to find 'the one for us' and let him find the one for him.

i think that u an your son i s a total package an if he care 4 you an not the other half then let go it's like o.k i have to tipples's but my boy friend only play's wit one come one they r a pair asn so is u an ur son so if he can not exept both he cant have one i truely understand the feeling about you haveing feeling for this person butr he he making you choce btween u an somththing you brought into this world do you think god would approve of o.kay you just sined 1 time so you can get unto heaven r did he forgive you of all as christ gave his life @ calvarey litsen u can lust al you want but true love dosnt make u decided it is joined unconditionally

He wants to be with you forever, but is unwilling to go past the dating stage? So, what is he saying, that he wants to date you forever? He's happy with the status quo, but you want and need the relationship to progress. After 2 years, I don't blame you. I don't think any amount of counseling or therapy can convince someone to develop a bond with a child when they have clearly said in so many words they are not interested in doing so. I think you and your son deserve so much better.

Yes, try counseling, but don't expect major changes. He was up front with you and you were up front with him. The counseling will probably help you come to terms with who the two of you are. Honesty is a specially is a special gift the two of you can give to each other.

It's time to move on...I know it's not easy, but your poor son is going to start questiong himself, if he hasn't already. If this guy loves you enough, he WOULD find a way to bond, it's the lack of effort that is concerning...DITCH HIM! There is a guy in this world that will gladly "take him in", just be patient...you'll know when you meet him. Good job for recognizing and voicing your concerns...you're right about them! Good luck to you!

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