Boyfriend Seeking to Plan Out Our Life Without My Input.

If I were standing in your boyfriend's shoes, I can see that he might think you are planning out his life for him without his input. Of course the best time to talk over family size would be before starting a pregnancy, so you can determine whether you are well-matched as mates. In this case, that step apparently didn't happen, so you'll both have to work harder as reassessing your futures.

Providing for children is a huge undertaking even in a flourishing economy. You don't say how long you've been together, but it sounds like he is not the father of 'your' first child. It's rather heroic for him to step in as the dad, if that is what has occurred already. It might be a good thing to count your blessings, and leave talk of additional children for a future, less stressful time. You've both got plenty to deal with right now.

Also, as I have already done twice this evening to other requests regarding family size, I'd like to beg you to consider the impact of human population on the planet that is sustaining us all. The earth's carrying capacity is already seriously strained, and young parents would do well to consider the potential impact of this on the children they are bringing into the world. What we "want" is not always what we truly need.

In all fairness, he does have the right to say how many children he wants. It sounds like you might very well end up with only 2 children, as he's the one saying no and his vote counts too. If you wanted more kids you should have talked about this with your boyfriend BEFORE getting pregnant the first time and certainly before the second time. I wonder why you had never had this conversation before now? My husband and I talked about this on one of our first dates.

I do not think it's fair for you to consider spliting your family up because of your lack of communication. You made a choice to make this man the father of your children and it wouldn't be fair to take that away from him or your children. Children need 2 parents working well together or they can end up with lifelong problems.

Also, someone else mentioned that he might change his mind some years down the road. I wouldn't push this any further for now. Wait it out and see.

right now though, i think you need to get through this unplanned pregnancy together and after the dust has settled when the little one is born, i don't think it's out of line to revisit this discussion. after all, he could change his mind, or you could change your mind in the next year. i know plenty of women who never wanted kids, met the right guy, and then decided they'd like to start a family. i know several guys who wanted a big family, had a child with their wives or girlfriends, and then decided they were done after the next one. in my personal situation, my SO and i are having a baby in july, and we've been talking about starting a family together since last january. last january, we had settled on having 2 more, giving us 3 kids total. but since then he's changed his mind, and i'm not sure if it's because he's freaking out a little over the financial burden of having 3 kids or if he's a little overwhelmed. we did agree we'll talk about it after the belly bean comes, probably in a year and a half from now.
so yeah, one thing at a time. circumstances can change in the blink of an eye, and so can someone's mind.

B. - Luckily, for some reason, you and your boyfriend are not married!! So, if you want to have more children and he doesn't, you can easily split from him until you find someone that does. It would be tough, but would you resent him for the rest of your life if you don't have another child?
I have two children and desperatly want a third and my husband is holding back. We talked about it very seriously on New Years and decided that we would come back next year at the same time (12:11 am) and decide how we are financially doing and if we want to have another one or not.
Maybe you should wait until you second is born, let your boyfriend see how life is with a newborn, let you see how it's going to be with two (it's a hard transition), see how you are doing financially and then go back to the conversation in about a year.
HOWEVER, He may NOT change his mind. You may be thinking that you just waited a year and he still didn't come to your side of thinking! Would that be a "wasted" year?
Lots to think about! L.

Sounds like he is planning his life which really as a boyfriend is all he has to worry about, he isn't your husband and has no obligation other then financial for the kids when born. How long have you been together? I know people that have made plans as a young adult and don't waiver from them and then others that change depending on who they are with and neither one if them is better then the other just different. Obviously by walking away he didn't say anything more hurtful or yell which should be commended and it sounds like neither of you were going to budge on the issue so why keep going on about it. I would say just wait and don't bring it up unless you are willing to see that you just might have differing views on this and they probably won't change much. Sounds like you might have more to talk about before moving forward to see if there are other areas that you differ.

B.:

I would let him cool off for a few days and let him collect his thoughts first. For some reason, men and children lately have become really hard to deal with ( I am speaking from experience with my own issues). Then, begin the conversation with easy talk and see if he wants to stay with you all together.

I realize that an unexpected pregnancy can really throw things off for awhile, but just let him know that you all can either work together to continue with his dream and the kiddos, or you can cut him out of the picture. I know this seems extreme, but you are not married to the man, and obviously, he is not being considerate of your feelings as well.

I would definitely look into the possibility of counseling to deal with this and other situations that may arise because maybe he needs an outlet. I know that I need an outlet when I get angry and my husband needs an outlet when he is angry. Work on those issues and how to combat this angst or anxiety towards you being pregnant and then also let him know that until you find out, you are not having twins and that it needs to be kept a joke.

You too need to work on whether you want to continue to be with a man who is clearly not ready for being a dad. Not to say that he wouldn't be a good dad in the future, but think of whether or not he would be a good provider and spouse (or if you guys keep "dating" then relationship). My point is, is he worth keeping if he may just up and leave because he can't deal with the stress? Why would you put yourself through that.

I know that this sounds mostly negative, but when you involve children and meshing lives, you need to think of what the outcome will be and plan for that. Otherwise, you may not like the results.

Best wishes and let us know how things worked out.

Kim B.