Boyfriend Overnight

I think there's nothing wrong with a single mom dating and having a steady boyfriend. It's important for you to have that kind of companionship in your life.
But as a child whose mother had boyfriends sleepover I can tell you at 8 years old she is still too young to understand what that really means. I was 9 and 10 years old after my mom's first two marriages ended and I found having a man in my mom's bed all night to be very disturbing. Not because the MAN was disturbing, but because even though I didn't know a lot about sex at that point, I knew there was "something" going on and quite frankly it scared me.
Personally I wouldn't have a man sleepover unless we were about to get married and my kids knew this guy would be a permanent part of our lives. This isn't about morality or religion, it's about creating the most stable home possible for your girls. They have already had to go through two divorces with you, why the rush to bring another man into the house? Take your time, and go slow. Even if you've known him for a while at the romantic level it's still a new relationship. If this guy is the real deal he will understand that, and be supportive.

13 moms found this helpful

The important question is why are you in such a hurry to move in with him. I mean I will help you out with a few words from my oldest daughter to me, your track record kind of sucks mom, how about you prove you are not being stupid before you have a guy move in with you.

So you divorced, remarried quickly, now you want to move in with your boyfriend of three months. I don't even know you and I have to say your track record kind of sucks, ya know?

So ask yourself why? Why do you want to put your kids in the middle of this? You don't have control over your ex but you have control over your own decisions. You can blame your ex all you want but you are the one choosing to put them in the middle.

After reading your what happened: How about modeling some stability? You are really offering up 14 years in an abusive marriage as stability? Come on!! Stand on your own two feet, no man, prove you can do it for yourself and your daughters. Then consider having a man live with you. What you are teaching those poor girls is women need men, that women can't survive without men. Do you really want them dependent on an abusive man because that is what you are teaching them.

You are looking at your time with a man as stability, you need to look at your time between men! You seem very dependent!

13 moms found this helpful

Why the need to sleep over? Can't he just stay late and go home? Did you not learn anything with 2 divorces under your belt?

Seriously 3 months!! I hated when my mom brought men around and had them stay the night. I was young and didn't know about sex BUT i sure new that something was going on AND I didn't like it at all.

Yes both your daughters are very very impressionable, lead by example. At least wait a year for sleepovers.

12 moms found this helpful

I guess it depends on whether you are a "follow my example" kind of person. Or are you a do as I say and not as I do kind of hypocrit.

Your choice, but if you don't want your daughter to sleep around, then you shouldn't sleep around. If you are sure enough about him that he is husband material (and NOT One Night Stand material.) to have sex with him, then you should be sure enough with him to get married first.

What kind of example are you going to be for your children?

Good luck to you and yours.

12 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't introduce another man into their lives until you're engaged again. I certainly wouldn't have boyfriends sleeping over your house while your children are home until you're married again. I think that it's irresponsible parenting. You may have "known" this man for a while, but you risk putting the safety of your daughters at risk by bringing a strange man into the house. Put your children first, not your love life. Put THEIR comfort first, not your sex life.

Just saying.

12 moms found this helpful

It's pretty sad that your ex expects your daughter to act as some kind of informant, that's one of the big no-nos for divorced parents.

But think more about what kind of example you are setting for your daughters now - not just the 8 year old, but the 16 year old as well, who could be sexually active herself very soon, if she isn't already. Yes, you are an adult, and your ex-husband shouldn't be telling you what to do, but once we have kids, our lives aren't totally are own any longer. They are always watching, and paying more attention to what we do than what we say. I am not any kind of holier-than-thou, bible-thumper either, I'm just me - and I still have certain standards.

I would just have boyfriend sleep over only when the girls are at their dad's - if you end up getting married to him, then obviously you will be living together at that point. This isn't about what your ex-husband thinks is right or wrong - but about the kind of person you want your daughters to see you being.

Also, I am not the paranoid type, but I would be cautious about any man or boyfriend around my daughters and what his true intentions might be...

11 moms found this helpful

I don't care how long you've known each other...3 months is too soon for overnights with your boyfriend. You've clearly had wrong instincts and poor judgment in this area before. Take it slow and date on your time, not your children's. Leave them out of your love life and save your overnights for when the kids are with their dad. Two men in and out of their lives is enough.

11 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't do it. It's not a matter of who is right about the morality of having your BF spend the night. The problem is that it puts your 8 yo daughter in the middle. She will have to choose between lying or being honest and enduring her dad's rants about you. She is pretty young and I wouldn't expect her to have the emotional skills to set boundaries to protect herself from her father's pressure. Give your daughter a break and hold off on the overnights.

11 moms found this helpful

I am a single mom, my son is now 16. I have never had a BF spend the night with me while he was home. It is just not what I want to model to him...bad enough I had him out of wedlock, and have had to explain that to him over and over again through the years. LOL

While I don't think it is immoral to have a BF spend the night, I do think that it risks having your children, especially your youngest, get attached to this person. If the relationship does not work out then your child's heart gets broken. She has been through two of your relationships already, I would just suggest that you tread lightly and slowly with this one.

Also, don't under estimate the power of her father's opinions. She will not be able to develop her own opinions, based on life experience, for some years. So, if Dad is telling her something is wrong, and you are telling her something is right, it sets her up for a lot of confusion.

Those of us who the children live with, and who have obnoxious exes, find ourselves in a precarious place of balancing our needs with the needs of our children, and with the influence the other parent has on our children. I find, with myself, in the past, that I had much resentment against my ex for being able to live his life - i.e., go out, have GFs stay over, etc., things that I would not do. Then I got over it because it is more important to me to model the values that I wanted my son to have.

Why not just have BF spend the night with you when your kids are not home?

Good Luck!

10 moms found this helpful

I think sleepovers can wait until there is a ring when there are children involved.

10 moms found this helpful

I have been "immoral" according to your ex's criteria but never. Your 16 year old may "know" but don't fool yourself into thinking the 8 year old is clueless. Do you want to be this example to your girls....to spend the night after three months??? Please think about the example you are are being to your daughters. I wouldn't and my daughter is now 19.

If you want to model for your girls...do so. You have lots of time to play with your new boyfriend when your girls are away.

10 moms found this helpful

If I were your daughter, I'd learn from this experience that waiting 3 months for pre-marital sex is only necessary when children are involved - otherwise sooner is ok.

I'm not making any judgments - I don't have an issue with premarital sex, more power to ya! But they're watching and learning and soon will be applying this lesson in their own lives.

They're 16 and 8. How long do you think THEY should wait before they sleep with their boyfriend? That's how long I'd recommend you wait for "sleepovers" (which is the equivelent of telling them you two are having sex).

9 moms found this helpful

I'm not a bible thumper at all but I would say that given your kids have already been through two divorces to wait to have your boyfriend spend the night. You may be serious and if so and it works out, great. You'll have years and years together. I think at this point you need to be very cautious though about putting your 8 year old's needs ahead of yours. Even your 16 year old is still a kid too.

9 moms found this helpful

Oh boy, my greatest concern is for your 16 yr old daughter, who could very well make you a grandmother quicker than you can blink. I would not want to set the example of non-committal sex to my teen; no wedding, no bedding.

You can't change your ex's behavior, but you CAN minimize the damage done to your daughters by not giving them a bad example. And yes, no premarital sex IS realistic. Most of my friends were virgins til we had husbands--that's the expectations our parents set for us.

8 moms found this helpful

Your ex is a hypocrit, that's for sure. He will continue to fill the youngest's head and he also wants to know any dirt he can find out about you. He may very well try to use it to take you to court, just because...

Here's the thing. You and your bf have only been together for 3 months. I know you said you've been friends for 5 years, but it's different. Add onto that, you were married again and divorced yet again.

I really think that perhaps it is too soon for you to be openly spending the night with him in front of your children. Can you not wait? It would give less credence to your jerk ex's assertions that you are immoral. It would also give him less ammunition against you.

If I were you, I'd do your homework in regards to his hypocrisy and document it. And tread carefully with the new boyfriend - you don't want to get hurt again.

Good luck!
D.

8 moms found this helpful

I am not going to say you are being "immoral" because I lived with my hubby for a year before we married 24 yrs ago.

That said, IF there had been a child involved, NO, I would not entertain the idea of sleepovers with bf. You are modeling the behavior you want for your girls, just keep that in mind.

You've already brought hubby #2 in and out of the picture. Don't potentially bring #3 in for more drama. 3 months is very new for a relationship. Take some time to develop before you start have sleepovers. You have plenty of time to see where this is going without having to rush to the bedroom.

You also need to be very keen on your daughter's safety when/if you bring someone into the picture. It is not just you involved... if is you and your girls and his children if he has any. I would hope there were separate rooms (not just separate beds) at the hotel because your bf does not need to be in the same hotel room with 16 and 8 yr old girls.

As for your ex... YES he is in the wrong to bad mouth you to your children, same goes for you if you bad mouth him.

Take things slowly this time and don't rush into marriage. Enjoy your girls while they are young, you'll have plenty of time to play when they are away at college or on their own.

8 moms found this helpful

I see no reason at this point to have sleepovers when your daughters are there. This relationship is new and your girls have been through a lot. Give them time to adjust to everything.

8 moms found this helpful

If you really are that drawn to him physically, I suggest the activity be limited to his place and you two go your separate ways after.

I think your girls will know what's going on anyway, but it'll look shady just having him sleeping over and leaving in the morning. It'll look like you're just having him spend night so you two can have sex, that there's no long term work/love. It's not a good situation to put them in or yourself. You also want to avoid giving your EX the rope to hang you. He may be a hypocrite, but your little one see you and sees what you do.

You can start slow, have him show up in mornings with doughnuts or groceries for breakfast for everyone. Let your younger get used to seeing him in the mornings without the slumber party ;). No ammo for your EX either.

Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful

I don't think it's unreasonable not to have sleepovers with your boyfriend while the kids are in the house. Do they never spend the night at their dad's house? Why can't BF just have his overnights then? I don't want to be mean or anything, but you're a grown up, you can control yourself.

7 moms found this helpful

I do not think having him sleep over is a good idea. You need to think of your daughters. Be a good role model. It really doesn't matter how long you guys have known each other. You need to set a good example for them. I will have to agree with their dad on this one.
Also it is totally possible to wait until marriage. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. It's more common than some people think!

7 moms found this helpful

Personally with a 16 year old in the house, I would have to say that your boyfriend sleeping over should be a big No No. She is going to be dating soon, if she isn't already. Will it be ok for you to have a sleepover with your boyfriend, but not her? First let me say that I would hope it wouldn't be ok for her, so you need to set the example.

Although you have known him for years, you state that your relationship is only 3 months new. Seems quick to have your boyfriend on a vacation with your girls? Please remember that all of this can come back to bite you in the end if the girls want to use your behavior as an example for their behavior. It's kind of like smoking. If you are a smoker, it's kind of tough to lecture your kids about smoking and expect them to "do as I say, not as I do".

I would have to guess that they spend time at their Dad's house. While you are in the "dating" phase, I would think sleepovers and vacations with the boyfriend should be done while the kids are not around. As far as what Dad says, if he is messing around without the girls seeing him then what he does is his business. Once your kids become a witness to inappropriate behavior, it becomes an issue for everyone. I mean this both ways him having sleepovers or you having sleepovers while your children are present. As far as Dad making comments, I'm sorry to say but he had every right to question sleeping arrangents when it comes to his girls being there to see what it going on. Would you want him dating some woman that was sharing a bed with him while your girls were staying with him? I doubt it.

7 moms found this helpful

Hold off on the boyfriend overnight stays. You go out and stay with him at a motel/hotel.

Your kids have been through enough and they don't need to get attached to this man and have him leave. Then your first ex will have more fuel to his fire and his brimstone sermons. Put your children's needs before yours.

Stop having booty calls. If you make it too easy they will not want you to be their wife get some standards. Go get the book by Steve Harvey, "Act like a woman and Think like a Man." It has a lot of answers to things women do today to drive good men away.

The other S.

6 moms found this helpful

Sorry but stability for the kids comes before over nights with the boyfriend.
The kids have had your ex, then step daddy numbers one and two in and out of their lives.
I think stepping back, and taking it slow with this boyfriend is the right approach at this time.
If it's true love, he'll understand, and wait and take it slow too, because if he's going to be in your lives, your kids are going to have to be a priority with him too.
I'd be taking a long look at why you've had 3 going on 4 men in your life in relative short succession.
A break from men might be good for all of you.
Morality has nothing to do with it but stability does.
Someones got to be the parent - you are it.

A good friend of mine married out of high school, had a daughter and divorced him when he hit her while she was holding the baby.
She raised her on her own through the girl finishing college and my friend just now finally got remarried at the age of 50 to the love of her life.

6 moms found this helpful

I think it's sad you keep introducing new men in and out of your children's life. When this boyfriend is gone, will there be another? Another? You are creating losses for your children. Instead of having your boyfriend spend the night, you ought to put dating on hold and concentrate on raising your children.

Your ex husband has every right to be concerned. Do you know what you are teaching your daughters? It's okay to sleep with their boyfriends, and morality and marriage don't matter.

5 moms found this helpful

Just know that what you model will produce similar things in your children. You will have zero ground to stand on if you want them to restrain themselves from sleeping with their boyfriends. I think it is a better thing to hide your sleeping around than do it in their faces. For that I think your Ex is making a better judgment call than you. I would like to think I would not do this to my impressionable daughters. Though I can understand the temptation. On a lesser note, Eww, yuck, and gross for your poor daughters to through your sexual relationship in their faces. Remain discreet is my advice.

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You have daughters. Don't send them the message that having sleepovers with boys is OK. They are watching everything you do.

There is no reason to have sleepovers before you are married. You and BF can shack up while the girls are at their Dad's house.

4 moms found this helpful

When I was five my mom moved in with her BF...married him when I was six. I did not become so slut or promiscuous! Therefore, the nonsense of it's a wrong doesn't make sense to me. You can show kids how to have healthy relationships in many ways. Mostly by being honest with them.

I would just tell her the truth. Your boyfriend will be periodically be staying the night.

ETA: 30 years later they are still married.

4 moms found this helpful

This new relationship is very new. Even though you have "known" this guy for 5 years it still doesn't equal inviting him over for sleepovers. For now keep your private life private. After about 1 year of dating this guy without the girls then see what happens. You really don't even know this guy either. People can pretend and make believe for some time. Get to know him through summer, winter spring and fall. Be the stability for your children.

If your lifestyle doesn't give your ex a leg to stand on in the eyes of your youngest why worry about what he thinks. Be wise though he is looking for a reason. Don't risk loosing your kids because you want sleepovers with your boyfriend of 3 months.

4 moms found this helpful

I am divorced and integrated my relationship with my bf into mine and my children's lives. It bothered my daughter that I was spending time and weekends with someone she didn't know and wanted to know. I followed my children's lead on timing. You know your kids and your relationship. They have already met him and spent time with him. Be honest with your children (obviously they don't need details). I think just ask them what they would think of your bf spending the night. We're only human and its important for children to see that we make mistakes and admitting you didn't always make the right choices, but now you are with someone who cares for you and for them. If they're not comfortable with him spending the night in your room, maybe he sleeps on the couch.
Good luck in your relationship!

4 moms found this helpful

What 2 adults do in the privacy of their own home is none of anyone else's business.

You need to start drilling your daughters --- tell them to tell dad that they are NOT his spies. It sounds like he is a control freak who thinks he can still control what you do.

Why not talk to your kids about his lies and bedhopping? If you want them to have fulfilled sex lives in the future they need to understand that sex is okay even if you are not married.

There is an interesting program that shows up on History channel evey now and then called "The History of Sex". Check it out.

3 moms found this helpful

I honestly think the relationship is too new to bring it into your home in such an intimate way. If you'd been dating for a long time, had a firm idea that you'd be together a very long time then it wouldn't be as big a deal.
What's going to happen if you break up in three months and then six months later there's another guy? It just seems way too adult for kids to have to deal with at the breakfast table.

I do have a bit of a problem with poeple saying you should abstain for as long as you would want your daughter to. I teach my girls that with age and experience comes freedom and priviledges. When you are old enough to handle adult stuff that's when you should do adult stuff.
I mean just becuase you have sex with a guy after dating for three months doesn't mean the message to your daughter is that that's OK for her to do the same. She is 16, she knows she is 16 and her freedom and lifestyle is that of a 16 year old. Now, when she is 25, different story, if she has been dating someone for three months that she's been friends with for years then sleeping together is her own choice as and grown woman. She's paying the bills, emotionally mature, survived the teen years then it's her choice when and if she sleeps with someone.

I still wouldn't let the BF spend the night, especially with an eight year old around. I do think what's just fine for a twice divorced grown Mother of 2 is not OK for a 16 year old. Most teens I know recognize this and would not assume they could "follow in your footsteps". I think we should give our kids more credit and speak with them more directly then many families do. They are not only watching our actions hopefully they are listening too. A frank discussion about how sex outside of marriage is very different for a mature woman then a teenage girl may be in order even if you don't allow the sleepover. I'm pretty sure your 16 year would guess what's up even if the BF wasn't around in the morning.

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wow you're setting yourself up to be flogged with that question. i mean I've been in the divorce sittuation and my boyfriend lives with M. and i think if we got married and it failed and my daughter went through 2 faile marriages I'd be keeping things very seperate until I knew it was sure.
I'd also make sure I healed any issues I had because of the relationships or they may have contributed to the relationship ending. I know after my ex I realized I had to fix some things within myself.
Anywho why the need to have him sleep over? get an overnight babysitter or a friend or family and then have your sleepover
for the first 8 months with my boyfriend i had him leave before 2am so my daughter knew he wasnt sleeping over and we could still get alone time in

2 moms found this helpful

One thing. Why does it have to be a boyfriend right away. You can call him your friend until you know for sure he will be your boyfriend. That way if it doesn't work out the kids don't think you had so many boyfriends. Remember that it is not a competition and you both have the right to be happy. Happy parents, Happy kids. There are higher standards for the mom's , I know so unfair but it is the way it is. Don't bash each other, that is the most important and try to talk to him about it. Even though you are serious with the BF make sure he is the right one to be around the girls. good luck.