Boy Trouble...

I've worked with kids a lot and some kids just aren't time-out kids. Even if they'll stay in, the point is missed. I don't think time-outs are effective for ever personality, and now that I have my own child, I know they aren't effective for him, either. He's still small, but something that's been recommended as an alternative (and I've seen it work for some families) is that when your child starts to ratchet up his physicality (with his brother, or in any way you find inappropriate), you can have him do pushups or run laps around the house. Some kids need to burn off energy and expressing themselves physically is how that shows up. Better to have him do some solo energy work, you know? Maybe just give it a try and see if it works for you.

Have you ever watched Nanny 911? You need to be in control now or your children will be seriously out of control. It's a fair amount of work to have your children stay in their time out, but once they realize that you mean business, it will happen. This does mean that you put your in child in a time out. when he doesn't stay, you physically put him back and reset the timer. There is no talking during this. You just do it over and over. You can talk about it afterwards, but be brief. Is this a difficult and annoying and tiring process for all of you?? You bet, but he'll get it. It could take a few weeks. Just do it over, and over. Remember, you don't want to have children that require Nanny Jo to come to your house!!
Oh, and I am a mom of 2 boys. They are 5 and 2 1/2. They do get along pretty well together. We don't need to referee too much, but we have had general "not listening" problems. Good luck!

What do you mean " he refuses time out"?
WHO is the authority in your home ?
You, the parent, or the four year old child?
You put his little butt in time out, tell him to stay there and mean it. If you have to put him back a dozen times, DO IT, until he obeys you.
Think I would consider curtailing his interactions with "older , rougher, neighbors too.
What you do with those children now establishes the basis of your disciplinary actions for 18 years. If you do not get this sorted out you are in for a very long, hard time.
Yelling is mostly ineffectual. It takes a great deal of work to be able just to speak and have obedience but that is what needs to be done here.
What you say during these incidents is important too. Like, You are NOT allowed to hurt your brother or anyone else. People are NOT for hurting.
It seems to me you have a lot more going on here than just the four year old hurting his brother. That seems to be a symptom of what is amiss.
Talk with your pediatrician and tell him/her what is happening and see what they recommend to change behavior. Peds are not just for medical issues.
Consistancy and persistance...dont let him get away with it the teensiest bit .
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Hi K.,

As you have clearly learned, each child has their individual personality and temperment. It is sometimes easy to see the negative in our strong willed and reactive children and easy to see the positive in our more introspective children. Your son was born with his temperment. It is part of who he is. He cannot change who he naturally is, but he can grow to understand himself and his reaction to situations and he CAN temper his reaction to a more appropriate and more productive one.

As difficult as it is you have to be firm and have consistent consequences to inappropriate behavior.
You say your son refuses timeouts. He is four. Tell him once the consequences for his actions. Even if his temper tantrum makes it impossible for him to hear you. If he does not do as he is told, then pick him up and put him on a timeout. You will then need to to silently continue to pick him up and place him in timeout until he quiets. Be prepared for the fight to be a long one. It is imperative that you do not give in. Your son will not be four forever. What is a nuisance today will be a real problem tomorrow.

I am sure you do not want to break the will of your spirited child but to embrace his spirit. Even still YOU are the parent, you know best and your son needs to respect you. This is a lesson that will serve him well throughout life. It fine to have pride in one's accomplishments, but blind pride is an obstacle to accomplishment.

Best Wishes and God Bless,

J. L.

I find it funny when parents say that their child "refuses" to listen to them. Keep in mind your oldest son is 4....not 44.

Who's in charge? You or him? Start now with discipline and rules or you'll be sorry.

Children are born totally innocent..they learn refusal and denial of rules from people and behaviors around them. With that being said, your son either saw someone else "push you over" and ignore you....or he picked up really quickly that you were throwing empty threats. Either way....he's winning and your losing.

Turn that around now before it gets any worse. It will be hard, but you must stick with your discipline technique.

Perhaps you forget about a "time-out" now...since he's waiting for them....and take away a toy of his when he hits his brother and tell him "You can have your toy back when your ready to stop hitting your brother" or something along those lines.

When your children are in bed or whenever you can grab a moment to yourself, write down what you would like to achieve in your house with your kids. By that I mean, who's in charge...you or them? When your oldest (and youngest) son act up, what do you want to say...how do you want to handle the situation at hand, and ultimately...what outcome would you like to see?

www.daniellebuffardi.com

Refused timeouts? Of course every child refuse them, consistency is the key. You put him in timeout, and every time he moves out of it, you PUT HIM BACK!! Do it until he stays there, it may take 30 min but it WILL happen. Tell him the longer he does it, the longer he will stay in timeout. If hes refusing timeout its because you're letting him! So there fore he's getting away with it, theres no punishment. Its no fun feeling like youre yelling all the time, i know, i have 2 girls that are just constantly arguing/ competing about everything from watching tv to whos doing whatever activity better, or my youngest pushing every button her sisters got! You have to be consistent, he has to know its not acceptable to be so rough with his brother.
Dont let him call the shots, you are the parent. Do you have control? When youre in public does he mind you? If you dont have control with your children now, it will only get worse. Dont be one of these parents who call the poilice when they're child is 12 &out of control because they dont know what to do! Think about it.

First of all, try to stop yelling. It's incredibly hard, I know, but as my friend says, "You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to." You are the boss and you have to have the confidence that you are. It's so easy to get frustrated but you need to be consistent and firm, and not engage in giving him the attention he is demanding. Even negative attention is attention.

Secondly, "just brothers" or "boys being boys" is a slippery slope - it allows behavior in boys that we would not tolerate in girls. It creates a level of permission for them to engage in certain behaviors. Remove him from the situation and put him in his room. If he won't sit in a time out corner or time out chair, then put him someplace secure. I put a little gate hook on my son's door so he had to stay in there. If he trashed the place, then we removed everything from the room - all the toys etc. - and put them in the attic. We left books and his stuffed animals for security, but no luxuries.

Whatever your son values most, you take away every time he behaves this way. If you are out someplace, you leave and go home. As inconvenient as it can be, it only takes a few episodes. My son went through a head-butting stage, whacking his head into others kids or even me. I have left restaurants and left supermarkets with a half-filled cart - I just told the manager I needed to remove my son from the store and I was sorry but could someone put the groceries back on the shelves. My son couldn't believe it - but I only had to do it 3 times.

Give all the attention to the younger brother if the older one is being difficult. He goes in his room, and you and the younger one will play until the older can behave. And vice versa, if the little one starts up with this. Don't engage in the argument, just state the facts ("We don't hit in this house." "No biting.") and move on. He doesn't have to understand the reasons right now - he just has to stop.

A good rule is that things are only funny if both people are having fun. If one person thinks it's a riot but the other one is crying or angry, then it isn't fun. It goes for verbal comments, jokes, ridicule, etc. as well as physical stuff. I think, given the age and size difference between your kids, it's inevitable that any type of wrestling match is not going to be fun or harmless for very long.

I think rechanneling excess energy, as one poster suggested, is fine. Kids need to learn to self-regulate and to get rid of aggression in positive ways. Teaching a kid to run laps or even punch a pillow (as long as it never gets to punching a pet or a wall) is okay. It's a good skill for later on.

Good luck - it's frustrating but you will be glad that you took charge early in their lives.