Boy Toys

What if you planned the activities that the boys did while at your house? Slip and slide, water balloon fights, tag, elefun -- active games that keep them moving and are appropriate for your child.

We are a no television family, no violence, etc. and we ARE different from other families. Our kids are well behaved and I had a hard time accepting that they were going to play with kids who had very different experiences in life. But I found that all kids are receptive to my involvement and nurturing while in my home. It also is nice that when they leave, my kids tell me that it was over the top for them, too, and they don't like some of the stuff the other kids brought to the table. It shows me that our values are solid in them and it provides a chance to talk about the way we have to conduct ourselves in the world. It is a chance to talk about how great it is to follow your own heart, know that it makes you feel good to be calm on the inside and be aware that not everyone is.

Your kids will be fine. Someitmes it is our own tolerance we have to work on.

4 moms found this helpful

Here is a GOOD link:
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=679

Its not only about gender... boys are just generally more kinesthetic. They are more physical... and move around a lot.
Girls, can sit.
It is also personality...

Just go according to your son's interests/talents. Go my his cues.

But sooner or later... he will be out in the general population and exposed to everything... so do you want him to go be used to it or scared of it? Be able to handle it or not? Be aware of differences in people or not? It is not only about 'manners' but about knowing what is bad/good, nice/mean in a child and others. PEOPLE skills. Management of emotions. Articulation of feelings and behaviors. Not only what they play with or not.

Even a kid who likes SpiderMan... it does not mean that boy is a monster full of bad manners. It is also about parenting.

Sometimes, if underexposed to things as well, the kid will rebel later.
And it does not mean that girl toys are inherently 'better' or calmer.

What your son is doing is pretend play with your daughter's toys. This is normal. He does not have his own figures.

You cannot make a child calm or not... but sure, what they are exposed to affects them. It is also personality.
Just teach your boy about social skills and the ability to "discern" people.

If you look on Amazon and input the search word "raising boys" MANY good books will come up, and you can read the reviews of it.

I have a boy. He is 3. He is active and a great boy. He plays with typical boy toys... he is not a crazy-wild-nutball. He is active... but very loving and affectionate and caring.

All the best,
Susan

1 mom found this helpful

I have two boys and in general, we raise them very different than many people we know as well. Neither of them are allowed guns or allowed to watch much of any TV period. We are strict with discipline because kids need boundaries set, especially boys.

They are overall very well-behaved, but also very, VERY active. There is definitely a difference when we have girls over being raised the same way versus when we have boys over their ages. The boys need to physically get their energy out a lot of times by running around and being active, as many of the moms here have pointed out. My boys will spend long hours playing quietly with trains, but those times last longer if we have a period of running around, playing and exploring as well. We have our boys clean up and their friends usually join in if they are having to do it after play time is over.

Maybe try to seek out some moms with similar values whose kids may have similar rules and boundaries.

It sounds like you may have a very calm son, which is great. Some boys I know are like that, although it is more personality imo. I also know some girls who are out of control and we do not invite them over to play. We have good play friends whose oldest son is quiet and very calm, but he loves having my boys around and they play well together. He asks to invite them over on a very regular basis.

I don't really worry about what toys they play with in terms of what gender they are associated with. Doing things like slamming a door in your daughter's face points to undisciplined boys though, not just a boy being a boy. That type of behavior is just rude.

Good luck - I hope you are able to connect with some moms with boys that aren't rude and have similar boundaries as you do.

1 mom found this helpful

I have daughters, but we have relatives and friends who have boys our daughters' ages, so we have play time with them pretty often. This is just my observation, but these boys are all pretty physical. Not badly behaved, but they just seem to need to MOVE. My girls, when playing with other girls, will usually play dolls, tea party, puzzles, house, etc - however when they play with boys, they end up playing cops and robbers, superheroes, etc. This is at houses with AND without play guns, swords, and other "violent" play gear. If they don't have any available, they'll use their fingers like guns (or Spiderman webs, or whatever - the imaginations they have are incredible!). They run, they climb, they bounce - always on the move. Maybe for your next play date you could take them to the park and let them run wild there. I think it's hard for boys, when they're in a pack, to sit still and be civilized. Just my observation as a mommy of girls!

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My son has lots of gender neutral toys at age 2 1/2. Little people sets, legos and blocks, books. But he also has train sets, cars and trucks, and balls. He has some 'girl" toys too, like a baby doll and a play kitchen. He loves them all, and plays with them pretty equally. Try getting him some trains and tracks. And some cars or trucks of some kind. My son can happily spend hours of his day building train tracks and running the trains around them.

I really don't think toys have much to do with manners or behavior. If I gave my son a toy gun, he wouldn't know what it was, he wouldn't immediately start playing mean with it. But, he does turn nearly every toy he has into a club of some kind. Anything that is a long stick is going to get swung around and be used to hit things. But my son is pretty well-mannered and knows better than to be mean. Not that he doesn't try to chase the dog with the golf club, but he tries to chase it with the baby doll too. I just don't allow him to act like a monster.

Finding playdates with well-behaved boys is going to take some time, and usually it means finding like-minded parents. When you get several boys into a room together, they are going to be active and crazy, but the happy medium is to find the ones that wont be mean or be allowed to trash your house. No little boy should be allowed to slam doors on a toddler. My son would not be allowed to act that way. He might try, but wouldn't get away with it. That all comes down to parenting. Are their parents there when you did these playdates, or did they drop off? If they dropped off, you are the substitute parent and you don't have to allow the behavior. If the parents are there and just aren't saying anything, there is nothing wrong with you speaking up and addressing ALL the children (not just the offender) and saying "We don't play like that in the house please, no throwing please" etc. Your house doesn't have to look like a battle zone just because you had a playdate.

The visiting boys need to be told that unless they behave like nice young men and not wild animals, they won't be allowed to come back to play again. Warn them once or twice, boys do get excited, third time I'd call the parents and ask that they be picked up. Lay down the law when they arrive.

Sorry you are encountering these kinds of boys, I don't think they are typical. Keep trying!

Like it or not...boys ARE nutballs...that's just in their DNA. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean that they can't be gentlemen as well. My son loves guns, fire and all things wild, but he would NEVER slam the door in my daughter's face because he knows it would never be tolerated. You have to set the limits. Summer is nearly here...have the boys play outside...ride bikes, play sports - whatever.

From my perspective, my daughter's playdates have always been easier/calmer/quieter than my son's...I don't think you can expect them to be the same - but in the same vein, you can't deny your son the chance to be himself.

What about Cub Scouts? My son met his best friend there. Most of the families in his Cub Scout troop were very nice and it was an organization where parents and the boys were involved and we got to know the other families. (I don't blame you for wanting to know the families of children he's playing with - any good parent SHOULD know the families of their children's playmates.) Our son has since transitioned into Boy Scouts and though the families are not as involved as they were when he was a cub, I now know the families from the earlier years. Scouting gives the boys a chance to be outdoors, burn off energy and grow up into leaders as well. We've been very pleased with the leadership skills our son is now picking up as a 13 year old.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Good Luck!

P.

My suggestion is to plan playdates so that the kids have something specific to do. You could plan a few activities at your house for when the visiting boy is over or you can plan for the playdate to take place at a nearby playground. I prefer the playground personally. The playground give the kids a lot of room to run around and automatically gives them something to do. And it means that your house isn't a disaster when the playdate is over. Once you've found a child that your son "clicks" with and who you think won't destroy your house, you can have him over to the house for future playdates.

Unfortunately you probably won't find a lot of boys who act like gentleman and play quietly like little girls. It's just not in a boys nature to play quietly and calmly, especially with other little boys. If you can, send them outside to play where they can be loud, explore and act rowdy without potentially hurting your little one through their rough play. Keeping toy guns out of the house won't stop a boy from picking up a stick and pretending it's a gun or a sword. It's part of their nature. I think the toys you have mentioned are all great boy toys. Boys like to do things with their hands and are usually much more physical and tactile learners. My son loves legos, play-doh and action figures.

For some great insight into boys development check out Anthony Rao's "The Way of Boys".

Keep in mind that boys are inherently movers and shakers. They express themselves, and their energy, much differently than girls do. My son seems to be about the same age as yours, and he is a well-mannered kid, BUT he is also very much a boy. This means when he gets with other kids, and not just boys, it's running around, chasing, good vs. bad, etc... There will always be some basic rules (no running inside, no hitting, etc...) but I recognize that it's very hard to get boys to sit still and be involved in something for a very long period of time. The length of time it takes to play a round of Sorry or Connect 4, to be exact!

When my son plays with my neices, he willingly takes part in playing house with the kitchen and the dolls that they have. The girls also willingly play tag and chase and things that are more typically "boy".

I'd say keep up with the playdates, one on one. Do recognize that boys aren't going to stay on one activity for the majority of the time, but you can lay down some ground rules (ie, no new games come out until the legos are put back) that will help. As for them including your daughter (I'm assuming here, you didn't specifically say this) and not shutting her out, let your son and his friend know at the beginning that although they are the friends, they should let his sister play with them if she would like, if that's how you want it to go.

I think the biggest thing to remember is that all boys, just like kids in general, are not the same. Just because your son has a calmer disposition does not mean all boys do,or should, as well. Likewise, just because some of the boys he has recently played with are a little wilder than you are used to does not mean that all boys are like this, or that those who are have bad manners or personalities that are "mean". Keep at it, and eventually you'll find a happy medium between your comfort zone and what (at least in my experience!) typical boy playdates are like.

My son, and his many friends, are gentlemen, to use your word! He has friends from many places--preschool days, religious school, public school--and not one of them is or has been the wild kind of kid you describe. So, have hope. There are less wild boys out there. Somehow, your son needs to find them!

My son loves to play outside, and he loved to when he was your son's age, but he equally loved playing with his trains, his legos, his playsets, his cars, etc. If he likes to play with Legos, then he might love building "sets" for the trains. One of the bets pieces of advice a friend gave me was not to get a table for the train set, but to just let my kids create all over the playroom....and it was something they both loved. I made sure they had a lot of track, and they both enjoyed the creativity of making the train sets...even more so than playing with the trains!

Good luck with all this. I have no doubt your son will find more polite friends, but it may need to be with your help. Maybe you can encourage him to invite over boys in his class (or from other classes in his grade) who are quieter, etc.

Good luck!