Boundaries!!!?? - Payson,AZ

If he wants to be emancipated, have him go out and get a job and support himself. He can be emancipated from his parents when he can afford to support himself. I would not enable him to disrespect his parents. Kick him out. He's bad news.He can be emancipated on the front porch. Emancipation suggests a certain amount of responsibility on the one being emancipated. It shouldn't be that he freeloads off of other people without the constraints of obedience and honor.

Tell the boy that you're sorry, but while your childrens' friends are welcome to come over to hang out and even to spend the night with permission, that it seems that he's friends of both your older son and your younger daughter. Therefore he can't spend the night. Let him know you're not okay with teenage co-ed sleepovers and that's just the house rule! Let him know you're sorry for his home situation and that you hope it works out, but that he can't stay at your place. End of story -you really don't have to do more. Let your kids know the house rules -no co-ed sleepovers, etc.

It might be time to start nudging that 19 year old out the door too. Maybe he and Mr. emancipated minor can get an apartment together.

There is a 17 year old tattooed, bad boy staying in your 16 year old daughter's room??????? Go in there and pull him out by his ear. No really you need to have a conversation with him and your daughter. When I was 16 my friend had a crush on my 15 year old brother. I don't want to freak you out but my friend and brother did hook up when my parent's were fast asleep. I don't know your daughter and her situation with this guy but if he's sleeping on her floor like a puppy dog then there is for sure an urgency for a discussion with one or both of them.

Talk to the boys parents and get their side of the story. I was the mom of the boy who supposedly got Kicked out of his own home. (actually he got mad and left) I figured he'd have to come home eventually as he had no job, no money, no place to live, but a friendly family felt sorry for him and took him in. So he learned the wrong lesson and did not come back apologizing for nearly two years.

oh my. this isn't what i envisioned from the last post at all.
the fact that these kids are just schlepping in and out, and that your daughter is letting boys sleep over in her room without telling you, is completely unacceptable.
yes, you have to lay down some firm ground rules, which include where the kids sleep, what they need to do in order to stay there, how long you'll allow them to stay, and above all, what you expect as far as honesty and responsibility. and that infringement means they're out.
what stands out most to me is that you feel you have to stay up all night to watch the situation. so you don't trust your daughter.
that would be the relationship i'd be focusing on, beyond all the wandering souls. your first and foremost priority needs to be working with her so that you can sleep well at night knowing that she understands the boundaries and can be trusted not to violate them.
why do you feel so helpless?
khairete
S.

You have good boundaries. Keep enforcing them. Call this boys parents and get the straight scoop. And I wouldn't allow him to stay with you even if his parents agree. He has shown that he can't be trusted. There are other organized places who will help him find a place to stay. He should have a list of resources given to him at school. If not call the police non-emergency line and ask for them.

Yes, it's painful when our kids don't respect our boundaries but that does not mean we change them. We stick with them and provide consequences. In this situation he tried to sneak one over on you. The reasonable consequence is that he does not stay with you. You cannot trust him.

You should not have to alter your routine. This is your home and you have the right to be comfortable in it. Do you really want so many young adults taking up space, eating your food, and altering your routine. If not, it's reasonable to tell your older son that he cannot have friends staying with you. Visits are fine but not staying for extended periods of time.

J.:

I realize you are new to the site - welcome!!

It's YOUR HOME. YOUR RULES. If you want to talk with other parents so that they know their kids are at your place - by all means - set those rules.

DO NOT let or allow the kids to rule the roost. If your older children are still living at home? Yeah - they are legally adults - so maybe they should start acting like it and support themselves (in your previous posts - I'm getting the impression the kids are still at home - this is why I say this). If they don't like the rules - they can go get their own place. That simple.

In no way, shape or form, will a girl be allowed to sleep on my son's floor. And when my daughter was younger (she's now 25 and on her own) darned tooting - there were NO BOYS staying the night at our home. PERIOD.

Im confused by your post. Is he staying in your daughter's room? Have you talked to the parents to find out the real situation? If you have a bad vibe about this, I wouldn't let him stay.....protect your family always. There are other resources available for kids that need help such as this. Best wishes and hope I understood your post---not sure.

Oh Honey, this is YOUR HOUSE and it's time your kids got that figured out. You need to sit both of them down and explain that your house is not a revolving door for their friends to come and crash as needed. If they want to have a friend stay over, you have to know the person, know their parents and have their parents permission. And absolutely no opposite sex sleepovers. Do not allow your kids or their friends to take advantage of you!

Are you crazy? You let a BOY you don't know who is "a little on the bad side" lay on the floor of your daughter's room!? My husband would have frog stomped him. I would have called the police. Bottom line it's YOUR house and not your 19 year old son's house. If he can't respect you enough to tell you he is letting a dude sleep in his sisters room maybe he should get his own place.

If he is 'trying' to become emancipated that means he isn't, if he continues to 'stay over' @ your house you could be in trouble for harboring a runaway.

Call his parents & make sure of the situation.

If you don't want to be responsible for this boy then now is the time to let him & YOUR KIDZ know he is NOT allowed to 'crash' @ your house.

As far as the boy sleeping in your DD's room...you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing!

Good Luck!

I have a 16 year old daughter. If your daughter is very well aware that boys cannot sleep over in her room and that you have to know who is in the house, then punishment is in order. If your daughter and son are having people staying in the house and you are not aware that they're there, they may need to not have guests over. I don't care about tattoos, and I'm not sure how you have determined that he "seems a little on the bad side." If he's not respecting your rules, I wouldn't have him over anymore. If he doesn't want to deal with parents, why does he want to deal with you? Have your children given him the idea that there are no rules in your home? Emancipated doesn't mean mooching off of friends and their parents, it means you make your own living and pay your own way.

Isn't your BS meter beeping and lighting about now? Emancipated my foot! As far as you should be concerned, based on what this kid has told you, the kid IS NOT emancipated yet and it's not your responsibility to make sure he's safe off the street. It's his parent's deal until the court says otherwise. Call them to come pick him up, and if they won't take responsibility for their kid, call the police to report a runaway is hiding in your home.

I don't understand why you're letting this kid stay in your home. If you think he and your daughter haven't been doing things, you're really naive! Sounds like your kids have been doing alot of things under your nose and under the influence of this boy. Now they're trying to pull some stuff to see how far they can go before you put your foot down. Don't you have established house rules about guests? Curfew? Just because one child is technically an adult, doesn't mean he shouldn't have rules or curfew. It's your house, not theirs. For your own safety at the very least, you should not let strangers (if you don't know them they're strangers) come and crash in your home because your kids told them its okay. That should be your call.

Furthermore, if the kid were to get emanciapted, are you going to simply just let him squat in your home rent free so he can do your daughter under your nose, and encourage your son to throw his life away, eat you out of the house free of room and board, and basically destroy the order and peace in your home?

Do you know if loser is into drugs or other "activities?" Does he have a record? Access to weapons? A fly off the handle personality? What's wrong with you? You have what is basically a truant, squatter in your home.

What are you going to do if he challenges you or doesn't like what you have to say? If he doesn't respect the authority of his parents, he's not going to respect yours. In fact, he's already disrespectin.'

If you hadn't separated them and been keeping watch you have to know he was planning on having his way with your daughter. He's not your son's friend, he's your daughter's boyfriend. Unless you want to be a grandma and the parent of a third child, kick the kid out. If he doesn't like being at home there are places for troubled kids to go and live

Sadly, I think you let the vampire in and there may be no going back without a terrible fight on your hands. I don't think he's going to be out of your life or your kids' lives anytime soon. Get ready...and be resolved to have a spine and be tough. Hold your own. I predict in the very near future, your DAUGHTER, not your son is going to give you great grief about this one. Don't be surprised if she decides to "get emancipated" so she and the loser can go off together in the sunset. Clearly, there has been sneaking around going on. And it's going to continue.

If you don't want that inevitible headache, play hardball with the kid, because clearly he's up for a battle and isn't going to back down either to his parents or any other authority. If there is something he wants he's going to fight for it. He's a bad influence, get him out of your lives as fast as you can.

I wouldn't allow a rebellious teenager of the opposite sex to sleep in any of my kids rooms.

If he is "rebellious", it means he doesn't want to obey the rules. His parents rules, your rules, society's rules mean nothing to him. If he was "kicked out" of his parents home its because he didn't want to do what he was told by his parents. If he doesn't love and respect his parents enough to obey their rules, then he certanily won't obey your rules.

Are you ready to have this teenage boy and your 16 year old daughter make you a grandma?

The first night he came to my house to crash, I'd have had his parents on the phone so I could have understood what his problem is. His telling you he wants to be emancipated tells you there are tremendous problems with him and between him and his parents. He is "covered with tattos" should be a HUGE red flag. It sounds like he has stepped off the deep end. He is probably bringing illegal drugs into your home too. It goes with the whole picture.

I would find out why my son wants to "hang out" with him. If its because he has pity for this boy, then that's at least one positive. But there are many shelters for this kind of rebellious behavior.

Good luck to you and yours.

Gently tell him he needs to find another place to stay. You are sorry things are not good with his parents, but you aren't able to accomodate him. If you are gentle, but firm, what is he going to say? It's a lot to expect you to just move him in no matter who's room he stays in. It's your home, not your son's. I would refrain from reading him the riot act over finding him in your DD's room, I would just focus on letting him know he needs to move on. You can have a separate conversation with your DD and with your son later. Your kids need to understand your house rules and have a responsibility to make sure they are getting your permission for overnight guests, that guests follow house rules, etc. If your son wants to invite people over at his will for overnights or long term stays, he should move out to his own place. Yes your son is an adult, but he is still choosing to live in your home, so he needs to respect your rules. Putting you in the position of staying up all night to "chaperone" is not acceptable. To the friend, maybe suggest a few resources for troubled teens in your area and invite him to come over for dinner in a few days.

I don't usually miss "bad" extra kids in my home, it doesn't matter what the age. Your daughter thought it would be fine to harbor her runaway boyfriend in her bedroom??? Really, if he were your son's friend exclusively he would have been with your son, with your permission. It truly sounds like your children (mostly adults) don't give you an ounce of respect or maybe they have always run wild. It wouldn't work for my family.

Kick him out. The fact that he is 17 and covered in tattoos, which you have to be 18 to have, says he has no respect for the law. The fact that he has been kicked out of his parents house and wants to be emancipated says he has no respect for is parents ( and doesn't have too much common sense). The fact that he snuck into your house says that neither he or your children have any respect for you and the fact that he was sleeping in your 16 year old daughters bedroom says he has no respect for her.
Take control of this situation and teach them all respect.