Boring Relationship...

Hi N. -- My father-in-law used to say "people fall out of love when they stop doing the things they did when they were in love." I don't know how this would apply to you, but I've found it to be true, and not just in terms of love. People fall out of sobriety when they stop doing the things they did when they were sober. People fall out of contentment when they stop doing the things that contributed to their contentment. Etc, etc.

The other thing is, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! If your husband doesn't want to do those previously fun things you did together, find things to do that will enrich your life that aren't dependent on his participation.

I feel for you and wish you the very best -- L.

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Yikes! This might be a warning sign that there is something deeper going on here. 3 years is too soon for any couple to be "bored." If he needs more spice.. I'd say get dolled up, show up unexpectedly at his office with a picnic lunch, make his male co-workers gawk with their mouths agape, kidnap him for the lunch hour, and finish the unplanned date off with...well you know the old 70's hit "skyrockets in flight...afternoon delight." Make sure to tell him there's more where that came from if he comes home early, and see to it that he's dishevled and discombobulated when he gets back to the office. You need to leave your mark on your territory to get the office kittens and cougars that probably have been stalking him at bay. Face it, no job is that interesting, unless there's someone making it seem interesting.

I agree more date nights, and get aways, but I'm a firm believer a happy husband is also a happy father. If you've been hogging up the kids, and not coming up with good action packed family adventures, you need to step up the weekend calander and start filling it up with memory making fun for you, dh, and kids too.

Your goal should be to make the home warm and inviting, to make your husband find crazy, loud kids something he looks forward to, and a sensuous loving wife at night something worth dumping his co-workers and whoever else for the night.

Have an honest talk with him, and find out why he feels this way. Is it just a slump? Depression? Or is he thinking he's wanting a break from it all together. Maybe you need something too? Are you feeling this way? Perhaps you need a makeover, or something to energize you and get your creative side flowing. Get creative. If refocusing your "wife" game doesn't work, I'd suggest counseling.

Whatever you do, just have fun as you plan on where to take things, be a good listener to your husband and make applicable changes to his needs, and good luck.

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I have been married for about 6 years now with 2 daughters 5 & almost 2. The first 5 years my husband and I were really not connected as a couple. We have since started going to marriage counseling and have learned a couple of things to do. First, we have a date night every weekend (if we can find a babysitter). We have gone to the $2 theater, bowling, bike riding, walk around the lake, etc... They do not have to be expensive dates, just time for each other outside of family life. The second thing that we learned to start doing is at the end of each night, we let each other know what we appreciated that the other one had done for that day. Like taking out the trash, or staying home with the kids while the other was working, etc.. This helped us concentrate on the positives vs the negatives. This has helped us a lot and we have just started enjoying our marriage and family life together. Good luck.

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Every once in a while I need to remind myself that...my children will grow up and move on...however my husband is my life long partner. So, even though our children are very important to us, our partner needs to have priority on a regular basis as well. Start slow - once a month - and put it on the calendar. Whether you just put the kids to bed early, or get a babysitter, it doesn't matter, as long as you are spicing things up a bit.

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My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs now. We make sure we spend at least one day a week together, with the kids or not. We enjoy going to the golf course, I'm not very good, but we still have fun. (there is a lot of teasing and laughing going on.)

We make sure that we kiss each other before leaving the house, when we get home, before we go to bed, or just when we get up to go take a shower in the evening.

I always make sure to ask him about his day, he usually stands in the kitchen while I make supper so that he can tell me how his day went, it really helps him to talk to somebody that isn't there all day with him. One of the most important things we do together as a family is to sit down at the table for dinner and reconnect. We all sit down together and talk about what went on in our lives during the day, the kids get to tell about school and their friends and any problems they might be having.

Another thing I do is I call him at least once a day at work, I also ask him how his day had gone so far. He is so used to it that if I get busy and don't call him, he'll call me. I've learned to except it if he has to put me on ignore because he's busy, but he ALWAYS calls me back when he's able to.

Every evening we make sure to spend at least any hour sitting in our chairs and watching TV together, sometimes I will play on my laptop or read a book, but we are in the same room and we talk or just enjoy what is in the tube.

One of the most important things to do, is say "I love you!!" do it often.

My husband likes to touch me, when we are out together we sit next to each other, he either runs his hands through my hair or has his hand on my leg. I like to put my arm around his chair and rub his back. We are always connected that way.

I hope you two can find some medium ground, let him know your really need him at home, that you miss him when he's not around. My husband will tell me that he misses me if he has to work long hours and we don't get to see each other a lot. I really do miss my husband too.

You don't have to do anything that is expensive, just be there for each other, it takes two to make a relationship work. If there is something you don't like, tell him! Don't expect him to figure it out on his own. Communication is one of the keys to making it work!

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I know it may sound cheesy, but have you tried date night, or joining a bowling league or anything? Life with children can consume most of your time, so you have to make time for each other and focus on each other. By doing a date night, you get to be who you were before you were married! Hope this helps. I have been married for almost five years, and we still have a good time with each other. Still there are the moments when its boring, but you have to make the most of what you have! Good Luck!

I have been married for almost 26 years and yes at times it does get boring. Marriage is full of ups and downs, happy times and not so happy times. If your husband thinks that it should always be fun and exciting he will be disappointed through out the marriage. If he thinks that spending more time at work is more exciting, then he is using the marriage as an excuse to hide in his job. He sounds like a work-aholic like my husband.

Some of the things I did while the kids were small to give us alone time is to put them to bed early, 7 or 7:30pm since they also had to be up really early for school. Even when they were small they were in bed no later then 8pm. It gave my husband and I time to cuddle on the couch or to watch TV alone. It was really good for our marriage since it is so important to have that alone time. When my husband started working out of town during the week, I still kept the kids in their bedtime routines so I had time alone to read, sew or visit with friends on the phone. Another thing we did was try to go camping with another couple who's children were close to our kids ages. We had dinner with them a lot and had them over also. It gave us all a bit of social time.

My son and his wife doesn't have much money and they don't waste what they have on cable so there isn't much they get on TV since there are no local channels in this little town. They do have a WII that he got for his birthday and they play Wii together. My granddaughter is almost 2 and she gets one of the remotes for a TV or DVD and plays along with them, so she thinks. They also play a lot of different board games and some card games. They do puzzles together and anything they can for cheap entertainment.

Tell your husband that each of you are going to be responsible for every other week to make a plan to do something fun, cheap and family oriented. It can be a picnic in the park, going swimming at the local pool or making a snowman out in the yard during the winter. Have a date night at least once a month.

Excitement isn't just your responsiblity.

well, get family or friends to swap babysitting with you, and get out for a day, a night, a weekend... do things you used to do when you were dating. or just drive. men like to talk while they drive. they dont have to have eye contact LOL.

this is very very common. heres a very important idea to realize. it works better before your are married, but it can certainly be put into play NOW! NEVER EVER EVER let the D-word be a part of your mind, vocabulary... anything. dont even think it. what i mean by that is, no matter how boring, no matter how hard it seems to figure out how to get the spark back, never let that word be a part of the answer. it isnt the answer.

heres the second thing and let me be blunt, i hope you arent offended.

if you want excitement back in your relationship, do it.
just do it.
i dont know what that would mean to you. maybe its a change in how you greet your husband when he comes home. do you kiss each time one of you leaves and arrives? that should be a must. you could add a love tap, whisper something in his ear, compliment him! men LOVE to feel like they are a hero to their wives! tell him something he does that you appreciate!

and third; buy this book "the proper care and feeding of husbands"
http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...
looks like you can get it slightly used for around 0.74 cents. (and whatever shipping is)

i loved this book, and it helped me change MY thinking. if i want my marriage to improve, it isnt all things my husband is doing wrong. what am I doing to make my marriage great. what am I thinking that destroys our bond?

its very very good.
glad you are asking for help on this. i definatly think this book will change your life. the author has a no nonsense way of cutting through the bs and telling you like it is. its awesome.

anyway, good luck

OUCH, that hurts! Boring...what the heck, most marriages are boring at one time or another. To actually let the words downward spiral leave your lips at 3 years is hurtful. It sounds like the initial thrill of the hunt is dying down. I would start by concentrating on you and your interests. Go out and buy some new clothes, get a new hair cut, take an art class. Just get busy figuring out who you are and what makes you happy. Don't be desperate, but don't let him walk out either.

I would suggest having a family night once a week. Where everyone has to be home no matter what and you all do something fun. Play games and do things at home, go to the beach and if you have extra money maybe all go out. Then possibly once a month or so have parent's night. Get a sitter and go out, don't talk about the kids and just have a good time. My husband and I take our daughter for a walk almost every night. This is our time together to get back in touch with the reason we're together. This has really helped our relationship to get better since we had our baby.

A lot of people have said get a babysitter and I agree. It's expensive, but well worth the money. You and your husband need some alone time. We have date night once a month, but we also do indoor date night where I put the kids to bed early and then my husband and I have dinner together, a bottle of wine, and watch a movie. We love these evenings. You feel like your out on a date but without the expense.
Also, think about what you used to do before you had kids and start doing them again. We still go on hikes, walks, bike rides, and rollerblading. We can't go as far and long as we used to, but at least we still do the things that we like. We also just went camping with the kids and everyone had a blast.
Having kids doesn't mean you have to do a complete 180 with your life. You just need to learn how to immerse them into what you already love doing.
It's also a good idea if you and your husband each have your own individual activities that you can do seperately. For example, my husband loves fishing so he goes by himself once a week. I go to book club 1-2 times a month plus I work out 2 times a week. It's important to do things as a family, things with just you and your husband, and also things independently.
Good luck.

Date each other again...go for walks, hold hands, write each other letters, set aside time together in the early morning before the kids are up or in the evening after the kids are in bed. Even if you are tired or busy or whatever, if you want your marriage to work, you need to find ways to connect with each other. It is work, and you both have to do it, but it is worth it.

Do you have a friend or family member who can take the kids for an overnight. You and your husband can have date night at home. Try to schedule at least one per month. It doesn't even have to be at night. Get someone to watch the kids on a Saturday afternoon and go for a walk with hubby.

When you do this date, try not to talk about the kids.

N.,

You two need to get out together. My husband and I go on dates 3-4 times per month. If cost is an issue, there are ways around it. We usually swap babysitting with another couple so we don't have to pay for a sitter. I am a "mystery shopper" so we often don't have to pay for dinner, either. I hunt for "buy one entree, get one free" restaurant coupons and have even come across "buy one ticket, get one free" at movie theatres. You can also just go on walks or out to ice cream together. Or golfing, on a paddleboat, fishing, wandering through Walmart, anything.

If you can swing it, have the kids stay with relatives, friends or neighbors and get away. If you can't go for long, drive into downtown for dinner and a night at a nice hotel. If you can go for long, go on a cruise or another fun vacation together. We have had 4 kids in 6 years and we always take a "second honeymoon" in between new additions to the family. My favorite was a week long adventure to New York City.

On a daily basis, make sure those kids get to bed before you are too exhausted to move. Make sure there is either time every evening or every morning together, just the two of you. You can also pick up a hobby together. It can be anything. My husband and I like to read the same books and discuss them or introduce new favorite songs to each other. Sometimes we like to work out together, lifting weights, walking or sit up contests. If you are going to make it for the long haul, you have to be the best of friends.

Good luck,
S.

get a sitter, go to dinner and do something that you used to do when dating- movies, dancing, karaoke- I remember working tons of hours because it kept me from being at home- NOT a good place for your marriage to go.

I get in that mom mentality sometimes too. What you sound like you need is a weekend alone with your husband occassionally. Also sometimes if you can get a walk alone and do some hand holding and cuddling. You need to take time out of your busy lives to just be with each other. Your hubby also needs to understand that the 2 of you are also responsible for others who need you and love you. Your hubby needs to understand if he is always at work you are exhausted by the time he gets home and are not in the mood. Maybe if he helps out a bit it will relieve some stress from you and your relationship will get its second wind. Most of all talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and what you need from him. It will help your relationship trmendiously. Good luck. I hope this helps.

P.S. you may want to try to send him to work with a little love note sometimes or maybe show up at his work for a lunch break? Pack him a luch with a sexy nighty in it to entice him for later? There are so many little things that can make a big diference.

Hi N.
You have gotten some good advice. You can get a book called dates on a dime. It has ideas for free dates all the way to 20 dollar dates. You really need to make time to make him feel special or someone else may and you dont want that can you send the kids to grandma's for a night so you can start to reconnect. then you need to get all dressed up for him and make it a big deal maybe you can find a nittie you haven't worn in a while to start to spice things up again. Good Luck

You need to plan a few dates. My hubby and I occasionally go through these stages and getting out and doing things we used to do is always a reminder of why we love each other. Think about what you guys did pre-kids and get back to a few of those things. Also...for us, nothing worked better than going to the bar, getting kind of drunk together and making out in the car of the parking lot afterwards to spice things up. Flirt again and don't worry about the kids while you're out...relax and concentrate on just the 2 of you, at least for an evening. :)

About time he grew up!

You both have children, things do get into a 'boring' routine, its life and marriage. Its about working though them, its not forever.

Above answers WHY do people assume that others are able to have family to help out, have the children. We have been married for nearly 15 years. My husband and I have not been out together on our own for over 10 years. We have NO family to help out, and we dont have any spare money for babysitters!

Do find some time to talk - not always easy if children dont settle for the nigth ... maybe get out as a family and have a picnic, and hopefully children will go off and play so that you can talk, have a cuddle away from home etc ...

You can get though it, but he does NEED TO GROW UP!

What did you do when you were dating???Walk threw the park??Hit the beach??Watch a movie???Yea you are at the 3 year dull..(I have been married 7) It gets BETTER...Just don't loose touch...It will come back IF you keep it flowin...

get a baby sitter once a month and take turns planning a date night. You need to invest in your marriage, with both time and money if necessary. There are a ton of free things you can do as a couple or a family. Take the time and energy to keep your relationship going. You, your husband and your kids deserve it.

Put your kids to bed early and plan a date night in...buy a special dinner and play games. It takes time and creativity. Tell him to get his butt home!!

Have you considered a date night?? Or hooking up with other families with kids in similar age that you guys can spend time with together? Maybe go camping on the weekends? It is never to early to take the kids camping and it isn't that expensive? Good luck!!!

Hey N., First of all, I applaud you for recognizing the need for change and for reaching out for help. I'm pretty sure every marriage goes through this from time to time (I know my husband and I have experienced it!) Do you have anyone who can watch the kids while you two go out and do something simple i.e. go watch Improv in the Park (free) at Lake Harriet or just go get an ice cream and take a nice long walk? What I try to do when we get a rut is try to think about the things we used to like to do when things were "fun." I also try to put myself aside (hard to do-I'm very selfish!) and think of things I know my husband likes, even if it's something I don't enjoy or would rather not do (i.e. my husband adores foot rubs, so I'd offer him one, or I'll make his favorite dessert). Somehow that starts the spiral the other way and all of a sudden he's going out of his way to do things for me. Hang in there; marriage is not always a piece of cake, but it's about commitment, and working through these things pays off, for you and for your kids. I'm no veteran myself (only been married for 4 years) but I've been blessed to have long-term married couples as friends and have learned a lot from them. I hope this helps.

Everybody laughs at that 50's article about what to do when your husband gets home (make sure the kids are quiet, put a bow in your hair, etc...), but there is some truth to it. Granted, we are no longer in that era, but your home should be a sanctuary and some place your husband wants to be instead of at work. Are you wearing sweats and/or a baggy T-shirt when your husband comes home? I'm not always dressed--sometimes I have been cleaning all day and don't have a chance, but I try to make sure I look nice when he comes home. We have our time together in the morning. We are just too tired at night. I get up with him in the morning (usually around 4:30) and we catch up on things. Sometimes I just put on a pair of stockings......:-)
You can't get complacent and just give up. At least you have recognized that something needs to be done--now you just have to do it.

Good luck...

Plan a date night every week. This could be going out for an inexpensive dinner and a movie, or staying at home and having a simple dinner, pizza, pick-up something at a deli, arrange with the grandparents or a neighbor to take the kids overnight. You can take the neighbor kids also so those parents can have a date night, on a differrent night. Plan a weekend getaway--you can stay at a hotel in town.
Mentality go back in time and remember what attracted you to your husband and tell him what it is that you love about him. I know this is the wrong time of year and may sound silly but get a box or two of the kid type valentines and leave them where he will find them --one a day or so. His sock drawer, lunch box or breif case, steering wheel, top of the visor in his car. It will let him know that you are thinking of him and still love him.
Take a class together, dancing, first aide/CPR, cooking, sculpting, martial arts, what ever interests both of you.
The key is to take you both back to what attracted you in the first place and find that attraction again.

How about couple friends? We are on the tail end of that same type of situation and I have been thinking that has helped. The problem with us is most of our couple friends don't have kids so sometimes our ideas of fun (or realistic fun) are a bit different : )
But it has been a great way to gradually start to enjoy each other again without the pressure of one-on-one time.

Oh and it is a phase as long as you recognize it and are proactive.

A.

I am sorry, but does your husband not understand that when you have babies, that it is a family thing now and not just a "newleywed thing" anymore. Is, you do need to have a "date" night with JUST the two of you once in a while but it does worry me that he is the one saying that your relationship is going down hill and then spends all the time he can at work, is he really at work???

One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me, when hubby and I were first married was this, "remember how much fun you two had with each other before you got married? Don't let that spark die. Plan at least one night a week that just the two of you doing something together." We've been doing that for the past 30 years. So take the advice of all of us and plan on at least one evening a month, to start out with, and go out on a date. Go have ice cream somewhere, or a small dinner. If hubby is too tired, met him at his work, and go for a picinic in a park. If he works late, the have a candle light supper in his works parking lot, using the hood on one of the cars as your table. What ever you decide to do, just do it.

My husband and I (together for 10 yrs) have recently felt some of those same things in our relationship. To help combat that we:

1) Started going on dates once a month -- yes a little expensive, but if you plan right all month you can put money away

2) Before heading to work (once twice a month) we go get a bagel at our local coffee shop -- or we switch it up and go out to dinner early before we pick up the kid from daycare

3) After the kid is in bed we play a game (cards, scrabble, or anything) -- it gives us time to talk and catch up and we are still doing something to interact

4) Call each other -- just to "check-in" -- once or twice a day. It helps us stay connected and on top of things that need to get done.

Good Luck!

Do you have someone close to babysit for a few hours or take the kids for a weekend? Plan a "Date Night", it doesn't have to costly, but it would get you together for awhile without the kids. Fix a romantic meal or any kind of meal at home, rent a movie and just relax. Go online or check with friends, family or neighbors and see if they know of somewhere that is not expensive that you and hubby go to for a weekend. If this works, then plan a day or weekend with the kids that you do some fun activities. It just might be what you both need.

Hubby & I have been married for 34 years and we do get bored, but, we go for a ride on the motorcycle or just go shopping, not buy anything and then maybe stop for a hot dog or ice cream.

Through my own personal experience, I would be concerned about what he is actually doing at work. Can you get a sitter and pop in on him at work? Both for fun and to check up on him.
You could show up in a trench coat and high heels! Only he will know there is nothing underneath, hehe. That should keep him from being bored. (of course, you should leave work before you play, work tends to frown on quickies there, lol)
My mom gave me a fun little book and it has games to play, but if your husband is shy he wouldn't want to play them.
You go to a hardware store and try to get the employees to say certain phrases like "No chainsaw is approved safe for a 4 year old!"

Tired or not, I would suggest making night time fun time. If he doesn't know what you are going to do and when you are going to do it, he'll want to be home.

I'm sure lots of moms will send you ideas of things to do for fun - but I will suggest two excellent books that will reinvigorate your relationship from it's foundation. Fun is subjective - what may interest one doesn't interest another. But healthy relationships are not built on fun, they are built on committment and perseverance. Check out The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott and The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. Read them in tandem, and then discuss them while taking long walks, on coffee dates or sitting by the lake - anywhere relaxing where you and your husband can listen to each other and feel safe to share freely. I guarantee if you do, your marriage will be revived. (P.S. Say a prayer for the blessing of good communication before you start - it helps!)

SAHM of seven, married happily (though not w/o bumps in the road!) for 27 years to my best friend - through plenty and want, cross-country moves and babies, successful and disrupted adoptions, job instability, family deaths and a son in the USMC. Circumstances to not dictate a healthy marriage - patience and determination do!

try reading a couples devotion together. I would recommend Sheet Music by Leman. My husband and i did this and it has really helped us reconnect. Good luck with everything!

If he is the one that is bored ask him for suggestions on something fun to do. I'm sure there are a few things that you both enjoy. I have no idea what those might be, but I have faith that you can figure it out. Go see a movie, rock climbing, hiking, visit a museum, create a work of art, smoke a joint...whatever your thing it. And do it childless if you can. Take a few days a month and make it about just your husband and have your husband take a few days a month to make it just about you.

My hubby and I were married nearly 9 years before our 1st child. We got to a "dull" point before children.

Have you thought of going on dates, having the kids stay overnight with someone else, adult toys, calling him at work and "talking naughty", etc.?

Some worked for us, some didn't....