Borderline Divorce

I would recommend that you take over paying the bills. If you do not already have a program like Quicken or MS Money on your computer, you can buy one online to keep track of your family's finances. Then, give your husband an allowance. I know that sounds demeaning, but if he is putting your financial well-being at risk, it will be worth it for him to go on a "financial diet." And it is worthwhile for you to know exactly where you stand in terms of debt. Please remember that if your husband has run up credit card debt or has fallen behind on any payments, that will be your shared responsibility if you divorce. We live in a no-fault divorce state, after all.

I think the smartest thing you can do is take control of this situation yourself. Once you know what debts you owe as a family, you can set up a budget and stick to it. Take away your husband's ATM and credit cards and give him cash. Maybe he will need to take his lunch to work instead of eating out. Maybe you'll need to cancel some of the non-essentials (cable tv, eating in restaurants, etc). But you'll be better off knowing exactly where you stand and why there's no money left over at the end of the month. Also you may find that your husband is relieved to give up control of this - it sounds like he's not a great money manager so I can't imagine he truly enjoys being in charge of the family finances.

Good luck. I just went through this exact same thing - I thought my husband was responsibly managing our finances, but was shocked to discover that he was not. Come to find out he didn't even know how to balance a checkbook! I couldn't believe it. I'd given up control of our finances when our oldest child was born (husband had more time to deal with it at the time). Huge mistake! I'm back in control now but it will take a while to fix the mess we're in. Live and learn!

A book I found helpful and easy to read about managing finances was "The Wealthy Barber." You may want to pick up a copy from the library (or I can send you mine, let me know).

Best of luck to you.

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I wouldn't destroy my children's home over a manicure. There are ways that you can be serious with your husband without ruining your kids' lives. Maybe there is a lot more to your story - I'm just going by what you decided to write.

Good luck,
M.

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It's great that you've got your faith and all but prayer is not going to teach your husband fiscal responsibility. There are financial counselors that can help. This would probably be a good first step. I would also go into couples counseling (perhaps through your church).

Also when you talk to your husband about this don't say that his spending means you can't get a manicure. That just makes you sound selfish and pampered. Instead bring up how his spending is destroying the family budget and the things you really need rather than frivolous extras.

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T.,
If you get a divorce you may regret it for the rest of your life. Believe me when I tell you, the children will suffer the most. Spend the money on a counselor, not an attorney. The VERY least you can do is give him a choice. Be ready for the answer though...Imagine the world without him in it for you and your kids. AND, if your husband isn't good with money now, what makes you think he'll be responsible enough to support the children and you later?
If it's only about the money, get a job. PLEASE know I don't mean this in a scolding way. And, don't use the children as an excuse. There are things you can do from home -- like watch other people's children, on-line virtual assistant, dog sitter, pick-up the Penny Saver and start using some imagination.
Not having money and going through the same argument is absolutely messed up. But, explaining your lack of imagination and ambition to your children will become harder and harder.
NO one says it's easy. But, if you're only lacking little things for yourself like a manicure (get serious!), then you'll only need a little more money - earn it.
Btw, my best guess is you could use the adult interaction and re-focus of energy anyway...Good luck.

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Divorce is a very extreme solution to you money problems, unless there is more going on in your marriage you did not mention. Are your "mandatory" bills getting paid (utilities, house/rent, car, food, etc)? Is it money for "frills" that you are seeking? My ex-husband was very controlling over his paycheck, though that is not the reason for our divorce over 30 years ago. He made sure all the household bills were paid, but I had no access to anything leftover. That money he spent on his own whims feeling that since he earned it, it was his to spend as he pleased. Selfish, yes. Deal breaker, not necessarily. If it's manicures and such that you seek, get a part-time job and pay for those things yourself. Many men don't understand a women's desire to have maicures, even regular hair cuts (my current husband included, though he would never deny me the right). I would try to engage your husband in a conversation about where the money goes and why. Of course, getting into a fight about it will serve no purpose, so try to keep the conversation rational and calm. Of course, if necessary household bills aren't getting paid, that is another matter and one that definitely needs to be resolved.
Divorce should be your last resort. It is a horrible process, even when you're on friendly terms with your spouse. The process seems to bring out the worst in people and is really hard on children. It can also be quite an expensive and time consuming process, especially if your husband refuses to cooperate. I would suggest marriage counseling before going through divorce and, in fact, your divorce attorney may suggest it. Of course, if you should decide to take this route, I can recommend at great attorney who specializes in divorce where children are involved. She handled my son's custody battle quite well. I'd love to hear how it all works out so write back when you decide on a course of action. I truly hope it all works out for you and your family.
L.

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Think of the kids first before you do anything. Sounds like not only is your husband selfish, so are you talking about a manicure for yourself. Money issues can be resolved. Kids going through a divorce and having a feeling of insecurity and all kinds of other issues can have a lasting affect in their lives. Consider them first and not yourself and your manicure.

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You will only be poorer after you divorce. If money is your only issue with your husband (but I know it's a big one) you may want to reconsider. Statistically people are way poorer after divorce, especially the woman. And raising kids on your own is REALLY HARD! And then someday you will find another guy and have all kinds of issues with him as the stepparent of your kids. And your kids will have issues coming from a broken home.

Try harder to work this out. The grass will probably NOT be greener. Have you tried to take control of the finances? How about a financial counselor? Your husband obviously is not skilled in this area.

This subject is on the Today show right now, and he's saying use a financial program like Quicken to track your finances day to day to see where your money is going. Find out where you can slash your spending. They say people usually marry their financial opposite. On credit cards, get low interest rates. Most people, they say, have not made the phone call to lower their interest rate. (I'm typing as I'm listening.) Don't miss payments. If you make minimum payments on a credit card on average it takes 30 YEARS to get out of debt. Pay off cards in full every month. The average couple wastes $10 a day on nothing, he calls it the latte factor.

Ok, that segment ended.

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Have you told your husband that you are considering divorce? Have you asked him to go to counseling with you? If he won't go to counseling, you can go alone or see if he will even go to a financial counselor that will maybe help set up a budget.

You married for better or worse... I know it is not a good situation right now and you just want it to stop but I suggest getting a professional counselor involved first, second and third. Maybe start with a financial counselor or join a budget class together. Find a creative way to make it his idea and he will be interested. I have seen several marriages go through tough storms (drugs, affairs and money trouble) and still make it to their 30+ year anniversary. Hang in there and trust in God.

Get to a marriage counselor right away. You need to find out what he is spending the money and how money is spent is a joint decision no matter who is earning it. Is he gambling? Purchasing unnecessary things for himself? Spending the money is the result of a bigger problem and counseling should help that get figured out.

God bless and good luck.

Dear T.,

COMMENTS AFTER YOUR COMMENTS: I am so happy you have a job I am doing the "DANCE OF JOY". You really did make yourself sound a bit more "helpless and pathetic" then you really are. Now I understand that you don't go get a manicure because you don't feel like you can or should.

Although you are having a difficult time now, I can assure you that it would be so much worse if you were unemployed.

I don't recommend that you stop paying the bills, that could ruin your credit. I do recommend that you sit down and talk to your husband about everything that's on your mind. Write it all down. Not a complaint list, not a wish list--make a list of what it takes to run your home and take care of your family. List what you do and pay for from your wages. List what he does and what he pays from his wages . Then make a list of the changes you want in your life. He should do the same. This should be done before you ever sit down together.

If he refuses, makes fun of you, then you have an first pass answer. Act on that...then give him a second chance to revise his answers....(perhaps a third chance)...It can be simple...He's in for the long hall and shared responsibility or he isn't. If he isn't then you decide DOORMAT OR NOT!

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Does your husband pay the bills, (house payment, utilities, phone, cable, etc.), and buy the groceries before he spends all the money? If not, you need a lot more then a manicure! If yes, you still need to declare your independence.

Prayer does work, but you also have to make a plan. I don't recommend divorce as the first unless; your husband is abusive to you or your children. If you need to leave your home, there are shelters where you can go with your children. There will be counselors there and they can probably help you with a lawyer. If your husband is a selfish as you say, he will probably have to be forced to pay support---that’s O.K., you don’t have to force him, and the courts can do that.

You have been putting up with your husband’s selfish behavior for many years now. You know him better then anyone else. What are the chances that he will change? If he is faced with the possibility of losing his family, will he react with remorse or violence?

Once you are settled and less stressed out, I suggest you get a job. I don’t know what your skill set is, but there are resources in the area that can help get you started.

Keep praying, have faith and take action today.

PS…When you get your first paycheck…GO GET A MANICURE girl!

Hi T.,
Don't know if this will help, but my husband's boss told him at the end of may that they couldn't afford to keep paying him(self-contacter)...so my husband decided to just keep working for him for free till the boss has the money to pay him...so we now have $11,000 of credit card debt!
Good luck, but I wouldn't get a divorce over it if your husband has other good qualities. Do you know what he spends the money on? If it beer and prostitutes, go for the divorce.
If it's a gambling addition- he needs help. If it's games/toys for himself, he is selfish and you should publicly shame him in an open email to your family and friends with him cc'd.
Hang in there!
-W.

Get your husband and even you to read the book by Dave Ramsey called "Total Money Makeover". It works, it is not what people do nowadays, but before we had credit cards this is how people lived and they did not get into trouble. What you have not got you cannot spend. Good luck!

T.,

What does he spend the money on? Does he have an addiction to gambling or alcohol? Since I don't know the whole situation, its hard to tell,but maybe he has a problem that he can get help for. I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what you are considering. He may be brushing it off like your not serious-- I would tell him how serious you are and give examples of why you are so upset. Ask him if he's willing to meet with a counselor together. Then go from there.

I wish you the best!

M.

You are a right to be frustrated, you do.

Have you ever listened to NewLifeLive http://www.newlifelive.tv/ or read the book called "Boundaries".... this is where I started and have found huge help in handling the differences in our marraige and the selfishness, too.

R.

This is a tough one becuase I feel like some info might be left out, do you work? What is he spending money on? Do you handle the bills at all? Is his money going to beer or mortgage. My advice if you want a manicure, cute jeans or whatever else work part time so you can have fun money. If you do get a divorce can you handle the financial aspect? Money is a big deal!

T. You have received excellent advice below, so I won't add much but I do have a kick-butt counselor - if you'd like her name and contact info. If you want to see change, this woman will get you to the doorstep and you and your husband just need to decide whether or not to walk through. Be ready for tough questions and no nonsense, though. Sometimes the questions are tougher than you might be ready for...Let me know if you are interested - I am at work right now and the contact info's at home. Best!

You don't mention if the bills are getting paid or there is enough food in the house. Also you don't mention if you are working outside the home. If so, can't you pay for your own manicure? I think even if you are not getting a paycheck but there is food on the table and the bills are getting paid then you should be able to go without a manicure for a while. I just had our baby last October and have chosen to stay home with her since her birth. My fiance is the one that is working hard to carry most of the financial burden so I can do this so for the time being if there is not enough extra money for a manicure I do my own nails. As a matter of fact I haven't been to the nail salon since just before our baby was born. If he is blowing his entire paycheck putting your family in dire straights...that is one thing, but if he is working hard and then spending some on the weekends to reap some small reward for his hard work, then I say let the man be. Divorce over the lack of manicures seems trivial and I wouldn't recommend you putting your children through the pain of divorce if this is the heart of the issue.

"Couples Communication Class" saved my marriage.
You can find it at Kaiser.

I have a brother in-law who liked to spend money all the time and my sister balanced the checkbook. Until the day she got tired of trying to figure out where the money was going to come from to pay the bills. So, to teach him a lesson, she just stopped paying the bills and stopped being in charge of balancing the checkbook. Let go of the responsibility and let him have it. Do not stress about it.

Wow! I'm amazed at some of the advice you have been given. Marriage is supposed to be a team effort. Sit down with him and tell him how much money you need from his side to contribute to the bills, management of the house, savings for rainy days and care of the children. Once he has paid his share let him do what he wants with the rest. HOWEVER! The same goes for you. If you are having to bare the brunt of the expenses, then I would do a trial separation. Get your name off of things that way you aren't held financially liable except for the things that are yours. If the bills are getting paid then that is the important part. Not sure if you have a joint account or separate, but I would separate the accounts so that he can't, as you say, blow your money too. Some people are smart with money and others aren't. My fiance is NOT smart with money and I am... so I will be doing most of the bill paying.
I can understand your frustration. However, remember you married this man for richer or poorer... we just never think that we will be poor. Try counseling... credit counseling...or a separation first. If they don't work then by all means do as you see fit. Good luck to you! :)