Bonding Issue

Why are you marrying a man who hasn't made an effort to bond with your son and become a family? If he hasn't, he isn't his step-dad, he's YOUR fiancée. You aren't becoming a family, you're making your son an item that happens to come with you into your marriage, like an old couch or a set of dishes.
Please don't do that to your son. Reexamine your fiancée and this relationship.

A fiance is not a step dad until after the wedding.
I can't imagine putting my son through the misery of living with a man who doesn't love him and isn't interested in being an involved father figure in his life.
You've got a lot of raising to do yet.
Date the guy if you want to but no living together and keep your boyfriends separate from your son.
Time to break off the engagement.
Blending families isn't easy but you and your son are a package deal - no one should be able to come between you.

My heart is breaking for your son.

I hope you don't marry a man that can't get along with a 5 yo.

I think all the adults should start acting like adults. Personally, if someone I was considering spending my life with treated my son like this, it would give me pause. What happens if y'all have kids? Will your son be the unwelcomed person of the house?

I think you need to slow things down and get everyone into family counseling. If you don't, this will not end well.

I'm going to be full on blunt here, so sorry if this comes off harsh:

As the child of a mother who married and divorced multiple times, I will tell you that if you love your son, you will end your relationship with this man - who is NOT your son's "step dad" - because this man is NOT interested in your child. This is not going to change.

WHY did you get engaged to this man? This behavior isn't new, apparently.

Seriously, how can you say to yourself "well, he doesn't bond with my son, but I 'love' him, so maybe it'll change. My son will just have to deal."

It is YOUR job as YOUR son's mom, to love and protect your child. If your not going to do it, give your ex full custudy so he can be with someone who loves him.

I have to ask why people get into relationships, when they have children, with people who do not have any interest in forming the relationship with the child. Seriously. You are a PACKAGE DEAL.

I hate when people say the kids come first and if they have a tantrum you should just give in. On the other hand you son doesn't appear to be having a tantrum. Kids don't always act in their best interests and that is why they have parents. Parents are supposed to act in their child's best interests.

That means you have to actually figure out what is best for your son even if you don't think that is best for you. Kids are good at picking up on things that parents don't want to see. If your son was a teen I would feel different but at five kids are a damn good judge of character and they tend to love everyone.

So based just on this post it sounds like your fiance is the issue. Perhaps he is one of those guys that loves the women but doesn't really ever want kids. Don't know, but you need to listen better to your son because your fiance sounds like a dud

i couldnt imagine my 5 year old holing up in his room after school. I would tell my "fiance" that he better put a better effort into the relationship with your son or it's not going to work. I would be sad if my 10 and 8 year old holed up in their rooms. I want them down and being part of the family as much as possible. You better rethink the relationship with the "fiancee" If not can his bio dad get sole custody? That isnt a house that the child needs to be in.

So you are gonna gain a husband and lose a son?

I agree with the others to put the breaks on the wedding plans.

How long have you and fiancé been together?

Fiancée needs to step up or get out. Your son needs a mother.

I would never marry a man like that.

Are you already living together? This fiancé is not your child's step dad until you are married to said fiancé.

Some people have a big issue with living together before marriage. In that respect, if NO children are involved... I have no problem with it and I lived with my hubby about a year before we married 27 years ago.

HOWEVER, NO child should be in a situation that is not stable and should not be thrown into a new housing situation unless there is a MAJOR commitment with the parent and his/her spouse.. (marriage).

Your fiancé sounds like an a$$ and sounds like he is living with you for one thing only since he could care less about your child. I'd kick him to the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. NO ONE treats my child that way.

You do realize that your child is going through hell because he knows there is no way that his dream of mom and dad being together forever is real. He loves you and he loves his dad and now he is forced into a situation where he is expected to love and obey a fiancé who could care less about him and his bio dad is none to happy about the situation as well.

Believe me, your son knows it, and he sees that you have priority of your fiancé over him. Pretty sad.

Why would you continue to consider a life with some person who will not bother to get to know or interact with your child?

I know that divorces happen and children get thrown for a loop. I am one of them. HOWEVER, I am a firm believer that children should be priority of the parents. Some parents worry too much about finding another partner to shack up with and bed each night.

Read your own question and you see the help you need... Focus on your child. This is not all about you. You brought this child into the world, he deserves stability and unconditional love from both parents.

I am not saying never remarry.... just stop focusing on you for the moment and think about your child.

I am appalled that someone would actually stay in a relationship with someone who is that way to their child. Is the sex SO good that you forget that this is not all about you anymore?

I hope this is a fake post and I pray for your little boy.

Why would you stay with a man who has no interest in your son?

Why would you still consider marrying a man who has no interest in becoming a step-father?

Can you see that this man is not a good candidate for being a husband and step-father?

Do some real soul-searching here. Be realistic. Sure, people have the capacity to change, but they have to WANT to change. Your fiancé has shown no interest AT ALL in getting to know your son and developing a relationship with him. Do you really thing marriage will change that? It won't.
It will just get worse, and then it will become even more complicated and sad should you bring another innocent life into this unfortunate dynamic.

You'd think if he had real love and respect for you, your fiancé would be doing everything in his power to get to know your son and develop a relationship with him. He's not. What does that tell you?

I feel sad for your little boy, coming home every day and retreating to the solitude of his room.

You asked for help, so here is my best advice: get rid of your fiancé and make your son THE priority. He won't be little forever. He gets one childhood. You have the rest of your adult life to find a partner.

I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but there is no magic fairy dust that makes deadbeats turn into good human beings. Sorry.

J. F.

Your son comes first and his well being is more important than your fiance's feelings. This would send a huge red flag to me about a man who wants to be in my life but makes no effort to get to know my children. He's the adult and he needs to make the effort to fix the situation. While your son may have an alliance to his bio dad that could make it difficult your fiance is not making any efforts to find his place with your son. Not good at all.

First of all, he's not the step-father, he's your fiance.

Second, it's not a five year old's responsibility to bond with anyone. And why do you let your five year old hide in his room? Why aren't you interacting with him? I get that your fiance doesn't care about him, but why are you ignoring him?

Either your fiance is a dud who doesn't like children or he just doesn't care.

Why are you marrying a man that has no interest in your son?

What possibly could a 5 year old do to make a grown man not like him/not want to connect with him? He's the adult and should be making all the effort in this case. Have you ever asked your fiance why he doesn't interact with your son? Have you asked your son why he doesn't talk to "John?" Marrying this guy is not likely going to make him want to bond with your kid. You need to pump the breaks on the wedding plans until you get this situation figured out. It's a sensitive one given that the biological father has given some feedback to you and likely to your son also. He may have told him not to talk to your fiance. Please ask some more questions of your son and the fiance.

Hi C.,

I think it's terribly sad that grown ups aren't acting like grown ups here and a little boy is suffering because of it. He needs to know he's loved, has a secure home, and is accepted no matter what.

If your fiancé doesn't accept your son or hasn't bonded with him, when do you expect this to happen?

All I can think of to say is that your little guy deserves to come home to a house where he feels loved and included. That's your responsibility. I don't know all the background obviously, but I would think that would rank pretty high up there (what a guy brings to the relationship).

Red flags all over the place Mama and you aren't seeing them. Why? This is not a bonding issue. This is a lack of character issue. Please get some professional help and find out why you have blinders on. This man is showing you his true character and you seem ok with the fact that he lacks empathy, care, compassion, and puts himself first. These traits don't go away and will be visited on you in the future. I couldn't stomach a man that would be able to mistreat a child especially my child! He is mistreating your son by not granting him any care or consideration. Scary dude that is able to do that to a little boy. Please don't be one of those moms who stays with a man who doesn't love her son.

Do you all do fun things together as a family? Does your fiance throw a ball to your son? Does he have fun with him? Does he take him out for ice cream? Does he take him to a ball game? To the park? To see a movie? Does he seem to want to interact with your son? Does he seem to care? Does he make an effort or give up? Your son is so little and this is hard for him. My mom had long term live in boyfriends. After 4 years or 3 years or 7 years they would leave. Two were nice. One was a jerk. It was sad for my brother and I. We didn't feel like we really had a real dad. It sounds like you are saying your fiance is not trying very hard. He is the adult here. You can't expect your son to make an effort or have responsibility in making this relationship work. Kids really can tell if someone loves them or if they don't really...maybe your son does not feel like your fiance is genuine with him. Does your fiance only try to make an effort when you are around to see it? I think if your fiance truly loves your son, adores him, plays with him, enjoys him and really wants to spend time with him it will shine through and your little boy will come around. It is hard to tell from what you wrote but it seems like your fiance is not that interested in him.

ah, now i understand the weird post with the same title.
not that it's not still weird.
i'm with your ex. your fiance sounds like a cold jerk. why is the 5 year old expected to take the lead in this?
if you've lived with him for 2 years, your son has been with the jerk since he was barely out of toddlerhood. if your 'fiance' is still not even speaking to him, and your little, little boy is in his room until he's dragged out for enforced 'family time', he'd probably be better off with his bio dad. his mother clearly isn't putting him first.
khairete
S.

Why doesn't he like your fiance and what is the situation with regards to custody, your fiance moving in, how long you have been together, etc?

Bonding isn't just add people and stir. If you have tried to hit puree, that is a recipe for disaster. You can help them both with family activities, but I think there is more going on here than just blame the ex.

umm, never have time for a guy that your kid isnt comfortable with. you have done a background check on this guy, right ? nothing in his past that could put a kid off?something doesnt sound right about this guy. talk to the kids father, might be something he has noticed bout the guy around his son,that hes not comfortable with. K. h.

His father is turning your son against your fiancé. Just saw this play out with my son. He always had great relationship with step kids. Then the bio father turned them against my son. You would not believe the things he did. The brainwashing that occurred. Long story shirt they live with him now. He dangled money, computers, freedom in front if them. They in turn told judge they did not want to live with Mom. Heartbreaking. That's it in a nutshell. He has the money for the big wig lawyer so gets his way. Justice system not fsir. Dint know what to tell you. Counseling for all? Especially your son. Kids are now 12, 15 and 16. My son supported them for years because ex would not pay child support. Now they will not acknowledge him when they come for the one day.