Blending near Empty Nest with 7 Year Old Every Other Weekend

Your post is confusing because it has NOTHING to do with the title!

Here are some thoughts:
1. You seem to feel persecuted by a woman that you've never met? Why is that? A new "mom" is something important going on in HER daughter's life. I would be suspicious of a mom who is not concerned about that.

2. You write that you "are at the five month mark and we feel very sure that we are serious" What does that mean? Serious about liking each other, seriously in love, serious enough to give dating another year? Serious enough to live together? Serious enough to get married?
If you're not getting married, I might not want that environment for my kid either. Like it or not, he has a 7 yo DAUGHTER who looks to dad to see the proper treatment of women. How will your living arrangement fit in with that?

3. What's the rush? If he is "serious" and "the one" what's another 6 mos or a year for the daughter to get to know you a little? In the scheme of life, that's a heartbeat.

4. Don't pre-judge his ex the way you feel she is pre-judging you. If I were you I would make this woman by new BFF right away. You know the drill, stepmother=responsibility. You both need to get on the same page with this precious child. Yes, I think with a common goal, a woman and an ex can have a good relationship. You don't have to "like" her, nor her, you. But if you can be friendly, communicative and trust each other that will be huge!

5. I doubt she can keep the daughter away from her ex just because she doesn't like you.

6. This man has at least another 10-11 year of responsibility (financial, emotional, psychological, etc.). Know that going in. He is correct if he puts her BEFORE you. If he doesn't, I'd run in the other direction.

My opinion, if your plan is to "move in together" and attempt to adjust to a.) baby mama drama, b.) your daughter moving back in and c.) living with a man you've dated for 5 months, I'd say you're crazy.
Waaaaaay more time needs to be invested and all of the above steps need to be done over time, not all at once. Your daughter and his daughter need to remain the #1 priorities right now.
If the plan is engagement, wedding, moving everyone under one roof, I think it needs to bve done very carefully and not rushed.
JMO. Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful

What relationship are you hoping to develop and build upon? The one with his little girl or the one with his ex? It would be nice if you could all get together, sit down and break bread.... but these two got a divorce for some reason and she's not going to be happy if he's happy with any body. Skewed perspective? Do you share a circle of friends or acquaintances that would be able to dish whatever dirt you may have accumulated over the years? Everbody has dust bunnies under their bed, no one is without normal wear and tear. Hopefully you aren't the 'reason' (from her perspective) that their marriage failed. If you are, there isn't a snowball's chance in Hades that you will have a peaceful relationship.

Your relationships with your kids are your business. How your kids interact with the new guy in your life is more important to you than the one you're trying to establish with his ex. Congrats on re-establishing your lines of communication with your daughter. Hopefully she isn't playing you and your ex, what Daddy won't do/give/get, maybe Mom will after all this time and 'guilt'. Be cautious of the parent trap.

If you are living with this new man, your relationships with your kids, especially your daughter, could come into play. What does she, the ex, hope to gain by playing these games? Does she want sole physical custody, more child support, control over his life?

Hope things settle down and you and your guy are able to talk this all out between the two of you. That's the relation that matters the most here.

2 moms found this helpful

Hmmm, I wonder whether there's any hope YOU'LL learn the REAL story about you.....Your guy's relationship with his child is his own....has nothing to do with you....this post reads like you have managed to BLAME every person in your life for your own issues except yourself....very interesting...I think you would benefit VERY much from some counseling, you seem fixated on EVERYONE ELSE'S behavior....

2 moms found this helpful

M.
The woman isn't borderline. She is certifiable. Some women cannot handle the rejection of a divorce even when they are the one who ended the relationship. All their personal emotional material of a life time begins to surface and focus on their ex-husband. The same is true of men.
You are not you to her. You are an opponent who has had to audacity to enter the life of her man. She intended to keep him on ice forever.
Women like her use the child as a weapon. Your new man needs a court order for his visits with the daughter. He has a perfect right to introduce her to you and for his daughter to spend the weekends with him wherever he chooses.
That said unless your boyfriend can have the two of you meet in a creative way and let each of you get to know the other you are stuck in her picture of you.
When you do meet be friendly talk with her and be welcoming.
Good luck. You will need it.

2 moms found this helpful

First of all, this kind of relationships are quite trying but when you love someone, you are willing to go the extra mile. For this lady to feel secure and peaceful about her daughter coming over to your house, you have to prove yourself. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, if you treat the girl well, she will go back to her mother and re-assure her you are not as bad as she thinks. Treat the girl like your own and at 7 years she might not be old enough to talk to and explain things just be nice to her.

When the mother realises you are not a bad person she will come around, then you can talk and get to know each other.

Good luck and hope things go well with you all.

1 mom found this helpful

It can be hard when an ex finds someone new to love. Even though we are out of the picture, we do not like the idea that we are replaceable, or that he may even love her more than he did us. At this point I do not think getting to know the real you will make much difference, you are her replacement and she is having a hard time dealing with that fact. Just keep loving your man, and when the time comes, love that little girl. If she is threatening not allowing visitation, than he needs to get the courts involved and get an iron clad custody and visitation plan laid out. Best of luck to you. With time hopefully she will see that having an extra person to love her only adds to her daughters life!

1 mom found this helpful

Nothing will make her like you. Nothing will let her keep her daughter away from your man. It is just very complicated, messy, and painful. Know that going in. Talk it over with your man again and again--it will be the only way the two of you will make it through.

1 mom found this helpful

I would take the direct approach. Call her and invite her out to lunch so you can get to know each other. At lunch, simply say that you would like her to get to know you, so she can feel comfortable that you both have her daughter's best interests in mind. Ignore what you think she's heard about you. If she asks about your kids, be honest. We've all made mistakes raising our kids. Hopefully, we learn from them. Talk about what she wants you to do when you spend time with the girl, what her rules are, how she punishes, anything to show her that you are not a threat to her relationship with her daughter, or her daughter's relationship with her dad. You are only interested in being a supportive friend. And MEAN it.

1 mom found this helpful

That sounds like a lot of baggage. It is none of her business what he does with his visitation time.Or the relationship you have with your kids. Your only 5mos. into this how much do you really like this guy do are you prepared to split your time with him with his daughter weekends,holiday's vacations. Do you want to aid in helping raise this child ? You should be enjoying your single life it sounds like there might be unresolved issues between him and his ex. Because you said it she doesn't even know you and she hates you , something is wrong here. How do you feel about him supporting another woman while dating you? The child is only seven this might go on for 10 more years. I am assuming she gets child support, allomoney, spousal support half of all belonging's and possibly being dragged into court or having to hear about court issues with money and visitation. Consider what your future will be like consider blending asset's together. If she is half as angry as you say she is what is stopping her from trying to take any of your inherritence or asset's if you get married. She's mad and she's mad for a reason she either hasn't gotten over that the marriage has ended or that there will be a new mom in her child's life. I would run from this baby momma drama remember there are lots of "nice " guys out there.